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Original poster

Just curious, who do you love more: your DC or DP?

164 replies

KP86 · 27/10/2015 17:47

I was on a long haul flight with DS18m a couple of days ago (DH wasn't with us), and found myself thinking a bit about mortality and my family.

As much as I love my DH - we are happy together and have a good life - I love my DS sooo much more!

It's probably just mother's instinct, but I could spend all day snuggled up to DS and it probably still wouldn't be enough (when he is being well behaved and loveable - other times I might well run away, haha), yet I just don't feel that way about DH.

Due to family circumstances (work, us relocating overseas), DH has been apart from us for about three months total since DS was born, and another month for this trip. I think that adds to the bond that DS and I have, as during those times it really is me and him against the world (not in a bad way), plus I'm home with him full time at the moment.

Do other mums feel this way? If I ever had to make the choice between them, it would be an easy one.

Now, I'm not saying for an instant that I want to leave DH, or wish our relationship was different/needs improvement. Just asking whether the dynamic changed for you when your DC came into the picture. Please don't post with any LTB comments or that we need help etc. Not the case. We have a perfectly good marriage.

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 27/10/2015 18:32

I'm not sure I believe in the concept of unconditional love anyway.

It means there is absolutely nothing someone can do that could make you stop loving them. I don't know if I could realistically love my children if one of them, god forbid, turned out to be a cold blooded killer, a child abuser a serial rapist etc.

I have no doubt I would love the children and people they were and I would always feel a massively deep connection to them, but to me love is a verb and I can't say with 100% certainty that my children can do absolutely anything and I would still love them. There may well be a line they could cross which would stop me loving the person they are.

It would take some serious evil behaviour for me not to love them but I think everyone has a limit and a line that even their children could cross which would stop you loving them. Most of us will never find out what that line is, but I believe it is there.

SurferJet · 27/10/2015 18:35

DC - no question.
I'd die for them.

Offred · 27/10/2015 18:35

I know I would still love my children no matter what they did.

LineyReborn · 27/10/2015 18:36

My DP said an interesting thing to me once.

He isn't the father of my DCs.

He said if we were all drowning, he would save my DCs not me, because if he saved me not them, I wouldn't want to live past that point anyway.

LineyReborn · 27/10/2015 18:37

(I don't think he's that good a swimmer tbh)

Sparkletastic · 27/10/2015 18:38

DC

Supermanspants · 27/10/2015 18:39

My DC. Without any doubt.

Joysmum · 27/10/2015 18:40

I love my daughter and if it was a choice of who to save, of course DH and I would save her.

I know many couples struggle when kids leave home as they have little in common as their relationship was based on being parents with very little couple time.

DH and I have nurtured our relationship at the same time as being parents and as much as we will be bereft when DD is ready to move out, we've got so many things we want to do that we can't with her.

I'm so lucky. I loved my DH so much pre-baby but when I saw what a wonderful father he was it grew even more which I didn't think was possible.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/10/2015 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Offred · 27/10/2015 18:40

I think any right minded person would save DC before an adult in that situation though, nowt to do with love, everything to do with responsibility and helping the most vulnerable first.

Helmetbymidnight · 27/10/2015 18:43

Well yes, surely everyone would try and save children rather than the adults who feasibly can sort themselves out?

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 27/10/2015 18:44

DC no question but of course I still love my DH too.

LineyReborn · 27/10/2015 18:45

NeedAScarfGiraffey Thanks for saying that! I did think it might come across as a bit morbid and bonkers.

Leavingsosoon · 27/10/2015 18:46

Gosh, I do hate these threads and I know I have perpetuated the problem by posting on it, but why do people sit around thinking of horrible things that could happen and who they would save first?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 27/10/2015 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineyReborn · 27/10/2015 18:50

Leaving for me it started with Richard Dawkins and the whole genetically-related part of evolutionary theory that he brought into the popular media.

Leavingsosoon · 27/10/2015 18:53

That works until you have more than one child, surely, because then the one you didn't save proves you don't love the other as much.

I reality I suspect most parents would sacrifice their own lives for their child's.

But love is not something with limits on it, thankfully. It is possible to love them just the same.

TimeToMuskUp · 27/10/2015 18:57

I don't believe in soul mates at all, nor 'the one' or any of that romance stuff. I believe when you meet someone spectacular you work together and build something wonderful and if you're both lucky and both continue building, you might be one of the lucky couples who last a lifetime. But it takes work, and time, and energy. So no, soul mates isn't a concept I'm a fan of.

However, if ever I was to believe in it, it would be with the DCs. They are a part of me; a part of my soul, my very being resides within them and I couldn't begin to try and compare the love I feel for DH to the love I feel for them. DH has my heart. The DCs have my soul.

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2015 19:04

I'm a strong swimmer, I'd save everyone. Wink

Helmetbymidnight · 27/10/2015 19:05

Will you marry me cheerful yank Smile

Arfarfanarf · 27/10/2015 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 27/10/2015 19:14

I love the way that people think that in a dire situation of drowning they actually have the dilemma of who to save!

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2015 19:15

Absolutely Helmet. :)

winchester1 · 27/10/2015 19:25

I'd kill/sacrifice OH for the kids but I think I love him more in different ways.

I def wouldn't save him from.drowning as he is 5stone heavier than me, and having saved a kid my own weight in the past I know I couldn't save him anyway.

venusandmars · 27/10/2015 19:27

The feelings are simply incomparable. I suspect that many posting have young children - who (regardless of whether they are your own or not) are small and vulnerable. It is in our nature to feel emotion for our vulnerable young - that's why seeing a Syrian child on a beach is so heart-wrenching.

When children are small it is difficult to imagine that they might ever become something that you don't actually like. A parent who has a teenage / young adult who is violent, abusive, addicted, deceitful and uncontrollable might find it more difficult to speak about unconditional love - especially if they have had to take difficult action to protect other children in the family. The love might still be there but it can get pretty lost at times.

When my parents were elderly and frail the whole set of relationships changed again. My dm would have done anything to relieve my dad of his pain - they had been constant companions for 60 years, and we (as their children) were looking after their vulnerabilities. They would have been the ones we tied to save, not our adult children who have their own partners.