Row over care of elderly parents

[Siblingissues]

I'm upset and tearful.
I have had a huge ding dong row with my brother by phone.
I suppose I am just looking for some sympathy.

I live 5 hours from my parents and have done since I left uni over 35 years ago. I have a job (p/t self employed) which I try to manage around other things , often turning down work to keep some work-life balance, as DH has a very busy job with travel, though he's been worried lately as his job is 'at risk'. One DC was coping with impending redundancy and we've been giving a lot of emotional and practical support over the last 6 weeks with job hunting, flat hunting and a move. In addition I've been ill with flu and totally unable to work or do anything until this week.

On top of all this I've been coping- emotionally - with my dad who is very old and who's been in hospital last week. I visited 5 weeks ago but haven't been since he was ill over the past 2 weeks as I was infectious and too ill to travel. On average, I'd be popping up every 3 months or so when they were healthy- which they were until a few months back.

My brother who is single, no relationship, no kids - has implied I am not pulling my weight re. the parents. He lives 5 minutes from them so does the ferrying to drs etc. The row erupted because I'd picked up something on a hospital report and asked him if he'd mentioned it to the dr today (it's all a bit technical). He hadn't and then accused me of trying to 'be a dr' by looking up dad's scan result on google and making some inferences from it.

It went from bad to worse, but the upshot is he thinks I ought to 'prioritise' things- meaning less work and more time driving the length of the country. I desperately want to be with my parents when they need me, but I've been ill and had work commitments re-arranged due to my own illness. If I visit them there is nothing to do except sit in the house- they go to bed by 8pm most days. I do what I can by ordering their food shop online and other things they need and I can order for them.

Just looking for some support really as I think he's being unfair. I have been really worried over the past 2 weeks in case my dad died and I was unable to be there and I will go as soon as I am well enough. But I can't be there all the time.

I don't think most people here get it. Your folks have only been ill a few weeks, coinciding with your illness. Your brother has only had to step up for this short time and has already thrown the 'you don't care enough' card. The next one could be 'but you're the DAUGHTER!' (I'm currently being fitted with the t-shirt for this.)

Get yourself well and in a week or 2 suggest a family conference where strategies can be put in place if a similar thing happens again which it inevitably will, like access to communication with health professionals.

You have my sympathies OP.

Well said Teeny, most people that spout have had no long term dealings with these things, It's an ideal that lots of people "think" they would be able to do.
OP, hope you come back, don't let anyone send you on a guilt trip, if not there's a good thread regarding the the looking after of elderly parents. Best wishes.

I am in your brothers position (except I am LP with 2 DC and work ft)

Its exhausting and upsetting even spending time with, let alone caring for elderly parents

The far away sibling always has excuses and 'advice'. If your vrother gets flu, he will syill have to look after your parents

The next one could be 'but you're the DAUGHTER!' (I'm currently being fitted with the t-shirt for this).

But the OP is doing a version of this to her brother: His life (according to her posts) is of not as much validity as hers, because he is single & childless. It's the same sort of assumption about who should change their lives ...

It's a really tough situation (been there, got the t-shirt) and siblings need to work together & appreciate what each is able to do.

My brother who is single, no relationship, no kids

could also be expressed as 'no support'.

I agree its tough for you both, but in different ways.

Are most of you reading the same thing that I'm reading?!
You all make it sound like DB is on his knees with all the extra stress/workload of his sick parent but OP stated that it's literally been a few appointments fairly recently. Blimey, I'd do that for a friend let alone a parent!
OP lives a considerable distance away and has been ill herself. Madness to suggest that she should pack up and trudge across the country just so she can do her bit with appointments. Madness!!!
OP also said DM is still fit and well so is presumably doing most of the care for the dad.
Having said that, I can understand DB getting snippy if he thought you were suggesting he'd overlooked something but jeez, let's get some perspective here!

I don't think most people here get it.

Yes I do actually

Well said Teeny, most people that spout have had no long term dealings with these things, It's an ideal that lots of people "think" they would be able to do.

I have had.

rainbow its not just the practical driving to appointments aspect

Its a MASSIVE emotional stress to watch your parents deteriorate

I have had

So have I......

OP your original post did give me the impression that your brother was a full time carer and as I am one myself he had my sympathy. However it is obvious from your subsequent posts that this is not the case and that the problems are recent and manageable.
I think you are being given a hard time as many posters will read just your original post and lay into you.

I think you are being given a hard time as many posters will read just your original post and lay into you.

The OP may not actually know how much her brother is doing though. That is part of the point.

She was nick picking and he does sound as if he is struggling.

I think your brother has had a vision of the future.

It is so hard being the "go to" person for elderly parents, you can never really relax, as much as you love them. And you do feel resentful of siblings who cannot help out, irrational though that is.

When you can go to see him and have a chat about the future and if your parents are going to need additional support. If you cannot be there maybe you could help out by paying for a cleaner or a gardener.

I feel for both of you.

I do agree that actually being there is different to doing what you can from a distane.

If your brother really needs help, perhaps you could try to decide how often you could realistically go to give him a break.

All he perhaps sees is that you work part time &still don't manage to get there much.

I'm not sure that I would put my husband & adult child above old/ill parents tbh.

OP I think you are not doing yourself any favours by using the "but he has no wife or kids" argument as a reason for him to absorb the extra burden without complaint. The situation in your OP (happily) sounds like a storm in a teacup, but equally health tends to deteriorate with age and it would be sensible for you and your DB to have a chat about what your expectations of each other would be if and when the need for extra parental care happens (obviously leaving aside illness, unforeseen events etc).

I have been on both sides of this. My DMIL has a brain tumour and the vast majority of her care falls to DH and me. SIL has serious MH issues that pretty much rule her out as a reliable carer. However even if she didn't, I would never suggest that because she has no DH or DC she should pull a disproportionate weight. I was that single person for a long time and having no home support can actually make it more difficult to run a house/life, not less.

Be kind to each other

I would say you should apologise to your brother, from wht you've said, it might seem perfectly reasonable to you that you asked him to look into something on your dad's notes - to him, it seems like his sister, who can't come and share the workload for her own reasons (which might well be perfectly valid, but doesn't change the fact you can't share the work) - has called him to 'manage' the way he cares for his parents. It's not enough that he's having to do the work, he now has you acting like you're his boss, telling him what to do and issuing instructions.

Longer term, will your parents need care? If your brother is already showing he can't step up (and just because you could do it under similar circumstances, doesn't mean he can), then a plan will be needed. If they need a care home, can you take a few days to go up and find somewhere so your brother doesn't need to do that, or sort carers coming in.

Posted too soon! There's also the option of moving your parents to being near you.

Just because your brother should be able to do it, he does'nt have family commitments or a stressful job with long hours, doesn't change the fact he might not be able to. It's worth thinking that perhaps your lifestyles are very different because he can't cope with many of the things you can - he didn't go to uni, move away, have a family, or pick a job with stressful hours or lots of responsibility because he can't cope with those things. Which might mean it's more likely he can't cope with this either. You cope well with stress and pressure by the sounds of it, you can cope with juggingly family commitments and career, he can't. So don't try and make him like you in this area while accepting he's not in others.

Oh and I do think that those saying it's unfair that hte sibling who lives closest does the end of life care often conviently forget that the sibling who lives cloests has often had the help of parents on their doorstep for years before they got ill. There's a lot ot be said for having a parent who'll pop in when you are away, help you with decorating or gardening, can lend you things and offer lifts or to pick things up for you, invite you round for sunday lunch, can see that you're struggling and help you out - the OP moved away 35 years ago and has lived her whole adult life, raising her DCs without parents nearby to help out.

The OP has had her whole adult life without family to help her out, it's a little unfair she's getting it in the neck because 'families run round after each other'. In the OP's family, they might have done that for her DB, but didn't for her (even if it was her choice to move away).

I'm sorry but your brother has been left to deal with it all.
You have had the flu boo hooo.
He has the stress of doing eveything.
I'm a carer for my elderly dad whilst my sister lives it up and then has the cheek to give me more orders.
I personally think you need to help him out more than you do.
You don't realise how mentally draining it is caring for a elderly parent.
Why should he have all the worrys and responsibility?

Ffs! This has happened over the last 4.weeks, not months or years. Plenty of time to balance the care should things get worse.

I sympathise OP It is hard when you're far away and elderly parents need you. I wonder whether you could sit down with your DB and discuss the 'duties' and divide them into things you can do from over there and things he can do from close to? Also telling him a lot that you really appreciate him doing these things for your DF may help his bitterness a little and hopefully stop matters getting worse for you both.

Sometimes diplomacy, however bad tasting is the key to success ... that being said this is our sorry tale!

We were in a similar situation to you, but different too - if that makes sense?

We lived 100+ miles away from our DMIL. DMIL needed care for about 6 months before she recently passed away and my SIL, who had moved back home (DMIL was well and still full of beans) as she had nowhere else to go was stuck with the decision to either move out (her needing the moral high ground and looking bad didn't allow that) or be DMIL's Carer.

Now, if I had a choice between dying alone and SIL looking after me, I'd choose the former. The Woman has zero empathy, is narcissistic was borderline cruel and only ever spoke to DMIL who was always a massively dignified Woman like she was naughty puppy. It was horrendous.

Whenever DP raised concerns we had 'well I have LPA because you CHOSE to move away' thrown at us which was true as one of DS is Autistic and found living in the city terrifying so we moved to the Countryside, but this was years and years before DMIL got ill. In the end we raised it with the Guardians office and they agreed with our concerns so we could intervene and get full time home care for DMIL. DMIL passed away and DP now has NC with SIL. Which is actually blissful ...

Ffs! This has happened over the last 4.weeks, not months or years. Plenty of time to balance the care should things get worse.

The OP isn't exactly coming across as she wants to tbh.

Not RTFT but this is a really difficult situation for both sides, and one of the reasons I am glad that OH is an only child - so at least all the decisions and responsibilities for his MIL, who has Alzheimers and lives locally are clearly ours.

Would be great to have someone to share the load with OTOH, but so many flash points for additional tension that we just don't need.

I second the "what can I do to help?" approach. Clearly you're not going to be able to be on hand as much as he is, purely down to geography (illness etc aside), but on the administrative side there is much to be going on with when it comes to elder care!

One thing I would add (generally speaking - have no idea if it applies to you) is that you really only know the true situation and extent of care requirements when you are there on the ground, dealing with it day in day out.

For a long time, MIL's family friends of forty years didn't "get" how much OH and I truly had to deal with, as on those monthly meet-ups we did take her to, she was able to put her "social hat" on and cover up a lot by "mimicking" or "mirroring" back what people were saying, without really understanding it or being able to follow the conversation. Those not or only partially "in the know" could easily have been fooled into thinking this was still a "with it" older lady who was still very independent and perfectly capable of managing home, bills, personal affairs etc.

The actual truth was very different, and only OH and I (dealing with it every day) truly understood the extent, and how utterly utterly draining and difficult the situation / she / the illness could truly be - at times absolutely soul-destroying and certainly a huge test on my and OH's relationship (though that's another thread in itself...).

Now MIL is further down the line in her dementia, she's no longer able to paper over the cracks when with these friends of ours - it's taken a few years for them to catch up and truly understand what OH and I are dealing with.

No one to blame, no one at fault - just is what it is, and perspectives can (naturally) differ very greatly just because of people's "closeness" to what's really going on the ground.

Echo the thought that it would be a good idea as a family to sit down and start talking about the future, and people's expectations / wishes. A hard one to broach, I know, and not one we've ever been properly able to have with MIL - by the time it was upon us, she was no longer really able to verbalise what she wanted (she can speak, but not "think things through" ifyswim).

We've just had to go with what we think best, with her best interests at heart. Fortunately, she still has the good sense to realise this, and tends to just "go along with it".

Oh and good luck with getting any help at all from SS!! Five years into the dementia journey, and we still don't get anything at all from them (as long as she can shit shower shave, they don't want to know).

How are your parents financially? We pay private carers from her savings to help cover the gaps while we are both at work during the day - doesn't always help much, but it's something...