Pressure from husband

[quesadillas6]

I've posted many times recently about having difficulties coping with baby twins, and now I've got a problem with my DH and how he's pressuring me to continue breastfeeding. I'm currently mix feeding, but have had problems with poor weight gain from both babies, bad latch and general disinterest from both. I'm utterly miserable at the moment. Each feed is taking two hours and I have another child to look after, who gets extremely upset every time I do it. The midwife and health visitor don't believe I've got a good enough supply to drop the formula and solely breastfeed. But DH is pressuring me to continue. It's great that he's supportive of it, but it's turning into real pressure. Last night he said that if I gave up at a point he thought was too soon, and one of the children had health problems in the future, he'd be thinking that they might not have that problem if I'd fed them for longer. So he'll resent me for giving up, and I'll resent him if I continue. How do we get out of this? Me give up and just hope there are no problems in the future that he'll blame me for.

I do believe in the benefits of breastfeeding, or I wouldn't have started. But I also believe there's more to good health than just that. If I'd had an easier time, I'd be continuing. But I can't see why he'd want me to carry on with something I'm finding miserable, upsetting and painful. I wouldn't want him doing that, because he's my husband and I care about him. But he's just seeing me as some sort of baby feeding machine who isn't doing my job. And one of my reasons I want to give up is the effect it's having on my older child. I want to do what's best for everybody, but his pressure is contributing to me feeling like I'm headed towards depression. What do I do? If I say anything he looks all hurt and gives it the sad eyes and "I'm only trying to support you" stuff. But it's not support, it's pressure. I just feel stuck.

He's being a twat. I know he's being a twat. I'm just feeling so low and vulnerable at the moment (which is hard for me to admit) that I don't have it in me to fully argue with him. And as he knows, I wanted to be this time, like I did last time. Had it been one baby, I'd probably have managed longer than with two. That's another thing stopping me from fully switching - that I wanted to do it again.

You're all right. Normally he's not controlling, although he does like to be in control of his life. It's never negatively affected me, although my eyes are more open now. I remember saying to him a few months ago that I was worried about how hard this was going to be and I hoped we'd make it through still together and without saying stupid things in the heat of the moment when we're stressed. Oh no, he says, we'll be fine. I'm not so sure now. I know I have to confront it properly. If anything, he won't be able to cope with three kids if I end up ill. And I don't want to put my children in that position.

Agree he is just trying to avoid night feeds, that was my first thought.

He is an unsupportive arse

quesadillas, of course you are low and vulnerable; you've just had a baby and have another child to deal with. You'd be feeling vulnerable and emotional even if routines and breastfeeding and everything else were going perfectly.

You don't need to confront him or explain yourself. Just start formula feeding. You don't need his permission. If he does sad eyes again, just give him a bottle too. That's the only way to deal with a big baby.

The thing is, I'd still be happy to do the majority of the night feeds, particularly during the week when he's at work. I'm on maternity leave, that's my job. I'd be ok with just a bit of respite at weekends. So if he is saying all this to avoid getting up at night, he's wrong.

He just wants you to keep BF so he can sleep in another room and not help with any night feeds. That's it. Stop BF, start enjoying your babies more and he can help out, even if its just one night on the weekend.

How old are your DTs?

My boys (not twins, so much easier) are now 28 and 30. They were completely bf until beyond 6 months and not completely weaned (night feed) until -oh - 18 months!

One has quite bad hay fever and is prone to colds and the other isn't - go figure! I know that hay fever etc is one of the things bf is supposed to guard against - but he still gets it quite badly.

They seem to have had the same illnesses/ailments that other ff children have had and certainly looking at them, you wouldn't think "Oh what a picture of health". I suppose their general health is good for which I am grateful but unlike some of the ff children on here they are not "strapping six-footers". BF is not a guarantee.

My XH was supportive (but not manipulative) although, like AyeAmarok says, I think he was just happy to avoid night feeds.

It doesn't matter why he's saying it. It doesn't matter what he thinks. He can fuck off.

Start formula. You are miserable. You are unable to feed and care for your kids properly. They are being affected by lack of nourishment and an exhausted, unsupported mother. Start formula. Don't discuss, don't explain, just do it. If he whinges, send him here.

Horrific . If breastfeeding is working well, brilliant. If it's not, formula is fine too. This imbuing breast milk with some kind of magical properties that will ward off future illnesses is ridiculous. You've managed to do it for a wee while, they will have benefited from that. I cannot imagine how stressful it is trying to feed twins (all by yourself, with no breaks) AND look after a toddler.

Your husband, I don't even have words for how much of an arse I think he is being. You've done your bit, you need to look after yourself now. I wouldn't even try the mixed feeding. You sound exhausted and it's time to use formula without any guilt/regrets, and be able to actually enjoy being a Mum/having nice times with all 3 of your children. It's also time that you made up some bottles and left your husband to look after the twins while you have time to yourself or with your toddler. Let him try twins by himself, absolute deluded man that he is. I'm actually raging on your behalf.

My DS was entirely formula fed - I had to go back to work after 5 weeks and my partner was very unsupportive. He is extremely healthy (and clever). I breastfed my DD until 10 months, but by that stage my DS was 8 and at school and I was relaxed and had lots of peace and quiet. Even then, it was hard at times feeling like I couldn't give him enough attention. 3 little ones? I am full of admiration for you even trying. Have these and some , don't let ANYONE make you feel bad about how you choose to feed your babies.

Oh and you may be on maternity leave, but it's not 'your job' to be doing it 24/7 with no support from their father. You should not be the only one having some disturbed nights sleep!!! (Grrr, still raging on your behalf ).

Your husband sounds like a bit of a cock. Sorry.

I breastfed for about 18 months but if I hadn't found it as easy as I did I would've had no qualms at all with switching to formula earlier.

Looking after two newborns is hard enough anyway. Why make it even harder when it doesn't need to be?

Lose the breastfeeding and lose the husband

He is a lazy, mind fucking piece of shit.

I agree with PP's. He wants you to keep going because if not, you'd naturally expect him to do something like......dunno........oh right, PARENTING.

My view is it will benefit 4 people over 1, majority rules, you stop breastfeeding, twins will get more, toddler gets more time with you and you get less stress knowing that they getting what they need.

Straight talking as ever from AF

Anyfucker you really MUST learn to form an opinion!

I completely agree. He's being an utter twat in every respect.

Seriously though, there is no engaging with a person like this. Trying to persuade him to get off his wife's case with something as alien to him as "reasonable discussion", fairness and what is best for everyone is falling on deaf ears. Op has already tried that. He won't listen to stats etc that don't fit his fixed idea that she must bf even if it is harming her own health and isn't even at this stage benefitting the twins.

He is right, and fuck everyone else. That us what op is dealing with. She doesn't need someone like piling on the pressure. At the moment she us doing all the childcare herself so what does he bring to the table but mind fucking and cash. Get rid of the mind fucking and he will still have to stump up the cash.

Agree completely - op you're not an equal in his eyes, you're something else for him to control. And if you don't comply then he gets shitty.

He actually sounds like a manipulative, abusive arsehole.

I can't be bothered to look for it, but some time ago there was an excellent Bryony Gordon column about this. She was unable to breastfeed, switched to formula, and her daughter was healthy and well and nourished. Bryony spoke to a friend (a doctor, I think, or a medical writer) who expressed her utter frustration and rage at the idiots who insist that breast is best even when it's demonstrably inadequate and harmful, and pulled the age-old, 'well what did people do before formula?' I'm paraphrasing here, but the friend went on to say something along the lines of, "What do they mean, what did we do before modern medicines? Babies who couldn't get wet nurses starved! People who needed glasses couldn't see! Women who needed intervention in labour died! People got amputations for broken legs! That's what the fuck we did!"

In an ideal world, bf is probably best. But this isn't an ideal world, and the OP has other issues going on with her twins so, on balance, for her, she (and they) would benefit from switching to formula.

What is so hard about that for her twattish dh to comprehend?

I've posted on your past two threads and I'll say it again... I'm the biggest advocate of breast feeding, yes, it's wonderful with bells on etc...

BUT

You have to stop now. Seriously, it's making you miserable, it's affecting your other child, and most importantly, it's affecting your mental health. You've done a brilliant job, you have my full respect and admiration (BTW - that's what your DH should be saying to you) but you have to put yourself first, please.

Just tell him: Tomorrow, I'm beginning the switch to formula, it's happening.

Talk to him about the schedule of feeds, amounts, times but honestly OP, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. it's your body, it is so physically demanding and the mental pressure to keep a baby....two babies alive and thriving, well, it's just huge. It's time to bulk buy the formula and bottles. You've already done a fantastic job.

Oh and use his credit card to treat yourself to a Tommy tippee perfect prep machine

Already got a Perfect Prep machine. Bizarrely on DH's insistence.

I'm at home on my own with the babies tomorrow. I think I'm going to write down exactly what I want to say to him so that I don't get emotional in front of him.

I really don't get this. Breast feeding was unspeakably painful for me. Worse than childbirth. Really. And I had a shit first birth.
Managed 3 weeks breastfeeding with dc1. Doctor said time to stop as not enough milk. Then got abscess. Felt guilty. Depressed.
2nd Dc, 5 weeks breastfeeding- last 2 weeks morning and evening.
No guilt. Did what I could. Hated it. Why all the angst? The first week or so is important. After that frankly your health is way way way more important. Just stop. If you want to keep doing a bit do. Really your husband can just FOTTFSOF.

How strange that your husband has the machine but insists you continue to do something you're finding so very difficult.

Good idea OP. Write down your main points. Ask him to sit down and listen. You can do it, you are being totally fair and reasonable.

It is actually possible for men to lactate so tell this fool to crack on and do it himself. All he needs to do is starve himself for long enough to affect liver function, twiddle his nipples (presumably until they're sore and bleeding like yours), and bish bash bosh, job's a carrot.

Hey if it's that important, he'll do it, right?

But seriously - presumably your H is not medically qualified in neo-natal care? So he needs to shut the fuck up and listen to what the professionals, i.e. your midwife and HV, have said.

Your husband fucks off to bed early each night and gets a full nights sleep ?

No wonder he's pressuring you to continue. Once you are bottle feeding he will be expected to help out and he doesn't want to. He wouldn't be able to go to bed early and he wouldn't be getting a full nights sleep. It would be unbelievably cruel to leave you to bottle feed twins on your own. That's what's behind this, not any bullshit about health issues.

He's a lazy manipulative wanker, and his only concern is how it's going to affect him.

"I think I'm going to write down exactly what I want to say to him so that I don't get emotional in front of him".

It won't make any odds because he still will not listen to you and will likely try and talk/shout you down. He is not interested in your opinion; his is the only viewpoint that matters. He is that bloody self absorbed and entitled. His only concern is him and his needs.

I would also think that if you were to look at other areas of your relationship more closely you would also find those selfish patterns of behaviour as well.

What do you get out of this relationship now with this man?. That is a question you need to consider too.