Anger management issues

[Floflo10]

Hi, My husband and I been married 9 years fairly happily and we have a full on 7 yr old and a 4 yr old. Over the years when we've argued he has a habit of massively over reacting and swearing at me/out loud a lot. Or called me names if I done something daft (leaving hose pipe filling paddling pool for 9 hrs and leaving on Emersion heater). He will get so cross, not leave me alone, berate me and generally be unreasonably angry with me. He gets angry where he will smash his hands in doors/work tops, yell, shout swear words. He won't quieten down for the kids and will wake them. I hate them hearing shouting and swear words. It's not how I wanted my children brought up.

Last night he went out drinking 3-9pm. Got a taxi home and left the iPad in the taxi. He got in, clocked what he had done and started going mad. I was tired and quietly watching tv. He started shouting every s, f and c word SO loudly. Stomping around the house. Woke my children who were worried about the noise too. Refused to quiten down. He wanted to drive to taxi rank but I hid his keys as he was obviously over the limit. I eventually put on my clothes and went to train station/rank. Drunks were around and I was asking all the taxi drivers if they had dropped him off. I felt really vulnerable so decided to go home. I stopped down the road as I was scared he would shout again or ask for car keys. I made him get a taxi back and then I went back in the house to bed. He eventually came home and i made him sleep on the sofa.
I was shaking and crying telling him to stop yelling. He even went out the front garden and was yelling. I'm so ashamed of him. The neighbors undoubtedly heard him. My point is that he can't control his anger. He has shoved me on the very rare occasion and I don't think he would ever hurt me but I get scared of him being uncontrollable with anger. He has been on a brief stress management course but they obviously didn't help much.
I didn't want to talk to friends as I'm so ashamed of him. I'm really shook up by the whole situation too.
Should I just man up? I've told him how I feel. He feels awful and ashamed. To be honest it's the same thing every time. Regret and upset and then it happens again.
I'm not sure how to get my feeling across to him that this has to change because talking certainly hasn't helped so far.
I'm So sorry for essay. This is my first time on mumsnet in years. I've just hit rock bottom with him this time. I'm just looking for advice really. X

This will be your life, going forward.

My father behaves like this. He ruined my childhood because of it. He ruined my mother's life because of it. She is still with him while her grown children keep their distance because they cannot stand his company. She hardly knows what is going on in her GC's lives because they fear and despise him just like everyone else does.

You have been warned.

Does he shout, rage, thump things and swear at work? At his mother? Around his friends?
If the answer is no, then he doesn't have any problem controlling his anger does he?
That's not an anger problem, it's an abuse one.

And you are the lucky recipient.

No. Not at any one else. Last night was at a situation rather than actually at me. So not directed at me but most likely for my benefit. He wouldn't listen to me or stop it though.

He says he's just sounding off at the situation. Not at me. He's a noise maker and to be honest it really effects me. He doesn't realise that not all people work that way. He thinks if I'm not sounding off then I can't be upset enough but something (eg when I left the hose on). I just go quiet and feel bad. He tries to provoke a reaction from me.

So give up on the notion that he has anger management problems then, because he can evidently control his anger perfectly well in situations where he knows he wouldn't get away with it can't he?

It doesn't matter if he's angry at you or around you, the effect is the same. You feel intmidated, distressed, upset and disturbed by his aggression either way...which I am sure you have told him many times before.
Has he taken any steps to modify his conduct? No.

So...he's abusive. Call it for what it is and think about it in realistic terms rather than something he doesn't mean to do and might be helped with.
He does mean to do it, and he doesn't care how it makes you feel.

What now?

And ask yourself this...why are you less deserving of respect and manners than his colleagues/friends/parents/any other random he doesn't make cower with fear over his revolting behaviour?

Yeah kinda exactly what AnyFucker said with pretty much same end result.

You know how you feel during these rages now multiply it by a 1000 and imagine how your kids feel. I promise they won't just grow up keeping their distance from him if you stay they will distance themselves from you too, trust me on that one

Suffice to say, I hold my mother just as culpable as my father for my childhood

She was a grown adult with a choice

Just like you are. Your kids don't have any choice about whether to live like this.

The thing for me is that it only ever really happens once the kids are in bed. They may or may not hear it at night. Last night they did. It may happen once a month or less but not excessive. The kids mainly suffer their parents not really talking the next couple of days (plus heating words I never want them to hear from their parents). My husband has come home with flowers now. Which I didn't accept. When's he cross with kids he can be over loud and over bearing but nothing so far that I think would of done any damage. He's generally a fantastic dad and great with them.

OK you tell yourself that if it helps, my mum bore the brunt of most of my dads rages still affected us. You don't have to take my word for it

He's not a fantastic dad if he regularly treats the mother of his children to a disgusting display of temper that frightens and intimidates her, while refusing to pipe down for the kids is he?

If he was seriously ashamed of his behaviour beyond trite apologies and flowers, he'd stop wouldn't he? After all, he can control it everywhere else.

No - he's just a common garden self indulgent bully I'm afraid.

You're minimising it now in your OP you were at rock bottom so clearly it is bad enough and often enough

Who looked after your children OP when you took your vile, drunk, overgrown toddler husband to look for his lost toy? His behaviour is horrendous. I am concerned at what you think it's okay for you or your children to put up with.

I know. You're right. His dad was a bully and his mum walked out on his dad once the kids were 18. My parents are still together. My dad could be bullyish too but generally I had a calm quiet house. My dad has been diagnosed with cancer recently and my mum has a heart op before Xmas. Ive been on the edge recently. I'm often thought if I left how would I do it. I didn't go back to work after kids and feel quiet dependent on him. Now my daughter has just started school I'm getting myself ready by talking to contacts and hoping to freelance. i always stand up to him and never take any shit but finding it hard to think about leaving. My kids adore their dad.

He's generally a fantastic dad and great with them

Ah, that ole chestnut

No, he really isn't.

So from telling us you've hit rock bottom and then hearing a few ugly home truths, it's now not that often and he's a fantastic dad.
Way to gloss it over OP. That's fine...it's what most women in your situation do when backed into a corner by the truth. justify it, minimise it, tell themselves it's not that bad.
But how long can you go on being his temper dump for?

My kids were still in bed when I drove out. My son did pear out the curtain. I was worried he would carry on the noise but I also thought it would quieten him down if I did something for him. I didn't want him to drive so I took all the keys with me.

My mum "never took any shit" either but she still ended up on tranquillisers and anti-anxiety meds. Now she is addicted to them. As she is to him.

That's what years of this will do to you.

So was he generally a good dad but you over heard him getting angry at her. How has it affected you? Sorry you've gone though that.

You don't think that being 'over loud and over bearing' with children does any damage yet you quail when your h goes into one and you're ashamed to talk to your friends about him?

It seems to me you need a reality check and you've come to the right place because, as others have said, YOU will be held to account by your dc when they become adults and it's probable that at least one of them will turn out to be just like their father and others will form relationships with men like him who terrorise their families with dsplays of seemingly uncontrollable anger which they never visit on anyone else.

After last night's debacle you are now minimising your h's behaviour to an alarming degree. As it appears you're not willing to make his behaviour a deal-breaker, I suggest that next time he kicks off you call the the police and have him removed from your home as a night in the cells may give him the wake-up call he needs to rein in himself in.

If you don't act to put an end to his tyranny, it's to be hoped your neighbours will..

I can't believe you went out looking for it for him, bugger that, he lost it, he sorts it. Any temper tantrums and he'd have been out the door, if he didn't go quietly I'd have called the police to remove him. Why are you putting up with this shit?

I never thought my dad was a "good" or "bad" dad when I was a kid.

Kids don't do they ? They want to please their parents when they are young. They get confused when daddy isn't "pleased" for no good reason that they can understand. So they appease, they keep looking for approval that doesn't come, they think that everyone's dad treats their mother like an emotional punching bag.

Imagine how that can translate into the kind of relationships they form as impressionable teenagers ?

"The thing for me is that it only ever really happens once the kids are in bed. They may or may not hear it at night".

Sound travels; they hear the raised voices if not all the angry words.

Stop minimising this for your sake now as well as your children's.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. I would really appreciate an answer to that question.

Ask yourself this as well; what do you think they are learning from the two of you about relationships here?.

Look too at the rubbish example his parents set him (as did yours).

What do you want to teach your children about relationships; this frankly awful example of one?. You want to teach them that a bullying male is their norm as well?. You are showing them that currently at least, all this is acceptable to you. You cannot fully protect them from the reality that he is abusing you and they are seeing this as well.

Your children will not say "thanks mum" for staying with someone like this and will be likely to despise you as adults if you were to choose to stay with him. They will call you daft for doing so and your own relationship with them could be ruined, they certainly won't want to visit their parents very often. They will also see you as putting him before them.

And no he is not a fantastic dad either; women in abusive situations tend to write such guff and lies when they themselves can write nothing else positive about their man. As is the case here.

Your children I would argue are actually very quiet and compliant around their dad because they do not want to see him off. They see all too clearly how you are treated and it affects them as well.

You cannot change him but you can certainly change how you react to him.

I agree It was stupid to go out. I shouldn't off done that. I did threaten to call the police, maybe I should have done.