Just curious, who do you love more: your DC or DP?

[KP86]

I was on a long haul flight with DS18m a couple of days ago (DH wasn't with us), and found myself thinking a bit about mortality and my family.

As much as I love my DH - we are happy together and have a good life - I love my DS sooo much more!

It's probably just mother's instinct, but I could spend all day snuggled up to DS and it probably still wouldn't be enough (when he is being well behaved and loveable - other times I might well run away, haha), yet I just don't feel that way about DH.

Due to family circumstances (work, us relocating overseas), DH has been apart from us for about three months total since DS was born, and another month for this trip. I think that adds to the bond that DS and I have, as during those times it really is me and him against the world (not in a bad way), plus I'm home with him full time at the moment.

Do other mums feel this way? If I ever had to make the choice between them, it would be an easy one.

Now, I'm not saying for an instant that I want to leave DH, or wish our relationship was different/needs improvement. Just asking whether the dynamic changed for you when your DC came into the picture. Please don't post with any LTB comments or that we need help etc. Not the case. We have a perfectly good marriage.

I love my DC more than my DP. I love my DP, but I love my kids so much it sometimes physically HURTS. Maybe because they're so vulnerable (they are 4yo and 2yo). Whereas he isn't, he could fend for himself in a way that they can't?

I should think it horrendous if the children left and you are with someone that you hardly know. You have so few years with your children in the home and then can have 30 or 40 years afterwards - even if you were like me and an older mother.

DCs without a doubt.

Putting a partner above a child is absolutely unforgivable in my opinion

Who said that you would put a partner above a child?

DCs of course - instantly as soon as they were born (and actually, maybe before)! I love them more than anything or anyone else in the world. I love dh, but not the same as I love my children.

Dh feels the same now (he loves them more than he loves me), but it took a while for the bond to build up to that (maybe a year, I'm not sure).

Project I don't think this thread is about doing anything, it's not about putting someone somewhere or ranking them, it's just about how you honestly feel.

If we knew there was absolutely no chance of the other one saving themselves, and it was literally a one or the other choice, DP and I would both save the DCs. We know that each other wouldn't want to live without the DC anyway.

ScarletRuby, the comment about going together was an entirely selfish one - I'm sure DH would feel the same as me, that living without DS wouldn't really be living.

I can't stand the idea of DS having to live without me (or DH), hence if something had happened, at least it would happen to the both of us.

Meanwhile, he was a rat bag on the flight so he's somewhat lucky to have survived the trip anyway! Haha :)

I think it it interesting that quite a number of people say they love their DC more than DH. I wonder if this is why some people end up getting divorced AFTER children have left home - because their marriage was not the most important relationship to them?

Firstly, I think I would save ANY child rather than my DH. Not because I don't love him greatly but because I would hope I would save the most vulnerable.

Secondly, I have discussed this situation with my DH before and told him he is never to save me over the DCs!!! He is ridiculously practical in a crisis and would probably weigh up rescuing the person most likely to be able to be rescued/saved rather than going out on a limb for someone more vulnerable. I've told him if he needs to walk over me to save the DCs, he must!!!!

I think this is all all utterly ridiculous - I would save your children before an adult jorahmormont and I don't even know them!
This is assuming that in a dire life threatening situation you actually are capable, and have the luxury, of decision about who to save!
It seems a selfish kind of love to want your DC dead in a plane crash if you are going to die. I think that survival instinct would kick in and you would do your utmost to save them even if you couldn't save yourself.
There will be about 14-16 years where you need to save your child and then 30-40-50 years where they will be more capable of saving you!
I still can't get my head around people comparing and measuring love.

I wouldn't dream of telling DH that he had to save the children before me. I wouldn't have married him if I thought it likely that he wouldn't- and that includes his step son. It doesn't need saying!

I've never ignored a relationship with an adult because I am a parent either but love between adult partners is conditional and apart from anything else I just don't believe that I CAN love one person for the whole of my life whilst still remaining an independent individual looking after my needs. Love for a partner is transitory.

Other way round for me really. Would happily spend all day every day with my DP but always glad to get away from DC for a bit!!

Love them the same amount I'd say, just in a different way.

I've always felt that partners are replaceable, children are not. Children would win the day for me. I haven't got a partner though so easy for me to say an exh was a knob so not even a decision to make at the time.

Sometimes being selfish is appropriate and necessary. Just like sometimes being selfless is appropriate and necessary. Everything in balance.

I still say these types of love are different and not comparable. Also relationships change over the life span.
There is a fierce protective love of young children that changes as they grow up but the love doesn't fade.
The love between a couple in their 30s is different in quality from the love between a couple in their 80s.

I still think that the love for children -even adult children is unconditional whereas the love for a partner/spouse comes with conditions.
Even if my kids didn't want contact with me as adults I would still be in the background loving them and willing to help them if needed.
That isn't the same as controlling and interfering.

It is a funny op- why would anyone say ltb or you need marriage help because you would prefer to save your son in an emergency?

And it is odd to say at least you'd go together and dc wouldn't have to live without you.

But hey we all express ourselves differently.

Loving a DH more than a DC is putting a partner before a child - it's implicit in the statement, however when I write my comment I was actually thinking about nottidaysatan comment regarding a previous thread about DC v DH which was horrid reading, so not entirely relevant to this thread. Sorry.

The OPs comment was along lines of could you choose between your DH and DC and for me the answer is I wouldn't hesitate to pick my DC. I think that's pretty normal.

Of course you would choose the child. I can't see what that has to do with loving more. You are responsible with a 4 yr old or 14 yr old- you might make a different choice if your child is 34 yrs.
They are different sorts of love and can't be compared.
I think the love should be unselfish and saying it is better for your child to die in a crash with you is very selfish. It might be best for you, but I don't see why it is best for your child.
Unconditional love for your child doesn't lessen your love for anyone else.

DC, definitely. But as others have said, it is a very different kind of love. I can't contemplate life without her. I can contemplate life without DP - just it's not a very nice thought.

DP could do plenty that would make me stop loving him. DC, I doubt it. They'll always be a part of me.

There was a thread like this a while ago and I asked DP what he thought. He said he loved DD more, obviously. And then added -

"I mean, I'd be disappointed if you died..."

Ah, true love

Interesting that so many people come out saying that love for their DP's is conditional, but love for DC's is unconditional, as if somehow this is a universal truth.

Hang around on the board long enough and you'll find plenty of awful toxic relationships between parents and their kids (particularly around inheritances it seems...).

There is no unconditional love there. In fact in some cases it seems that where there was the most powerful love it can turn into the most powerful hate. The conditions of love for DC's may differ from partners but they are there nonetheless. No doubt some people will say "that doesn't apply to me, I'm different" but I imagine that at lot of those parents would have said the same once.

I can't contemplate life without my DP. Genuinely can't contemplate it .

Just me?

So because some families are toxic everyone who says they love their DC unconditionally must be being naive? It's not logical.

Often the problems with toxic parents stem from them not loving, not knowing how to love or having many conditions on their love IMO.