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Original poster

Pressure from husband

111 replies

quesadillas6 · 11/10/2015 08:10

I've posted many times recently about having difficulties coping with baby twins, and now I've got a problem with my DH and how he's pressuring me to continue breastfeeding. I'm currently mix feeding, but have had problems with poor weight gain from both babies, bad latch and general disinterest from both. I'm utterly miserable at the moment. Each feed is taking two hours and I have another child to look after, who gets extremely upset every time I do it. The midwife and health visitor don't believe I've got a good enough supply to drop the formula and solely breastfeed. But DH is pressuring me to continue. It's great that he's supportive of it, but it's turning into real pressure. Last night he said that if I gave up at a point he thought was too soon, and one of the children had health problems in the future, he'd be thinking that they might not have that problem if I'd fed them for longer. So he'll resent me for giving up, and I'll resent him if I continue. How do we get out of this? Me give up and just hope there are no problems in the future that he'll blame me for.

I do believe in the benefits of breastfeeding, or I wouldn't have started. But I also believe there's more to good health than just that. If I'd had an easier time, I'd be continuing. But I can't see why he'd want me to carry on with something I'm finding miserable, upsetting and painful. I wouldn't want him doing that, because he's my husband and I care about him. But he's just seeing me as some sort of baby feeding machine who isn't doing my job. And one of my reasons I want to give up is the effect it's having on my older child. I want to do what's best for everybody, but his pressure is contributing to me feeling like I'm headed towards depression. What do I do? If I say anything he looks all hurt and gives it the sad eyes and "I'm only trying to support you" stuff. But it's not support, it's pressure. I just feel stuck.

OP posts:

ilovelamp82 · 11/10/2015 08:32

I am all for breastfeeding and well done for managings so far. That being said I realise I was lucky with my dc and found it relatively easy with both. Everyone else around me seemed to encounter problems. I'll say the same to you as I said to them. Happy Mum, happy dc. There is no point carrying on if it is making the rest of the family miserable except your dh. How incredibly selfish of him.

This is one of those times when it is your decision not his. Don't feel bad about it. Be confident in your decision.

If he is rude enough to say these things to you again, tell him you have given it a lot of thought and you have made the best decision for the family and don't enter into a conversation where he can try and make you feel bad because YOU ARE NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 11/10/2015 08:37

When he can lactate, he can make the choice.
I've got twins, had a fascist MW who insisted that it was easy, was tired, boys hungry(well one cos the other was greedy) until hv said enough is enough. They are both strapping 6footers now.
You do what you want.

bexcee8 · 11/10/2015 08:41

As you say he's not supporting you he's putting pressure on you to do what he wants you to do.
Sounds like you've given it your best shot so now it's up to you. Do what you feel is right for yourself, the twins, your other child and the family. If he doesn't like it then tough and if he brings it up in the future for whatever reason then he being extremely mean. It's not like you want to give up for selfish reasons like you want to go out drinking, leave the twins with someone else or can't be bothered.
There's more likely to be health problems if they don't get enough milk to grow and develop now so if formulas the way to help them to do that then so be it.
All the best

RandomMess · 11/10/2015 08:41

Another avid breastfeeder here who says OMG enough!!!!

Tell him to go and find you a wet nurse if he thinks bf trumps all other needs...

Huge hugs, you've done well to get this far. I had a really tough, painful time with my first (had an older one who'd been bottle fed) the thought of being in that much agony x 2

DoreenLethal · 11/10/2015 08:45

Last night he said that if I gave up at a point he thought was too soon, and one of the children had health problems in the future, he'd be thinking that they might not have that problem if I'd fed them for longer. So he'll resent me for giving up, and I'll resent him if I continue. How do we get out of this?

You need to tell him to fuck off. And then mix up some formula.

VocationalGoat · 11/10/2015 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MudCity · 11/10/2015 08:55

You are absolutely right quesa. You have to weigh it up - pros and cons - and I agree, the cons are outweighing the pros in your case.

You are feeling low and miserable. It is impacting on your older child. Your twins are struggling to gain weight. Enough said. For me, that is more than enough reason to do things differently.

You do not have to feel guilty. You are doing what is best for you and your children. That is a good thing.

You are articulate and express yourself well so have this conversation with your DH. Or even, ask your midwife / health visitor to explain things to him.

You are not posing any risk to your babies by giving up breast feeding. However, you may be posing a risk to yourself, them, and your older child if you continue. Let alone the risk to your relationship with your husband!

Some men just don't get it. They hear the message 'breast is best' and interpret it in a black and white way rather than a person-centred way. Each to their own. You must do what is right for you. Take care.

VocationalGoat · 11/10/2015 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HelenF35 · 11/10/2015 09:04

The only person that carrying on. Would please is the one person it doesn't actually affect. It's quite clearly better for you and your Dcs to stop. Maybe that needs explaining to your dh? Otherwise he will have underfed twins, an upset older Dc and a miserable wife!

HelenF35 · 11/10/2015 09:05

I don't know where the full stop in the middle of that first sentence came from!

April2013 · 11/10/2015 09:07

Poor you, sounds very hard, I would recommend ringing the various breastfeeding\baby charities for advice - NCT, la leche league etc, get a range of ideas for how to go forward and decide what to try, there might be more ideas out there that could help whichever way you go that perhaps the health visitor \midwife hadnt thought of, i have found NCT helpline great when i was tearing my hair out with BF, it might be that you have hit a rough patch with bf and with some new help or advice it will become much easier in the future or it might be that you will swap to formula and that will work out fine too. I found BF very hard to start with and that was with just 1 baby but it got easier, then harder, easier, harder and so on then settled at easy. I know a lot of women swap to formula and it is the right decision for their situation and them and it works out totally fine.

PennyHasNoSurname · 11/10/2015 09:10

I think you had a thread on this earlier in the week? Am I right in thinking you also have a toddler? And your DH swans off to bed early and leave you with the babies and he also sleeps separate and gets a fullnight sleep every night?

If so, I think his opinion on you BFing is the least of your worries, the man is a twat and not one Id imagine would be supportive of anything that meant he had to be more involved.

sandgrown · 11/10/2015 09:18

With first baby I struggled on until the day the health visitor found me on my hands and knees in tears and sent ex-dh to buy formula and bottles! I cannot really remember the first few weeks as I was in a miserable haze and baby did not settle. I can still feel tearful when I think about it now and DS is an adult. For the sake of your own health and your babies' health and happiness change to formula now. Get HV or community midwife to explain to DH. Good luck. Your babies will be fine. My DS is a handsome 6 footer.

TheStoic · 11/10/2015 09:20

You need to ask him if he trusts you as a parent to your children.

If he does, then tell him he needs to trust the decisions you make for the whole family, and to shut the hell up about the breastfeeding.

If he doesn't, tell him to fuck off and leave.

DoreenLethal · 11/10/2015 09:23

I was trying to say what DoreenLethal said

My best friend struggled with bf for 6 very long weeks, I went round one day and she flung [well, gave gently] the baby to me, and sat down and cried for 2 hours. She was trying to be everything to everyone and I told her to just bloody get some formula. She did. It changed her outlook and I got my best mate back again. Importantly, her baby got her mum back - the proper mum. Not a shell.

clam · 11/10/2015 09:37

"Last night he said that if I gave up at a point he thought was too soon, and one of the children had health problems in the future, he'd be thinking that they might not have that problem if I'd fed them for longer."

I think that's possibly the worst case of manipulation I've read on here for a long time. What a vile thing to say - that it would be your fault if one of your babies became ill?

Sounds to me as if the BF issue is the least of your issues with this bloke on the scene, to be honest.

Notgrumpyjustquiet · 11/10/2015 09:38

Another thing that can affect your flow is stress - your dh is clearly not helping you! What dire consequences of bottle feeding is he afraid of, exactly? I agree with everything said by others, in particular, when he can lactate then he can decide. Get them on the formula, get them putting weight on, get them sleeping, get some sleep yourself and tell dh to either pitch in with his family or fuck the fuck off.

(Trying to bf twins though, I'm in complete awe )

clam · 11/10/2015 09:40

Oh, and if he's going to spout bollocks like that, ask him for accredited research to prove which childhood illnesses can be directly attributed to having "only" been breastfed for a shorter period of time than he thinks is appropriate. arsehole (him, not you, of course!)

gamerchick · 11/10/2015 09:46

I commented on your last thread. It's time to stop nursing now, your bloke is acting like a prick and needs to hear the words fuck off!

The only way you're going to be able to attempt to carry on nursing going on you situation is if you take to you bed and your bloke does EVERYTHING else. Ideal if you didn't have an older child.

Don't discuss it anymore, just start dropping feeds so your supply goes down slowly. He can't force you to breastfeed and you have to look after your mental health.

Intradental · 11/10/2015 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GoodnightDarthVader · 11/10/2015 09:53

doreenlethal said it perfectly. If it's so easy to breastfeed, let him do it.

You tried, it's not working. You've done nothing wrong.

GoodnightDarthVader · 11/10/2015 09:54

And yes, "if our child is ill in the future I'm going to assume it's your fault" is NOT support, it's being an asshole.

Branleuse · 11/10/2015 09:57

Tell him that you already feel enough guilt about how hard it is, without him piling on even more pressure, and that youve done your absolute best and that he has absolutely no idea how hideous this is beginning to feel for you. You just want to be able to enjoy your babies

NameChange30 · 11/10/2015 09:58

I agree with clam: "Sounds to me as if the BF issue is the least of your issues with this bloke on the scene, to be honest."

My advice: tell him to fuck off. Do what's best for you and your baby. And ask yourself whether he is loving and supportive or whether he is manipulative and controlling in other ways.

Shakey15000 · 11/10/2015 10:03

Another vote here for telling him to fuck off. I read your previous thread and just feel awful for you. How DARE he manipulate you like this.

Please, please switch to formula. This is YOUR mind and body and both need to be healthy.

I bloody wish he'd come on here and try and justify himself. I'd wipe the bloody floor with him.

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