Row over care of elderly parents

[Siblingissues]

I'm upset and tearful.
I have had a huge ding dong row with my brother by phone.
I suppose I am just looking for some sympathy.

I live 5 hours from my parents and have done since I left uni over 35 years ago. I have a job (p/t self employed) which I try to manage around other things , often turning down work to keep some work-life balance, as DH has a very busy job with travel, though he's been worried lately as his job is 'at risk'. One DC was coping with impending redundancy and we've been giving a lot of emotional and practical support over the last 6 weeks with job hunting, flat hunting and a move. In addition I've been ill with flu and totally unable to work or do anything until this week.

On top of all this I've been coping- emotionally - with my dad who is very old and who's been in hospital last week. I visited 5 weeks ago but haven't been since he was ill over the past 2 weeks as I was infectious and too ill to travel. On average, I'd be popping up every 3 months or so when they were healthy- which they were until a few months back.

My brother who is single, no relationship, no kids - has implied I am not pulling my weight re. the parents. He lives 5 minutes from them so does the ferrying to drs etc. The row erupted because I'd picked up something on a hospital report and asked him if he'd mentioned it to the dr today (it's all a bit technical). He hadn't and then accused me of trying to 'be a dr' by looking up dad's scan result on google and making some inferences from it.

It went from bad to worse, but the upshot is he thinks I ought to 'prioritise' things- meaning less work and more time driving the length of the country. I desperately want to be with my parents when they need me, but I've been ill and had work commitments re-arranged due to my own illness. If I visit them there is nothing to do except sit in the house- they go to bed by 8pm most days. I do what I can by ordering their food shop online and other things they need and I can order for them.

Just looking for some support really as I think he's being unfair. I have been really worried over the past 2 weeks in case my dad died and I was unable to be there and I will go as soon as I am well enough. But I can't be there all the time.

Shutthatdoor - she says she's 60 on her second post on the first page - along with that her DB is 10 years younger, and while her parents might be lying about how well they are coping, her mum would travel to see her several times a year as well as her go there.

The DB isn't saying to his sister that their parents have been needing care for a long time, that might be the case and the reason he snapped, more likely it's that the OP acting like she was 'managing' him, and even if it had only been a month, he'd found that month too much for him as it was.

While the OP might be able to take this in her stride if it was her that lived close by, her DB is clearly a very different personality. Some people just can't do caring, saying they should because it's family, doesn't change the fact that they can't cope with it. If that's the case, then even if the OP's parents get better from this illness, longer term, a plan needs to go in place, and a plan that doesn't involve her DB having to be the first point of help.

Op - you mention your DCs are adults now, can any of them help out at all if you are unable to travel yourself?

Some people just can't do caring, saying they should because it's family

Some people don't want to be the automatic person that has the responsibility because they are single or have no children.

OP acting like she was 'managing' him,

Well that would put my back up for starters

You sound very selfish. You say your bd has only taken your dad to a few appts - don't you realise that even up they are close, he has to collect your dad, wait around with him if there are delays, get prescriptions, take him home - takes a lot more time out of the day that you are saying.

If you're 60 and your dad is only just ill, you've been bloody lucky.

The fact that your db is single and has no dc means nothing. Why should he be expected to do all the grunt work??

You need to apologise to your db and ask what you can do to help the situation/him, and you also need to plan to visit your dad more, at least in the short term.

Tbh, sounds like the care needs of your parents are beyond what you and your db can manage between you, and their dependency will continue to increase as they age.

What's the plan - do they have help at home?

Since OP isn't actually there, I'm not prepared to accept her version of how little her brother has to do. She's not a witness and he is. I also find it quite unpleasant how she thinks that because he is single and without kids, that his life should be entirely available for everyone else's use. He's doing this all by himself and her only contribution is to phone him and nitpick and tell him what he's doing wrong.

OP, you owe him an apology and some trips down there when you're over your flu to stay a few days and give him a break. According to you it's not very much so you should have no objection.

The OP is long gone.

Probably because everyone was so vile to her.

I understand that it's very hard for you both , but I do think you should make more of an effort to do your share .

You seem to have at least one adult son or daughter and a husband , who can presumably both drive and help out too . So there are at least three of you, compared to just one adult on your brothers side . One of you should have gone last week when you father was in hospital . I think that was more important than flat hunting with your adult son or daughter , who presumably has mates to do this.

This is one of the problems these days. People live further away, people work later and longer and there is no one staying at home who can help caring like when my mother's grandparents were elderly.

We had this happen in my family when a grandparent became unwell and social services kept telling us we had to manage their care. We all worked full time, most had young children, I am disabled and flare ups leave me bed bound. Some of us worked shifts and others worked away. We couldn't get time off work as employers had a ban on leave at certain times. It was a nightmare and it caused huge arguments and rows because we were all stressed trying to balance everything.

However, everyone had to try to pitch in where we could as the carer visits three times a day just weren't enough. I think you both need to sit down and discuss long term what is going to happen, with sheltered housing or care homes being discussed. No one should be forced into being a carer because they are single, it is hard and relentless and long term it could mean your brother has no chance to ever meet anyone.

Phone up, say you don't want to argue and just talk and work things out, with a calendar if necessary.

Hopefully as this thread started 4 Years Ago the op has managed to sort things out with her brother....

I think you are getting a hard time Op. I was the DB in this scenario and I was perfectly able to hold down a job and manage to drive my DM to a few medical appts, help with paying a few bills and a few days out. I still managed a social life and accepted that my sibling who lived 3 hours away couldn't just drop everything to drive my DM to a Dr's appt. The main thing was that my sibling was there when things got bad at the end of DM's life for her and me. Try and resolve things with your DB when you are feeling better and let him know you are grateful he is looking out for your parents (even if he has only run them to a few appts). The acknowledgment of his support might smooth things over.

4 year old zombie thread

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE - ZOMBIE THREAD.
WHY THE HELL did you resurrect a ZOMBIE thread @royguts?

He hasn't had to do that much!!!!
A few drives and a few appts. That is all.

The mental load will be huge.

Argh!

Is royguts the author of said book?

I haven't RTFT, just the OP responses, so apologies if I've missed something, this is just my experience.

I live 5 mins from my widowed mum. I'm married with two kids, work FT and have had a very stressful year (4 deaths including FIL, my DH having cancer etc). My DB and his wife live 2hrs away. Both work full time but no kids.

My mum has become ill over the past few weeks. Her mobility is extremely poor so she's become housebound. Although there have only been a couple of appointments to take her to so far, I'm also having to do her shopping and do chores in her house. She's lonely with few friends so my calls every other day are sometimes they only times she gets to speak to anyone. It's emotionally draining having to cope alone and be her emotional crutch too, though I would never consider not being there to help however I can.

My DB does very little. He only visits once every few months, preferring to spend his weekends camping or doing other activities. He rarely thinks to call to check how our DM is. I get that it's easier for me to do a lot of the practical things as I'm nearer, but it's still a strain fitting it in when you work FT and have your own house and family and problems to deal with. Yes, I do resent my brother some times, and I feel he could try and do more, even if it's phoning for a chat to get updates and help make decisions.

I know this isn't your exact situation OP. Your DB's reaction is probably just led by frustration and not meant personally. It's good that you try to do other things such as an online shop. I'd continue with that and ask DB if there's any other things you can do remotely to assist.

@Siblingissues have you, over the past weeks, picked up the phone and asked your brother how he is? This is the thing that bothers me most about caring for my elderly and increasingly frail parent, my siblings never ask how I am. I don't care that all the responsibility falls to me but at least pick up the phone and see if I'm OK.

@Canyouforgiveher I wish you were my sister

Your life and commitments don't 'trump' his

This. A number of your comments OP suggest that you view his life and commitments as less and also don't get it.

A few hospital/drs appointments is actually a very stressful thing to deal with with elderly parents. They don't like going. They worry about having bad news. It usually involves waiting in unpleasant surroundings - unwell, unhappy, anxious people - in a state of apprehension.

Taking your parents to hospital appointments is usually upsetting on some level for a child due to the worry for your parent. And it takes a massive amount of time out of your day because you have to get to them, transport them, wait with them, see the dr, depending on what is being done some times wait more for results, transport them home, see them settled in and then get yourself back to your own home before you can return to your own time and schedule.

It is very, very,very shit when you know that you are the only option for your parents and no one else is willing to help out.

Don't under estimate or dismiss this. Be kinder to your brother.
or move closer to your parents if you care that much.

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE - ZOMBIE THREAD.
WHY THE HELL did you resurrect a ZOMBIE thread @royguts?

Dammit.

I haven't RTFT, just the OP responses, so apologies if I've missed something,

Like the date?