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Original poster

Pressure from husband

111 replies

quesadillas6 · 11/10/2015 08:10

I've posted many times recently about having difficulties coping with baby twins, and now I've got a problem with my DH and how he's pressuring me to continue breastfeeding. I'm currently mix feeding, but have had problems with poor weight gain from both babies, bad latch and general disinterest from both. I'm utterly miserable at the moment. Each feed is taking two hours and I have another child to look after, who gets extremely upset every time I do it. The midwife and health visitor don't believe I've got a good enough supply to drop the formula and solely breastfeed. But DH is pressuring me to continue. It's great that he's supportive of it, but it's turning into real pressure. Last night he said that if I gave up at a point he thought was too soon, and one of the children had health problems in the future, he'd be thinking that they might not have that problem if I'd fed them for longer. So he'll resent me for giving up, and I'll resent him if I continue. How do we get out of this? Me give up and just hope there are no problems in the future that he'll blame me for.

I do believe in the benefits of breastfeeding, or I wouldn't have started. But I also believe there's more to good health than just that. If I'd had an easier time, I'd be continuing. But I can't see why he'd want me to carry on with something I'm finding miserable, upsetting and painful. I wouldn't want him doing that, because he's my husband and I care about him. But he's just seeing me as some sort of baby feeding machine who isn't doing my job. And one of my reasons I want to give up is the effect it's having on my older child. I want to do what's best for everybody, but his pressure is contributing to me feeling like I'm headed towards depression. What do I do? If I say anything he looks all hurt and gives it the sad eyes and "I'm only trying to support you" stuff. But it's not support, it's pressure. I just feel stuck.

OP posts:
Morganly · 11/10/2015 15:36

You could just get on with it now and not even have the big conversation if you don't want to. You've said your say, he's said his, why bother keep going over it? Just do it and ignore him.

Alternatively, does it matter if you get emotional? He needs to understand how desperate you are.

Kr1stina · 11/10/2015 15:39

Get your husband to go part time so he can be around to care for Your toddler and the baby you are not feeding . As the parent of three young children, he's entitled to ask for flexible or part time work

Wake him in the night to change and settle the baby you have just fed ,

In the day , take to your bed / sofa with a box set and one baby . Do nothing else around the house .

Let's see how committed he is to breast feeding when it's him that's doing the work

Goingtobeawesome · 11/10/2015 15:50

I breast fed all mine until 7-9 months. Two have problems. If your husband wants to blame me I'll send AF round. What a complete twat. Him, not AF.

My feeling is he's trying to get out of feeding his children. If you would like to continue breast feeding and need support to do so, tomorrow make the call. If you'd like to stop and your husbands bullying is stopping you, stop. Ignore him. You get to trump him on this occasion.

ShebaShimmyShake · 11/10/2015 15:57

Yes. Don't talk to him about it. He has nothing to contribute and there's nothing to discuss anyway. Just start with the formula and watch your baby thrive and your mental health improve. If husband throws a tantrum and blames you when the kid inevitably gets a cold or whatever, tell everyone. Seriously. Just tell everyone you know that you tried to breastfeed, couldn't, the midwife and doctor advised you not to, it was affecting your ability to parent your other kids and your mental health, but husband blames you for the baby being snuffly. Tell everyone he blames you. Family, friends, take out an advert in the local paper.

And see how much support he gets...

clam · 11/10/2015 16:45

Just seen that the latest nhs infant feeding statistics (2010) say that whilst 83% of newborns are initially breastfed, this drops to 24% being exclusively bf at 6 weeks.

Sounds like you'd be in company with many others to introduce formula at this stage.

MistressMerryWeather · 11/10/2015 17:16

You should get emotional.

It might shock this asshole into remembering that you're a human being and not some lactation device there to make his life easier.

He's playing the guilt game to get what he wants, please don't put up with it any longer, you've been through enough.

AnyFucker · 11/10/2015 17:23

I reckon op has "got emotional" many times but he has dismissed her as a hormonal woman and used it to reinforce his view of her as useless female

Time to put the emotions aside now and use your head. Is this man a fitting partner and father ?

annandale · 11/10/2015 17:31

Not really sure why getting emotional in front of your partner is such a scary prospect Sad what happens if you do?

Future imaginary health problems of the children - what about YOUR health right now?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 11/10/2015 17:41

When he can lactate, he can make the choice.

This. Absolutely.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 11/10/2015 17:42

Oh, and out of my 3 children, the one with the least amount of health problems is the one that was breastfed for the shortest amount of time.

MatrixReloaded · 11/10/2015 17:52

I suspect you're falling into the trap of thinking if you can just explain things properly he will get it. He does get it. He's decided he's the boss of you.

Elendon · 11/10/2015 17:54

Anecdote alert! My strongest child was the one who was breastfed for the shortest time. The longest breastfed one turned out to be autistic. (I have three).

Truth alert! He doesn't want to feed them or help with the bottles.

Elendon · 11/10/2015 18:13

Oh and my middle child is gay. (She was breastfed exclusively for two months).

Grin
popalot · 11/10/2015 18:33

He knows what he's doing. No real point in talking to him. It will be like banging your head against a brick wall.

Save yourself the stress and get on with the formula. We all know you are doing an amazing job. So does he. You need to remind yourself of that fact. He's just got another agenda (himself) that he puts first and that has nothing to do with you or the twins. Do what you know is best and you will feel much much better....if ff is what you need to do then literally as soon as you pop the bottles in their mouths the weight will lift off your shoulders.

If he argues tell him he is either on board or he can get to.

popalot · 11/10/2015 18:36

ps my dd was ff after first few days and she is very healthy. As are most of the babies from the 70s who were ff as per the fashion of the times. Milk is milk, from cow or human (or goat - that's why nanny goats are so called). Feel no guilt and know it is totally all good.

Elendon · 11/10/2015 18:58

My aunt was fed milk from a nanny goat from birth as her mum, my gran, was so ill post birth, she was unable to feed her. She's now in her eighties, was a midwife in the 50s and rode a motorbike to get to her clients!

Hissy · 11/10/2015 19:00

The only thing that matters is the health and weight gain of the babies.

How you do that is your decision.

I too loved the "when he can lactate" comment.

Elendon · 11/10/2015 19:02

Oh and my gran lived to mid nineties.

NameChange30 · 11/10/2015 22:20

"At the moment she us doing all the childcare herself so what does he bring to the table but mind fucking and cash. Get rid of the mind fucking and he will still have to stump up the cash."

Very well put, AF! And true of many of the unhappy relationships people post about on here.

Original poster
quesadillas6 · 12/10/2015 08:22

Well, this morning he seems to have softened a bit, but I'm not sure how much. Overnight I didn't breastfeed, partially as an experiment to see how full I was in the morning, and as I suspected, not a lot there despite missing a feed. I told him this and he just mumbled something about maybe it being time to start dropping feeds. But it's one thing saying that, and another meaning it. Instead of saying "if our children have health problems I'll be thinking it's your fault" why couldn't he say something like "let's make sure we've looked into everything to get breastfeeding working, and if it's still making you unhappy, stop."

Everybody here has made good points. He's never exhibited any kind of controlling or abusive behaviour in the past, and I've been thinking long and hard about that recently. I hope this issue is a one off and down to stress, tiredness or being she'll shocked at having two new babies. None of those are an excuse, true, but I'm hoping we can get back on track. As long as he stops being a twat, obviously.

OP posts:
BathtimeFunkster · 12/10/2015 08:59

He's never exhibited any kind of controlling or abusive behaviour in the past

Well he's sure as fuck exhibiting it now.

Seeing a new mother of twins say that her husband has "softened a bit" this morning chills my blood.

It would even if you weren't talking about your decision to stop breastfeeding, which no decent man would do anything but support.

MariaV0nTrapp · 12/10/2015 10:46

I haven't read the full thread just your first and most recent post and the first page.. honestly though OP from that alone I'd tell him to fuck right off and come back when he has a good supply to feed the twins with.

Im all for breastfeeding but unfortunately couldn't, it just would not come. I dont feel guilty because I wasn't made to feel guilty.

NameChange30 · 12/10/2015 10:51

Just read this morning's update - you seem to be waiting for him to make the decision and give you permission! Wtf?! Just decide and tell him you are bottle feeding. I don't often say this but you need to get a grip (sorry) and start being assertive.

AnyFucker · 12/10/2015 11:03

I have to agree with Emma

Your body, your choice

He lost his "choice" when he started applying the pressure

I am also dismayed by the "he seems to be softening" update. Don't wait for him to "soften"...tell him what is happening and he can Like It or Lump It. Then close your ears and your mind to the emotional blackmail. Better still, get him out of the house, but I think you are a long way from that (more's the pity)

Original poster
quesadillas6 · 12/10/2015 11:12

I've chosen to stop. No more night time feeding as a start, and cut out the daytime ones over the next week or two. Hopefully I'll start feeling better soon. Thanks for all your comments.

As for the husband, no, right now, I'm not prepared to end my marriage over this. Yes, he's been a complete idiot, and yes, I do feel disrespected over it. But I need to get through the foggy newborn days before making any major changes. Maybe I'll eventually decide I'm better off without him, or maybe we'll be able to get through it. But at the moment I'm concentrating on my babies, my older child and myself.

OP posts: