My mother is so horrible to me :(

[MakeThemEatCake]

Would this be a reason to go no contact with her?

I suffer from horrific migraines, she seems to get very annoyed with me when I have one. Anyway, I agreed to look after my young nephew this afternoon and she said she'd come with me for the first couple of hours to help, because I felt so ill from a migraine today. (Didn't want to let my sister down)

It kept getting worse, I have severe nausea with them, and she was getting more angry towards me the more ill I felt. She said some horrible things:

"YOU want to work with children? The state of you?"
"You've spoilt today now by being like this"
"You're mental"
"You're actually a nightmare to be around"
"I wont ever arrange anything with you again as you cant be reliable"
"You do realise you'll never work with children because of the way you are?"

I started crying and she got even more angry! I had to leave, felt my head was going to explode. I've let my nephew down but wasn't in a fit state to care for him. The head pain has eased a bit now I've taken painkillers but still feel so sick.

I've really had enough of her, she picks on me every time I see her, she doesn't like my son and he refuses to speak to her now. It felt like she kicked me where it would hurt, its my dream to work with children and I have bad depression and anxiety at the moment so her comments crushed me.

Thinking NC now, just needed to express what had happened tbh ,thanks for reading.

Good luck thumbwitches .... the main thing is that you want to do better. Only constructive things can follow from that =)

Thank you Cake, so much of what you and others say is familiar. When I started dating my OH, we would travel back from an evening out and I would be waiting for the critism to begin. What I had said wrong, how I behaved how I was dressed. The critism never came. It took such a long time for me to lose some of the anxiety that you speak of. I had no idea that people did not judge you constantly.

It never really leaves because i am my harshest critic. Going over in my mind whether I said or acted in the right way, even in very ordinary situations.

I really hope that you and all the other posters on here, will get the skills and confidence to resist the bullying.

I'm sorry that I haven't replied properly, I will tomorrow. I've had a few drinks and feeling very pessimistic, my DS is struggling whenever I go out and not sure anything I can say makes him feel ok.

Anyway am trying my hardest! Thanks so much for all your replies and sorry in advance..

Oh dear was very drunk last night, please ignore the previous post, it makes no sense and is totally irrelevant

Florentina, I'm sorry you felt like that for so long. Low self esteem and self doubt are so destructive and make us put boundaries up constantly. I'm gradually realising the legacy my fucked up childhood has left, and desperately trying to fight it and not repeat the same mistakes with my precious son.

Sending lots of love and strength to all the posters who have been kind enough to offer their experiences, give reassurances, and also give me hope that it is possible to recover from the past. Thank you

Love, considering all that is going on in your life, perhaps alcohol is NOT your friend right now. It can cloud your vision and give you ideas/thoughts that you don't need and they can stay with you, even when you are sober.

You need 100% of your strength and clarity to find your way away from your mother.

100% correct, alcohol is not a friend to me at all

I was very very depressed yesterday, and it's much the same today. Having horrible thoughts that I shouldn't have been born and similar . Nevermind, will stop being so self indulgent as its one of my worst qualities.

Who told you it is one of your worst qualities? Oh let me guess. Well I will tell you one of your best qualities. On this thread you have, despite your own problems, been unfailingly kind and generous to other posters.

Sometimes when posting about our own problems on a thread, we too feel like we are being self indulgent. You have always thanked people who post, taking the time to make them feel good about themselves. I do understand why you are so hard on yourself, but from today, how about listing all the good things about yourself.

Kind, generous, willing to listen, trying to do the best for your son.

Don't think of it as being 'self-indulgent'. That's putting yourself down and you don't need to do that. It's also buying in to some of your mother's tactics to keep you thinking of her first.

We're all entitled to feel sad and down. And to worry about whether or not we 'deserve' happiness (Yes, we do!). If you feel that you're doing that 'too much' or if you feel it's affecting your life, then it's time for more counseling. You may want to consider DBT. It's worked absolute wonders for my brother.

Thank you both for your lovely words! I'm so touched, I never think those kinds of nice things about myself. Well florentina, a few people have alluded to the fact that I'm a drama queen and bring all my problems on by myself, but yes DM has told me over and over and over that I'm a bit of a disaster, got a terrible life, negative etc. I think it sinks in after a while.

Across, you're right putting myself down is not needed on top of everything else, I think it's drinking the other night that hasn't helped, which is why I rarely drink anymore. My counsellor can only see me once a week max, only for 50 minutes and it doesn't seem enough. Tbh I usually end up cancelling as I can't afford to get there. I'll see the GP this week and ask if there's anyone else think can be referred to.

Thanks both

Oh and in case anyone is interested, I've spoken to DM a couple of times this week, its been unavoidable (hard to explain), but I've kept it very brief and not talked about anything personal. I def feel more in control regarding that.

Good! Remember that every time you speak to your mother and it's on your terms, that's a victory for you!!

Good idea about the GP. And I don't know if it's a 'thing' in the UK, but here (US) there are increasing numbers of counselors/therapists who do sessions via Skype or FaceTime. I see if that was a possibility as it might save you travel costs. Also look into any local support groups that may be closer for you.

People like your mother 'confuse' you standing up for yourself with you being 'self indulgent '.

You aren't allows to stand up for yourself because that goes against her wishes so you are punished by being told you are selfish.

It's a nasty viscous (sp?) script these narcs have

Thank you both you're very wise and its helped so much reading your posts over the past couple of weeks. I will def look into support groups across, I'm sure there will be something available that will cover at least one of my many issues!... I will keep you posted

I agree Aussie they don't like to hear us sticking up for ourselves. It's probably quite threatening to them. I'm feeling a bit better about this whole situation today, I mean other stuff is crap, but the mum thing I'm feeling more in control of.

Good. Every positive step you take is a step away from those who want to control you and your life.

Completely agree with Aussie and the others - what you're doing is not "self-indulgent" in the slightest, but in your mother's eyes (and anyone else of similar nature), you placing your focus anywhere other than on them makes you "selfish", "self-absorbed", "self-centred", "self-indulgent" - because, y'know, god forbid you actually take any care of your self! Especially not at their expense!

Have you visited the Stately Homes threads on here? If not, they're an excellent support for people in your position - cheaper than therapy, although not a replacement; but certainly somewhere you can vent away in the knowledge that you're among like-experienced people.

Hi thumb, yes I have. Amazing thread, such a lot resonates with me. I haven't posted on it as am hesitant - you will possibly think I'm being silly but I don't feel my situation is as bad as other peoples, I worry that as she didn't physically abuse me (well except once which I still remember like yesterday), that I don't 'qualify' or something?

Even though on the first page it specifies that everyone's problems are equally as important. It's my default setting once again that I'm less worthy than everyone else.

Cake

I would urge you to post on the Stately Homes thread as well; you are not the first person by any means to think that their experience is somehow less valid.

As the initial post states:-

"One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth".

Yes I agree with Attila - your experiences feeling "not that bad" are all part of you being taught to minimise your own feelings. The mental and emotional abuse you suffered is, in some ways, worse than the physical abuse that others suffer - but there is really no "better or worse", everyone's abusive childhood scars them in some way.

And so you are just as "qualified" (sadly) to post there as anyone else. xx

I have found that posting about my feelings and thoughts on MN and been a big part of the healing process and, even at my age, the learning and growing process.

It is hard to talk about it to people because my inner person is always putting thoughts and words into my head.

I wonder if they are thinking,

"Oh not this again, change the record, it really was not that bad, you are exaggerating, lying, fantasising"

Even my OH, who I have known for half a century falls into this category. The sensible me knows he does not think these things. He has witnessed them himself and says that he would have stood up to her or left home. He knows I could not leave as I felt I needed to protect my brother. He was older than me, but she was worse to him. We both married very young and even we cannot speak to each other about it.

When I read posts like yours Cake, and all the others, it is like having a big family of sisters and brothers with a shared childhood. It really does help.

Thanks all x

That's lovely to think of the Stately Homes thread as a safe place, I will keep reading through it and post when read it all. So true that it's about minimising feelings, I do it all the time about everything. I never give my opinions or feelings any weight, I dismiss them usually. I'm expected to.

Florentina - so touching to see you describe the posts on MN as a family! That is just so nice to read :)
Sorry for what you and your OH went through, that sounds horrendous the way he has been treated too. I'm glad that you have each other though and understand what you both have been through.

I'm thinking this is a theme then, the legacy left by toxic families to think you're not quite important enough to tell your thoughts, your experiences weren't quite as bad as someone elses, the effects left on you aren't quite as bad as you think they are...well fortunately, through awareness and like-minded others, we can say that yes they all ARE exactly what we say they are!

*posters not posts.

Sorry, I was not very clear. My OH had a very secure childhood but we met as young teens. He witnessed how she used to treat me was what I meant.

Oh I wasn't sure, I did think you meant that at first but the way I wrote it sounds like I read it as though he'd been treated as you had. I understand now, he's witnessed your mistreatment and it was your older brother who suffered abuse. That's such a lot for you to have taken on, feeling you must protect him no wonder we all feel obligated all the time. I hope your brother managed to deal with the after effects.

MakeThemEatCake I find it is so healing to read your post and the great contributions on it. So much is reaching home for me. I still feel guilty about getting LC with my DM and DF as my DC love them so much and they are better as grandparents than parents. Just hurt to think about them as they were not just that. Supporting you all the way!

Hi mum2mum that's such a lovely post it has honestly made me smile and given me strength! I'm really glad you're taking something from this thread, I'm so touched by everyone who's taken the time to post. It's made me realise this emotional battleground is scarily common. Toxic families are amongst us all, I sound naive but never knew for all these years.

Wishing you strength to stand by your decision to go LC. Remember if they're not with you they're against you, I've learned over the last few weeks that it really is that simple. Its not easy though

Now you are making me smile too! It is like I have been watching a great mind at work. All the best and keep posting!