Row over care of elderly parents

[Siblingissues]

I'm upset and tearful.
I have had a huge ding dong row with my brother by phone.
I suppose I am just looking for some sympathy.

I live 5 hours from my parents and have done since I left uni over 35 years ago. I have a job (p/t self employed) which I try to manage around other things , often turning down work to keep some work-life balance, as DH has a very busy job with travel, though he's been worried lately as his job is 'at risk'. One DC was coping with impending redundancy and we've been giving a lot of emotional and practical support over the last 6 weeks with job hunting, flat hunting and a move. In addition I've been ill with flu and totally unable to work or do anything until this week.

On top of all this I've been coping- emotionally - with my dad who is very old and who's been in hospital last week. I visited 5 weeks ago but haven't been since he was ill over the past 2 weeks as I was infectious and too ill to travel. On average, I'd be popping up every 3 months or so when they were healthy- which they were until a few months back.

My brother who is single, no relationship, no kids - has implied I am not pulling my weight re. the parents. He lives 5 minutes from them so does the ferrying to drs etc. The row erupted because I'd picked up something on a hospital report and asked him if he'd mentioned it to the dr today (it's all a bit technical). He hadn't and then accused me of trying to 'be a dr' by looking up dad's scan result on google and making some inferences from it.

It went from bad to worse, but the upshot is he thinks I ought to 'prioritise' things- meaning less work and more time driving the length of the country. I desperately want to be with my parents when they need me, but I've been ill and had work commitments re-arranged due to my own illness. If I visit them there is nothing to do except sit in the house- they go to bed by 8pm most days. I do what I can by ordering their food shop online and other things they need and I can order for them.

Just looking for some support really as I think he's being unfair. I have been really worried over the past 2 weeks in case my dad died and I was unable to be there and I will go as soon as I am well enough. But I can't be there all the time.

Exactly Hilda, so her being mean to her brother isn't going to solve anything. She should apologise for what she implied and ask him a good time for her to go and visit. Tbh the op sounds like her kids have grown up and left home so she could go and stay for a long weekend or even midweek.

A few drives and a few appts. That is all

That you know of. If it is so little why don't you say you will now do a couple?

I think you are massively underestimating perhaps how your db is feeling about all of this.

The realisation that your dp are losing their independence, that you are hours away and not able to practically help, just their mortality too, that he has no other family.

I think you ought to smooth it over with him and ask "what can I do to help?"

Can you get access to the internet so you can up and stay for longer and still work whilst you're up there?

I've been in both positions, once with grandparents (parent disabled and was not able at the time to step up, I was caring for dm all week and then driving her 200 miles round trip to give her dsis a day off while we cared for GF, and I'm disabled too) and I remember how very tiring and hard that trip was, and how awful it was to work all week and then have to face that almighty drive and a hard day when I got there, it was tough so you have my sympathy. The thing is too that I was the sibling who had to step up and do it, and it will happen to me again when DM starts to need care, I will be the only person who can take that on. (DF fucked off abandoning all his responsibilities in that direction, I'll worry about him when we get there.)

The trouble is that being single and having no kids doesn't equate to not having a life, or a life available to be used up to other people's priorities. I've felt trapped, and that my only remaining destiny is to have my life used up by my family in caring because I was the one unlucky enough not to find the love of my life or to successfully pop out a live child when my sibling cracked both. Whatever he's saying, your brother's message may actually be shit this is my life now, isn't it? I'm on my own with this and it's looking overwhelming.

Both of you are in different, tough positions and neither of them are good ones, try look at what you can do together that will change things. Some of the things that helped with GPs were to find day centres with pick up/drop off so there were a couple of days a week where they were with carers and busy. Freezer meals that only need sticking in the microwave were a lifesaver. I used to dish up an extra plate at every meal I cooked and freeze it, and then take the contents of the freezer down with me to put in GFs freezer, home cooking there ready to go, and we used the catalogue ones too. Can their GP help? Occupational Therapy assessment, home adaptations? We had a cleaner going in twice a week who again would keep the house straight and see they were ok, I did online shopping for them as needed, and eventually when they were struggling Social Services were great at helping with hours for a home help to come to help get up and get to bed. We got it down to only a couple of days a week that family needed to pop in, and then the fairly frequent 'help' calls were manageable. A fall/emergency alarm was also very useful, GF used that a couple of times and it gave him a lot of sense of security, and we also tried to manage the endless appointments so that we weren't needing to take them and sit for hours day after day. Friends, taxi firms, hospital pick up and drop off services, shared out it was less overwhelming.

Cut him some huge slack and try and put yourself in his shoes. You should apologise.

I agree.

Your life and commitments don't 'trump' his.

It really erks me that just because people are single that in situations like this It is seen that they should 'do more'

Siblingissues

As far as you know he hasn't had to do that much, you sound very dismissive of him and his concerns.

I agree with RandomMess. You're clearly and very very understandably feeling very emotional about your Dad's future, from a distance. I'm very sorry for what you're going through It is though horrendous seeing a parent deteriorate in front of you which is what he's doing .

We were the other way round, me close by to my Mother trying to juggle her care, my work and my school age children. My Brother was overseas with no dependent so getting a snapshot of the situation by phone.

She is now with him overseas and he fully understands what I went through. It has improved our relationship as we've both walked in each other's shoes and get it.

He sounds like he felt criticised and I can kind of see why. In your position I would apologise and try to get beyond it.

He hasn't had to do that much!!!!
A few drives and a few appts. That is all

I feel very sorry for your brother. You seem to be primarily concerned about the most important thing in your life, which quite clearly is you.

You are really coming across badly Op.
he has never had any higher ed,seemingly disparaging talk about his life choices, his job and his lack of responsibilities while bigging up your higher ed, your family, job and commitments is very rude. If my sister thought i should be doing things that she didnt have time while also complaining i wasnt doing it the way she would i would have lost it with her aswell.

I work someone whose DM is very ill. They has siblings who don't help at all, thanks to other family commitments. Work colleague is single and childless and is expected to do all of the ferrying backwards and forwards to hospital. The managers at work are very understanding but this person has used ALL their holiday allowance this year on caring for their parent and will have to consider unpaid compassionate leave soon (not great without anyone else to pay the bills). I don't think the relationship with the unhelpful siblings will recover.

A hospital appointment 15 minutes away can mean 2 or more hours out of work by the time you get there, get to the appropriate department, wait to be seen, wait to be seen by someone else, then get the OK to leave. Your brother has no relationship and so no-one to share this with except you. Cut him some slack.

I understand how you feel, I live so far away from my Mum that I can't even visit for the weekend, when my Dad was dying the bulk of the care fell to my DB (and SIL) and DSis who lived nearby. It is hard to be so far away with commitments that those at home don't really think about, in the same way that you don't really understand your DB's commitments. We spent most of our holiday time when Dad was dying travelling up for a week at a time. PILs resented that my family saw us more than they did in those two years.

You both need to be kind to each other in this very hard time. Your DB is going to have to deal with most of this because he is close by and that can be very frightening when you are on your own.

Have they considered Sheltered Accommodation?

What would your concerns be if your brother didn't live nearby to do the ferrying around and general low level caring that goes with old age?

You should feel so grateful that he is there to look out for them and get over your superior and dismissive attitudes towards him.

You live too far away to do the day to day stuff, but you should recognise that an increasingly heavy burden will fall to him as a result.

You need to support him in that, not nitpick and criticise. You need to come for longer visits to give him proper respite.

Be nice to him. It will help.

Wow, I think I must be reading a different post to some others on here! Harsh, much!?!?

Why the hell should the OP volunteer to do a 6.5 hours drive, just to drive someone to an appointment down the road and back again? And she isn't expecting her brother to do it, he has apparently volunteered but then complained about it to her. If he doesn't want to help, or can't help, but has been pushed into it - either through guilt or parents pushing - then that is not her fault. It might not be his fault either, but getting nasty and accusing her of not caring just because she hasn't been well enough to spend most of a day driving to her parents, just to drive them to a local hospital or GP is ridiculous.

He may well be starting to realise they are getting frailer, and is panicking about the future and that is what has caused this massive over reaction on his part. Essentially all he has done is a few weeks' worth of driving, but he may think that they (or OP) will expect him to increase the help as they get frailer.

OP, have either you or your brother actually spoken to your parents? What are their expectations? Do they even want either of you to be more hands on? My DM has expressly told me to never get that involved and to make sure she goes into a home so not all parents want that from their children! They may be happy to accept a couple of local lifts, and frankly why wouldn't they be - and they might actually be horrified to think that you are both considering increasing input into their lives and their care!

Sounds to me like you are both getting stressed and taking it out on each other. (That what silblings are for, right? I have 3.....!) So calm down and stop feeling guilty - cos with siblings especially that quickly turns into anger and defensiveness - and just talk to him and your parents and find out what they want. If they have a large house then they might want to sell up to something more manageable? Or maybe they would want to get a carer to help in the future? You really need to talk to them about this whilst they are both still able to discuss it with you.

Of course he has a life but he doesn't have a partner and never has had, or children

I think you need to be careful of assuming (in your own mind) that your life style is more valid or important than his, because you are married with children.

It's tough for both of you.

Can you have a think together about how n=best each of you can contribute? I live a long way from my parents so can't do the day to day stuff, so I send a lot of money ...

You can't have it both ways. When he does stuff "he does very little" but when he wants you to do it it's all too much!

At the end of the day, regardless of what you do or whether you live three minutes or three hours away, your brother has choices. If he decides to run around after them that's up to him. Many elderly have no-one, that's what social services are for, the day to day stuff. If they choose not to buy in care, again, up to them. They live with the consequences. Do not feel guilty, you are on a hiding to nothing.

From experience when a family member is ill, it affects the wider family

Emotionally and physically

Some family members do not like "change" to their daily routine or "outsiders" that includes the people who are ill & the wider family members

Ref the no driving
Practical suggestions
Most older people are eligible for a free bus pass. Most doctor surgeries & hospitals are on a bus route
Some towns offer a "dial a ride" door to door service where I believe a small charge is made - need to be booked in advance
Some local communities offer free rides to & from doctors & hospitals etc where the transport is manned by volunteers - need to be booked in advance
Or there are friends or family
Or taxi
I believe some councils allow some bus pass to be swapped for a certain amount of taxi rides if certain criteria is met

You can only do the best that you can

You can make suggestions about how to make things easier

Good luck

I think you've fallen into the trap of arguing about who has it hardest, rather than recognising that it's pretty shit for both of you.

I've been the primary carer for an elderly relative. It's way, way harder than coping with small children. And if you can get in social services help, it can cost a small fortune and sadly isn't reliable (lost count of the amount of times I had to return from work because services hadn't turned up to feed my MIL her lunch and put her on the commode, for example). Being the child who provides the day-to-day services is utterly exhausting, hugely time-consuming, and carries a relentless feeling of overwhelming responsibility. Just having a whole day out requires huge amounts of planning to ensure the care is covered, for example, and finding elderly care isn't as easy as a babysitter. A well-meaning sibling who offers advice can sometimes feel like the final straw questioning your actions; leaving you feeling unappreciated and that your judgement is in question.

Being the child who lives too far away to help brings with it a horrible feeling of (unnecessary) guilt and sometimes an odd resentment that you feel you count less as a child because you're not as involved in the decision making, etc. You can feel utterly powerless and that you're walking on eggshells if you say anything or offer any advice, even when you're trying to help.

Both situations suck. All you can do is try to support each other rather than criticism. Sometimes, just something like, "I don't know how you do it. DF i so lucky to have you. I wish I could do more to help" before you make your well-meaning suggestion can be enough to reduce the risk of it being taken the wrong way.

Good luck.

If he decides to run around after them that's up to him. Many elderly have no-one, that's what social services are for, the day to day stuff.

Jesus.

People who love their parents want to help them when they get frail.

Not just leave them to "social services", who don't show up to bring people to medical appointments and make sure they are coping.

Of course he has a life but he doesn't have a partner and never has had, or children

That actually sounds quite condescending.

I agree with pp on that you are making it sound as if your life style is more valid than your DB as you have a family all be it that your DC are grown up.

My mum loves my grandma. She doesn't want to be called upon several times a day, do her shopping, cleaning, constant ferrying about. She was my dads carer for the last several years of his life until he died at 54. She loves my grandma but no, she doesn't want to do all that. She wants her life back. Many families if they were honest, don't honestly want to do it either.

I agree with the others.

I had the responsibility for my FIL on a day to day basis. Even on the days where there wasn't shopping or appointments, it was draining and stressful not knowing when the next call would come and I was needed. This meant my world shrank as I couldn't be too far away, just in case.

To others it might seem like just a few appointments or some shopping, to me it was stressful and he was the priority, not my family and certainly not me.

All this whilst my SIL lived in another country and got to concentrate on just her and her partner.

OP you have no idea love

I'm the 'sibling' in this situation, except I'm 3.5 hours away and my sibling is in New Zealand. Don't underestimate how emotionally draining those 'few lifts' for '15 minutes' actually are. DM has never had a hospital appointment that hasn't taken up at least half the day and I have a 7 mile round trip on top of that. What's worse though is the decision making and being the confidant. it's emotionally exhausting, as is the sense of responsibility. My sis hand wrings about being too far away to help and I know she feels guilty (not guilty enough to give up her holiday and help) but I'm knackered.

I sympathise with you OP but as some very wise posters have said you are both going through a tough time and through no fault of your own he has got the bulk of the responsibility simply by being closer in distance.

Apologise and explain that you are unwell and will pop down as soon as you are better. I hope you get well soon the flu truly sucks.

I have 6 other siblings all of them were living with my parents but none of them did anything for them. All the sacrifices my parents made meant nothing in the end. They lived free off my parents in the same house with their partners and children, paid for nothing. Saw any small favour my parents asked, as a burden. When my mother was terribly ill they would argue over who was going to do the hospital visit that evening. They knew she couldn't handle the hospital food, and evne though it was cooked and packed to go sometimes they would not go. I know because I would do a 7 hr journey to see mum, when she was very ill and in the hospital she would say I waited all day for them I have 6 kids with me and none of them came with food for me but you. It really breaks my heart thinking of it now that shes passed away.

So I noticed my father deteriorating and he was left in filthy conditions they wouldn't even bathe him. When I suggested why don't u get assistance from the council they'll send out a carer for basic care in the home theyd get all defensive. The difference between your brother and my siblings is that he cares they stopped caring. In the end I couldn't live with myself knowing he was in that way, not even a dog deserves to live like that. So I moved its not been that long it doesn't feel like home but my father is looked after now I have peace of mind. sadly even though I live right near them they rarely visit dad, so I have planned to move back to where I was with him, I don't get no support from them in person or emotional my husband sees to all his personal care, so I don't need them. It will be for the best otherwise sooner or later I will speak my mind and family ties will be broken and its not worth doing that with flesh and blood.

Your brother obviously has resentment and I can understand why.

I think distance like yours does not matter in this instances you need to persevere. I too have kids theyre very young,I was going back and forth in weekends or term holidays with them in tow. I know its tough but when he passes away you will have no regrets, you will know you did all that you could, regardless of how your brother feels.

As for your job you need to get time off, in cases like this your job cant be used as an excuse. My siblings used that excuse for not bathing my father, or taking him to hospital appointments or doing repeat prescriptions, I'm sorry but I find it a poor excuse. My husband was self employed too, he had to leave his new business closed or with a colleague, and he;d have to help them over the phone as much as possible. If you really want to see your father more you can there are no excuses.

btw even if you sit in the house in the evening not really doing much as you say, you are doing something your father and brother know your give a damn you are showing moral support and love.

You just sound so ungrateful. That would be the part l would resent if l was your db. My dsis look after my dm in so many ways. I wouldn't dare pull them up on anything as l fully appreciate they are doing their best and lm not doing much. When l manage to take her to an appointment it takes a lot of patience and everything moves so slowly that by the time l get home lm exhausted. They do this regularly. He has a big responsibility being so near. You are depending on his goodwill. Apologise for your upsetting him. He deserves it.