Money money money

[Vanillacheesecakeplease]

I am feeling rather resentful this evening. I have just been given (a not very significant) pay rise at work, and it's got me thinking. I don't work in a particularly well paid profession and it is a demanding all hours of the day sort of job (think in the office by 7am, not home til 6pm type thing). However I do have a inherited property so get some more income from renting it out. My DP works in a fairly menial job and earns less than a third of what I do. As in he is constantly needing to borrow money the week leading up to payday. Now this he does pay back. However, an 'extras' eg drinks, all the food, letting him stay over constantly as he is in the shitty accommodation that comes with his job, etc I am constantly paying, with no return. Seeing as I work extremely hard for my money, and have a rather hefty credit card bill (mainly paying off our flights from the summer holidays - I paid, obviously) and the fact that he just sort of holds up his hands and says I have nothing until x day, etc, and and btw please lend me £100 until I can pay you back, this is really starting to vex me. I really do feel that I am being taken advantage of. We have a good relationship and he is a lovely person, however all the arguments between us are about money, esp when I have had a drink and get annoyed that I am essentially paying for both of us to live. I am getting to the age when I am wanting to settle down, start a family etc, but I just can't see it happening with him due to the financial situation. We went to view a flat the other day, and it struck me that it would be me paying the entire deposit, me bailing him out if he couldn't make the rent.... In fairness to him, he is looking for another job, but he has no formal qualifications that are recognised in the UK (he is from abroad). Am I being silly by letting my resentment over money get in the way?? This was the reason my last relationship ended, as it was very much me spending the lion's share, but this is a whole new kettle of fish. I realise it sounds like he is using me for money, and he's not, but it does seem increasingly that he is taking it for granted that I will foot the bill for everything, from dinner to day to day groceries. And I get upset as I think about how hard I work and how unfair it is. Any advice would be appreciated. (Sorry this has turned out rather long!)

God just read you buy his tobacco dump him now he can pay for his own fags

If the genders were reversed I would say exactly the same thing.

It's fine to help someone out a bit if your earnings are unequal, but within certain limits.

Personally there are set limits beyond which I would not allow someone to fund me. A cinema ticket or a meal out now and then is fine, but a holiday, borrowing regularly, I wouldn't have felt comfortable with that at all.

The fact that it doesn't bother him bothers me.

Sorry I know I am being pathetic. Just if we didn't get on so well, and generally have a happy relationship, generally, then o would let it go. Or if there was a chance that in the future he would return the favour... But it's looking more and more unlikely. We have been together for 10 months... I know, not long in the grand scheme of things

This is a very major thing wrong so it renders the getting on well irrelevant.

It's not just about finances, it's about ethics, boundaries, entitlement.

He sounds very spoilt.

You know, the £100 makes me question his attitude to money as well...
Do you actually know that he doesn't earn much or does he just tell you that? That's about 6 weeks food shopping and I only make easy quick meals too!

Sorry but he is looking for someone to sub his life
Don't let it be you
If you were a millionaire and happy to have him live on your money it would be different, but you sound unhappy and he sounds like he's looking for someone to let him be a stay at home. Fair enough if that's what he wants but don't let it happen by stealth.

But you don't have a happy relationship you have someone expecting you to subsidize their lifestyle he had £50 of you yesterday and today you aren't even confident he can buy you a drink. You can do much better than this

PS I am on a lower than average wage, last two guys I dated were wealthy, I never borrowed a penny from them.

He's taking the piss and making no effort whatsoever to live within his means. Invent a reason for having no money and needing to economise, see how that pans out.

If you are paying for his fags, his food, his booze AND you lent him your Oyster so he hasnt got topay for travel, what exactly is the £50 for, because I dont see anything left that he could possibly need!

He seems to be getting through an awful lot of money whilst not buying any of the day to day essentials or even his own fags and booze........

You're not lending him money, you're just giving it to him. He knows that. Why are you letting yourself be taken for a fool? Of course you get on well, he has to keep you sweet.

Getting on isn't irrelevant. You can get on in all other respects and have major issues with money.

That said it still doesn't mean it's going to work. Money issues in a relationship are major. A relationship is about both people getting there needs met and at the moment yours aren't.

Either you need to have that long discussion about what needs to change or you call it quits.

last two guys I dated were wealthy, I never borrowed a penny from them.
I'm a little cynical about this because it still doesn't result in equitable arrangements. Either he is living to your means in which case he is building up a massive reserve that you won't be able to do. Or he is subsidising somewhere along the line. To my mind some balancing out has to happen. But if you are in a position where you are adding this up the cost to you is too high.

Either way it can be hard with unequal finances

£50 is to 'tide' him over Til weds. And to be fair, like I said, he has always paid me back direct loans. It's just all the extras that are making me resentful. As in he just called me and I told him I was having a glass of fizzy shit wine with my mum to celebrate my pay rise, and he told me it was fine, he would have a pint or two while he was waiting (so that's where my 'tiding him over money' is going. Feel completely not like celebrating now.

Ps I am the kind of person thag feels awful if I borrow so much as a pound off someone and feel totally embarrassed until I have paid them back

It's absolutely crazy that you're paying for his fags and booze.

Stop buying ready meals from waitrose tho, that's ridiculous. It really doesn't take long to make something nice yourself, and really, waitrose?

I think he's taking having a better off girlfriend for granted and this isn't going to work long-term. Please don't get in deeper with him, you'll be back here in a couple of years terrified to leave because he's main carer of your dc. It's not a balanced relationship, you need to be on the same page.

And I know how little he earns as I have seen his cheque who the hell gets paid by cheque these days

10 months isn't that long, I'd end it before you get in deeper and waste more money on him.

Personally I think congruent attitudes to finances is a key aspect of compatibility.

category
It really doesn't take long to make something nice yourself
Please work a 16hr shift for a few days on the bounce and then reassess that statement.

Although I agree you can get cheaper ready meals than Waitrose (obviously). But when you're that tired, you end up just going to wherever's convenient, and grabbing whatever's there. And on your one day off you're so fucking knackered that the last thing you want to do is go shopping in Lidl.

OP, I think you know what you need to do...

I think you know what you need to do. Tbh whilst your bailing him out he hasn't got the motivation to get a better paid job, although trying to get a better paid job has always eluded me too

Like you have any idea what hours I work or have worked in the past, pocket .

How on earth has this thread become derailed with arguments about food choices! Spend your money as and when you choose just don't pick a partners who takes the piss

"tide him over" - for what? Accomm paid for, you seem to be feeding him, lent him your travelcard....

does the accomm include council tax & utilities?

sorry, I just really feel you're being taken for a ride and you should be careful.

Who knows why my choice of dinner is being questioned?! I never said I was buying waitrose ready meals!!!I was, they are yum I guess I am being a twat who is being taken advantage of, and I should probably go away, drink myself silly this eve, then pick myself up off the floor tomorrow and start again. It's difficult. He is here now and has brought me some bubbly stuff... Obviously out of my money.

Toffeelatte - twas I who said this, you seem to have linked it to the OP "last two guys I dated were wealthy, I never borrowed a penny from them"

so that's not the OP.

It was fine for dating, there had to be compromises about where I could afford to go etc but if they were eating at mine - and I got the impression from the OP that they were eating in at her place - then it was all within my budget and they always offered to contribute or did the shopping themselves.

If it had become more serious then a discussion might be needed. But meantime, I couldn't imagine saying "hey, can you sub me £50 to go out?" which is effectively what is happening here. It didn't even enter my head - though now I think about it, one of them might not have batted an eyelid. He did get in a silly situation loaning his brother money for stuff like that though!

I've been the skint one at times in a relationship and you don't suggest a trip to the pub if you can't afford it..

Well I am lost now with regards to the thread. I am tired and hungry, suggested ordering take away, guess who is paying?! Sigh. I bring this on myself, don't i?