So, there's this rumour?

[EWLT]

DH is a leader with a youth group. There's a female adult leader there, 20 years younger than him. Until recently, she has had a shocker of a boyfriend who DH has quite literally wanted to punch, in (I presumed) a fatherly way IYSWIM.

When she first joined the group, I did wonder, as DH talked about her and her boyfriend situation quite a bit, but I have no other reason to think there's anything else.

I've met her a couple of times and she seems perfectly nice, was friendly to me, laughing with DH, but they both included me and nothing seemed untoward.

However, DH told me last night that one of the reasons boyfriend has given her for the split is that he thinks she's having an affair with DH. DH told me this in an "isn't this funny" kind of way. But, is it?

Very tricky one to judge. The accusation means nothing as abusive men will think this stuff about pretty much anyone their partners know. The finding it funny and telling you could go either way - cunning double bluff or total innocence, though he doesn't sound like the deceitful type (though as you've said, they never do till you find out they are...) The mentionitis is the thing that in my experience most often indicates feelings that aren't as simple as they seem, though even then it could be more an emotional attachment than one that threatens your marriage.

I would try a different tack: that of getting to know her better and seeing them together. Tell your DH to invite her round and get more of a handle on who she is for yourself. That won't work if you get really nervous about it but you actually seem pretty grounded - you are just concerned through lack of conclusive indicators one way or another.

I think it's a warning sign that his thoughts are going on that direction. I think you should take the next opportunity to make it clear that he needs to have very firm boundaries where that relationship is concerned. You don't have to say too much or be too in-depth, as long as he understands the message.

Op. there's not really enough to go on from what you've said. However, your instinct must be telling you something, as your concerned enough to post on here.

Therefore, if I were you I'd be keeping very alert

Jesus H Christ on a shitty bike. Some people do love a drama.

Yup, may as well crank it up a notch. Could be he has shown the girl a picture of his wife. The young girl is, of course, bisexual, but is not yet aware of it herself. All the signs say so, and by that I mean my tea-leaves. She now clearly wants to be introduced to his wife and, in less than a month, they will all find themselves in a 'household of three' as the French say.

My DHkept mentioning a girl at his work. He even joked & said people at work had hinted that they were having a affair. Probably to put me off the scent as it turned out they actually were. I would be suspicious.

could be something or nothing could be she has hinted towards him and he is considering it

or it could be she had an abusive boyfriend and he has put it all out there my ex was abusive too so i know how that goes my son had a male teacher he made damn sure he met him and pronounced him "gay" and will degrade him mercilessly even now (and he isn't even his teacher anymore)

if that is the case she will probably get back with him anyway

In January my DH told me of rumours of him and a much younger work colleague, I laughed. Turns out he'd been fucking her for months. Our divorce is imminent.

I would never be so naive again.

If I was falsely accused of having an affair I would immediately tell my DH. I think most people would. If the rumour was about a younger, more attractive person and me then I would probably enjoy the implication.

This sounds like a nice bloke trying to help being accused by a controlling bf. Other people may have gone through a similar situation and found an affair but it seems rather cynical to assume it in this case.

They aren't exactly rumours, are they? The "shocker of a boyfriend" cited it as a reason to split from the girl.

It wouldn't be impossible that he has started/tried to start this rumour to discredit his ex girlfriend & make her look bad (for having an affair with a married man)

Fucking hell, the monogamy police are so depressing. Do you realise, some of you, that you are actually implying that a nice man shouldn't give a shit about a woman being abused by her partner, because to do so might make him have an affair with her? It IS depressing, isn't it. Almost everyone has jumped on this to be a potential affair/an affair. No one seems to give credit to those men who DON'T cheat, just because they are friends with a female.

This is how the ow reeled my husband in. I'm sorry, but your dh was only "reeled in" because he wanted to be. I don't doubt that some women are manipulative, but he wouldn't have done anything if his relationship with you meant anything to him.

I am involved in running a youth group. We would be very concerned as leaders if a rumoured was circulating that one of the older leaders was having an affair with a much younger leader. We are very strong on leaders being above reproach as want to keep everything right. Could you come at it from this angle with your dh? He should be concerned that this rumour would get to the young people. So having a conversation around this might make things clearer. He needs to be careful in his role and if he doesn't see this he is being very unwise.

When I was younger and had a male friend, his girlfriend was convinced I was secretly in love with him and when my male friend finally ended their relationship, she was convinced we were having an affair.

We all worked together.

Everyone tried to tell her how off the mark she was.

But she was so convincing, she did put a seed of doubt into other colleagues' minds and my friend and I had to stop our friendship at a time when he could've probably used a friend most.

It was all in her head. Just like it could all be in the ex boyfriend's head and because this young woman mentions your husband, he's assumed she must be sleeping with him.

I wouldn't think he was having an affair, but I would tell him it's not necessarily a laughing matter either, as if the ex says it enough, others will start to question it more.

I find it strange that if the boyfriend was so controlling and abusive, then I'd imagine he'd have attempted to stop this girl from doing her volunteering, to prevent her contact with Op's H first of all, instead of just splitting from her and then making accusations of an affair?

There are a few things about this situation that niggle. As Matrix mentioned, your H and this young woman seem to know each other pretty intimately. As youth leaders, I would expect their time volunteering is focused on the kids. When have they been able to have these personal conversations? Are they texting? Her BF broke up with her as he thought she was involved with your H. If he was so bad, why didn't she dump him? And I think what makes me most unsettled, is that this young colleague felt comfortable telling your H that her BF thought they were having an affair. This really crosses professional boundaries. It has the potential to cause awkwardness and tension and as June said trouble. Yet this young woman felt safe/intimate enough with your H to tell him that.

Yes, when do they find the time to be able to discuss all these personal issues?
They must be texting or, when the young people go home they must be spending a lot of extra time where there is just the two of them, alone together.
He could probably come home a lot earlier, but it's obvious they stay behind to 'chat'.

Besides all that, he is skating on very thin ice getting so close to someone who is a lot younger than him.
It's giving out the wrong message. Especially seeing as he is working with younger people.

Sounds dodgy to me. If my dh was angry about how one of his female colleagues was treated by her partner I'd think he was over-invested, my antenna would be up. The laughingly telling you about the rumour would make me suspicious.

I find it strange that if the boyfriend was so controlling and abusive, then I'd imagine he'd have attempted to stop this girl from doing her volunteering
It isn't unknown for controlling people to give a little freedom to their partners, to show how "lovely" they really are for allowing said partner to have freedom.

differentnameforthis, seeing as you've highlighted my post, I thought I'd reply.

I realise it isn't 'unknown' for controlling people to 'give a little freedom' to their partners to show how 'lovely' they are.

However, in this case, where the girls' bf has just walked out and then accused her of an affair, imo, this doesn't seem plausible.
Surely, if the 'controlling' bf suspected something was going on, I'd say he would have 'forced' her to stop going to these volunteer meets with the Op's dh?

Oh, and just because some of us have the opinion that something seems amiss, that doesn't mean we are wrong. We're just trying to help the Op see that there could be something going on and that it's best for her to not just brush these accusations under the table.

None of us really know what's happened.

The thing is, none of know what the real relationship was between the young woman and her BF. The OP said: "He was treating this young woman appallingly badly." Was this behaviour actually witnessed or hearsay? And what was the behaviour? Lots of posters are coming up with their own conclusions.

the whole thing is laughable, precisely because he doesn't think he could possibly be attractive to her.

Because she's so attractive? But he expects to be attractive to you because you're so much less attractive? If dh ever found something like this hilarious enough to share with me, I'd tell him to fuck right off and I'd cry a lot.

I would be suspicious of the mentionitis, the protectiveness, the fact that the bf named him as a suspected affair partner - and all of it together doesn't look good. And his attitude of 'but she's soooooooo attractive, how hilarious and ridiculous to think she'd ever be attracted to me' oh fuck off. It's really insensitive, if nothing else.

I have no advice OP, what can you do? You are not wrong to feel unsettled about it all though.

Oh, and just because some of us have the opinion that something seems amiss, that doesn't mean we are wrong.

I haven't, at any point in my post quoting what you said, said you were wrong. I don't see how you take that from what I wrote. I simply offered what I have come to discover, not realising that you were already aware of what it was I said. I was merely offering my opinion, not stating yours was wrong.

Your post is somewhat snappy, I haven't objected to anyone helping the op, I haven't argued with anyone, so I am unsure as to why you feel you need to take that tone.

At the very very least, he fancies her.

differentnameforthis
Fair enough, you haven't said posters like me are wrong, but in your earlier two posts you've definitely questioned our opinions.

We've all got different opinions as to what's probably been going on, but by you highlighting people's posts and putting your alternative view point, then you do seem to be implying that some of us are wrong.

pocketsaviour i think we dated the same bloke

op the thing that bothers me is that you mentioned he finds it ridiculous that she would be interested in him.
surely he should be saying hes got know interest in her

When I was 17 I had an affair with my older, married teacher. There were a lot of rumours going round that we were having an affair- because people aren't stupid. His wife got wind of the rumours and he passed it off as "hahaha isn't this hilarious". She apparently believed it was all a crazy rumour but... Well, it wasn't.

We aren't together now but we were for years and ended up living together for a while.

no interest in her