Pressure from husband

[quesadillas6]

I've posted many times recently about having difficulties coping with baby twins, and now I've got a problem with my DH and how he's pressuring me to continue breastfeeding. I'm currently mix feeding, but have had problems with poor weight gain from both babies, bad latch and general disinterest from both. I'm utterly miserable at the moment. Each feed is taking two hours and I have another child to look after, who gets extremely upset every time I do it. The midwife and health visitor don't believe I've got a good enough supply to drop the formula and solely breastfeed. But DH is pressuring me to continue. It's great that he's supportive of it, but it's turning into real pressure. Last night he said that if I gave up at a point he thought was too soon, and one of the children had health problems in the future, he'd be thinking that they might not have that problem if I'd fed them for longer. So he'll resent me for giving up, and I'll resent him if I continue. How do we get out of this? Me give up and just hope there are no problems in the future that he'll blame me for.

I do believe in the benefits of breastfeeding, or I wouldn't have started. But I also believe there's more to good health than just that. If I'd had an easier time, I'd be continuing. But I can't see why he'd want me to carry on with something I'm finding miserable, upsetting and painful. I wouldn't want him doing that, because he's my husband and I care about him. But he's just seeing me as some sort of baby feeding machine who isn't doing my job. And one of my reasons I want to give up is the effect it's having on my older child. I want to do what's best for everybody, but his pressure is contributing to me feeling like I'm headed towards depression. What do I do? If I say anything he looks all hurt and gives it the sad eyes and "I'm only trying to support you" stuff. But it's not support, it's pressure. I just feel stuck.

I'd tell the HV/MW
And let them talk to your DH

Wow you're amazing to have fed them for so long! Good job

As to your DH tell him to fuck off and then fuck off some more.

I breast fed all my DC, my sisters formula fed all theirs. All the DC are absolutely fine.

Your husband is being completely unreasonable.

How will he cope when you have a mental and physical breakdown?

Nobody is happy when babies aren't thriving. The care, worry and feeling powerless to help messes with everybody's head. Your DH is taking it out on you because you're the only other person in the house who understands what he says!

However his role ought to be the supportive empowering one, taking care of the toddler while you concentrate on feeding two (two!) babies. That's not happening.

I advise you to carry on mixed feeding, starting each baby off on the breast when they're hungriest and will stimulate production, and then handing them to DH who will bottle feed them. I suppose it also means weighing them before and after to see how much they've taken. He's capable of doing that.
Breastfeeding twins is a huge job and he needs to be involved FFS!

Please feel free to show him my post.

I can't understand his motives. Is it like a pp said, he is in control and enjoying seeing you suffer? I have no idea.

What a vile man. Please don't say how wonderful he is in other ways, eg good husband, loving father as his behaviour on this negates everything.

You need to be firm when you tell him you are not going to bf any more, that is your choice and act as if you don't care what he says, he can like it or lump it.

I think you have more serious issues than the breast feeding if you have to live with an arsehole like this but one thing at a time.

I have 3 DC's--DD1 breast fed, DS mix fed and DD2 bottle fed. All are equally healthy. Tell your H to do when he is able to breast feed DC's THEN he can make the choice when to stop.
Your body your choice.

I'd tell your husband that the babies are guaranteed to have health problems if you can't get enough food into them so you'll be giving them bottles from now on. You've breast fed for a bit and they've got the health benefits of that already - please don't let him make you ill.

Your husband has bought into all the breast feeding hyperbole. The benefits over FF are inflated and dependent on so many other things.

I've fed two babies till 6 months (3 year age gap). I expect that I won't feed a third, at least not beyond a few weeks. The reason is that I have a massive oversupply problem to which I have never managed to find a solution despite all the advice I could find. The babies have to get though massives of the watery stuff to get to any fatty milk. So, to gain weight my babies have had to feed and feed and feed all day long while I wear a hole in the chair. That was fine with baby 1. A bit tougher with baby 2 -how do you look after the eldest when you are constantly feeding? And I imagine it would be close to impossible if a 3rd came along.

He really has lost sight of the bigger picture. Focussing on the extremely small added benefits of breast feeding over the very real and signficant detrimental effect on you and your family's happiness suggests he needs a bit of a reality check.

I bet you he's guilting you into carrying on breastfeeding so there's no chance he has to do his share of the night feeds

Tell him 'You are not being supportive. Supportive would be you doing a fair share of getting up in the night to FORMULA FEED the TWINS that YOU helped to create. You know, being a dad? Not guilt tripping me into something that is harming my mental health and ability to be a good mother, while having zero effect on you. That's not being supportive, that's being a blinkered, unhelpful, manipulative prick.'

I'm struggling with breastfeeding too.

I'm feeding one baby (my pfb) and can only imagine the hell you're in with twins and an older child to look after.

I've been mix feeding since ds was three days old and lost 11.6% of his birth weight, and we were told we had to stay in the hospital. I switched to formula because I couldn't express much and he couldn't latch. And I wanted to go home.

I now only give him one bottle at night (3 weeks on), but there are times when my nipples are so sore I want to give up bf altogether.

I actually hate breastfeeding, it doesn't make me feel closer to the baby, it makes me resent him for the pain I'm in... I know it's supposed to be best, but I will stop it soon, I just know I will. Because it's making me so unhappy.

Your dh is definitely being selfish here. I think you need to explain that he needs to let you make this decision for the family and he needs to trust you. Saying that he'd blame you if one of your twins got I'll in the future is one of the cruelest things I've ever read on here. You should tell him how cruel it is, and that you're not accepting it. He needs to back off and let you make this decision.

and congratulations on getting this far with it. I'm also in awe!

Health problems in the future?? What about health problems now for them and you if they aren't gaining weight as they should be and you are anxious and exhausted because BFing is taking over your life? It is incredibly unsupportive of him to be pressuring you to continue, and to be emotionally blackmailing you like he is. This is your decision, just as it is your body that you are using to feed your babies, and it is you that is struggling. Do what is best for you and your babies right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with formula.

You also need to tell him that the health benefits of breastfeeding over formula are pretty minimal once you control for affluence, good sanitation and other factors. The evidence for harm caused by severe PND, on the other hand, is rock solid and there are strong links between breastfeeding guilt, unsupportive partners and maternal PND. So he can buck his fucking ideas up and actually help.

I would echo charlesroi's post.

Your husband's lack of support is appalling. You are doing brilliantly

Have you considered that if you switch it formula completely, your husband will have no excuse not to help with the night feeds?

Sounds more to me like he is enjoying the not pulling his weight with the twins.

Do what's best for you and your babies, in this case formula feeding. And tell him he now has equal opportunity to do half the feeds.

If he does the big eyes I'll blame you thing, tell him fine, but he's doing all housework/cooking/cleaning/non feeding duties till you wean the boys.

He sounds really mean

Am I the only one thinking of the part in Meet The Parents where Ben Stiller says, "you can milk anything with nipples"? Now you need to get all Robert Di Nero on him and say, "you have nipples DH, you want to try it?".

He's manipulating you, feeding off the guilt we're all supposed to feel if BF doesn't work out, keeping the babies your responsibility rather than joint. And he's willing to watch you cry in pain and frustration to do so under the guise of being supportive.

There's a possibility so tiny you couldn't put a number on it that either of the kids could develop an issue that could have been prevented had you breastfed longer, but it sounds like it's almost a certainty that you'll be left with depression, anxiety or other issues stemming from stress and exhaustion if you continue along this road. On the balance of probabilities, you're the one at real risk, not the babies. I'm so angry for you. What you need to do is have him there when you next meet with your midwife or HV and let him put his crackpot ideas to the professionals and see what they think.

I had this with only 1dc. At the end of the day what would your dh prefer, his babies to be BF or his wife to be of sane mind and able to look after 3 children? It has got fuck all to do with him. You need to be very assertive now, I was less so and stuck it out longer than I could cope with, was beyond exhausted and in searing pain, all of which played no small part in ending up with PND. Not that I'm blaming my dh for that, but new mums need to look after their own well being first and foremost and we get caught up in this ' image' of being the perfect mum, without giving ourselves a second thought!

Your husband is an absolute cunt to say that to you.

You are right, he is treating you like a milk producing machine rather than a person.

What clam said. What the actual fuck is wrong with him.

He is an absolute raging idiot. I don't think this has anything to do with wanting the best for his children. I think it's all about control. I'd class this as borderline abusive behaviour. Where else might it be acceptable for a man to pressure a woman to do something she can't do, which makes her miserable and isn't even necessary?

If he's so concerned about the baby's welfare, he can consider what good it does them to be undernourished and with a stressed, unhappy mother who can't care for her properly because her partner is such a shitbag to her at such a vulnerable and emotional time.

Start formula. Every mother I've known who wanted to breastfeed and couldn't was an absolute mess until she got on to the formula and discovered baby was happy, nourished and all was well. Breast is not best if it's making you miserable or if you just bloody can't do it.

Your husband needs to fuck off and then come back so he can fuck off again. When he's gone through pregnancy and childbirth, and when he's lactating from his mammary glands, then he can dictate it. What an utter nob.

I had problems bf-ing my first DC, I made myself ill trying to please the militant MW's at the hospital, they were really pressuring me to bf at a time when I was just trying to get to grips with having a baby and everything that entails! The day I switched to formula was just pure relief, I didn't have a screaming, hungry, yellow (he wasn't eating enough and was getting jaundiced) baby and I could finally enjoy being a mum.

Your 'D'H sounds like a bully, there is no set in stone concrete proof that bf-ing prevents any particular disease, just raises the immune system.

But out of my husband and I, I was bf, he was ff. He hasn't had a day off physically sick from his job ever, he has a perfect BMI and is as fit as a fiddle. I, on the other hand, catch every single cold going and have done my whole life, have a terrible immune system and have a high BMI, and always have since childhood.

I totally support bf-ing, I managed it with my second 2 DC's, but not to the detriment of the mother's state of mind, that is one of the most important things a child can have, a happy, healthy mum.

I found this article interesting about the longer term benefits on breast feeding. Or lack of them.

However, I think OP's DH is an arsewipe, and can easily see that this could be a way of avoiding actually having to parent his own children.

Your husband is controlling you by bf. I would continue mix feeding on the condition he steps up & cares for the loder child & does all the house stuff.

Or you could ff & share the care of all the children.

Guessing he wont agree to either but continue to manipulate & control you.
This isnt a bf/ff issue its a relationship/dynamics/control issue.

Christ he sounds like a tosser

Idiot- BF both my two until about a year... They still get sick (no shit).
There is a health benefit, but in the grand scheme of things it's minimal.
Oh and totally pales into significance in terms of the effect parental relationships have on childrens well being. If he really cares about his childrens future wellbeing he needs to get his arse to relate and/or a parenting course and learn how to be supportive, empathetic and communicate to his partner.

I also BF my four kids, and I fully support you in stopping if that is what you need!

Just to fully explore your options, have you thought about pumping breast milk and bottle feeding them that? It might be more efficient.

However, I should reveal that while I had an excellent breast pump, it was not great fun using it. I fell asleep once while attached to it and woke up to a very distorted breast, indeed. It took a few hours to go back to normal.