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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has new relationship

356 replies

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 12:46

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

OP posts:
Candycrushed11 · 01/11/2015 15:18

I think you do have trauma bonding (Stockholm Syndrome). You mentioned it before, have you studied it? Look it up, it has such a hold on a person. Oh and i agree, he IS being abusive to the OW as well as you. Stop trying to figure out what drove him to do this - its because of who he IS not because of who you're NOT.

Leeza2 · 01/11/2015 15:20

So you could move back to Warwickshire , where you have a supportive family? I'm assuming that the schools are good and your children are young to move schools easily ? And you could claim benefit until you could get a job ?

So why are you staying ? Your husband will never get residence of the children , you have been a full time mum for their whole lives . It doesn't matter how rich he is .

RivieraKid · 01/11/2015 15:25

Sorry I can't just be a complete bitch but it's not in my nature

No one's asking you to be a complete bitch, OP, they're asking you to stand up for yourself as someone who deserves to be treated like a thinking, feeling, human being.

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 15:46

Every time I stand up for myself he just gives the silent treatment or says I'm being stroppy. It causes rows in front of the kids and things are bad enough.

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 01/11/2015 15:48

How does the freedom programme work online? Can you start straight away or do you have to wait?

RivieraKid · 01/11/2015 15:50

Things being 'bad enough' is not a reason to submit to further abuse. You have got to get away from this repulsive man and his influence, no matter how many rows it causes.

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 16:17

You make it all sound so sinple

OP posts:
RivieraKid · 01/11/2015 16:25

I'm not saying it's simple in the slightest, but it's what has to be done for everyone's sake long-term, and in your heart you know that. Would agree that the freedom program is a great start.

mix56 · 01/11/2015 17:45

What is stopping you get a job ? your children are old enough to not need a sahm. They go to school. You are literate, there are thousands of sahm who go back to work
Christmas is coming, you could get a job in a shop, or a factory, or cleaning... Just go onto the job centre website & look.
Once you get out of the house & start meeting people, & making some money, your self worth will grow, (He will also realise you can meet other people.) you can pay a babysitter if he won't look after them, you can take back the power.

What do you imagine is going to happen when the kids are older & have left for uni.....he may just chuck you out, he will have his house, his money & his OW. you will be homeless, penniless & broken.
This can NOT go on

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 18:04

You are right mix56. I'm petrified that will happen. I need to take baby steps to rebuild my confidence and self esteem. I'm at rock bottom. I do also worry that if he sees me starting to get a life or might have met someone he will change his game and ruin what I've worked hard to do. I need to stop thinking about what he might or might not do. He is an extremely jealous man even though he doesn't want me. That's how he ruined all my old friendships.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 18:06

Not that it matters but I seriously don't think the OW will hang around for 10 or so years.. Another one will take her place.

OP posts:
mix56 · 01/11/2015 19:00

This is what emotional abusers do. There is no understanding why, & they do not change.
The only choice you have is self preservation. both for you & your children.
if you have a job, you can put money away, (altho it is almost certain he will reduce your house keeping & tell you, that you have to pay. He will not want you to be financially independent.) you can not bury your head & hope it will go away, or hope he will tire of this or any following OW
Your very best bet, is to find out what financial aid is out there for you, including housing possibilities, & apply for as much as possible. & get a job.
You say your children won't want to leave, but your P is not going to be able to care for them, & in reality that would cramp his style don't you think?
No OW is up for living in a hovel looking after his kids for nothing, that's not part of the bargain is it ?.....even if he had them 50/50, they are old enough to refuse to go, he would soon give up forcing them, & paying for a nanny is not going to happen.
I think the only real thing your kids want is to stay in the same school, with their mates, & keep everything as "normal" as possible. But this may not be possible, (they also might like the new flat that you get compared the dump they live in now.) You say they don't have a relationship with P, So why would they want to stay? Even your children seem to be able to order you about?

mix56 · 01/11/2015 19:05

How come you got to live & have a relationship with someone who has never even shown you his place of work ? Have you ever been there to look at it ?
Why don't you go in & see & the OW, & tell her that he was shagging you too over the holiday So WHAT if he doesn't want you to ?
Are you even sure it's a vegan shop ? does anyone really get to make lots of money from a vegan shop? I don't see it

notapizzaeater · 01/11/2015 19:22

Omg, you need help to get you away. He is mentally abusing you every minute of the day. With respect - your children are 11 and 8 - they are aware of what's happening.

BorisBaby · 01/11/2015 19:54

Op please leave for your children you are teaching your son to be a cheat and your daughter to abused! My best friend is in your position right now her husband has been seeing OW for just over a year their DC and parent's don't know but everyone's else does and have said what everyone else has said please do listen.

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 20:05

I will try and find a job but I haven't worked since I was 18. I do think volunteering and doing a part time college course would benefit for a while. Just to put something on a cv. I will look into my career options. When I met him he was a property investor or landlord to a lot of properties. For years we have been vegans and he has always wanted to open a store. It took him years to finally get the balls to do it. He won't tell me much about it because he firmly believes me and my family will ruin it. He hates my family with a passion. Won't have anything to do with them or let the kids see them. The store is his secret life. It's been open around a year or so. I gather it's doing okay. He has plenty of money to throw at it. He is very secret about his finances.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 20:11

The only thing he can do is throw money at us. I don't want that. My kids have everything they want. Holidays, beautiful clothes etc but he won't do the house up or give them much of his time. It's like he won't fully commit to them either. By the way, I don't get a penny. I have to text him a shopping list so he can bring us food back.

OP posts:
Leeza2 · 01/11/2015 20:39

OP, when people are saying " stand up for yourself " , they don't mean " argue back" or " discuss things with him " .

They mean ACT . You are not a child and you don't need to ask his permission to eg go to women's aid, do the freedom programme , feel your family what is happening , enrol on a course or apply for a job, find out what benefits you are entitled to , look for property to rent near your parents , start keeping money from the housekeeping via cash back etc

Leeza2 · 01/11/2015 20:41

How many vegan stores are there in the town where you live ? How can you not know where it is?

Alwayssunny · 01/11/2015 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 21:10

Leeza2 I live in London and I do now know where it is but only through vegan websites that I had to dig around to find. Alwayssunny I have to plan well on advance mu next move. I had a very serious and frightening breakdown which involved me going into hospital after feeling suicidal. The antidepressants made me feel this. It was supposed to help my anxiety attacks that I started getting after finding out about OW. I have never felt this before and I acted mentally ill. I was in a very very bad way. It will be in my GP reports, social services had to be notified. I will lose the children if I just take them. He will fight hard and win. I have already been told this.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/11/2015 21:17

I think you should get a second opinion, love. I don't think he will necessarily get custody of the children at all.

Your mental breakdown doesn't make you an unfit parent - not if you're addressing the issues. He was the cause of your breakdown so leaving him is a good way of preventing it from happening again! And if you get counselling through your GP that's another way to show that you're looking after your mental health.

You've been the primary carer of your children all their lives. I would doubt very much they would be taken away from you because of a mental health issue that is now being addressed. You were a danger to yourself but never to them.

Anyway, I might be wrong, but please do get advice from Women's Aid and another solicitor (preferably one recommended by WA) before rolling over and accepting defeat.

summerwinterton · 01/11/2015 21:22

I agree - you have a breakdown as a result of his treatment of you and that means you will lose custody? Either you have been given the wrong advice, or you are not telling the whole story here.

Either way, you need WA behind you.

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 21:48

WA were quite unhelpful in my situation when I called them during my breakdown. Their councilling service anywhere near me are fully booked for at least another year. They could only help if I wanted to get out immediately. I was in a real state trying to just talk to someone but the girl i spoke to just said sorry she couldn't help. I was in tears begging. I'm not sure I'll call again until I'm ready to make that move. WA wasn't for me unfortunately. My mum has offered to pay for private councilling to work out why I cling to this. Build my self esteem and just let it all out. It will be quicker than waiting for my GP.

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goddessofsmallthings · 01/11/2015 22:17

Women's Aid are not the Samaritans. Why didn't you let WA help you get out immediately with your dc?

It seems to me you don't want to make any move that will take you away from him and you're willing to use any excuse to keep yourself and your dc in thrall to a man who clearly despises you and has no time for them.