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Original poster

Row over care of elderly parents

122 replies

Siblingissues · 23/10/2015 16:34

I'm upset and tearful.
I have had a huge ding dong row with my brother by phone.
I suppose I am just looking for some sympathy.

I live 5 hours from my parents and have done since I left uni over 35 years ago. I have a job (p/t self employed) which I try to manage around other things , often turning down work to keep some work-life balance, as DH has a very busy job with travel, though he's been worried lately as his job is 'at risk'. One DC was coping with impending redundancy and we've been giving a lot of emotional and practical support over the last 6 weeks with job hunting, flat hunting and a move. In addition I've been ill with flu and totally unable to work or do anything until this week.

On top of all this I've been coping- emotionally - with my dad who is very old and who's been in hospital last week. I visited 5 weeks ago but haven't been since he was ill over the past 2 weeks as I was infectious and too ill to travel. On average, I'd be popping up every 3 months or so when they were healthy- which they were until a few months back.

My brother who is single, no relationship, no kids - has implied I am not pulling my weight re. the parents. He lives 5 minutes from them so does the ferrying to drs etc. The row erupted because I'd picked up something on a hospital report and asked him if he'd mentioned it to the dr today (it's all a bit technical). He hadn't and then accused me of trying to 'be a dr' by looking up dad's scan result on google and making some inferences from it.

It went from bad to worse, but the upshot is he thinks I ought to 'prioritise' things- meaning less work and more time driving the length of the country. I desperately want to be with my parents when they need me, but I've been ill and had work commitments re-arranged due to my own illness. If I visit them there is nothing to do except sit in the house- they go to bed by 8pm most days. I do what I can by ordering their food shop online and other things they need and I can order for them.

Just looking for some support really as I think he's being unfair. I have been really worried over the past 2 weeks in case my dad died and I was unable to be there and I will go as soon as I am well enough. But I can't be there all the time.

OP posts:

Dismalfuckers · 25/10/2015 12:28

Op, I can't believe what a hard time you are getting on here. I very much sympathise with your position.

It is simply ridiculous to say that the sibling living nearer the parents shouldn't do more: of course they should,in what universe is it really that someone is supposed to drive a ten hour round trip, just casually taking time off work and leaving family, in order to take someone to an appointment?

The mind boggles. The brother is hardly being asked to be Mother Thereasa ffs. And of course it's relevant that he through work and personal circumstances is free to undertake some minor help, which it seems he volunteered for.

Op, if something does happen to your dad would your mother consider moving nearer to you? I have a feeling that DB won't cope well with more difficult circumstances.

MatildaTheCat · 25/10/2015 12:31

OP, as you can see from the posts you are far from alone in your situation.

What you have to do is to make friends with your db and reconnect. He may feel that he's done more than his share and be resentful,mits easy to say from afar, 'Oh it's just a few appointments'. We have elderly parents and actually taking them to hospital appointments is a very big deal, parking, travel, waiting, complaining etc etc.mit takes hours and can feel very thankless indeed.

You db will possibly be looking into the future and seeing years of this and worse. So don't be too hard on him. Instead call him and apologise. Recognise what he's been doing and ask how you can help. Offer to go and visit, perhaps he'd like a holiday or break? Are they calling him at all hours? My FIL became very unreasonable about calling and expecting help and there were several of us to share the load.

We can all offer up our hard earned advice but you need to decide if you will actually take it. Elderly parents are a natural consequence of living and we need to do what is necessary with grace.

Ricardian · 25/10/2015 12:39

I wonder what the OP would say if her brother phoned up and said he had a new job, 5 hours from their father, and what did she propose going forward?

herderofcats · 25/10/2015 13:02

Dear me, I wonder if I'm reading the same thread as some of you!

The problem with her dad is very recent. Some of you make it sound like the brother's been a lone carer for years.

Imo the brother thinks this is 'women's work', which is why he wants the op to do everything more.

dustarr73 · 25/10/2015 13:29

Whether hes looking after them for 6 months or 6 minutes the op has to do her share.My mam was a carer for her mam,dad and brother.She was left to do everything at the demise of her own life.I lookd after my uncle,i wasnt able to do it so the family took him over.It would be easy no bother.Within a week he was in a home.

People really underestimate the stress and problems looking after somebody can bring.

The op said her brother has no kids well im assuming the op is now 60 so her kids are grown up.So really she cant use the kids exsuse either.

ExConstance · 25/10/2015 13:31

If the arrangements are difficult OP and her brother should pay someone else to get involved if they can. My mother insists on all and sundry giving her lifts to appointemnts whe she could go by hospital transport or just get a taxi. Children do not have obligations that need to be fulfilled to parents, they can assist in other ways than gving up their own time if they live a long way away. I see lots of families where a daughter will be struggling with teenaged children, and have "responsibilities" to parents. We all have lives of our own.

Bubblesinthesummer · 25/10/2015 13:57

Imo the brother thinks this is 'women's work', which is why he wants the op to do everything more.

Or maybe he' pi*ed off as op has assumed he will do it as she has said 'he has no partner or children' as if therefore he has no life, so default should do it. even though OP child is grown up

Funinthesun15 · 25/10/2015 13:58

The op said her brother has no kids well im assuming the op is now 60 so her kids are grown up.So really she cant use the kids exsuse either.

The OP has said her child is grown up.

porthtowanone · 25/10/2015 13:59

Have been on both sides in this situation ,caring for elderly parents is one of the most difficult jobs I have ever undertaken .I visit my dad 3 times a week but that isn't enough for my sister . I need to work to look after my family or we will not have a roof over our heads,visiting three times a week is all I can manage at the moment .All I would say is that if you can afford to drop some hours or maybe work a day less this may help your brother somewhat , I bet he probably feels he is doing this alone and some help from you however small might make him feel hes not on his own .

BoneyBackJefferson · 25/10/2015 15:30

"Imo the brother thinks this is 'women's work', which is why he wants the op to do everything more."

Thats a big conclusion to jump to.

HelenaDove · 25/10/2015 17:34

And the OP thinks its should be the work of someone who is childless.

whattheseithakasmean · 25/10/2015 17:40

In any case, the brother has stepped up and done the work & the OP is carping from the sidelines - as she clearly thinks she is cleverer than her brother. Pretty unattractive behaviour from the OP.

A wee bit of gratitude and humility may be appropriate to mend a few bridges - after all, if the brother said 'fuck it' and moved away from the parents, like the OP has, then what they do?

brokenhearted55a · 25/10/2015 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brokenhearted55a · 25/10/2015 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DinosaursRoar · 25/10/2015 18:36

Brokenhearted - the elderly parents have needed care for 4 weeks, being independent, driving themselves, perfectly healthy up to then....

Nottodaythankyouorever · 25/10/2015 18:48

Brokenhearted - the elderly parents have needed care for 4 weeks, being independent, driving themselves, perfectly healthy up to then

According to the OP who lives far away and doesn't see them often.

My PIL used to 'put on' that they were ok and healthy to my SIL who lived away and saw them about as often as OP does.

The truth however was very different.

brokenhearted55a · 25/10/2015 18:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ricardian · 25/10/2015 19:12

The row erupted because I'd picked up something on a hospital report and asked him if he'd mentioned it to the dr today (it's all a bit technical)

I must confess, if my sibling started playing doctor and patronising me with "it's all a bit technical", based on having Googled for the words, I'd be extremely short with them.

Nydj · 25/10/2015 19:17

OP, it looks like a lot of posters have had experiences of caring for elderly parents and some of them are, perhaps unwittingly, projecting their anger, frustration towards their own siblings to your situation.

Only you know what is the right thing to do so do just that. If your brother needs more help, he needs to be specific about what he would like you to do. He cannot expect you to relocate if that is not something that would suit your family. He is probably in shock at having to look after someone when, by the sounds of it, he has got this far in life without much emotional responsibility. He is not used to trying to juggle his routine with the changing needs of your parents and he is possibly taking out his anger and frustration of all this on you. After all, you are his big sister and maybe, you are the one that has tended to fix this for him in the past.

I hope you all manage to get through this really difficult time and that your health improves too. all round.

Imbroglio · 25/10/2015 19:27

My PIL used to 'put on' that they were ok and healthy to my SIL who lived away and saw them about as often as OP does.

Yes this was my experience too. Told everyone except me that everything was wonderful, then no-one believed me when I told them what she had been saying to me. Most frustrating.

Dismalfuckers · 25/10/2015 19:39

I think a lot of people in this that are projecting a lot of their own bitterness.

For goodness sake, the brother has helped with some hospital appointments! The op hs shown an interest and tried to discuss results, how can that possibly be a bad thing?

She is sixty years old, just had the flu, and lives very long round trip away! The brother is there, making a small effort to help the parents.

All I can say is that I would be very happy to help my parents in this way, I I could, it is an easy ask. I would not be able to drive that distance regularly to help, and think lots of the pp are in a parallell and righteous universe.

Have some humanity, the op is trying and has been ill. The ask is not realistic. Nor should it be, I would not want this from my children.

dustarr73 · 25/10/2015 22:01

The brother is there, making a small effort to help the parents.
Dismalfuckers read the above line,its more than the op is doing at the minute.

I think at this stage before it gets any worse you really need a sit down with your brother.And it needs to be sorted because it will get worse.

Ricardian · 25/10/2015 22:31

She is sixty years old, just had the flu, and lives very long round trip away! The brother is there, making a small effort to help the parents.

Meanwhile, the OP criticises the brother, while using her own medical degree Google skills to help provide diagnoses.

Shutthatdoor · 25/10/2015 22:40

She is sixty years old

There is no where in the OPs posts that says that.

It could be that her DBro is that age or even older.

Canyouforgiveher · 25/10/2015 22:40

The row erupted because I'd picked up something on a hospital report and asked him if he'd mentioned it to the dr today (it's all a bit technical)

This, to me, is the key to this situation.

My sister lived near my elderly mother and father. I live in a different country. I went home several times a year, tried to do as much as I could remotely (booking appointments etc) but I accepted that my sister, being close by was dealing with far more than me. And that was even before they got sick. She got all the immediate response calls and she knew she was "on" for them in a way I wasn't.

So ... I said thank you a lot to her. I did what I could. and I never ever asked her if she had done something for my parents. If I wanted to ask the doc, I'd say to her "I was wondering about x, do you think it would be ok for me to call the doctor to ask" I can only imagine her reaction if I had checked up on her performance, which, whether you intended it or not OP, is exactly what that question sounded like.

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