My mother is so horrible to me :(

[MakeThemEatCake]

Would this be a reason to go no contact with her?

I suffer from horrific migraines, she seems to get very annoyed with me when I have one. Anyway, I agreed to look after my young nephew this afternoon and she said she'd come with me for the first couple of hours to help, because I felt so ill from a migraine today. (Didn't want to let my sister down)

It kept getting worse, I have severe nausea with them, and she was getting more angry towards me the more ill I felt. She said some horrible things:

"YOU want to work with children? The state of you?"
"You've spoilt today now by being like this"
"You're mental"
"You're actually a nightmare to be around"
"I wont ever arrange anything with you again as you cant be reliable"
"You do realise you'll never work with children because of the way you are?"

I started crying and she got even more angry! I had to leave, felt my head was going to explode. I've let my nephew down but wasn't in a fit state to care for him. The head pain has eased a bit now I've taken painkillers but still feel so sick.

I've really had enough of her, she picks on me every time I see her, she doesn't like my son and he refuses to speak to her now. It felt like she kicked me where it would hurt, its my dream to work with children and I have bad depression and anxiety at the moment so her comments crushed me.

Thinking NC now, just needed to express what had happened tbh ,thanks for reading.

Sorry for typos, on my phone.

Everything said here is great and just wanted to add my experience to let you know that you are not alone and that there is a script.

I was criticised for my weight, my hair, my clothes, my friends, how I did my job, the way I acted, the brush I used to brush my hair with, my relationship with my father, my relationship with my brothers. I was anorexic, I was a pig when I ate, I gave her directions to the place she asked me to direct her to, when I should have know she meant somewhere else.

She blamed Menopause (for 20 years), my father, her father her mother, the times she grew up in, me, my brothers.

There was never an admittance of blame and never an apology.

I am extreme no contact now. I only see her when I happen to be in her town and then only for an hour and a half. My husband is always with me and he leads the conversation and doesn't leave me alone with her ever. I also see her if she is at my brothers houses, but we rather say two words to each other.

She ignored my pregnancy and is now ignoring my son. I admit I am a little sad about that, but it would be way worse for him if she did pay attention to him. Especially as she has a tendency to favour males.

Sometimes I feel sorry for her, but then I remember the above and realise i am better for it. I have a lot of anxiety that I have spent years trying to deal with, luckily quite well and my husband is wonderful with that. I too have had counselling.

I have wonderful friends and a surrogate mother. Dont listen to the 'she means well' brigade. She doesn't mean well. or the 'you only have one mother' nonsense. When that mother is so destructive to your life and self worth, then that argument means nothing.

Start LC, be unavailable, don't answer the phone when she rings. Turn off messenger services so there is no message to reply to. And avoid the Flying Monkeys.

Wow Aussiebean she sounds hard work. Good that you've got a lot of supportive friends and family around you.
Aw that's horrible about how she was with your son and pregnancy. My mum was the same, she refused to look at my scan picture because she said it made her feel sick. She's disliked my son since he was born, and he said recently that he knows she doesn't like him and never has.

Omg I relate to the constant digs at your appearance. I get the same, I'm told I'm way overweight,that I dress like a tramp, that I never wear makeup but when I make the effort to I'm told it looks awful and I look like a clown. Its just so horrible isn't it?

Thanks for sharing your experience, I'm glad you've found a way to cope now

I have just driven to a class and I spent most of it thinking of other examples.

The Thing that will help you is to come to the (correct) conclusion that it is not you, not you as a bad daughter, but her.

Things weren't good for my mum growing up either. She was a girl and therefore ignored by my grandfather. So she sees me, her only daughter, as having the life she should have had. But I am doing it wrong. I have my own thoughts and ideas. How dare I. Here I have all these advantages she never got and I am doing it wrong. So there is jealousy in there as well.

The thing that helped me was when she admitted that I didn't have a good relationship with her but it is because my long dead father told me when I was 11 that 'mum didn't love me'

This is completely made up (she made up a lot of stories in order to keep me in line. Like how my brothers were disgusted with the way I ate like a pig. Complete lie) and it was then I realised that she made up history in order to fit with her sense of reality and so it makes her look good.

It wasn't her but my horrible father. Who btw would go to a family friends and cry while asking their advice on how he could make her happy, because he never seemed to be able to do it.

So I knew then I would never have a loving relationship with her because her reality wasn't mine and wasn't the truth.

So please don't think it is because you aren't a good daughter. You would never have been able to be a good daughter because she would never have allowed you to be.

'So please don't think it is because you aren't a good daughter. You would never have been able to be a good daughter because she would never have allowed you to be.'
This ^ with knobs on!
Cake - it's not you being a bad daughter - - never has been, never will be. You're not hurting her, she CHOOSES to feel hurt, whatever you do. It sounds like it's hard wired into her by her own family dynamic. Poor you - you're getting it from both your DM and your DGM!

Sounds like a 'scapegoat' and 'golden child' dynamic going on with your aunt and uncle - again classic dysfunction.

Aussiebean my DM admitted we didn't have a good relationship a few years ago too but, like yours, immediately deflected blame onto ME by saying that it was because I was a 'distant and aloof child, much like her DSILS' (who she hates). My breakthrough was when a fellow MNetter pointed out that my perceived aloofness was actuall me detaching from her at an early age, self preservation kicking in, because she was so unreliable.

Self preservation is what you need to do now Cake.

'Fear, obligation, guilt - I suffer terribly from all of those. Could fear be in the form of anxiety and disproportionate worrying? As that sums me up.'
^Yes, yes, yes. Fear IS anxiety. You've been constantly criticised all your life. According to your DM (and DGM) you can't do a thing right. So of course you will be worried sick about the next thing you're doing - bound to be wrong, according to your D(G)M, and you will be punished.

In answer to your question in your OP, NC is a reasonable response, is the only response, to this toxic situation.

That kind of gas lighting from your mother could be causing the migraines. Yes, go NC!

It is not true that you cannot ever work with children, either. Obviously, you should take time off if you get a migraine and care for your own needs. Lying down in a dark room is a good idea. But unless they are a daily occurance, it isn't a block to that kind of career at all. That's a lie.

Do go to a doctor to see what is causing the migraines and get some counselling to work through the messages you've recieved about yourself from your mother. That will need some effort on your part to sort out, and once you work through all that, her messages won't affect your esteem in the same way.

Hi Aussibean and tinsel.
Aussie your mother sounds incredibly manipulative, the way she tried to blame your DF for her wrongdoings, its deflection I guess.

I can relate a bit, my own DF left when I was 8, he and my mum are still friends now, as much as you can be friends with her, but he's always said no matter what he did she was NEVER happy, he would have tried to make it work but she always thought the grass was greener etc.

Still, I'm shocked because he gets so wound up by her and yet when I told him yesterday about her cruel behaviour and said I'm going LC he kind of defended her! Said she means well and worries about me, that she's just tactless but deep down cares, that one day I might need her and its a shame to ruin my relationship with my one and only mother. I suspect that he's still in love with her,even now, and can't help taking her side. Is this an example of a 'flying monkey '?

Tinsel, I hear you about the aloofness. To them you were rude, but your unconscious was wary and making you keep a distance to protect yourself. My DS has done this too, she's picked on him since he was a baby, and age 10 he started to act withdrawn around her. She then used this as more ammo to attack him, saying he's miserable, stuck up, doesn't bother with her. It never occurred to her that SHE was the reason he was like this but only with her. She's now missing out on knowing a fantastic young man, and it hurts as she can't do enough for my sisters sons, they really are the 'golden grandchildren'.

Thanks for your kind words, yep its hard having grief from both DM and DGM! I'm basically LC with those grandparents anyway because 'D'GF abused me as a child and again when I was 30. No one knows, at first DM didn't believe me, then it sunk in but she's forbidden me from ever saying anything because it would devastate my GM and she has heart problems and it might kill her which would then be my fault.

I think he abused her too growing up but she won't admit it to me,my dad says she told him years ago.
So, dysfunction is in there plenty.

I mean this in the nicest possible way but I'm glad others can relate to this, everyone I've ever known has such a lovely relationship with their mother and I've never had that. While I'd never ever wish that for anyone, its a comfort to be able to share the despair with people who understand.

Hi peace, that's reassuring to hear and what I suspected really in relation to working with children.

I'll be interested to see if the migraines do stop now! It might be my relationship I'm in too though as there's lots of stress there. I'm hoping to see a neurologist soon.

I've got a counselling appointment Monday, will ask if we can purely focus on what's just happened as I really need to talk about it.

Cake - yes you're DF response is 'flying monkey' and may seem surprising but he is acting out of self preservation - in his mind, you're going to rock the boat by going LC which potentially means more flak from your DM coming his way. Again, not your fault and not a reason for you to change course. He needs to work on his boundaries with your DM - they need to be much much higher, as do yours but you know that already.

Thanks for your observations about aloofness! Your DB sounds lovely too. And yes your DM is missing out big time.

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow.

I have always had a tricky relationship with my mum but I found out recently about some of the family dynamics that lay behind it. Suddenly everything clicked into place.

It sounds like your mum has had a really hard time and really hasn't dealt with it. She sound very frustrated. So while I think reducing contact may well be the best thing for you, do try to be kind to the hurt little girl who is your mother.

That sounds about right Tinsel! DF has already had her on the phone complaining about the 'nightmare' that is their daughter! He wants everyone to get on and be happy, he gets v stressed if there is conflict. Thank you for your kind words, am actually looking forward to the appointment!

Imbroglio I know I feel terrible about upsetting her, and I always think about people as a child when they're being unreasonable to try to understand where they're coming from. As I said in a pp, I don't want to hurt her, so did not reply to the emails with insults or any nastiness.
I'm just not sure how to take care of myself and at the same time be compassionate to her? She certainly doesn't care about me feeling hurt. I guess lots to think about.

Cake this is NOT your fault. You are not the one responsible for her upset.

I think part of healing yourself is holding on to your compassion. That way you have more chance of finding strength and peace.

Easier to say than to do, as I know from my own experience.

Imbroglio absolutely there is a sad and damaged little girl at the heart of all this, in all of our difficult mothers. And yes we feel very sorry for them, as any compassionate person would do.
However, there comes a time when compassion is not enough we have put ourselves first.
Our DM's childhoods does indeed explain their behaviour but it does not EXCUSE it.
Cake has a hurt little girl inside her too, but she is not passing it on to her DC as her DM has done.

We all pass things on to our children, some good, some bad.

Its my belief that the only way to break the cycle is to see the bigger picture. This can bring true relief because you can move on from (for example - not attributing this to the OP or anyone else) 'my mother doesn't love me, therefore I must be unlovable' to something more rounded, eg 'my mother was hurt because of x, and this means that she can behave in a hurtful way. Sometimes this means I need to do xyz to take care of myself that's ok'.

Oh yes,,the don't upset your mother card.

I had this, "She's not well, she is sensitive" even told by one relative when I was 12 "I think she is going to commit suicide". Who says that to a 12'year old?

Also, "the only reason we ever row is because of you. When I am in hospital with a nervous breakdown, you will go into a care home and no one will visit you". That was repeated from when I was 8. I used to sit in my room and sob because I was so worried about her, not about me going into a care home.

MN is the only place I have ever found where other people understand. In real life people think you are exaggerating.

florentina that's awful.

In my family it was widely put about that children were resilient and didn't need any support, whatever awful shite was going on around them.

Florentina I'm so sorry you were treated in that way, awful. Sending healing thoughts your way for all you've been through.

Imbroglio I think i get where you're coming from. Its important not to have bitterness about it all, in fact essential not to in order to move on. I never want to lose the compassionate side of me, couldn't if I tried actually! So I'll always feel sad for DM. I've suggested time and time again that she has therapy, she never fully commits to it.

I can see the other side though, as tinsel says, lots of children of these mothers have their own DC and don't treat them appallingly. Its ok to understand the reasoning behind toxic mothers, but I'm realising that it shouldn't be at the detriment of our happiness.

In all honesty, I'm already feeling extremely guilty. Did I cause the other day? Did I imagine the things she said?
A massive thank you to you for letting me sound off like this!

I'm trying to say you mustn't feel guilty, because its NOT YOU. And its FINE to look after yourself, just as it would have been fine for your mum to look after herself - but she can't. You CAN and you MUST for the sake of yourself and your family.

Oh right ok I see what you mean, think I misunderstood. Thanks Imbroglio, yeah I'm going to work on looking after myself and DS, got to break the cycle. What I don't understand is why if mothering styles are the same then how come the results can be opposite? As in why is my DM nasty and self obsessed and everything is everyone elses fault, but I'm the opposite, apologetic, scared, worry about upsetting everyone.

I was the same, cake, always feeling like I was 'getting it wrong'. My poor self esteem leaked into relationships, work - I was terrified of line management meetings for years because I thought I would be ripped to shreds, and if they praised me I thought there must be a mistake or they were feeling sorry for me.

My brother is the exact opposite and takes no responsibility for anything and thinks he's wonderful.

Same mum and dad. Weird.

MakeThemEatCake. You can break the cycle. Two good things my mother taught me, how not to treat your kids and how not to treat your partner.

My kids are all middle aged now. For years I feared they might not like me when they were adults. I especially worried about my daughter. I tried to be the best mum I could and we have a lovely relationship.

We all take care of each other and respect each other and I never heard them be unkind to the their children or their partners. From reading your posts, it seems your son has a good, strong loving mother.

Imbroglio I absolutely agree that we need to see the rounded picture before we move on. Ironically, I've always felt compassion for my DM and that has shaped our 'relationship'. It's only now I've got my own kids I feel angry with her. Back to front may be?

'My poor self esteem leaked into relationships, work - I was terrified of line management meetings for years because I thought I would be ripped to shreds, and if they praised me I thought there must be a mistake or they were feeling sorry for me.'
God this is where I am at the moment! How have you got over it?

'My brother is the exact opposite and takes no responsibility for anything and thinks he's wonderful.'
Is he the golden child and you're the 'scapegoat' in your family dynamic?

Florentina I feel so sorry for what you've been through but hugely heartened that you have a good relationship with your adult DC now. It all goes to show that love is the answer!

Personal I haven't completely got over it but lets just say that I no longer look to my own family for validation. There are a number of people in my family who are heavily invested in the view that I'm rubbish, for their own reasons. I have only recently discovered this, but when I did a lot of the stuff I went through with my mum finally made sense. And yes that is the dynamic! Sadly Golden Boy is probably the most unhappy person I know. Being favoured is a hidden curse.

do try to be kind to the hurt little girl who is your mother.

Hang on a minute - the first hurt little girl you need to be kind to is YOURSELF.

She, her dysfunction, her cruelty, has forced you to 'feel sorry for her''put her first' your entire life. Time to draw a line under that.

For whatever reason she has severely emotionally abused you all your life. Right, time to nurture the severely hurt and damaged little girl who has been lashed to shreds her whole life. Imo anger is good, anger is important. Dampening it down with 'she couldn't help it' doesn't help imo.

Yy we can see the bigger picture at some point but not till we get there iyswim? It's a process and we don't get to the end goal until we do! Noone has protected you, cake. It's time to protect yourself