Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

uh-oh I feel trouble brewing...

122 replies

poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 03/12/2006 13:09

At a family do 3 years ago my BIL (my sisters husband) who doesnt 'do' children lost his temper with my DS1 (who was 6 at the time) and picked him up by his throat and threw his across the room. Neither DH or myself witnessed this but found DS1 crying in a corner a few moments later with red marks around his throat By the time we managed to ascertain what had happened BIL had gone.

I telephoned my sister the next day to talk to her about it (I was on the phone for 1 1/2 hours to her) and basically she said that it was DS1's fault because he shouldnt have wound BIL up. WTF!!? I put my view across very plainly and ended up saying that we would have to agree to disagree as I didnt want to fall out with her about it.

We havent seen my BIL since. I have seen my sister. He doesnt normally come to any family do's because he doesnt like being around people.

Anyway, I seem to have landed with hosting Christmas afternoon with the family round my house. I assumed BIL would not come as per usual which is fine by us.

Sister has announced that yes, he will be coming.

DH says he is still waiting for his apology. This could be a very interesting Christmas afternoon.

OP posts:
MerryChristmasfromQV · 03/12/2006 13:10

Oh bollocks.

That sucks. Dont know what to advise really.

ledodgychristmasjumper · 03/12/2006 13:11

Oh Dear, I can't belive he has never apologised at the least! He could be charged for assault doing that to a man never mind a 6 year old he sounds like a right bastard to tell you the truth! I hope your sister has no plans to have children with this man.

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 03/12/2006 13:12

He had better not even think about touching any of my children . He is like a dog you can not trust... happy one minute then when he has had enough... snap

OP posts:
ledodgychristmasjumper · 03/12/2006 13:12

I feel sorry for you on Christmas afternoon though, i'd have a word with your sister and say your dh wants an apology or bil cannot come.

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 03/12/2006 13:13

She has had two! They are in their 20's now. They have never been allowed to have friends round to play and even now, never invite friends over.

OP posts:
ledodgychristmasjumper · 03/12/2006 13:13

That is so

bran · 03/12/2006 13:14

Personally, I wouldn't have someone like that in my house. Anyone who did that to my (or indeed any) child should consider themselves lucky not to have assault charges brought against them. Tell your sister that he is not welcome in your house.

There's no way it would work, at the very best your and your dh will spend your day supressing your fury at the sight of him and at the worst he could assualt someone again.

vitomum · 03/12/2006 13:17

eeeeugh. he sounds absolutely vile. would there be a massive fall out if you said he was not welcome?

me23 · 03/12/2006 13:17

ok this 'man' threw your ds a 6 year old child across a room and throttled him! this man would not be stepping foot in my house I totally understand where your dh is coming from, and to top it off he hasnt even apologised that's disgraceful!

lulumama · 03/12/2006 13:18

had your BIL doen that to another adult, he would have been arrested and prosecuted, no doubt. a 6 yr old 'winding up' a grown man is no excuse for violence.....

why is he coming to your do if he normally avoids them?

he sounds far too volatile to be trusted anywhere near the children...

can you tell sister he is not welcome...he needs to apologise and give his word he will not lay a finger on the children...TBH - i wouldnlt want him in my house

Carmenere · 03/12/2006 13:19

Tell your sister that he is wellcome as you love her but tell her to tell him that if he ever raises a hand to a child in your house again that at best he will have the police to deal with and at worst your husband who is a grown adult and will be able to fight back.

jabberwocky · 03/12/2006 13:19

Have you tjought about simply telling your sister that you do not feel that it is safe for your child(ren) to be around this brute?

tribpot · 03/12/2006 13:21

How will your ds feel about having to face this man again? To be honest, for his sake, I would tell your sis this vile individual is not welcome in your home.

7swansaswimmingup · 03/12/2006 13:23

wouldnt let him in my house why have your xmas aftnoon ruined by the company of a man like that

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 03/12/2006 13:27

What Carmenereee said. Remind your sister of the incident, say he can come but if he so much as lays a finger on any child there you will call the police this time and have him charged.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2006 13:30

Your sister said it was your son's fault for winding him up?!!!. WTF indeed!!!. Your sister needs to realise that there is absolutely NO justification for what her husband did to your child. He was physically violent. I take as read you did not get the police involved three years ago.

It seems like your son is not the only one to be scared of this bullying brute, your sister and their kids seem shit scared of him as well. His children seem also to have had a hard time being ruled by an iron fist.

Do not let him in your house under any circumstances. Your job (amongst many) is to keep your own child safe and that includes protection from abusive family members.

trice · 03/12/2006 13:45

It is not easy, but I think that you need to let your sister know that your BIL is not welcome for christmas. There is going to be a ruck so it is better if you get it over with well before christmas day.

No one is allowed to touch my kids violently. The whole apology thing is a red herring IMO. No apology would be enough.

FestiveFrex · 03/12/2006 13:58

Some years ago, my MIL's partner punched DS1 in the chest. DS1 was 4. MIL claimed it was because her partner was afraid that DS1 would damage his glasses which were hanging on a cord round his neck. Now her partner had been winding DS1 up and getting him all excited, so really it was his own fault that his glasses were in danger.

I was 8.5 months pregnant with DS3 at the time and was so shocked by what I'd seen that I didn't really do or say very much at the time. But that man has never set foot in my house since. DS1 is now nearly 13. MIL, much as she tries to pretend it never happened, knows full well and is very much aware that any invitation to her does not extend to her partner.

Original poster
poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 03/12/2006 14:01

There will be no apology because neither sister or BIL can see that he was in the wrong.

I have painted a rather bad picture of him... On his own, on an adult one to one, he is actually a very nice person. He has suffered from depression and has had a tough time with panic attacks etc. BUT regardless of all that, I still can not trust him near my children.

My other sister doesnt see him either because he hit one of her children too when they were younger.

There would be a massive family fall out if I said he was not welcome and life is too short.. I don't even want to go there. I have no idea why he wants to come along.

I am going to tell DS1 and DD to steer clear of him. He hasnt even met DS2 yet (he is 19 months old) and I will make sure that DS2 isnt left unattended in his company. It is going to make for a very stressful afternoon and if he steps out of line, I know that DH is not going to bite his tongue this time - and I don't blame him either.

OP posts:
SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 03/12/2006 14:04

I would tell your sister in no uncertain terms that BIL is not invited and will not be coming. And if she doesn't like it, she can stay away as well.

colditz · 03/12/2006 14:07

Sorry but what the fuck are you thinking having him in the house? Just Say No. If your sister watched her 'boyfriend' throw a child across the room, and blamed the child, and then had children, she is a sister worth losing tbh.

FestiveFrex · 03/12/2006 14:08

Are your parents aware of what happened? Surely they wouldn't object to you barring someone who physically assaulted your 6yo child? Especially when that person still thinks he did no wrong?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2006 15:09

Hi poppies,

Re your comments:-
"I have painted a rather bad picture of him...

You sure have.

"On his own, on an adult one to one, he is actually a very nice person. He has suffered from depression and has had a tough time with panic attacks etc. BUT regardless of all that, I still can not trust him near my children"

I am SO glad you wrote that last sentence. Lots of people have had poor childhoods, have suffered and are suffering depression and panic attacks - but it is still no excuse for what he did to your son. He is a bully pure and simple and he acted violently towards your son. It is down to him alone to sort out his issues re depression and panic attacks; it seems that almost everyone around him is afraid of him and are thus walking on eggshells.

I did wonder why there was no police involvement previously - a mixture of utter shock, guilt and shame played a role here methinks.

"My other sister doesnt see him either because he hit one of her children too when they were younger".

Am I surprised at this - no. There is a pattern here.

"There would be a massive family fall out if I said he was not welcome and life is too short.. I don't even want to go there. I have no idea why he wants to come along".

To lord it all over you and impose his power and will on you all. These are two possible reasons. If he is truly that unstable he is not worth it. You have every right not to let him into your home regardless of whom he is.

I would have to second the comment made by Greensleeves:-
"I would tell your sister in no uncertain terms that BIL is not invited and will not be coming. And if she doesn't like it, she can stay away as well".

Besides which how would your son (now aged 9) feel about seeing this brute in his own home again. He'd be terrified no doubt. You want to make him afraid in his own home (his santuary), of course you do not. You will if you invite him over and politely chat with him and his wife. You are his Mum and thus one of the two main protectors of him (and his sister) in his life. Be strong here for your childrens' sake. Your childrens safety is far more important that trying to act nice around brutish BIL and his subserviant mousewife for one afternoon.

persephonesnape · 03/12/2006 15:10

either way, you're going to have a lousy Christmas,. if you say that you don't want him around, then there's pre xmas tension and the fall out. if you let him into your house you'll be on edge the whole day, unable to leave him in the room with your own children, worried that someone has too much to drink and starts up...personally i have to echo the sentiments of just about everyone else who has posted and he wouldn't be in the house at all. everyone seems scared of this guy - if your sister has to tell him he isn't invited, what will her fall out be? At least she's a grown woman who should be better able to protect herself than a six year old child.

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 03/12/2006 15:21

how can you let that man into your house after what he has done to your child . What message is that sending to your son . Unbeliveable .