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Relationships

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Original poster

Just curious, who do you love more: your DC or DP?

164 replies

KP86 · 27/10/2015 17:47

I was on a long haul flight with DS18m a couple of days ago (DH wasn't with us), and found myself thinking a bit about mortality and my family.

As much as I love my DH - we are happy together and have a good life - I love my DS sooo much more!

It's probably just mother's instinct, but I could spend all day snuggled up to DS and it probably still wouldn't be enough (when he is being well behaved and loveable - other times I might well run away, haha), yet I just don't feel that way about DH.

Due to family circumstances (work, us relocating overseas), DH has been apart from us for about three months total since DS was born, and another month for this trip. I think that adds to the bond that DS and I have, as during those times it really is me and him against the world (not in a bad way), plus I'm home with him full time at the moment.

Do other mums feel this way? If I ever had to make the choice between them, it would be an easy one.

Now, I'm not saying for an instant that I want to leave DH, or wish our relationship was different/needs improvement. Just asking whether the dynamic changed for you when your DC came into the picture. Please don't post with any LTB comments or that we need help etc. Not the case. We have a perfectly good marriage.

OP posts:

Offred · 27/10/2015 19:40

Oh FGS don't be so patronising. I love my children unconditionally not because they are little and vulnerable and have never done anything wrong or because I've never thought about them doing awful things but because that's the way I feel. It doesn't have to be the way everyone feels, it's not a superior way to feel compared to other ways of feeling it is just the way I feel. I have a form of love for most people, strangers, people who have done truly terrible things. In my work I have looked over crime scene pictures of little girls who have been raped and murdered. I am able to be much more objective than some other people I know about certain things and I know that even if my children did awful things I would still love them. You don't need to dismiss this just because you don't feel the same way.

Offred · 27/10/2015 19:41

It's such a personal thing.

Mehitabel6 · 27/10/2015 19:44

I wish that I understood why people needed to compare or measure love. It seems very odd to me!

goldglittershitter · 27/10/2015 19:49

Am very happily married, adore my DH m feel he really is my soulmate. We make time as a couple n nurture r relationship as we hope it's forever BUT I would gladly throw him in the path of an oncoming train to save my DC, just as I would jump in front of it myself in their place (can't actually imagine a scenario anyone would need to do that, I mean he's not Superman, he couldn't stop said train or anything n I have no superpowers either so I would think nothing gained? but yeah anyway.... )

My love for my DC is fierce, guttural n at a level I never dreamt possible.

No contest.

SkandiStyle · 27/10/2015 20:54

I'm not a gushy, earth mother type but the love I have for our DDs is very fierce, almost primeval and unconditional.

I love the very bones of DH, always have and always will. But it's definitely not unconditional. If the choice was to save DCs or DH I would save our DDs, and DH would 100% want me to, too.

MajesticWhine · 27/10/2015 21:07

It would be hard to compare. I guess I would do anything for my DC. But I prefer spending time with DH.

timelytess · 27/10/2015 21:09

Its a long time since I had a DH, but I loved (and love) my dd far more.

More recently, an unsuitable (but to me, very attractive) man offered to love me (trust me, it would have brought a world of trouble) but I had to refuse him because my dd didn't approve and said I wouldn't be allowed to see her or dgd (and I understand why - I'd have done the same in her position). I loved my dd/dgd more than him. He was very hurt by that.

My dd has had two (or more) brushes with death in the last five years or so. I am profoundly grateful that she is still in the world. She and her family are moving away. Fine, just stay alive!

But then, I'm here, alone, facing a future of aloneness. If I get a decent offer, I'll take it. And maybe the indecent ones, too!

So maybe those of you with DHs could look to the future when you no longer have a major role in the lives of your DCs, and love them a little more because they chose to be with you and with luck, they'll choose to stay.

Offred · 27/10/2015 21:13

I wouldn't want my DCs to stay with me unless it was entirely what they wanted.

I'll love them wherever they end up and whoever they end up being.

I will be happy if they move away for themselves and obviously sad to not be able to see them as often but the sadness would be my personal and selfish thing. I want them to be independent and pursue their own lives more than anything!

timelytess · 27/10/2015 21:45

I was referring to DHs, sorry if that wasn't clear.
DCs grow up and go away. Its how it goes.

Offred · 27/10/2015 21:58

Ah ok! Apologies tess. I'm philosophical about DHs leaving! Fine without now. If I have another sometime expect I will also be fine.

SpikeWithoutASoul · 27/10/2015 22:06

I would rather I got bitten by next door's terrier than DD was bitten. I'd rather DH was bitten than me. I'd give him plenty of tlc afterwards though.

Offred · 27/10/2015 22:07

CerseiLannistersEyebrow · 27/10/2015 22:15

Me and DH had this conversation recently and both admitted we love DS more. Phew! But it's a different love. I love them both fiercely but the protectiveness of DS adds a dimension.

Euripidesralph · 27/10/2015 22:25

I would have to say DC , they were a part of me ( just to clarify I don't see the, as an extension of me as people but they are more a part of me than DH) but for me the reality is that they come first, DH knows this and it is the same for him to my knowledge.

I really don't think it necessarily causes a problem for DH and I but I think we would both say Dc first and each other second, but we love each other very much and we come far before others if that makes sense.

Sorry a slight rant, quantifying this is not an offensive act, it's about natural self questioning and self awareness, it's a healthy thing to query why we feel and behave the way we do, pp I understand you repeatedly have said you don't understand why people quantify it, but if some want to why does it cause a problem? It's part of identifying how our relationships work and is generally considered a healthy introspection. It's not belittling the relationships it's being realistic about how we react in them

FourForYouGlenCoco · 27/10/2015 22:55

I adore my DH. He is literally the best person I know. I dread something bad happening to him, with that horrible cold blood feeling.
But.
If he died, I would be devastated. I would feel like my world had ended. I would never get over it. But I would carry on.
If my DD died, I would die too. I could not keep living if something happened to her. I wouldn't hang around.
Yes I love them both in different ways, but I don't love them equally.
DH feels the same way and to be honest I'd be a bit cross if he didn't. DD will always come first, for both of us.

MrsTedCrilly · 27/10/2015 23:58

DCs definitely.. I never knew what real love was until I had DS. It is all consuming and amazing! My heart skips when I think of him. Poor DP

SzeliMac · 28/10/2015 05:14

I would describe it as my love for DS as filling me up; it's flowing thru me like blood but my love for DH is more like a duvet wrapped round me; warm and comforting but it can slip or be pulled off all together.

If something happened to DS it would end me, whereas as much as I love DH I could recover - probably because I have it in me to thing nothing lasts forever when it comes to relationships even tho I hope ours will

Nevergoingawaywithhimagain · 28/10/2015 06:44

DCs. Not difficult either as DH is very detached, shows me little affection and keeps me at arm's length.

ARV1981 · 28/10/2015 06:53

At the moment, definitely my ds.

RudyMentary · 28/10/2015 07:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 28/10/2015 07:18

Well done you. Not everyone makes that decision. And some men are very unsuitable to be around daughters and grandchildren indeed

HortonWho · 28/10/2015 07:25

Would anyone's answer change if the choice were to help your frail, old drowning DH or your young healthy adult DCs who are stronger swimmers and have a much better chance to survive unassisted for yet another few minutes?

Offred · 28/10/2015 07:29

I would hope the DCs would try to save their dad I that situation!

Mehitabel6 · 28/10/2015 07:34

The DD is obviously an adult if she has a child of her own. I think that she was applying emotional blackmail. There comes a time when the child should be thinking of the happiness of the parent. Maybe she was right and he would have caused problems but I wonder how much time she and the granddaughter had actually spent getting to know this man and how much was pure selfishness?

I still don't see how you can compare apples with pears.
My love is completely different and it isn't a measurable thing. One doesn't take away from the other.
Mine are now adults and looking back the childhood part bit is over in a flash. You then have decades with just your DH so you do need to still know who you are after the child rearing part!
The last thing an adult wants is a 'devoted' parent- your SIL or DIL certainly doesn't- it causes half the problems on MN!
I love my children unconditionally, always have and always will. My love for DH is conditional which is why you can't compare. I suspect they are far more likely to save me from drowning these days!

I read that the best thing that you can do for your child is love the father. I think this is true. Once they have left home they still want a solid home base with 2 parents who are happy and fulfilled in their life together and that they don't have to worry about.

Give them roots and give them wings.

Mehitabel6 · 28/10/2015 07:37

I think they are all thinking of small children HortonWho which is why this whole thread is so silly. I would save a completely random small child rather than an adult. They need it more. However I still don't think you get this luxury of choice in life and death situations!

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