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Original poster

So, there's this rumour?

120 replies

EWLT · 07/11/2015 13:18

DH is a leader with a youth group. There's a female adult leader there, 20 years younger than him. Until recently, she has had a shocker of a boyfriend who DH has quite literally wanted to punch, in (I presumed) a fatherly way IYSWIM.

When she first joined the group, I did wonder, as DH talked about her and her boyfriend situation quite a bit, but I have no other reason to think there's anything else.

I've met her a couple of times and she seems perfectly nice, was friendly to me, laughing with DH, but they both included me and nothing seemed untoward.

However, DH told me last night that one of the reasons boyfriend has given her for the split is that he thinks she's having an affair with DH. DH told me this in an "isn't this funny" kind of way. But, is it?

OP posts:
ReadFox · 07/11/2015 14:58

Ok. Well, nothing is happened, but he has allowed himself to get too close to her I think. Allowed himself a little bit of delusion....

Seeyounearertime · 07/11/2015 15:01

but he has allowed himself to get too close to her I think. Allowed himself a little bit of delusion...
What are you basing this on?

Are you saying because he's man he can't converse or become friends with a woman?

Original poster
EWLT · 07/11/2015 15:02

I don't think he's deluded

If nothing has happened, Readfox, the way he tells it, the whole thing is laughable, precisely because he doesn't think he could possibly be attractive to her.

If something has happened, then he's not deluded at all.

OP posts:
ReadFox · 07/11/2015 15:07

nothing to do with men and women being friends.

He mentions her, a lot, He has admitted to being fond of her, spends hours every week with her, He felt anger towards her boyfriend, the boyfriend believed that there was something going on and whether there was or there wasn't, that is the reason they split up, His wife started this thread! So, I'm hardly basing it on nothing seeyou

LucySnow12 · 07/11/2015 15:08

EWLT, My H has loads of single female friends. He even regularly stays overnight with one, yet I never felt tempted to post about it. I think you need to examine why you posted about it here.

Original poster
EWLT · 07/11/2015 15:11

Maybe Lucy, but actually I think the reason is because someone has accused him of having an affair. someone who is apparently a bit unhinged, but who I have never met. Has that ever happened to you?

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 07/11/2015 15:15

It reminds me of the drama Olive Kitteridge .

The married man develops a crush on his gawky young colleague, who has a useless boyfriend. The crush was more fatherly than romantic.

Leelu6 · 07/11/2015 15:19

LucySnow12 - Biscuit

ItsRainingGlitter · 07/11/2015 15:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsRainingGlitter · 07/11/2015 15:24

Oops! Posted in the wrong thread! Blush

M4blues · 07/11/2015 15:24

I actually think the 'wanting to punch the BF' is a massive red flag. DH works with lots of younger women. He once had a secretary who was always complaining loudly to him and others at work about how her BF cheated and generally treated her like shit. He once said to me 'why does she keep talking about this bloke? If he's a dick why doesn't she leave him then she won't spend so much time going on about it.' The only time I've ever known him to be angry or even interested over such a thing was when he discovered accidentally that one of his female colleagues was being beaten by her husband. She is actually 10yrs older than DH but he's particularly appalled by domestic violence having witnessed it as a child.

So what I'm trying to say is that most men over 40 couldn't be bothered with the immaturity of a young couple's relationship and wouldn't care too much how they treated each other unless there was very obvious abuse going on.

WorraLiberty · 07/11/2015 15:26

Have you posted about her before, OP?

I have a vague memory of a similar situation, where the DH invited the young woman around for dinner and she got on famously with the kids etc?

Apologies if not. I do have a crap memory Blush

SolidGoldBrass · 07/11/2015 15:27

Could it be that his feelings towards her are more paternal than lecherous? I can imagine a nice man feeling protective towards a younger female colleague with a horrid boyfriend, particularly if the boyfriend is abusive-horrid rather than just lazy/unfaithful/socially inept. If the boyfriend had been beating this girl up then your H could have said he'd like to punch him without that meaning that he wants to shag the girl - quite a lot of reasonably nice men feel the urge to punch abusive ones or at least talk about it.

And if the boyfriend was both violent and controlling, he might well have been saying that the girl was having an affair with OP's DH because abusive controlling men often insist that their partners are sluts who need to be policed and beaten to stop them having sex with other men.

THere are ways for a man and a woman to like and take an interest in each other without it needing to set of the waa waa waa monogamy alarm.

Original poster
EWLT · 07/11/2015 15:27

No, Worra, that wasn't me.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 07/11/2015 15:29

Ahh ok, thanks OP.

Original poster
EWLT · 07/11/2015 15:30

Yes, SGB, that's what I think really, but I'm also aware (too much MN) that women like me often do have the wool pulled over their eyes.

The boyfriend was controlling and bullying (not violent AFAIK)and his calls often left the woman in tears during their training. Or at least that's the story I've been told and the one that makes most sense based on what I know about DH.

OP posts:
PrueDent · 07/11/2015 15:31

If EWLT's oh gives up roughly 30 hours a month to work with a youth group isn't it a fair assumption that he has natural affinity with those who are younger than him? That he has a fatherly, protective instinct towards them? That he wants them to make good choices in life, and to surround themselves with people who will help them to make the best of themselves?

So isn't it fair to assume that if he volunteers alongside someone 20 years his junior, someone who he respects and admires but who he feels has made a poor relationship choice and is being brought down by an idiot bf who is abusive, or controlling, or generally an arse whose proximity to the co-volunteer is ruining her reputation or life, that he may discuss his annoyance about this with his wife?

So no, I don't think it's odd that he should care about the people he volunteers with, regardless of their gender or age. Nor do I think it odd that he should discuss them Ann the things he likes about them, or things that concern or frustrate him about them.

Do I think he's had or having an affair with this volunteer? No idea, I don't know either of them, nor do I have enough information to make any kind of judgement. It's possible. But it's also possible that he really is the good guy he appears to be on the surface. But I really don't think there's anything strange about his talking about her and her relationship.

UnGoogleable · 07/11/2015 15:37

I would think that he was probably flattered that anyone would think the woman might be interested enough in him to have an affair.

I'd think he probably enjoys the attention from her, and she's clearly been mentioning him a lot to her own boyfriend too.

Those are circumstances which could lead to an affair, if both parties are willing. So the question is, do you trust him, is your marriage solid and can you say with confidence that he wouldn't do it if she offered it on a plate?

I think he was telling you to get in there first, in case you heard it from anyone else, and to test the waters somewhat. How did you react?

Seeyounearertime · 07/11/2015 15:38

Pruedent. That's exactly what I would have said if I had a better grasp of English Grin

Original poster
EWLT · 07/11/2015 15:40

"can you say with confidence that he wouldn't do it if she offered it on a plate?"

Can anyone? It always seems to me that women who say they can are leaving themselves open for a fall. it's not something I've ever worried about, but I wouldn't be complacent enough to say it could never happen.

I actually laughed at first, probably enough to have insulted DH Blush

Thank you PrueDent, for your thoughtful post.

OP posts:
witsender · 07/11/2015 15:44

I would wonder what her motivations were for telling him, aside from anything else? It would strike me as a subtle play for him...

fastdaytears · 07/11/2015 15:48

It's really hard to know isn't it. Is your DH normally so empathetic and concerned about other people's relationships or is this level of interest unusual?

Is he all guarded about his phone etc etc?

violetsarentblue · 07/11/2015 15:49

Sounds like there's a little bit of truth to the sotry and he's getting in first with his version of events.

Also, why was is he always feeling the need to stick up for this woman anyway?
Sounds like is too invested in her.
Even if it's not turned physical yet, he is definitely emotionally involved with this woman.
He's having an Emotional Affair at the very least.

Funny how men always feel the need to stick up for younger women. I bet if she had been older he wouldn't have put himself out there like that and wanted to 'punch her boyfriend in' Hmm

Some men are so transparent.

wickedwaterwitch · 07/11/2015 15:50

It's a hard one i think, because he might be completely innocent, he might not, hard to tell. Do you have an instinct OP?

violetsarentblue · 07/11/2015 15:51

I've met her a couple of times and she seems perfectly nice, was friendly to me, laughing with DH, but they both included me and nothing seemed untoward.

Sorry, but the fact she was 'nice' is neither here nor there.

Nice people have affairs.