Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner has new relationship

356 replies

NuttyNathalie · 25/10/2015 12:46

My DD a couple of months ago accidentally stumbled across evidence her dad was in a relationship with another woman. DD immediately told me and all hell broke loose. We got the number from his phone and I called her. She dodged every question and then hung up. 2 minutes later DP calls me and tells me never to call his "friends" again. I told him we knew about his OW. He was out at the time but immediately drove home to confront me. He told me we had never had a relationship, I was just the mother of his children. He had found someone that accepted he had children and lived as a family unit. He won't ever leave us or move in with her but loves her and is in a relationship with her. I had a complete breakdown. Smashed my hand through a window, had anxiety attacks and lost the will to live. I was at rock bottom and had to go into hospital. Was put on Diazapam. I have 2 DC. 8 and 11. They witnessed the whole thing and I know I'm a terrible mother for letting them see and hear everything. I was just so lost. I went to stay with my parents for a week but the kids wouldn't leave their home and school even though they hate their dad. I realise it's their stability so I moved back. He still is in that relationship with the OW. She knows what happened and I think she was actually glad I had walked out. My partner is very controlling and he owns everything. I have no job and no money. I'm trapped. I recorded him on a tablet when I was doing the school run saying to her on the phone that he wanted the relationship to last between them and to work towards marriage! He told me and the kids he would never leave us. We are a family unit. We come first. It doesn't feel like that. He hardly spends any time at the house. Just sleeps here during the week and stays with her during the weekend. He is her boss. He owns a shop and she works there. She is nearly 20 years younger. 3 years younger than me. We don't have sex since I confronted him but he sometimes comes for cuddles when things are rocky in his new relationship. He tells me he can't have sex with me but wishes he could but the OW is insecure. We are going on a guilt holiday tomorrow booked by him but he will spend all his time texting and talking to her as she is very angry he is taking his "family" on holiday. I want to be angry but I just feel so sad, lonely and lost. My kids both have councilling at school and I'm not on any medication. That made me feel weird. I just want to pretend it's not happening but my mind won't rest. I'm trapped.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 12:40

Because I am a human being that is devastated and hurting. Sorry I can't just be a complete bitch but it's not in my nature. My first instinct is to try and resolve it. I have always just bowed down to his every moan or argument. This is 15 years of him training me to be like this. I cannot switch overnight. It's grooming that has done this.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 12:44

When I left after the breakdown she was away travelling but he said he would move her in to look after the kids when she got back. He said he'd have to. I don't know if it was just a threat. I don't really care about that as I needed to be with the kids.

OP posts:
chillycurtains · 01/11/2015 12:48

Have your parents offered or are able to give you any help to get out of this controlling relationship? I know it's difficult but you do need to start somewhere so if they could help you find different accomodation that would be a start.

You say DP so I assume you aren't married so divorce is not necessary. I don't know anything about common law marriage but you will need some legal advice if everything is in his name.

I would also go to the local citizen's advice bureau asap and get an appointment. Look for your local domestic abuse service for advice too. They is often details on the local council's website. The web address will be www.'the area/district'.gov.uk
Don't think this isn't abuse because it is. It's emotional abuse and I am sure the da service will help you.

I think the most important thing for you at the moment is to try and sort yourself, your emotional state and your financial situation out. You need to try and get yourself in a place where you can work and therefore become independent.

The horrible bottom line to this is that he is going to leave you eventually so you need to do it first or be ready at the least. He is not going to stay with you once he doesn't need you to look after his children. Why would he? I'm sorry that's harsh but it's true. Just put yourself and the kids first and take whatever steps you can.

I'm really sorry you are going through this OP.

AyeAmarok · 01/11/2015 12:51

Well you can't complain about him treating you like a walkover if you lie down in front of him disguised as a rug.

You need to either do something to change this situation, or accept it and continue ruining your own life and damaging your children. But if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

summerwinterton · 01/11/2015 12:53

there is no such thing as common law marriage - all OP is likely to get is maintenance whilst the dc are in ft education up to 19.

Offred · 01/11/2015 12:55

He has done this because he hates women. All women, you, his mother, his ow, his dds when they grow older.

Offred · 01/11/2015 12:56

And yes he absolutely will never leave his house and if you go he will of course move in a replacement woman to care for the DC.

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 13:14

I get the message. Will you all help me to stay strong and sort out my emotional state? Please. It makes me feel stronger knowing you are all here. I know it sounds strange but he made me lose all my friends years ago. I only have one close friend now and she has her own problems

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 01/11/2015 13:31

As I said before, counselling will really help with your emotional state. I'm sure it's the first step in feeling strong enough to leave him.

You also mentioned that you're starting to meet up with other mums and that you're thinking about doing some volunteering. Both of these are great and will help with your mood and self esteem. Meeting and interacting with new people will help you to feel more normal and less crazy. Volunteering will also be a great thing to put on your CV if and when you want to find a paid job.

Keep posting as well, I think you'll find people will be even more supportive once they realise you're taking the advice on board.

Good luck!

NameChange30 · 01/11/2015 13:32

PS It doesn't sound strange at all. Isolating you from friends and family is a classic thing that abusers do.

TooSassy · 01/11/2015 13:39

Ok. For the people continuing to post and tell the OP to leave. Of course she can leave. This is what will happen.

Her partner (ex?) will get lawyers to get an emergency court hearing. Because of circumstances they can be in court within days. He will state DC's need to be bought back to the house ASAP. Because of what happened at the beginning of all of this, judge will most likely agree. Because the house is not hers and they are not married, OP could even be asked to leave. And only see DC's under supervised contact. It all totally depends on what her partner is prepared to do.

For those saying he won't want the children? Fuck me in the Op's shoes I would NEVER take that risk.

OP. You're doing the right thing. Stay put and figure out next steps. Start taking even small steps towards figuring a way out of this situation.
Are you the DC's primary carer? If you are it is highly unlikely he can just kick you out as again this comes back to DC stability.

Pipestheghost · 01/11/2015 13:40

Grow a pair and get out. I left an abusive partner as have lots of posters on here. Your letting him and you're kids dictate all the terms to you. Why did you have sex with him?

TooSassy · 01/11/2015 13:40

Another Emma advice is excellent. Start baby steps and your confidence will build.

NameChange30 · 01/11/2015 13:49

Thanks TooSassy Blush

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 13:52

I'm the DP'S primary carer. He doesn't know how to look after them. Plus he's hardly ever here. He runs a business and spends the rest of his time with her. I had sex with him to prove a point. He said he'd never cheat on her at the beginning. It was only once.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 13:53

Plus.. I still had hope. I am human.

OP posts:
CiderwithBuda · 01/11/2015 14:14

First do the freedom programme. You need to start believing that you CAN leave. Build yourself up emotionally and psychologically.

And start to plan. You won't leave straight away. But you need to start planning on leaving.

Start to hide money away if you can.

Would your parents help you financially with renting a house or flat?

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 14:22

I've looked for a freedom programme. They are in South London. I will contact them about north london ones. Renting in London will be impossible until I'm financially able

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 01/11/2015 14:25

do it online instead if you can't go in person

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 14:38

I still will never understand why he is abusive to me and not to her

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 01/11/2015 14:39

He is abusive to her. Now get on with sorting you.

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 14:46

Thank you. I needed that x

OP posts:
howtorebuild · 01/11/2015 14:46

You need to know he abuses another woman and get comfort from that? Confused

NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 14:52

No the other bit. Get on with sorting me.

OP posts:
NuttyNathalie · 01/11/2015 15:11

And anyway... what's wrong with trying to see if it's not just me. My fault. I feel it is just me.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread