Money money money

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

I am feeling rather resentful this evening. I have just been given (a not very significant) pay rise at work, and it's got me thinking. I don't work in a particularly well paid profession and it is a demanding all hours of the day sort of job (think in the office by 7am, not home til 6pm type thing). However I do have a inherited property so get some more income from renting it out. My DP works in a fairly menial job and earns less than a third of what I do. As in he is constantly needing to borrow money the week leading up to payday. Now this he does pay back. However, an 'extras' eg drinks, all the food, letting him stay over constantly as he is in the shitty accommodation that comes with his job, etc I am constantly paying, with no return. Seeing as I work extremely hard for my money, and have a rather hefty credit card bill (mainly paying off our flights from the summer holidays - I paid, obviously) and the fact that he just sort of holds up his hands and says I have nothing until x day, etc, and and btw please lend me £100 until I can pay you back, this is really starting to vex me. I really do feel that I am being taken advantage of. We have a good relationship and he is a lovely person, however all the arguments between us are about money, esp when I have had a drink and get annoyed that I am essentially paying for both of us to live. I am getting to the age when I am wanting to settle down, start a family etc, but I just can't see it happening with him due to the financial situation. We went to view a flat the other day, and it struck me that it would be me paying the entire deposit, me bailing him out if he couldn't make the rent.... In fairness to him, he is looking for another job, but he has no formal qualifications that are recognised in the UK (he is from abroad). Am I being silly by letting my resentment over money get in the way?? This was the reason my last relationship ended, as it was very much me spending the lion's share, but this is a whole new kettle of fish. I realise it sounds like he is using me for money, and he's not, but it does seem increasingly that he is taking it for granted that I will foot the bill for everything, from dinner to day to day groceries. And I get upset as I think about how hard I work and how unfair it is. Any advice would be appreciated. (Sorry this has turned out rather long!)

Quite normal - delayed shock.

Can you tell a friend what's happened and ask him/her to come with you to the stables tomorrow? Alternatively, can you ask the police for advice? One advantage of pressing charges would be making it easier to keep him away from you.

I don't even know what to do about the horse situation. All the people who work on the yard live in accommodation there... And therefore they all know each other. I know he will be there tomorrow,and I am worried about the repercussions. ESP as I have a massive bruise over my eyebrow. I just don't want it to affect the fact that my horse is my hobby.

Then ask the police to arrest him and charge him.

You have a text as proof that he assaulted you, he has admitted it and his "you shouldnt have wound me up" wont go down well in court. As part of his bail he wont be allowed near you or to contact you or he will be arrested again and charged with further offences.

That means that whenever you go to the stables (assuming they dont sack him) then he cant be anywhere near you and you can see your horse in peace and safety. It also means that any phone contact, him coming to your home or attempting contact via a third party will not be allowed.

Going ahead with a prosecution will really help protect you from him.

You don't sound like a drama queen at all- you sound as though you are under-reacting, to be honest.

You need to see a medical professional about your injuries, so that they can be treated and documented.

Allowing the police to press charges will help you protect yourself in the long term.

And I hate to say this and really don't want to panic you, but given that you've indicated that this man works at the stables where you keep your horse it would be very prudent to contact the manager of the stables as soon as possible to inform her/him of what's happened so that your horse is kept safe.

I second informing the yard manager.

If he insists on trying to contact you after you have told him not to. Then report this to the police, it is another offence, and needs to be added to his file.

Press charges OP. It's pretty scarey he's blaming you for his actions

Inertia the horse isn't the OP's, I think she just has a particular favourite that she - I want to say rents but that doesn't sound quite right! Even so, I would be somewhat concerned about the horse's wellbeing.

So glad you are out of that relationship. I would be letting the owner of the stables know about this johnny Come lately/ gigolo.

He sounds like he is just on the make. It might save another unsuspecting woman from getting a beating when things don't go his way.

Press charges. He needs to be stopped.

I bet if push comes to shove your mum deep down didn't care much for him either.

You are right, I loan my horse, so she isn't technically mine. Oh god, my friend came round, my mum went ape shit, shouting her head off at him.

Vanilla i hope you are ok. He should NOT be round there Please please call the police.

My friend isn't him so all ok

Oh sorry I misunderstood. How is your head now Did you get it checked out?

It is a horrible feeling when a relationship makes you feel on the emotional and financial minus the whole time ..... In my opinion you should get rid of the joker op since there are better options of men out there waiting in the wings for you.

Keep all texts and messages as evidence for the police or in case you need to get an injunction. Take care x

Thank you all again. Feeling a bit better this morning, and it is a beautiful day. But dreading going up to the yard incase I bump into him. As PP have suggested, I might have a word with the manager but I don't know if that would be a good idea... Obviously personal vs professional life and all that.

If it had been a row or he had cheated on you - obviously telling the manager would be inappropriate. But the fact is he assaulted you, and your face tells its own story.

OP have you posted about him before? The horse on loan situation just sounds familiar.

I don't want to put pressure on you but I do think you should press charges, and you should inform the yard manager that you have done so. Then it's up them to handle it how they want. (In my business they would probably be suspended but dismissal would be an option based on "actions that bring the company into disrepute".) At the very least you need to inform the manager that he shouldn't be allowed access to your horse as you are concerned about reprisals and it is totally inappropriate for him to have any contact with you when you come to the yard to continue doing your totally legal hobby.

Regarding mutual friends: tell the truth, say he hit you so hard that you needed medical attention and it's currently in the hands of the police. Anyone who sides with him is a massive twat who you need out of your life anyway.

I also still think you should get checked out at A&E or the walk in centre.

Yes I have posted about him under a diff user name... Sorry. I had a lovely day, managed to avoid him, and had a great time with my horse (made my mum come with me just in case - she hates horses!) and my friend. Not looking forward to having to go to work tomorrow and trying to explain the massive bruise.... No-one at the stables asked, riding hat covered the worst. And injuries come with the territory....

Are you going to press charges?

You fell off your horse that's how you got the bruise...

Definitely press charges, Vanilla. And let the manager at the stables know that this man assaulted you and you are pressing charges. The manager may sack him at once. It may not be the first time he has either leeched off female customers or attacked them. He's a dangerous person - he thinks that women exist for his benefit and it's fine for him to hurt them when they don't obey him.

Please don't tell people that you fell off your horse. I'm not sure if Twinkle was being serious but I made up a story to explain an assault many years ago and it meant people thought I was lying when I told the truth.

Please tell the truth.
You have nothing to be afraid of here.
This guy has serious issues.
You had problems with him not long ago.
Don't sweep this under the table.
Just be strong here.
Get other people round you for support.