Just curious, who do you love more: your DC or DP?

[KP86]

I was on a long haul flight with DS18m a couple of days ago (DH wasn't with us), and found myself thinking a bit about mortality and my family.

As much as I love my DH - we are happy together and have a good life - I love my DS sooo much more!

It's probably just mother's instinct, but I could spend all day snuggled up to DS and it probably still wouldn't be enough (when he is being well behaved and loveable - other times I might well run away, haha), yet I just don't feel that way about DH.

Due to family circumstances (work, us relocating overseas), DH has been apart from us for about three months total since DS was born, and another month for this trip. I think that adds to the bond that DS and I have, as during those times it really is me and him against the world (not in a bad way), plus I'm home with him full time at the moment.

Do other mums feel this way? If I ever had to make the choice between them, it would be an easy one.

Now, I'm not saying for an instant that I want to leave DH, or wish our relationship was different/needs improvement. Just asking whether the dynamic changed for you when your DC came into the picture. Please don't post with any LTB comments or that we need help etc. Not the case. We have a perfectly good marriage.

For the record, I think I love dh and dd equally but in totally different ways. And yes, I would run in to the path of a herd of stampeding horses to save her, if dd was in danger.

However, however, I am very mindful of the fact that the "end objective" of raising a child is to let them free and for them to be able to go and live a happy, independent fulfilled life, away from me!

There have been two incidences in my immediate circle where the obsessive love of a mother has in the first case, entirely destroyed her family (not exaggerating - offspring ended up either committing suicide or with long-term addiction problems and one ended up in prison) and the other put such a huge strain on the children that their relationship with their parents was virtually destroyed.

It is possible to love your children too much ... .

Although I suppose (she said contradicting herself) that in those latter cases it isn't really love, but a form of obsessive control.

Loving children unconditionally doesn't mean loving children obsessively.

The live people have for their children in unconditional, we live then no matter what.

The liloveve we have for partners is conditional, so very different.

I love my dcs and my dh very much. I will always love my dcs, but with dh the love is an action, bound by both of our behaviour to each other.

I agree, loving is not the same as obsessing or controlling.

In fact, if you love your childchild or your partner you wouldn't obsessively control them.

Children everytime.

Like I say to my step mother who hates and resents the fact that I exist; a child can not be replaced, but a partner sure as hell can.

Comparing children and partners is, IMO, like comparing the eternal to the fleeting.
A partner is a fleeting infatuation that relies on tenuous relations. A partner can easily be fallen out with, hated or seen with mistrust. A partner can do wrong and affect our feelings for them very easily, a nasty word here, not doing as we've asked there, etc it's flimsy, almost ice like.
A child should be permanent, for ever, like diamonds that never fade or break. A parents over for their child isn't based on looks, personality or their status as provider. It can't fade through bad words or not taking out the bin. It can never melt. It's is forever and always unconditional and always provided.
That's how I see it. Partners (can) come and go, a child is your child forever.

"The last thing an adult needs is a devoted parent" ???

Well I know they don't want an interfering parent but to know that someone is in the background loving you unconditionally and would be there for you through anything would be nice.
Many parents feel like that and its more than most people get from partners.
All these types of love are different and can't be compared.
Love does tend to flow more down the generations than up them.
Love for a partner/spouse is a different sort of love than parent-child love.

Well done you. Not everyone makes that decision. And some men are very unsuitable to be around daughters and grandchildren indeed
Thank you. There was no virtue in my decision. It hurt like hell!

Yes my feelings are as they are because he is a toddler, I am aware he will become more independent and have his own partner one day. I know what suffocating parents can be like from reading MN (never seen it in real life!) who don't have their own lives and interests and are still so consumed with their adult kids. I will always love DS unconditionally and in a different way to DP, but that doesn't equal obsession.

The difference for me has ready been hinted at, if dh died, much as I love him, I know I'd be ok and I know it would be the same for him. However if something happened to my dc, I would never ever 'get over' it and would grieve all day for ever.

If you truly love your child then you love them selflessly. You don't suffocate and obsessively control. When you do that then you love yourself more than you love your child.

Seeyou I don't think your description of the partner-relationship is going to be true or valid for most people in a happy relationship.

Just dashing through (lunch break) and wanted to point out that I did clarify my obsessional mothering point immediately after it was made! Posted originally to emphasise the importance of "letting children go" however much you love them.

And fwiw, I don't see my partnership with dh as 'fleeting' or him as 'replaceable'. And I would definitely not be OK if he died; I'd never be the same again and I know many people who feel the same way.

Agree with the person who said it is like comparing apples with pears.

I agree with posters who say it's two totally different types of love. However I find a couple a of things you have said a bit weird. If the plane went down at lease you and your DS would 'go together' and you 'try not to exclude' your Dh? Maybe that's just me.

They don't want the sort of 'devoted' parent who hasn't been out for 5 years because they can't leave their children. A break is good for everyone and other people can cope! I suppose my dislike of 'devoted' is that I associate it with cloying and controlling.
An interesting article in the Times today from a writer who says he was I trouble on MN for posting that a DH is for life but children are passing through. When you get to the part where they have gone you realise that it was very, very short and you can have decades with just the 2 of you.
Thankfully mine come back a lot but I didn't go measuring love and wondering who I loved the most. Love is infinite- there are lots of different sorts and I still don't understand why you even need to try and compare.

If the plane went down I wouldn't want us to go down together- I would be doing my utmost to save DC even if I wasn't going to make it! ( not that I go around thinking of such things!)

Being a parent is the one job where you aim to be redundant!
If you have done it well you have produced a well balanced, emotionally mature adult who can manage in the world without you.
Hopefully you actually like each other and actively enjoy spending time together, in addition to the love for each other.
What you don't want is the sort of 'devoted' parent who won't let go, has no life without you , wants to be 'best friend' and makes you feel responsible for their happiness.

My mother loves me unconditionally and will always be there for me, as I will for my children. I don't , however, have to go around working out if I love my mother more or my DH or my children. It is all so completely different there can't be any sort of comparison or measure.

I think people have different feelings about relationships with partners. Personally I would hate to be in a relationship where if I died or left my partner would be sad forever and I certainly would not be sad forever if any partner of mine died or left. That's probably because the father of my two eldest did leave and because the man I was married to still has not moved on two years later and is actively planning not to and I found this level of emotional dependence totally stifling.

People who feel a dh is for life and you need to make sure you have something left when the kids leave most likely see relationships completely differently. I'd not stay with someone where we were parents but not partners and if we had nothing left when the kids left I'd leave.

I love my ds unconditionally, but I'm in love with my dp conditionally (as in there are things he could do like cheating that would end that love).

I didn't get an instant love for and bond with my DD. I remember, in her early days, thinking that I preferred DH's company (not that surprising, really, given that babies are not really renowned for sparkling conversation and wit) although I was glad to be a mum and was took pretty well to motherhood overall, I think.

I agree it's a different kind of love, though and wouldn't say who I love more.
They all drive me nuts in different ways and if I had to save someone, it would be the kids first, of course - just makes sense as they are the future, less able to help themselves etc. etc.

I had the lightning bolt, hit me all at once love for ds when he was born. As soon as they put him on my chest, and I saw his face for the first time, bang. My mum didn't have it with me though, she said it sort of crept up on her over time. I wouldn't say she loves me any less now than if it had hit her straight away, iyswim.

I fully accept that our DFs are only really on loan to us for about 18 years, then they're off into their own independent lives. Which is exactly how it should be.

I will always love them and hope very much that they will continue to share some of their life with me.

But I was very happy and content just with DH for the 10 years before our DDs arrived. And I fully expect to be just as happy and contented with DH for the 30-40 years we might have after our DDs leave home.

We have never ignored our marriage in favour of focusing solely on our DDs. We never intended being 'that' couple who barely even recognise each other once their children leave home and sadly realise the relationship bond between them dissolved years ago.

DC. Not a doubt.