My mother is so horrible to me :(

[MakeThemEatCake]

Would this be a reason to go no contact with her?

I suffer from horrific migraines, she seems to get very annoyed with me when I have one. Anyway, I agreed to look after my young nephew this afternoon and she said she'd come with me for the first couple of hours to help, because I felt so ill from a migraine today. (Didn't want to let my sister down)

It kept getting worse, I have severe nausea with them, and she was getting more angry towards me the more ill I felt. She said some horrible things:

"YOU want to work with children? The state of you?"
"You've spoilt today now by being like this"
"You're mental"
"You're actually a nightmare to be around"
"I wont ever arrange anything with you again as you cant be reliable"
"You do realise you'll never work with children because of the way you are?"

I started crying and she got even more angry! I had to leave, felt my head was going to explode. I've let my nephew down but wasn't in a fit state to care for him. The head pain has eased a bit now I've taken painkillers but still feel so sick.

I've really had enough of her, she picks on me every time I see her, she doesn't like my son and he refuses to speak to her now. It felt like she kicked me where it would hurt, its my dream to work with children and I have bad depression and anxiety at the moment so her comments crushed me.

Thinking NC now, just needed to express what had happened tbh ,thanks for reading.

Florentina that's a very nice thing to say and made me a bit tearful! You sound like a lovely mum yourself. I'm happy you've got a good relationship with your DC now, of course its a massive worry when you're trying not to repeat cycles. Spot on when you say it teaches us how NOT to parent.

Springdaffs this is what I'm finding all so difficult. I'm torn between being assertive and finally freeing myself from her toxicity, and feeling deeply sorry for her and minimising the things she says. After all, she is very tactless and maybe has a difficult way with words.

I'm quite distressed tonight the anger has turned to panic about never seeing her again and we speak every day so I feel a bit lost. Can anyone tell me if this is usual?

I'm wanting to burst into tears!

Meant to say it feels a bit like grieving.

You are grieving

You are grieving the mother you thought you had and wished you had.

You might find life better now you don't speak to her everyday. The dread before and the sadness after

Yes it is very much like grieving. Something has changed. Some things will never be the same. But things can and will get better.

..she doesn't like my son and he refuses to speak to her now.

This would be enough for me to go NC right there.

Your mother is horrible and you are well rid of her. Get some counseling to help you deal with this, and gather only those who believe in you around you for support.

A bit late to the party but I just want to reiterate that you need to break the FOG cycle - she's never going to accept that she's doing anything wrong, and if I'm perfectly honest, I don't believe she'll actually feel terribly upset about you going no contact - if anything, it will just give her another reason to abuse you, which she seems to enjoy doing, so actually you're kind of doing her a small favour in a very twisted way!

It is awful that she was treated in the same way by her own mother, but you'd think that would be more reason to ensure that she didn't do the same to you - sadly she falls into the category of "pattern copier" rather than "pattern breaker", so she's just perpetuated the misery down the generations.

At least you have broken the pattern, and your DS won't have to put up with any of her twisted shit - I know it's sad that he won't/doesn't know his grandmother, but lots of people don't know theirs because they're either too distant or dead, so I don't think it will damage him. My DH never knew any of his grandparents - all bar one were dead when he was born, and the one who was alive was half a world away and died soon afterwards without ever seeing him. He hasn't felt the loss particularly, except through lack of present-givers!

Stay strong and do what works best for you and your son - and do get some counselling to learn how to deal with your guilt feelings - they're quite wasted, I'm sure.

Thanks aussie and Imbroglio I'm very low tonight and can't relax, I just hope she's ok, she gets very upset and agitated and I know I'll have added to the stress in the past couple of days. I do feel though that it's the only way I'm ever gonna be able to have any genuine self esteem.

Hi across, hope you're well - we chatted a while ago on a thread of mine and you gave me fantastic support.
Well, my DS has known for a long time that she's toxic to him, and made that decision himself. I completely respected him when he said he didn't wish to speak to her again, I realised how important it was for him to be able to assert his own boundaries and not be guilted into denying his feelings.
I'm going to persevere with the counselling and try to work through this.

I remembered something else from when I was a teenager working in a restaurant. My mum and some of her friends came for a meal there and she was thrilled that I'd be serving them. I'd been ill for all of that day, think it was developing into flu, and I physically couldn't do the shift. The boss sent me home. Later, when she got back she went nuts. She said I'd embarrassed and shown her up in front of her friends, that she was counting on me being around. I got shouted at and told I was a let down while I sat shivering and burning up with a v high temperature for the rest of the evening til she went to bed. Not once did she show any concern! That is not healthy or functional is it?!

Thanks thumb your post helps me lots.
Yeah she'll no doubt use this experience to be even nastier about me instead of reflecting on WHY it's come to this. It's ok, I determined to get through it.

DS is close to my dad and his GP on DP side so he won't miss out. In fact he'll be fine not being exposed to her horrible behaviour.

Agh what a nightmare brokenhearted I'm so sorry, you sound so distressed and I'm not even slightly surprised.
They are the fuck ups here not you, just keep repeating that to yourself. They act like this because they can. They make the decision every time they treat you like this to go that far. Therefore it is no accident and not your responsibility to stop them. Sure, we can have behaviours rooted in our subconscious, got to give people that. But they know that SOMETHING they're doing is hurting you and still let themselves do it again.

Its weird, I know all this applies to my situation too yet it's so hard to see clearly when you're in it.

So..is never seeing them again an option? As if so I honestly think you should find a way. Its horrible and cruel that they upset you this much

Hope you get some sleep, be kind to yourself

No don't apologise you gotta vent sometimes! And I like my bed too and was called lazy by DM and GM, they would gang up on me.

You worry about whether or not she is ok... Think of it this way.

Do you think she is worried about you being ok at this moment?

Do you think she was worried about you when you were coming down with a migraine and needed to make your way own way home?

You have been conditioned to put her well being and emotions in front of your own and to the detriment of your own health.

Ah yes! I remember your prior thread. Hope things are better for you in that direction.

I think the advice I gave you there could also somewhat apply here. Picture your life without your mother in it. What would you do with the time you'd have if you no longer spent time listening to her put you down or trying to please her? Picture not cringing when the phone rings because you no longer answer her calls. Picture lovely holidays and birthdays NOT hearing her criticize everything you do!

I know it will be hard. You have been conditioned by her so thoroughly. But that doesn't mean you can't break free. You can, and you WILL.

I re-read the thread this morning.

My observation is that there is WAY too much contact. You speak every day, plus emails and seeing her, then there is the drama of her telling her side of the story to relatives and saying you expect an apology.... and so everyone is caught up in the drama. The kindest thing you can do for BOTH of you is to stop perpetuating this.

If I was you I would not say explicitly that you are cutting/reducing contact or there will be more drama. Just be busy. If she gets upset - observe that she seems upset and query whether this is a good time to have a chat, and if the conversation gets heated tell her you don't think this is going anywhere and you are ending the call. If she asks you to help with nephew again, just say it didn't work out last time so no, thank you.

When the 'flying monkeys' start just be clear that you don't think its helpful to discuss it at the moment. Change the subject.

I also wanted to say that I recognise how distressing this is. My family shit has left me floored on many occasions.

My experience of no contact was very short-lived because my mum was elderly and it was not long before I had to get involved again, but it changed the dynamic in a positive way. I was always the one who made the effort for my mum, and still am, but I think it just made a point at the right time. I wrote her a (kind, but firm) letter because in my case I knew I had to be explicit that I was making a choice to have some space and to make sure that she knew if she was ill I would be there for her.

Cake how old is your DS? It's interesting that he has been able to go NC, but you still speak to your mother daily.

Imbroglio is right, you need to cut those phone calls right down as of now.

My experience of NC was 3 months. I reached the end of my tether with her, politely pulled her up on something trivial and a row ensued where she accused me of 'always going for the jugular'.
I didn't ring her, she didn't ring me and my kids didn't see her in that time. Nor did they ask to. When contact resumed (because it was Xmas) she never mentioned what had happened or referred to my subsequent email politely asking her to stop with the negativity about everyone and everything in my house, especially in front of the children.

I now see her once a week for 20 mins. I do not confide anything in her, I keep it breezy and conversation revolves around the children. All much better but I'm always on my guard and feel stressed before she arrives.

The head wrecking bit is that she's started brings me small gifts almost every week (fruit, knitted things). Peace offerings I suppose, trying to win me back to where we were (which was me sucking up whatever mood age whatever moan she had that day). Makes me feel so guilty that I won't give her what she wants, but is self preservation on my part.

Aussie this is the thing, I don't know if she does worry that I'm ok. She's said for years that she worries about me and I cause her stress when I'm ill or unhappy. So I'd say that yes, she does worry about me but she makes it about her! Iyswim.

Imbroglio that's a good idea, writing a letter. Can I ask how she responded to it? How often are you two in contact now?

Regarding how often we speak, its not always via the phone every single day. We email if we've not chatted, or she'll text me if I've got a Drs appointment (got quite a few health issues), and we see each other twice a week or so. Maybe that is too much, it never used to be that much, in fact I used to be much stronger at keeping a distance when I was in my twenties.

Thanks across and you're quite right, the same applies to the other relationship in my life. The irony is strong - one of DM's biggest concerns is my personal life and me being mistreated, yet she communicates this by being rude and insulting me! I've tried subtly and not so subtly pointing out that supporting me is better when not calling me useless, pathetic and a nightmare to deal with, but she's oblivious.

Hi tinsel he's 12. I don't know why its so much easier for him...it really was though. He's incredibly emotionally intelligent, he simply said "She's not a nice person, I'm not going to be around someone like that so I'm breaking all contact with her and I've lost a nanny but at least she won't be nasty to me anymore".

I think she might feel threatened by him as he sees her for how she is, not sure..just something I thought of today.

She's been in contact today, a text this time, saying she's sorry we've fallen out and she can't stand it. Then saying all she can say is sorry for the things she said.

I replied just saying, thank you for apologising. Maybe I shouldn't have, I'm so crap at this

Perhaps you should have said something like 'thanks for apologising but please leave me alone for the time being, I've had enough of you're criticism. I'll contact you when I'm ready'.
That's great that your son is so aware and has done the right thing. I wonder what sort of message it gives him though that you are still in frequent contact with someone who treats you so badly?
I'm absolutely no expert in this but I wonder if there's some co-dependance at play with your DM relationship too? But I may be talking rubbish!!
Food for thought perhaps for tomorrow.

She sounds very much like my mother who says nasty things and then either totally denies saying it, or minimises it and plays the "im only worried about you/saying it because I care" card.

Ive been NC for six months and it's been the best six months of my life.

I wouldn't shed a tear if she dropped down dead tomorrow.

Oh and my teen dd hated her and went NC with her before I did! Good judge of character.

Tinsel you've got it there, that's what I should've said! I'm not good at assertiveness, if I was advising a friend I'd say her text was an attempt at manipulation and that she'll just do it again in a few weeks. But when its me I'm a sucker :/
As for DS and what it's teaching him, well this is why I've attempted NC about 4 times in the past couple of years, twice this year alone. I always get pressured and guilted back. The flying monkeys don't help. I want to be a good role model for DS so am going to see this through.

Hi Whothefuck, sounds like you've done the right thing, no doubt. Its painful to cut a parent out but its more painful to be abused. So pleased you're happier now.

In your case I wouldn't suggest a letter because

1)you see each other a lot so it might be easier for both of you and the rest of the family if you gently disengage without drawing too much attention to it. No drama! You'll only get hassle.
2) she'll show it to everyone and demand sympathy.

My situation is different because my mum is elderly, has dementia and is vulnerable. Also, I found out that some people in my family had been running me down to my mum for quite some time in order to get her to do what they wanted, and (probably) a bit of jealousy. Once I knew this I got her away from those people sharpish. I am now the family pariah. I don't want people like that in my family but all the same it was very painful and shocking to be shut out.

My mum kept my letter and I have no idea how many people have seen it - perhaps they felt justified in shutting me out knowing that we had had problems. And my letter wasn't ranty or rude - it was just saying I need some space, but would be there if she needed me.

Hello OP I have been pretty much no contact with my mother for about 15 years or so, and only recently really connected that fact to my lack of migraines for the last probably 15 years!! Used to get hideous ones before.

Once I withdrew from my mother I found the balance of power changed dramatically. We ended up with a fairly cordial exchange of emails once or twice a year, Xmas and birthday cards etc. saw her once nearly ten years ago at a party, spent two minutes with her, having not seen her at that time for several years. I thought I'd got it sorted once and for all, a very distant but polite email relationship, and was pleased and a bit smug that I seemed to be the only person able to have a relationship with her, not just on her termsUnfortunately last year she trashed even that (I suppose it was because it wasn't on her terms) and now we have no relationship at all. Sadly this makes things difficult when there are family events to attend and can sometimes mean I let other family members down because I just can't face her now. But at least I don't get migraines any more.

I'm sorry your mum is being so unkind to you and I agree with what others have said about the level of contact being excessive. Perhaps taking a step back or several steps back will help you in your case. Your son sounds very mature and sensible.