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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Money money money

149 replies

Vanillacheesecakeplease · 02/10/2015 18:03

I am feeling rather resentful this evening. I have just been given (a not very significant) pay rise at work, and it's got me thinking. I don't work in a particularly well paid profession and it is a demanding all hours of the day sort of job (think in the office by 7am, not home til 6pm type thing). However I do have a inherited property so get some more income from renting it out. My DP works in a fairly menial job and earns less than a third of what I do. As in he is constantly needing to borrow money the week leading up to payday. Now this he does pay back. However, an 'extras' eg drinks, all the food, letting him stay over constantly as he is in the shitty accommodation that comes with his job, etc I am constantly paying, with no return. Seeing as I work extremely hard for my money, and have a rather hefty credit card bill (mainly paying off our flights from the summer holidays - I paid, obviously) and the fact that he just sort of holds up his hands and says I have nothing until x day, etc, and and btw please lend me £100 until I can pay you back, this is really starting to vex me. I really do feel that I am being taken advantage of. We have a good relationship and he is a lovely person, however all the arguments between us are about money, esp when I have had a drink and get annoyed that I am essentially paying for both of us to live. I am getting to the age when I am wanting to settle down, start a family etc, but I just can't see it happening with him due to the financial situation. We went to view a flat the other day, and it struck me that it would be me paying the entire deposit, me bailing him out if he couldn't make the rent.... In fairness to him, he is looking for another job, but he has no formal qualifications that are recognised in the UK (he is from abroad). Am I being silly by letting my resentment over money get in the way?? This was the reason my last relationship ended, as it was very much me spending the lion's share, but this is a whole new kettle of fish. I realise it sounds like he is using me for money, and he's not, but it does seem increasingly that he is taking it for granted that I will foot the bill for everything, from dinner to day to day groceries. And I get upset as I think about how hard I work and how unfair it is. Any advice would be appreciated. (Sorry this has turned out rather long!)

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 02/10/2015 21:32

OP "I bring this on myself, don't i?"

yup. so I'm out.

lighteningirl · 02/10/2015 21:35

Me too! op you have only yourself to blame you don't deserve any sympathy if you are sitting eating a takeaway you have paid for with this loser

Bogeyface · 02/10/2015 21:40

Yeah, you kind of do.

Look, you have 3 options.

Put up and shut up, accepting that this is how it will always be.

Tell him outright how this makes you feel, how you feel he is taking your for granted and that if things dont change then you dont think your relationship will last. Make it clear that you expect a contribution to food and that you will no longer sub his nicotine addiction. If you do that then one of three things will happen. 1. He understands and makes effort to deal with his spending v income and not taking you as his meal ticket. 2. He says he understands and will make an effort but doesnt. 3. He gets mad, throws all sorts of accusations at you to make it your fault and to make you feel bad so you stop having a go at him and things stay as they are. 4. (yes, I know I said three!) He gets mad and dumps you.

Dump him.

Pick one.

Original poster
Vanillacheesecakeplease · 02/10/2015 21:52

Thanks. He is now shouting at me, and having a go. I've told him to leave. You are all right. I feel kind of flattered (in a massively non existent stealth boast.) I give up.

OP posts:
badtime · 02/10/2015 22:09

OP, given that this was the reason your last relationship ended as well, I think you need to take a serious look at why you seem to end up with men who will do this.

Do you have issues with your self esteem, and think this is all you deserve?
Or is it that they seek you out? Is it obvious that you have poor boundaries and a dislike of confrontation in relation to money?
Were there problems around money in your family background? Or did you hear a lot of criticism of gold-digging women and have gone too far the other way?

FWIW, I earn a lot less than my husband (like about 15% of what he earns), but we actually have very similar attitudes towards money, so we have never had any issues with it. If your partner was trying to live within his means and not taking you for granted, would you feel better about this, even if you did spring for an occasional treat?

category12 · 02/10/2015 22:53

The reason I was questioning your choice to get waitrose ready meals was cos you resent the money you pay out for food. Of itself, buying ready meals from wherever is absolutely fine, but if you're pissed off about the costs then - don't buy them - buy them cheaper (ie not waitrose) - or only buy for yourself.

If he is time rich but cash poor, he could be making you both nice meals... He's not tho. He's "borrowing" money off you to piss down the pub. Hmm

Tomorrow you will both be sober. Probably you will be sorry. But is this the life you want, you worrying about money, and him without a pot to piss in but not really caring?

Londonmummy01 · 02/10/2015 23:30

Vanilla I've heard the expression on hear 'run like the win'! I'm not sure how long you have been together but if it's a least a year already it's unlikely to get any better. I think it's different if you've been with someone a long time and one of you is having financial difficulty then of course you help out. But if it's been like that from the off and they are not making serious headway to changing their situation it's a non runner. Don't let him scupper your future plans.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/10/2015 23:54

He thinks you/women in general are a soft touch and will hand over money in order not to be single. He's smart enough to pile on the guilt trips about how he comes from a poor country and would like to 'better himself' but oh woe, wages are inadequate and he can't get a better job, boohoo.

If he's good-looking, charming and excellent in bed it might be worth keeping him on in the same way that you might keep an expensive pet that gave you pleasure, but you need to be able to accept, happily, that you are paying for the pleasure the pet/man gives you. But given that he's becoming shouty and aggressive when challenged, it's not worth keeping this one: bin and move on.

Original poster
Vanillacheesecakeplease · 03/10/2015 00:02

Ok so I dared to bring it up with him. He tore up a ten pound note in my fave whilst swearing at me, and then smashed my forehead against a wall. Think it is safe to say that he is history... Although now I can't really see straight.

OP posts:
murasaki · 03/10/2015 00:18

Hope you are ok, OP. if you think you might have concussion, call 111 maybe? Sorry he did that, although he did show his true colours.

MissMarpleCat · 03/10/2015 00:21

Get medical assistance and then go to the police and report him. He shouldn't get away with this.
So sorry he hurt you Flowers

Original poster
Vanillacheesecakeplease · 03/10/2015 00:22

I am in shock. I can't believe he just did that to me

OP posts:
tribpot · 03/10/2015 00:25

You need to get medical attention, Vanilla. Tonight if possible.

murasaki · 03/10/2015 00:25

Do call the police. He assaulted you.

A friend of mine refused to do this several times, until it escalated to the point that he punched her in the street, instead of indoors. Bystanders called the paramedics and the police, she was not with it. He's off to court shortly. And not before time.

But as Miss Marple says, medical assistance first.

murasaki · 03/10/2015 00:26

Have you got an urgent care place near by? I'm sure they'll fast track head injuries

Original poster
Vanillacheesecakeplease · 03/10/2015 00:28

Obviously I am ok as I am still posting... He literally grabbed my hair and smacked my head against the wall, then knocked my phone out of my hand.... Still shaking

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 03/10/2015 00:30

Call the police.

Original poster
Vanillacheesecakeplease · 03/10/2015 00:31

I am too embarrassed to go anywhere, I would get a big fat told you so... Am at my mum's, so she is keeping an eye on me.... But seriously, what the actual fuck???? He is clearly insane. There is a massive bruise already on my eyebrow

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 03/10/2015 00:31

Is your mum still with you? Wake her up and tell her what happened. She needs to keep an eye on you.

And call the police.

OutToGetYou · 03/10/2015 00:32

Embarrassed? No.

Sad. OK. But get checked, really, if it's your head it's necessary. Glad your mum is with you.

Call the police though. He'll come back, he'll do it again, or he'll do it to someone else.

murasaki · 03/10/2015 00:33

If you may have concussion, I thnk she's supposed to check on you regularly. (n.b. am not medical professional, so correct me if I'm wrong) but it would be better to go and see some actual medical professionals.

Original poster
Vanillacheesecakeplease · 03/10/2015 00:34

My mum has called 111. They are logging a report. Seriously, I have never been so scared as when he properly went for me this evening :-( pretty much knocked me out. Feeling well woozy

OP posts:
murasaki · 03/10/2015 00:35

And no doctor is going to say 'I told you so'. Nor is anyone else.

murasaki · 03/10/2015 00:36

Well done VanillaMum. I imagine they will come to speak to you at some point (from friend's experience).

but the woozyness isn't good, do get mum to drive you to get checked out, please.

murasaki · 03/10/2015 00:37

Sorry, I read 111 as 101. Do that too.