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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

uh-oh I feel trouble brewing...

122 replies

poppiesinalinewithtinsel · 03/12/2006 13:09

At a family do 3 years ago my BIL (my sisters husband) who doesnt 'do' children lost his temper with my DS1 (who was 6 at the time) and picked him up by his throat and threw his across the room. Neither DH or myself witnessed this but found DS1 crying in a corner a few moments later with red marks around his throat By the time we managed to ascertain what had happened BIL had gone.

I telephoned my sister the next day to talk to her about it (I was on the phone for 1 1/2 hours to her) and basically she said that it was DS1's fault because he shouldnt have wound BIL up. WTF!!? I put my view across very plainly and ended up saying that we would have to agree to disagree as I didnt want to fall out with her about it.

We havent seen my BIL since. I have seen my sister. He doesnt normally come to any family do's because he doesnt like being around people.

Anyway, I seem to have landed with hosting Christmas afternoon with the family round my house. I assumed BIL would not come as per usual which is fine by us.

Sister has announced that yes, he will be coming.

DH says he is still waiting for his apology. This could be a very interesting Christmas afternoon.

OP posts:

Kevlarhead · 03/12/2006 21:38

Yeah, you're probably right. Sorry about that, just very wound up by this whole thread.

myrrhthamoo · 03/12/2006 21:40

Read a bit more now. I still wouldn't have him - even if your ds doesn't remember. I don't believe you will enjoy the day with him in the house.

evamum · 03/12/2006 21:43

Kevlarhead -
Sorry, I was a bit harsh as well, I think this one has got everyone on edge...

SherlockLGJ · 03/12/2006 21:47

Ok..............up to now I was thinking not in my house, but whatever floats your boat.

Have just had a totally unrelated conversation with my DS 5 at bed time. Why did you get me those new marker pens Mummy ???????????

Because I love you...........

Oh OK. I thought they were to say sorry for the pen that went down the drain at the Lion and Lamb yard. The pen you and and Aunty C would not let me get out of the drain.

His birthday is in May, he was just rising 3. Two and a half years ago, and he remembers.

So you can bet your bippy your DS remembers.

Protect your child,he needs you.

lou33 · 03/12/2006 23:46

lgj i was just going to say that

my 5 yr old remembers back to when he was 3 no problem

he may just have put it to the back of his mind, but seeing the man again in his own home might freak him out big time

i just wouldnt let him in, i'm sorry

i cant see how any of your relatives could possibly argue with you putting your son over a grown man,and if they do, let them host the celebrations

tigermoth · 04/12/2006 00:17

If you really cannot face a family confrontation about this man, could you somehow cry off the hosting event at your house and find another reason to not go to the family event if it is held somewhere else. I know you will be missing seeing the rest of your family at christmas, but if this man is a bad as you say he is, just backing out of the whole family meet up thing keeps your children at a safe distance from him.

It may well be that other members of your familiy know exactly why you are making excuses - it so it is then their call if they raise the subject.

There is no law saying you must see your family en masse this christmas. See them as and when you want, on your terms, throughout the rest of the year. If you can duck and dodge a bit, you can get this man out of your life this christmas without opening a can of worms.

May not be the option you choose, but it is a possible option, I guess.

sandcastlesforanaussiexmas · 04/12/2006 06:08

OK, firstly my dh never did children (until dd came along) BUT he would never treat a child like this! If he was being wound up by a kid, he would walk away! You BIL had no right!

I don't know if you are likely to get an apology now, tbh.

It is up to you who YOU have in your house. If you are happy to have him there, then fine, but he needs to be aware that there is a line & if he crosses it...OUT!

If you dh wants an apology first & it isn't coming, he has the right to say BIL can't come. I don't think I'd want someone around who has already assulted my child & didn't show any remorse for it!

welliemum · 04/12/2006 06:57

I don't get this. Why is everyone going to tiptoe around, keeping children out of the way etc, so that the bully can have a nice Christmas?

Why???

One of my biggest priorities with my children is to make sure they will always feel safe and respected in their own house.

If someone grabbed my child by the throat and threw them across the room, their only route into my house would be over my dead body.

RubberDuckWithCranberrySauce · 04/12/2006 08:34

Actually my first thought after reading all this is that I wonder if the sister is being hit too - hence why she would defend him without question

I too wouldn't have him in my home, sorry.

MerryChristmasfromQV · 04/12/2006 10:27

I thought that too RubberDuck but didnt want to say.....

anniemac · 04/12/2006 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WhyDooLittleStarsShine · 04/12/2006 11:11

Your poor, poor little boy.

I could never allow a man like that across the threshold of my garden, let alone the door!

What kind of a chistmas is your son going to have? Does he remember it?
How does he feel about it?

I understand you don't want to fall out with your sister about it but this is your son, he needs you to be on his side.

Crackle · 04/12/2006 11:12

Exactly, Anniemac. My very laid back and gentle husband would quite possibly beat the shit out of anyone who grabbed our child by the neck and threw them across the room. Therefore all the rest of the angst doesn't really come in to play. He would never, ever be welcome in our home.

kittylettekissingsanta · 04/12/2006 12:13

I'd tell him, point blank, he is NOT invited, as you dont want such a dangerous man near your children,

i wouldnt give a f**k what he or anyone else in the family thought, or what trouble it caused,

SherlockLGJ · 04/12/2006 16:12

Any decisions yet ??

isolde76 · 04/12/2006 19:05

Ok, having been in a very emotionally and verbally abusive situation with the occasional physical side of things thrown in, I can completely understand why the sister is sticking up for her husband. She is doing so through FEAR, plain and simple. The reality would be too much for her to cope with. Everyone is pandering to him, and I know this because all of my relatives pandered to my ex, even though they were privately horrified at his behaviour. Be strong hon and trust your instincts. He is a bully, and the fact he has not admitted any wrongdoing is a very BAD sine. Extremely bad in fact, as it suggests a lack of empathy for others. It is not merely just depression from what you have said. If he was a decent human being he would be begging forgiveness, but he denies it. That should be the biggest sign to you that he is incapable of change. lots of hugs, and be strong.

isolde76 · 04/12/2006 19:07

Oh dear, that is 'sign' of course. Tsk. 2 glasses of wine at 7pm. :S

Pages · 06/12/2006 21:30

Just posted and lost it. Grrr...

Basically, haven't read the whole thread but I would lose my sister rather than let that man anywhere near my children. Want to cry for your poor DS huddled in a corner after it happened. He trusted you and DH to take care of him by telling you what happened, what will he think if you invite the man who abused him into your home? He may not be able to express it but it will no doubt feel like a betrayal to him, as if his feelings are unimportant compared to your sister and BIL and the family generally.

Your sister is big enough to take care of her own emotions but your DS needs your protection and your love. Your BIL is lucky that you didn't press charges.

MrsGordonRamsay · 06/12/2006 22:58

LGJ here..........

Any news ?

Kevlarhead · 11/12/2006 19:10

bump

prettyfly1 · 12/12/2006 13:18

um i dont wish to sound inflammatory but if anyone, regarldless of their status within my family threw my or anyone elses six year old across a room or grabbed his neck, or hurt him physically for any reason no apology in the world would see him back in my house and i would be very tempted to arrange for someone bigger than him to show him what it feels like to be bullied. Why ruin your childs xmas for the sake of appearing civil. I am sorry but by allowing this you are condoning what he did and i feel you should very nicely tell your sister not to bring him.

meowmix · 12/12/2006 13:31

No way would I let him in my home - a home is the place where you're meant to feel safest, especially as a child. How will your kids feel when told stay away from him, they'll pick up on your nerves about it, and thats assuming that nothing untoward happens. Sorry I wouldn't do it.

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