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Original poster

Row over care of elderly parents

122 replies

Siblingissues · 23/10/2015 16:34

I'm upset and tearful.
I have had a huge ding dong row with my brother by phone.
I suppose I am just looking for some sympathy.

I live 5 hours from my parents and have done since I left uni over 35 years ago. I have a job (p/t self employed) which I try to manage around other things , often turning down work to keep some work-life balance, as DH has a very busy job with travel, though he's been worried lately as his job is 'at risk'. One DC was coping with impending redundancy and we've been giving a lot of emotional and practical support over the last 6 weeks with job hunting, flat hunting and a move. In addition I've been ill with flu and totally unable to work or do anything until this week.

On top of all this I've been coping- emotionally - with my dad who is very old and who's been in hospital last week. I visited 5 weeks ago but haven't been since he was ill over the past 2 weeks as I was infectious and too ill to travel. On average, I'd be popping up every 3 months or so when they were healthy- which they were until a few months back.

My brother who is single, no relationship, no kids - has implied I am not pulling my weight re. the parents. He lives 5 minutes from them so does the ferrying to drs etc. The row erupted because I'd picked up something on a hospital report and asked him if he'd mentioned it to the dr today (it's all a bit technical). He hadn't and then accused me of trying to 'be a dr' by looking up dad's scan result on google and making some inferences from it.

It went from bad to worse, but the upshot is he thinks I ought to 'prioritise' things- meaning less work and more time driving the length of the country. I desperately want to be with my parents when they need me, but I've been ill and had work commitments re-arranged due to my own illness. If I visit them there is nothing to do except sit in the house- they go to bed by 8pm most days. I do what I can by ordering their food shop online and other things they need and I can order for them.

Just looking for some support really as I think he's being unfair. I have been really worried over the past 2 weeks in case my dad died and I was unable to be there and I will go as soon as I am well enough. But I can't be there all the time.

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 23/10/2015 16:39

It sounds like your brother is struggling. Presumably he has to manage all the appointments around his working time too. I can see why you feel that you can't be much help by visiting and sitting in the house, but could you plan a visit for a few days and do doctors trips/ferrying around so your brother knows he has a break coming? Can you do anything else to assist remotely similar to the online food shopping that you already do?

Is your dad likely to recover or will he need a higher level of care soon?

magoria · 23/10/2015 16:40

It is hard for both of you. Both of you are watching much loved parents struggle.

Unfortunately he is stuck at the coal face doing the grunt work for probably not much thanks.

You come in and point out something he has missed and he is thinking FFS if you think you can do better come and do it.

Try and cut each other some slack. Try and say you are sorry, you love him, you are doing the best you can and appreciate everything he is doing and you didn't mean it probably the way it came across.

ExConstance · 23/10/2015 16:40

it is unfair. I live 2 hours drive from my mother and my brother lives just down the road and works next door to where she lives. My mother is really quite fit and well but I still get it in the neck all the time. DB is self employed and his wife works part time. I work full time + some weekends. My brother's constant going on about this actually puts me off visiting more often.

Original poster

Siblingissues · 23/10/2015 16:46

I didn't mean he wasn't 'interested' in dad, just that - and this sounds awful- he has never had any higher ed, he's not got an enquiring mind, and my work involves research and investigating sometimes into health, so if I see something I don't understand, I look it up.

I will visit soon but I also explained to him that I am 10 yrs older than he is (am 60) and a 5hr drive on a busy road is tiring, but of course I will do it.

He is allowed to work flexi time, or from home, so he's been able to help that way and all the appointments have been close by - 15 minute trips max.

I don't know the outcome for my dad- it's a gradual deterioration of several things. It's a matter of time but we don't know how long- could be weeks or months or even a year or more.

OP posts:

Annarose2014 · 23/10/2015 16:49

I'm on the other side, as I was a carer for years. Tbh, if I had a sibling who visited 4 times a year I'd have built up a LOT of resentment.

I suspect you only see/hear the tip of the iceberg of the emotional strain he's under. The sheer amount of administration with elderly parents is staggering, in addition to becoming the dumping ground for all of their worries and fears and questions, questions, questions about every official/medical thing in their entire lives......oh god the questions!

I don't envy him one bit. Your folks are only going to get older and frailer and more depemdant and he knows he's on his own. Its crap.

Original poster

Siblingissues · 23/10/2015 16:54

Until recently Anna, my parents were in good health and my mum would come and see me too. My dad was never interested and preferred his own bed at night! So over a year I'd see mum maybe 6 times for a few days each time.

The last drive I did - alone- took me 6.5 hours . At my age- and I'm a fit 60 yr old-it still takes a day to get over that.

I'm not making excuses, and I hear what you are saying- but my dad's only been unwell for the last few months. My brother hasn't done that much for them up till now.

OP posts:

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/10/2015 16:57

I suspect your brother realises that you just aren't going to be physically around much at all to help in the next few years and it is going to be a massive burden on him.

I think you need to appreciate that he is the one there doing it all and stop making excuses. Just apologise and try to sort out going down for a few days to give him a break.

Shutthatdoor · 23/10/2015 16:57

Unfortunately he is stuck at the coal face doing the grunt work for probably not much thanks.

I agree.

Just because your DB is single it doesn't mean that he doesn't have a life.

In his position I think I would probably have snaped at you too tbh.

VimFuego101 · 23/10/2015 17:03

Just because he has the option to work from home/flexi time doesn't mean he wants to spend it all ferrying your parents about, or that the responsibility should fall to him just because he's 10 years younger and doesn't have kids. Even if an employer does allow flexi-time/working from home, there may only be a certain amount of goodwill from them and he probably doesn't want to do it too much. I can see why he got irritated to be honest.

Annarose2014 · 23/10/2015 17:04

And I'm not saying there's much you can do.

But what you can do is be sympathetic to him. His future may not be much fun.

Original poster

Siblingissues · 23/10/2015 17:05

Of course he has a life but he doesn't have a partner and never has had, or children, and he works quite short days.

I'm sorry but I am not making excuses. I've had flu and been unable to work for over 10 days and have only been fit enough to travel for the last 2 days when I had work commitments delayed from last week.

I don't see what I ought to apologise for- he was the one who accused me of trying to be a dr because I looked up dad's scan result and asked if this was connected to a blood test result he'd got today- so he says that's not for us to query, it's dr's work. FFS.

OP posts:

Original poster

Siblingissues · 23/10/2015 17:07

Vim- there is no issue with work for him- believe me. I know exactly what goes on at work - he talks about it- work is not the issue. He has the time to do freelance work as well in the evening and weekends - which he doesn't need to- so he isn't that hard pushed for time.

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 23/10/2015 17:07

None of those are really a reason why he should be more responsible for the care of your parents than you. It's not for you to dictate what he should do with his free time or when he should use his work from home days. I understand it's difficult being so far away and that you genuinely can't just pop over to them the way he can, but it sounds like he is finding it tough going, and you need to accept that if he is the one doing the caring then it would make it easier if you let him do things his way. Maybe talk to the doctors directly than talking to him, if he feels that you're questioning his judgement.

MrsCampbellBlack · 23/10/2015 17:08

Look you seem to think that because he doesn't have a partner or children then he should just do all the care for your parents or the vast majority.

Do you not see how that is going to piss him off?

And I meant excuses in terms of length of drive etc.

If you used the tone with your brother that you've just used on here - surely you can see why he'd be pretty fed up?

CPtart · 23/10/2015 17:11

I feel sympathy for you both. I have watched my DM almost have a breakdown this year over the sole care of my ailing grandma, whilst her three siblings miles away are unable to do little on a day to day basis. However, if your brother feels unable to cope he must step back and call in paid services to help. If your parents refuse..that is their choice. If he refuses to Take steps to preserve his own sanity, that is his.

Eminado · 23/10/2015 17:15

What mrscampbell said, exactly.

You dont seem to be taking on board what people are saying OR trying to see it from your brother's perspective.

Original poster

Siblingissues · 23/10/2015 17:17

I have asked to talk to the drs directly- I phoned them earlier this week- and unless my dad signs a consent form then they won't talk to me. I don't know if dad would do this and I've not yet asked.

I don't think he OUGHT to do all the care- where did that come from?

I'm talking about the reality of it. I have a health issue too which I don't want to detail here but driving is not the best for it - but it won't stop me either.

I think some of you are over estimating the care my parents need. Until earlier this year they were very healthy and my mum still is, They look after a huge garden, manage everything themselves, and cope well. The issue is my mum doesn't drive and never has, so my brother has offered to drive them to drs, etc , and of course he had to take my mum to the hospital when my dad was in for 4 days. He doesn't usually see them more than once a week. They are still 'with it' mentally and so up till now he's not had a lot to do.

OP posts:

Nottodaythankyouorever · 23/10/2015 17:19

This is very true.

My DM and her DSis had a situation similar to this when my Granny was very ill.

My mum was the equivalent of your brother us kids were at uni so just dad and mum at home and my aunt you.

My Aunt lived far away and so everything fell on my mum. Aunt used to nit pick in calls etc and used to make 'excuses' as to why she couldn't do more not saying you are This carried on until my Granny died.

Their relationship has never really been the same again since. It is like the big elephant in the room.

Bubblesinthesummer · 23/10/2015 17:20

*You dont seem to be taking on board what people are saying OR trying to see it from your brother's perspective.(

My thoughts too

Original poster

Siblingissues · 23/10/2015 17:21

and my dad still drives, does all the money stuff and was doing ok-ish.

I want to be there- no one seems to appreciate this- but my brother has never had to care about anyone in his life except himself and now he's having to do something, he wants to make me feel I'm not doing my bit.

OP posts:

Original poster

Siblingissues · 23/10/2015 17:22

bubbles- have you actually read anything that I've written?
He hasn't had to do that much!!!!
A few drives and a few appts. That is all.

OP posts:

PenelopePitstops · 23/10/2015 17:28

Having witnessed my mum (plus me and my sisters) care for my elderly grandad whilst her siblings did very little, I think YABU. You have no idea how draining it is to even be tied to visiting someone once a week.

Can you imagine if your brother said to you 'did you check this on dds school report, if not can you check with the teacher?'. You would have resented his interference in something he probably doesn't know a lot about. You have undermined him and implicitly accused him of not doing all he can for your parents. Cut him some huge slack and try and put yourself in his shoes. You should apologise.

PenelopePitstops · 23/10/2015 17:29

And as fo a few drives and a few appts. If it's that little, why don't you go and do it?

You made him feel what he was doing wasn't good enough. He is doing a good job.

HildaFlorence · 23/10/2015 17:35

The OP has explained why she can't do it, she has the flu, a job, and is a 6.5 hour drive away .

I sympathise OP my mother is 7.5 hours drive away , the difference is my only sibling is a 16 hour flight away

JeanSeberg · 23/10/2015 17:37

It's threads like this make me greatful for being an only child. At least I only had myself to rely on when looking after my mum.

Instead of finding fault and making excuses, why don't you book in some time every few weeks when you can go and take over? Let your brother have a break, take a holiday or whatever he enjoys doing.

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