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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So, there's this rumour?

120 replies

EWLT · 07/11/2015 13:18

DH is a leader with a youth group. There's a female adult leader there, 20 years younger than him. Until recently, she has had a shocker of a boyfriend who DH has quite literally wanted to punch, in (I presumed) a fatherly way IYSWIM.

When she first joined the group, I did wonder, as DH talked about her and her boyfriend situation quite a bit, but I have no other reason to think there's anything else.

I've met her a couple of times and she seems perfectly nice, was friendly to me, laughing with DH, but they both included me and nothing seemed untoward.

However, DH told me last night that one of the reasons boyfriend has given her for the split is that he thinks she's having an affair with DH. DH told me this in an "isn't this funny" kind of way. But, is it?

OP posts:
violetsarentblue · 07/11/2015 15:56

And the 'friend who is supposedly unhinged'' is a huge red flag as well.

The person who notices these things is always unhinged in the adulterer's mind

LucySnow12 · 07/11/2015 15:59

EWLT, I've never been in a similar situation to yours. My H talks about his female friends but doesn't go on about them. Have you met the boyfriend and been able to judge him for yourself? Have you thought about the motive for your posting here? Was it to be reassured? Because you feel something might be off but aren't sure? Are you feeling uneasy about their relationship? It seems to me, that you are trying to decide what you feel though maybe I am completely wrong.

Elendon · 07/11/2015 15:59

Indeed, that old saying 'good people do bad things'.

Greengardenpixie · 07/11/2015 16:00

Well tbh i dont think a guy having an affair would tell you like that, but and its a big BUT now its been put in his head. Will it change things between him and her? Will he see her in a different light? That would worry me the more now.
If the bf is abusive to her, could he be to your dh? That alone is a bit concerning.

violetsarentblue · 07/11/2015 16:03

If nothing else, I would be worried that my OH was doing all the 'fun' things with another woman while I was stuck at home. Hmm

This is the danger.
A man in your OH's situation could unfairly start to equate you with the humdrum, boring routine of everyday life, whereas this girl 20 years younger is the one he gets to do all the 'fun' things with, and have a laugh with - away from the house and all the boring routines.

It's an affair waiting to happen.

violetsarentblue · 07/11/2015 16:05

Has there been any strange behavior regarding his mobile phone? Does he take it everywhere with him?

DragonboysMum · 07/11/2015 16:09

Hmmm, I'd be wary. But my judgement may be clouded by the fact that I have a friend who did this to her husband. Told him all about the rumours flying round at work about her having an affair with a much younger man and joking about how ridiculous it was. She was actually his boss. The fact of the matter was they had been having an affair for quite some time and she had boasted about it to her friends. Her poor husband still thinks she's the injured party and that all the nasty gossips are just out to cause trouble for her Hmm

pocketsaviour · 07/11/2015 16:32

My take is with PrueDent. Unless you have any cause for concern such as him suddenly taking his phone everywhere or putting a password on it and/or on his PC/laptop, or becoming cold towards you and any DC you have, or conversely becoming extremely over-the-top soppy (i.e. guilty conscience.)

It's very common for abusive partners to accuse the other of having an affair. Often because they are projecting their own cheating inclinations onto that partner. My abusive ex (half a lifetime ago now, thank god) accused me of having an affair with pretty much any man I exchanged more than a dozen words with. (On one memorable occasion, this involved a barman, with whom I'd had the emotionally-charged conversation "Two pints of lager please." "That'll be £4.20." "Thanks." - I was accused of having gone behind the bar and given him a blowjob whilst my partner was in the toilet.)

DinosaursRoar · 07/11/2015 16:36

Do you think it could be partly that while there's nothing going on, he's actually rather flattered by the rumour, that while he doesnt want an affair with anyone, is not attracted to her, she's not more than a friend to him, but to hear that other people have heard the rumour and believe it is a bit flattering in a "I'm 47 and they think I could pull this 20-something" - even if he doesn't want to have an affair with her.

Goingbacktomyroots · 07/11/2015 16:46

I don't think any of us could say if there's anything in it or not. There's not enough to go on.

The alarm bells going off for me are they are spending a lot of time together, his over-protectiveness of her, his previous mentionitis and now conveniently, her relationship is over creating a space for your dh. It could even be your dh is flattered if she is confiding in him.

I would definitely be on the alert if I were you. People can often a spot an affair brewing.

violetsarentblue · 07/11/2015 16:53

The alarm bells going off for me are they are spending a lot of time together, his over-protectiveness of her, his previous mentionitis and now conveniently, her relationship is over creating a space for your dh. It could even be your dh is flattered if she is confiding in him.

I would definitely be on the alert if I were you. People can often a spot an affair brewing

very wise words.

laughingatweather · 07/11/2015 17:04

There might be something amiss but might not.

It's not uncommon that spurned people make shit up.

My male friend was accused of splitting up his female colleagues marriage by her husband after she finished with him.

My friend is gay and has been with his male partner for years!. The STBEXH went as far as grabbing her 'phone and calling my friend spouting abuse and suggesting his entire life of homosexuality was an elaborate cover so he could target married women!

SolidGoldBrass · 07/11/2015 17:10

Fucking hell, the monogamy police are so depressing. Do you realise, some of you, that you are actually implying that a nice man shouldn't give a shit about a woman being abused by her partner, because to do so might make him have an affair with her? It seems perfectly reasonable and acceptable that the OP's H should be worried about his colleague if she is the victim of DV, and that he would mention his concern to his DW. But no no, waa waaa, nothing is more important than preventing breaches of monogamy, so men and women must never speak to each other without their partners being on instant red alert...

ReadFox · 07/11/2015 17:18

But SGB, the OP isn't you, she's in a monogamous relationship!

Marilynsbigsister · 07/11/2015 17:36

I am confused Hmm, are people in monogamous relationships no longer 'allowed' to speak to and look out for members of the opposite sex ?

violetsarentblue · 07/11/2015 17:36

Yes and the OP is obviously concerned about their friendship, otherwise she wouldn't have started a thread asking for our opinions.

People usually have strong gut feelings about these things for a reason.

Littlehomebird · 07/11/2015 17:39

She shouldn't be confiding in your husband with her tales of woe. This is how the ow reeled my husband in. He shouldn't care if the boyfriend was bad to get or not- most likely she's telling him what he wants to hear. Regarding the mentionitis: In my experience when it stopped the affair had started.

Littlehomebird · 07/11/2015 17:40

Sorry- bad to her or not.

FredaMayor · 07/11/2015 18:28

An ex of mine 'helped out' a female colleague who was being abused and told the story that her OH thought they (my Ex and colleague) were having an affair. He was right, they were.

allnewredfairy · 07/11/2015 18:35

Depressingly familiar to me. My ExH got very het up about a female colleague who was being treated appallingly by her DP. She became the OW in my marriage and his mentionitis stopped when their affair flourished.
I'd be on red alert OP.

BumWad · 07/11/2015 20:18

From what you have said it doesn't sound like he is having an affair to me

Marilynsbigsister · 07/11/2015 20:44

Or me

MatrixReloaded · 07/11/2015 20:45

This doesn't sit right with me.

He thinks it's funny that his female friends abusive partner thinks she's having an affair with him ? Will it be funny if he assaults her , or him ?

If they are having personal chats about her relationship they are finding time away from the group to talk privately.

venki · 08/11/2015 00:15

Jesus H Christ on a shitty bike. Some people do love a drama.

I thought I was cynical, but the unfettered cynicism on this thread is something to behold.

No-one can be considered altruistic, they must have an ulterior motive; if someone shows any concern for a colleague they are having an "emotional affair".

EWLT, if you think he's having an affair, then ask him, you'll only get paranoid listening to the advice on this thread.

TheStoic · 08/11/2015 00:56

if you think he's having an affair, then ask him, you'll only get paranoid listening to the advice on this thread

Excellent idea.

'Are you having an affair?'
'No.'
'Phew!'