Anger management issues

[Floflo10]

Hi, My husband and I been married 9 years fairly happily and we have a full on 7 yr old and a 4 yr old. Over the years when we've argued he has a habit of massively over reacting and swearing at me/out loud a lot. Or called me names if I done something daft (leaving hose pipe filling paddling pool for 9 hrs and leaving on Emersion heater). He will get so cross, not leave me alone, berate me and generally be unreasonably angry with me. He gets angry where he will smash his hands in doors/work tops, yell, shout swear words. He won't quieten down for the kids and will wake them. I hate them hearing shouting and swear words. It's not how I wanted my children brought up.

Last night he went out drinking 3-9pm. Got a taxi home and left the iPad in the taxi. He got in, clocked what he had done and started going mad. I was tired and quietly watching tv. He started shouting every s, f and c word SO loudly. Stomping around the house. Woke my children who were worried about the noise too. Refused to quiten down. He wanted to drive to taxi rank but I hid his keys as he was obviously over the limit. I eventually put on my clothes and went to train station/rank. Drunks were around and I was asking all the taxi drivers if they had dropped him off. I felt really vulnerable so decided to go home. I stopped down the road as I was scared he would shout again or ask for car keys. I made him get a taxi back and then I went back in the house to bed. He eventually came home and i made him sleep on the sofa.
I was shaking and crying telling him to stop yelling. He even went out the front garden and was yelling. I'm so ashamed of him. The neighbors undoubtedly heard him. My point is that he can't control his anger. He has shoved me on the very rare occasion and I don't think he would ever hurt me but I get scared of him being uncontrollable with anger. He has been on a brief stress management course but they obviously didn't help much.
I didn't want to talk to friends as I'm so ashamed of him. I'm really shook up by the whole situation too.
Should I just man up? I've told him how I feel. He feels awful and ashamed. To be honest it's the same thing every time. Regret and upset and then it happens again.
I'm not sure how to get my feeling across to him that this has to change because talking certainly hasn't helped so far.
I'm So sorry for essay. This is my first time on mumsnet in years. I've just hit rock bottom with him this time. I'm just looking for advice really. X

I would look up the abuse cycle in relationships as well flo because he is following that to the letter. Its a continuous cycle as well.

He does this as well because he can; you and your children are still there and bearing the brunt.

And yes indeed, you should have called the police and had him removed from the family home. Lesson learnt there hopefully.

It will happen again, he will kick off again as sure as night follows day.

Abuse is about power and control; he wants absolute over you and he learnt all this when he was growing up as well. Its thus deeply ingrained within his psyche and such men do not change. Infact they feel entitled to act as they do; they need someone to blame and in your case you are his emotional punchbag. Your children are in turn affected by what they are seeing and hearing at home; its no sanctuary for them.

Would you now consider talking to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247; they are also familiar with this type of abuse scenario and could talk you through options going forward.

My Dad was like this throughout my childhood. He is calmer now (in his mid 70's), but me and my sister can't re-write our childhood. He never hit my Mum, but he punched holes in walls, threw stuff and made verbal threats to hurt her. It was every single weekend (after drink) and it lasted years. It does affect the kids, I'm afraid. Many a night I sat on the landing listening to the endless screaming and noise. I personally could not put up with a Partner like this. Your home is supposed to be your safe haven and a place to be peaceful. I think a real talking to is what's needed. Tell him that he seems unhappy a lot and ask him if he wants to separate. Say that you think that you might want to (even if you don't). Tell him your nerves are in shreds and it's making you ill. This will probably shock him, and hopefully he will try to calm down.

I did try to call them last time but then bottled it. I think they said they call you back and I was worried when and if I could answe the call. It's easier now the kids are at school though. I can be quite an anxious person in general. A worrier. ive always been like it. It has got worse recently though. I get anxious talking to people about myself. I rush and get nervous. I always get my point across better on paper. Well at least I think I may do. Im more of a listener.

i always stand up to him and never take any shit

Of course you do! Last night you lay down and let him shit all over you. You got dressed and ran all over town, making yourself feel vulnerable and at risk just so he would stop yelling cunt where the kids and neighbours could hear.

Your son was well aware of what was going on. You're teaching him to obey bullies - you know that right? Or worse, you're teaching him to be a bully because it gets results.

I didn't grow up thinking my dad was a "bad dad", when you're a kid you don't know any different. He did lots of "good dad" things but generally speaking we lived with a constant knot in our stomachs wondering if he was going to go off on one, we learned to tread on eggshells and of course we rewarded his ego by doting on him left right and center when in a good mood such was our relief that at that moment in time he wasn't scaring the shit out of us.

I think it's important to point out that my dad never hit us or my mum but his behaviour was still very very damaging and tbh it's probably only through reading the relationships board on MN that I've come to make sense of it after 40 years.

I think the saddest thing for me is that at the age of 40 I still get a knott in my stomach when I'm around my dad and his mood is dark and I find myself doing the placating thing I used to do as a child, it make me feel pathetic and it's humiliating really which is why I spend as little time as possible around him.

Any connection between your worsening anxiety and your husband's behaviour, do you think?

I'm not entirely sure. You're right. I say stuff and play it down. I'm not aware I'm doing it at the time. I don't think I've cared enough for myself but now it's potentially damaging the kids a lot more. I just can't have that. I need him to go And speak to a professional. I will call the police next time too.

Thanks for taking the time to respond to me. I talk to a particular friend some times but I feel such a drama queen. This keeps going on, then my dads illness and my mum plus I had a few things to sort with doctors. I don't want to be that draining friend. They are very supportive though.

Same here, CCFM.

OP, do you currently or have you considered using medication to control your anxiety ? It's a slippery slope. My mum relied on them simply to remain in her marriage. She called them her "little helpers". A better solution would have been to remove the decades spent living under the cloud of him

No I don't. I did after my second child. I recognized it. Went on mess and took myself when I thought I was better. I'm just trying to find alternative ways and not give in to it.

On meds rather....

Took myself off them. Sorry must spell check.

You're not a drama queen OP - you are living with a difficult and volatile person - that's where the drama comes from.

There is a fantastic way to remove a massive source of anxiety in your life. It's staring you right in the face.

I think you're right. All the drama comes from him generally. I'm just trying to deal with my family right now. I didn't need this in top of it. My kids can be very dramatic too. Not very calm. Particularly my son. He's not a good emotional role model.

Your son is learning a lot of damaging stuff about relationships here; crap that he could well go onto use in his own relationships in adult life.

You are not a drama queen; the drama comes from your volatile abusive H.
If you were to separate I would argue that you and your children will become a lot happier as a result.

Look at what you yourself learnt about relationships; you went onto choose someone who is probably not a million miles from how your dad
acted when you were a child.

Would you now also consider seeking legal advice re separation?.

Stuff like this goes down the generations as well; you can stop the rot however.

Right now downstairs he's being mr 'fun' dad. Kids having a great time while they eat. I call him Jekyll and Hyde. One minutes he's off on one and then next he's happy. He will say. It's just letting off steam/noise. It's like a roller coaster. I can't stand it.

This is not untypical at all in abusive situations; they play Disney Dad to the kids whilst acting abusively to their wife. Do not ever kid yourself that they are unaffected by the dysfunction they see at home.

You have a choice re him flo, your children do not.

I'm going to give him the option of helping himself first. I think. He needs to save this marriage. I have friends near me that I made since having kids but I'm 80 mins away from my family and old friends. It's so daunting to start on your own.

I'm sorry, love.

My dad was like this. As kids we lapped it up when he chose to be "fun", just so so pleased that he could be nice. Until the next time.

And then, even as a child you realise you've been duped. You feel stupid because you "forgot" how horrible he could be. And slowly you start to resent being expected to respond well to Mr Fun when a few hours ago he was Mr Nasty. And he starts to subtly punish you for it.

I was probably about 9 or 10 when I started to refuse to be "up" just because he was. He made it my fault. I was miserable, I was "superior", I "brought him down".

I was a child who refused to play along.

Please please stop this horrible vortex.

Do it for your son.

"I'm going to give him the option of helping himself first. I think. He needs to save this marriage"

Anger management did not help him because his anger comes from his own childhood and what he saw within it. He saw violence within the home and his mother only left when they were 18 (too late by then).
He is purely angry at you and hates your very being. He does not want your help or support. He acts like this because he can.

He is not interested in helping his own self see that he is doing wrong here. All he cares about is getting his own needs met and he does not care that he is treating you like dirt.

There is really nothing to rescue and or save here, besides which you can never act as either a rescuer or a saviour in any relationship.

It is daunting to start again but you are not the first one to do so and you will not be the last.

My dad used to work rotating shifts I would walk up the road from school with my fingers crossed that he was on the 2pm til 10pm shift as it meant he wouldn't be around until I was in bed. Hated earlies as it meant he would be home by 2pm and a long evening on edge.

He already knows how to manage his anger as you have said he only does this around you. If he couldn't manage his anger he would rage and throw things around at work wouldn't he or when his mates are over?