Anger management issues

[Floflo10]

Hi, My husband and I been married 9 years fairly happily and we have a full on 7 yr old and a 4 yr old. Over the years when we've argued he has a habit of massively over reacting and swearing at me/out loud a lot. Or called me names if I done something daft (leaving hose pipe filling paddling pool for 9 hrs and leaving on Emersion heater). He will get so cross, not leave me alone, berate me and generally be unreasonably angry with me. He gets angry where he will smash his hands in doors/work tops, yell, shout swear words. He won't quieten down for the kids and will wake them. I hate them hearing shouting and swear words. It's not how I wanted my children brought up.

Last night he went out drinking 3-9pm. Got a taxi home and left the iPad in the taxi. He got in, clocked what he had done and started going mad. I was tired and quietly watching tv. He started shouting every s, f and c word SO loudly. Stomping around the house. Woke my children who were worried about the noise too. Refused to quiten down. He wanted to drive to taxi rank but I hid his keys as he was obviously over the limit. I eventually put on my clothes and went to train station/rank. Drunks were around and I was asking all the taxi drivers if they had dropped him off. I felt really vulnerable so decided to go home. I stopped down the road as I was scared he would shout again or ask for car keys. I made him get a taxi back and then I went back in the house to bed. He eventually came home and i made him sleep on the sofa.
I was shaking and crying telling him to stop yelling. He even went out the front garden and was yelling. I'm so ashamed of him. The neighbors undoubtedly heard him. My point is that he can't control his anger. He has shoved me on the very rare occasion and I don't think he would ever hurt me but I get scared of him being uncontrollable with anger. He has been on a brief stress management course but they obviously didn't help much.
I didn't want to talk to friends as I'm so ashamed of him. I'm really shook up by the whole situation too.
Should I just man up? I've told him how I feel. He feels awful and ashamed. To be honest it's the same thing every time. Regret and upset and then it happens again.
I'm not sure how to get my feeling across to him that this has to change because talking certainly hasn't helped so far.
I'm So sorry for essay. This is my first time on mumsnet in years. I've just hit rock bottom with him this time. I'm just looking for advice really. X

If he is indeed serious about doing therapy (and FWIW I doubt it very much and will not stick it out for very long) then he should do this whilst being actually apart from you and your children.

He has felt ashamed and awful before and look how long those states lasted. And you still want to believe in him.

And NO he is not a great dad; infact many women in abusive situations write such guff purely because they cannot think of anything positive themselves to write about their man.

No seriously. I can think of lots of great things. He plays lots with the kids, he takes them to school, he puts them to bed, he cooks lovely dinners (occasionally). He encourages them and does clubs with them. All normal happy dad behavior.
He will do the Counselling. I know how much I mean to him. He doesn't need to be apart from us. That would be extremely traumatic for the kids.
I'll post an update once we have both completed some Counselling. Out of all of this I'm not perfect. I can get angry and I can be cow to him. My behaviour can also be changed to not accommodate his behaviour but to help him change. I believe this now. I hope I still believe this in a months time.

good luck

at the d of the day he will either try and change and avoid repeating his dads behaviour, or he wont!

I hope he DOES, and if it doesn't.... you can review this tread again I think you are older and wiser since when you started this!

but OP don't blame yourself and say that you are a cow, I sometimes do the same and it's codswallop.

do I scream repeatedly and loudly
do I scream so loud neighbours can hear
Is he scared of my temper
Do I shout loudly such that kids sit there in silence, looking cowed

No I don't. I get you want to give it a go but dont minimise hios behaviour and worsen yours!

I'm a firm believer in therapy but it takes time and commitment which has to come entirely from him.
Whilst you operate a zero tolerance policy .
my view

Good luck

"He plays lots with the kids, he takes them to school, he puts them to bed, he cooks lovely dinners (occasionally). He encourages them and does clubs with them. All normal happy dad behaviour"

Yes but that is a given anyway. He is doing no more than what is the usual here.

Look at what he is like with you however. He has amongst other behaviours been known to smash his hands in doors and worktops; that is classed as domestic abuse. All the above therefore is cancelled out.