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Original poster

Just curious, who do you love more: your DC or DP?

164 replies

KP86 · 27/10/2015 17:47

I was on a long haul flight with DS18m a couple of days ago (DH wasn't with us), and found myself thinking a bit about mortality and my family.

As much as I love my DH - we are happy together and have a good life - I love my DS sooo much more!

It's probably just mother's instinct, but I could spend all day snuggled up to DS and it probably still wouldn't be enough (when he is being well behaved and loveable - other times I might well run away, haha), yet I just don't feel that way about DH.

Due to family circumstances (work, us relocating overseas), DH has been apart from us for about three months total since DS was born, and another month for this trip. I think that adds to the bond that DS and I have, as during those times it really is me and him against the world (not in a bad way), plus I'm home with him full time at the moment.

Do other mums feel this way? If I ever had to make the choice between them, it would be an easy one.

Now, I'm not saying for an instant that I want to leave DH, or wish our relationship was different/needs improvement. Just asking whether the dynamic changed for you when your DC came into the picture. Please don't post with any LTB comments or that we need help etc. Not the case. We have a perfectly good marriage.

OP posts:
Thurlow · 29/10/2015 15:06

Bluegrass, love MN as I do, it does give a very skewed perspective on relationships - well, on everything really. No one comes on to post that things are going swimmingly, do they? Or that they have a nice equal partnership with their DH? Or that their family get along great?

So by default, if you use MN as your guide to relationships in general, whether romantic or familiar, they pretty much all look quite shit.

Same as few babies on MN sleep, most have colic, and the majority go through massive phases of food refusal...

Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 15:33

In RL people don't go around talking about hierarchies of love.
My mother loves me unconditionally, I certainly don't want her telling me that she loves me more than my father - it all makes her seem rather needy.
Where does it end? Does it extend to having to compare love for a DC with love for a grandchild? Does love for nieces and nephews come below or above love for a sibling?
It seems mad to me. Why do people need it?
I think that a lot of people posting have young children. I certainly don't think that many want MIL going on about how they love their DS or DD more than anyone and they would rescue them first if drowning!

Original poster
KP86 · 29/10/2015 21:51

Helmetbymidnight, my request for no 'LTB' etc was because so often I see people asking seemingly innocent questions and that seems to be the first response! You don't love your DP, they are horrible, you need help, LTB! I wanted to be clear that my post wasn't about that.

Plus, TBH, there is a little bit of guilt on my part that if I did have to choose, I would def pick DS - does that make me a bad wife?

There has been a fairly broad range of views, so thank you for that.

I know I am selfish for not wanting DS to live without me - for not wanting to miss out on his life and seeing him grow up, but there's a big part of me that doesn't want him to have to live through the pain and suffering of losing a parent ever. Let alone while so young!

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 22:06

I think that is a better option than dying, KP86!
Who knows what he might miss out on in the future?

Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 22:11

Or is it just the mother- and fathers don't count? My child had the pain of losing a father- - he has a happy life. We are equal parents - it isn't that mothers are indispensable but we can all do without fathers.
However- I get the impression on here that some people think that love for a mother comes before love for a father - since they like to measure everything.

JaceLancs · 29/10/2015 22:14

In an emergency
DC every time - it's blood sweat and tears, also they have a lot of life ahead of them
Then I would save myself
DP would have to look out for himself
Doesn't mean that sometimes I put him first to detriment of self and DC though - life is an endless compromise

Mehitabel6 · 29/10/2015 22:14

Actually I find it all highly annoying- the child is thought better dying because they can't live without a mother and it seems a future partner and children of their own really don't count. If you think that love for a child is all important why would you want to deny it to your own child?

CheerfulYank · 29/10/2015 22:42

I would definitely my child live rather than die if I were going to! Shock

redgoldandgreen · 29/10/2015 22:55

Love tends to flow more down the generations than up

  • Completely disagree! Children usually adore their parents, even abusiove parents and look how many adults forgive and forgive parents over and over again because they are their parents. Some parents are shitty to their children. Some children are shitty to their parents. It's got nothing to do with generations.

It's more than most people get from partners - I wouldn't say most people, I think most people's partners would be there for them through everything - if you thought they wouldn't, why would you be with them? many parents wouldn't either, and many parents sabotage their children's success just as many parents do love their children unconditionally. Huge generalisations there! I would think that a partner was more likely to love without an agenda than a parent? My dh was the first person to love me unselfishly, for myself and not try to change me.

Agree with those who say the love is different. I would always, always put my dc first and before my dh if I had to. I would expect him to put the dc before me, too. We are adults, responsible for ourselves, the dc need us and our protection. It's kind of our job in life to put them first. But I don't love them more than dh, just differently.

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 07:02

A voice of common sense redgoldandgreen.

I begin to see from this thread why some people have such problems with their MILs. There are certainly women with agendas on here.

I do understand where the death thing comes from- it was a great fear of mine and I heaved a sigh of relief when they got to adults and I was still here- but never once did I hope they would die with me as the better option!

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 07:57

I think that people are posting with very young children and don't realise that your 34 yr old is still 'your baby' and you love him just as much as you did when he was 4yrs old.
What you are actually saying, with all this measuring and comparison, is that your DS's partner can't love him as much as you do because a mother's love for her child trumps any other sort of love. All dangerous stuff and totally unnecessary. It puts DIL firmly in her place and when you get these hierarchies she is left in no doubt that she is way below her DH and her children.
Why even think about it? You can love lots of people in different ways- no need to analyse it all and come up with a league table- even less think that people are better off dead without you!

PennyHasNoSurname · 30/10/2015 08:06

Well my DH will be around (well the plan is!) long after my DCs have moved out and forged lives of their own. He is the man I chose to marry, chose to have kids with.

My kids are half me and half the man I love, so the love for them is limitless. They need us, and hopefully when they no longer need us they will still want to be close to us.

I could never choose one over the other.

Original poster
KP86 · 30/10/2015 09:10

Mehitabel, if you are insisting on being so negative and being dismissive of everyone else's opinion (even though nobody has been as rude to do so to you), why don't you leave the thread?

I wasn't looking for everyone to flat out agree with me, but I also don't need to be insulted with every post.

OP posts:
Offred · 30/10/2015 09:47

Children have attachment bonds to parents when they are young. As the grow and come to be capable of love they gain love in addition to the attachment bond. The attachment is why abused children are hurt by being removed from an abusive parent. It isn't anything to do with love and I agree that love tends to flow down the generations. I don't expect my children (or any child) to love me unconditional. Their love for me should be conditional on how I treat them as with a partner, this won't necessarily affect an attachment bond.

Having an attachment bond with a partner is a negative thing IMO. Love should be conditional, freely given and able to be transitory for a partner.

Lndnmummy · 30/10/2015 09:56

DS

DirtyDancing · 30/10/2015 13:28

DC love is completely and utterly unconditional

It's not for my DH! However much I love him

Nishky · 30/10/2015 13:31

I think it was Johnathon Ross who said being a parent meant you would stand on your drowning partner's head to save your children.

I think he meant if that was the only way to save them, not just that you would do it anyway.

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 18:00

I am not being negative and I can't see why I should leave the thread because we disagree!
I can't see the need to measure love.
It causes all sorts of problems.
There are also double standards. People are able to say that they love their child more than a partner but I expect many would take offence if MIL said that she loved your DH more because she was the mother and love for a partner comes second! You don't get a year when you love for your child gets any less.
It is all totally unnecessary. We love lots of people in different ways. It isn't comparable and you don't need a league table.
And Jonathan Ross is an idiot! Both partners would be working together to save the child, which might mean a sacrifice by one.

SkandiStyle · 30/10/2015 18:22

Mehitabel, do you feel threatened by parents who feel a very powerful, primeval love for their children?

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 18:53

No - I feel it for mine. Confused

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 18:56

I do feel a bit threatened when asked to leave the thread because I point out that someone wants their child to die with them, deny them having a life and having the joy of loving children of their own , and leaves their partner grieving for two people,is selfish.

SkandiStyle · 30/10/2015 19:01

It's just that you seem to want to be very dismissive of something which is just instinctive in most parents.

You say that we couldn't and shouldn't apply any quantifiers to love, or make any measurements of it.

Yet, you seem to be trying to enforce a rather overly logical, structured criteria for love.

Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 19:07

I am merely pointing out that you can't compare apples with pears.
There are many different types of love. Why make a league table?

SkandiStyle · 30/10/2015 19:12

It's just that you seem almost irritated by protestations of parent's very powerful love for their children. And you seem really irritated by any hyperbole. You appear to be advocating a much more logical, reasoned approach to loving your child and how to express that love.

But for most people love for their child doesn't manifest itself along the lines of an organised graph or spreadsheet. It is often too consuming and frankly too full of hyperbole to be so nicely logical.

SkandiStyle · 30/10/2015 19:13

But you seem intent on creating a league table of your own as per the 'correct' love response vs. the incorrect love response.

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