Money money money

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

I am feeling rather resentful this evening. I have just been given (a not very significant) pay rise at work, and it's got me thinking. I don't work in a particularly well paid profession and it is a demanding all hours of the day sort of job (think in the office by 7am, not home til 6pm type thing). However I do have a inherited property so get some more income from renting it out. My DP works in a fairly menial job and earns less than a third of what I do. As in he is constantly needing to borrow money the week leading up to payday. Now this he does pay back. However, an 'extras' eg drinks, all the food, letting him stay over constantly as he is in the shitty accommodation that comes with his job, etc I am constantly paying, with no return. Seeing as I work extremely hard for my money, and have a rather hefty credit card bill (mainly paying off our flights from the summer holidays - I paid, obviously) and the fact that he just sort of holds up his hands and says I have nothing until x day, etc, and and btw please lend me £100 until I can pay you back, this is really starting to vex me. I really do feel that I am being taken advantage of. We have a good relationship and he is a lovely person, however all the arguments between us are about money, esp when I have had a drink and get annoyed that I am essentially paying for both of us to live. I am getting to the age when I am wanting to settle down, start a family etc, but I just can't see it happening with him due to the financial situation. We went to view a flat the other day, and it struck me that it would be me paying the entire deposit, me bailing him out if he couldn't make the rent.... In fairness to him, he is looking for another job, but he has no formal qualifications that are recognised in the UK (he is from abroad). Am I being silly by letting my resentment over money get in the way?? This was the reason my last relationship ended, as it was very much me spending the lion's share, but this is a whole new kettle of fish. I realise it sounds like he is using me for money, and he's not, but it does seem increasingly that he is taking it for granted that I will foot the bill for everything, from dinner to day to day groceries. And I get upset as I think about how hard I work and how unfair it is. Any advice would be appreciated. (Sorry this has turned out rather long!)

Hope you're ok today.

Wow, I hope you're okay Vanilla.

If anyone is borrowing money early into a relationship its usually a sign of entitlement ,in this instance hes not only entitled he physically hit you.

You're within your rights to have him arrested!

It sounds as though you need a medical checkup as a first priority - not being able to see straight is not a good sign.

Wow, I was gonna post about the money thing and whether to stay together....but his actions have take the matter entirely out of your hands, as you can't get over this type of thing. Hope you are ok.

Sorry I haven't updated. Been trying to sleep off the shock. It all feels very surreal, and like it happened to someone else. Just literally can't believe that he is capable of doing something like that. Had a call from the police this afternoon to ask if I want to press charges. I am going to get back to them. Ear is really sore and bruise has come up nicely. Just feel like a bit of a prat really. He has texted today apologising (?!?!?!?) and then telling me it's my fault and I shouldn't have wound him up... The actual nerve. Needless to say, I have deleted and blocked. Thanks for all your support, it is much appreciated.

Glad you are ok ish . Do you have people in RL who can support you over the next few weeks ?

I am confused by the question about you " pressing charges " . Is this how the law works in your country - is assault a civil matter rather than a criminal one ? I'm sure some wise Mners will know

Poor you. What a tosser.
Don't blame yourself for anything, except maybe being too kind. You are not a prat. He is. Big time. Take care.

Apparently it's a criminal matter if there are visible injuries. To be honest, I wasn't really listening (bad I know) but just sort of want to forget it and move on. Yes I have support in RL, but it's just been quite a shock to the system. He is now continuing to text me on Whatsapp. I thought once you had blocked someone that there was no way to contact you???

I don't see why a ripped ear and bruised head are not visible , but what do I know ? Sounds bonkers to me .

Sorry I also don't know about what's app < bit useless here >

But one things I do know is that you are NOT a prat. You are a smart woman because

You listened to your instinct that something was wrong in your relationship

You asked for advice and took it on board

You stood up for yourself

You called the police and didn't minimise what had happened

You didn't think twice about dumping him

These are the actions of an intelligent resourceful woman.

They gave me the link to the cps on domestic violence. So just reading through that now. Would attach a pic of ear and bruise but that would out me massively. I am going to ring my phone provider and see if there is some way to block his number completely as like I said, he is still messaging me on whatsapp. Problem is all our friends are mutual, and obviously he knows where I live, so he would have no problem getting hold of me if he wanted to... This is such a horrible mess.

Don't panic, there will be a way to fix it. Some clever MNer will be along soon and she will know . My DH calls Mn " the font of all knowledge " . Honestly there's nothing they don't know here

This is very true. Another issue is (and I have posted about this before under a different user name), but I unavoidably have to go to his place of work at least 4-5 times a week. But now I really feel that I cant. And that means a large chunk of my life will be over as well. Just feeling completely and utterly rubbish about that.!

He has texted today apologising (?!?!?!?) and then telling me it's my fault and I shouldn't have wound him up

In which cased I'd press charges. You e got an admission of guilt and then him trying to blame you. He needs to know this isn't ok.

I'm guessing he works in a bar / restaurant / gym / club and now that will affect your social life ? That's shit :-(

Is he Whatsapping you or is he texting you? Blocking him on Whatsapp obviously only affects that app. Blocking contact on smartphones.

I'm still concerned you haven't been checked for concussion. He slammed your head into a wall.

Joy - I'm not sure if an apology counts as an admission of guilt

Although I do agree that this man should face charges . I'm sure that vanilla is not the first woman he has assaulted

To be honest I have been asleep all day. Felt all wobbly at about 9am this morning and decided to stay in bed. Thanks tribpot for the link. And no, it's not that he works in a bar/whatever. He works in a place where I have been going for the last five years (way before he turned up) for a rather expensive hobby... And therein lies the link about mutual friends as well, as I spend most of my free time up there...

Can you do your hobby elsewhere? It seems unfair you're having to give up something you enjoy because he is an abusive cunt.

The fact that you have mutual friends doesn't make him any less a criminal.

To be honest I thought it was up to the police/ CPS to press charges these days rather than your decision, but in your shoes I would worry that not pressing charges now would appear to him that you giving him the green light to inflict further violence.

Joy - I'm not sure if an apology counts as an admission of guilt

Him telling in writing it's her fault and she shouldn't have wound him up is the damning bit.

If you got rid of him, you would have more money! Simples!

The fact that he's assaulted a customer might be a way of resolving that particular issue.

I suspect that the reason for your sleepiness is the adrenalin crash after the shock of last night, but it is also a symptom of concussion. You really do need to be checked out.

Very true. Thing is, my horse. I loan her at the stables (that's where we met), and I am not willing to give her up. Have got a bit of a headache, I think from the bruise. I am just going to curl into a small ball this Eve, and let my mum look after me. Sorry again if I sound like a drama queen

Indeed - why should you give her up? I'm saying if you notify them that one of their employees has assaulted a customer, he will get the sack. Then you can visit the stables without fear of seeing him.

Headache is also a reason for concern. Is there a walk-in centre you could visit tomorrow? Pref one attached to an x-ray department.

Ok I have got to the sobbing stage. I don't think I have concussion, but the bruise is going to be rather difficult to explain on Monday. Sposed to be going to see my horse tomorrow but now I don't want to risk bumping into him... I feel really crap