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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feel like I'm going crazy with suspicion

314 replies

Paranoiacentral · 30/09/2015 15:09

God I feel sick that I'm even writing this. I've name changed as im a regular poster with a memorable name!
Right, sorry I'm shaking , but I've had to work myself up to even post this let alone deal with might or might not be happening.
I'm suspicious about my husband, this kills me to say, he's a good man, a great man, an equal, a fabulously kind, generous, respectful man and a wonderful father. There is no back story, no history of cheating, no violence, no problems. So far, so sickeningly perfect.
BUT, I just can't shake off the feeling that something is going on. Let me give you the sum total of my suspicions so far;
Refuses to answer any calls from a certain work colleague (let's call her Lucy) in front of me. To the point that on two seperate occasions over the past month she has called whilst I have been in the car with him and he has actually answered with the following lines 'before you say anything Lucy let me just say I am in the car with Paranoiacentral'
Last week she called en route to the airport and he answers with 'sorry i couldn't talk before Lucy i was packing the car up with paranoia and the children, who are all here with me now'.....

He came home with a whacking great diamond ring 6 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. I feel horrible using this accusingly but it's so unlike him.

Now this one really will make me seem crazy.....on a few occasions recently he seems to get teary eyed when we are cuddling/kissing, he'll he onto me so tightly and say 'I love you so much' but then makes a gulping sound right after. Like I said crazy, but new for him. And the gulping is odd, like he's lying or afraid.
That's the sum total of my fears, not much I know, but the big concern, my main fear is the 'feeling' I don't know if it's instinct or what but something is different, something has changed and j can't put my finger on what it is. But it's starting to make me act differently in front of him, it's corrosive and its eating away at me. On holiday I couldn't stand to be around him, though I think I hid it well.
Oh god, I don't know what to do and I need your advice.

OP posts:
Cherrybakewells1 · 02/10/2015 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thehypocritesoaf · 02/10/2015 13:24

I didn't mean you, Worzels, but sorry (all) for being snipey anyway.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 02/10/2015 13:36

Hypocrite - it's ok, I think any of us who were on the other thread last night are feeling a bit snipey. It's been a weird old 24hrs on MN.

Cherrybakewells1 · 02/10/2015 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Paranoiacentral · 02/10/2015 13:57

Hi cherrybakewells, I know the name of the game on MN so I'm not offended, I know messages can appear abrupt without meaning to be and of course I understand that not everyone wants to say 'yep, he's definetly having an affair' even though that's what they are thinking, hence all the other scenarios regarding health/work etc.
I'm feeling 2 things. 1 is that I'm going mad, seeing things that aren't there, do I want something to be wrong? Am I trying to create some drama from nothing because my life is too perfect? Etc etc
The second is my fear of talking to him about this, if he says there is nothing going on then what do I do? I don't think these feelings are going to go away because he denies anything is happening. Or what if he says something happened/is happening? I don't think I could cope, which is pathetic, of course I would cope, but then I'm left with the third option of hanging on for more proof and to be honest none are those three are particularly appealing.
I feel all over the place about this.

OP posts:
LucySnow12 · 02/10/2015 14:14

Maybe something did happen at the works do in June. His behaviour since does seems of a guilty conscience.

What would concern me are her recent phone calls and his reaction. You mentioned she will repeatedly ring. That seems very unprofessional and too familiar. Even if she did have some business to discuss, it would be appropriate to wait for your boss to respond at his convenience not to repeatedly phone. Why would she just not leave a voicemail?

This would worry me, that something might be ongoing.

Cherrybakewells1 · 02/10/2015 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 02/10/2015 14:46

You can download software that recovers deleted text messages. But you'd need prolonged access to his phone, which I doubt you'll ever get.

Cherrybakewells1 · 02/10/2015 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlahBlahUsername · 02/10/2015 15:28

I have a Windows phone and my messages go back to early 2014. They don't get automatically deleted. Maybe check to see if his messages to other people stop at two weeks as well? If so, maybe he was just clearing space. But if it's just messages to and from her number which have been deleted then it's entirely possible that there is a reason for that.

AndDeepBreath · 02/10/2015 15:44

... Yep. What cherrybakewells said.

DivorceGoddess · 02/10/2015 16:19

Take some big breaths, meditate and listen to your intuition and ask him... preferably without wine... in the meantime try not to let your mind monkeys start creating stories that you don't know for sure are there ....big hug x

Original poster
Paranoiacentral · 02/10/2015 16:58

He's going out in half an hour so if he doesn't take his phone with him I will check the emails and the older text messages if j can work out how to read them/get to them.

OP posts:
DivorceGoddess · 02/10/2015 17:15

Get, take, buy Rescue Remedy ....

Joysmum · 02/10/2015 17:21

I snooped on my DH. Best thing I ever did as it confirmed I could trust him, even if I couldn't trust myself. I appreciate I'm in the miniority here though. Best of luck.

loveyoutothemoon · 02/10/2015 20:24

Did you look on his phone? As blahblah said messages on that phone don't get automatically deleted. Hope you're ok. Hope the quietness is a good thing.

HappenstanceMarmite · 02/10/2015 22:10

Today 11:05 Paranoiacentral
Worzels, read the full thread.

And here I was thing the "F" in RTFT meant something quite different Grin

Hoping it all turns out well for you OP.

lookingforlight · 03/10/2015 01:00

Wow. Caught up on whole thread.

Ok here's the thing OP. There are two possible outcomes.

  1. he's done nothing wrong (or more to the point, even if confronted he won't admit anything/ you may not find any evidence)
  2. he's been unfaithful (you find evidence/ he confesses)

In each scenario what will you do?? Honestly, what would you do? If he admits to having an involvement with Lucy, is that your marriage over? Or would you want to work at it? It sounds as though you are happy with him and that you love him so I think it is maybe the latter?

You can of course talk to him about it. IMO most people are unlikely to confess to something like this. It would but him on guard (which may be no bad thing) as sometimes warning shots can stop these things in their tracks.
I've worked at companies (including my current one) where men do have ONS with some of the women there on nights away/ conferences. Most of the time the women are single (and younger). Some of these women are attractive, some not so attractive. It doesn't seem to matter. (Go figure). Some guys just seem to like the 'newness' of that encounter. They'd never ever want their wives to find out though and they say it means nothing.

I know it's zero consolation. But seriously not one of these men has ever left their wives and families for the ONS / casual work shags. These encounters mean nothing to the men involved.

I am by no means justifying their actions or making what they do sound ok. It's not. The behaviour is appalling and disgusting. But on the flip side they never want to lose their wives.

rainbowstardrops · 03/10/2015 08:16

Did he leave his phone when he went out OP?
I'm still reluctant to think he's having an affair - you wouldn't leave your unlocked phone lying around while you went out I don't think - but I do think that something happened at that work's do that has changed him.
Good luck Flowers

educationforlife · 03/10/2015 08:18

I know it's zero consolation. But seriously not one of these men has ever left their wives and families for the ONS / casual work shags. These encounters mean nothing to the men involved.
Lucky wives and families???!!! Confused

Greengardenpixie · 03/10/2015 08:45

I know it's zero consolation. But seriously not one of these men has ever left their wives and families for the ONS / casual work shags. These encounters mean nothing to the men involved.

Er..its a break down of trust. You're right, thats zero consolation. It may not mean anything to a man but it means a hell of a lot to the woman involved. Its a quick fuck after all..no harm done Confused

Original poster
Paranoiacentral · 03/10/2015 08:57

Well he went out but took his phone with him. I may or may not get a chance to look over the weekend.
However, I think getting everything out on here has triggered something inside me, I'm going to ask him if something is wrong, I've decided that even knowing the truth has got to be better than living in this 'what's going on' purgatory. I nearly blurted something out in bed last night but decided it wasn't the time or place. I'll of course update you if I confront him.

OP posts:
BojackHorseman · 03/10/2015 09:02

You don't need to 'confront him', just ask him if anything is bothering him.

Original poster
Paranoiacentral · 03/10/2015 09:06

I understand what you're saying bojack but it is a confrontation to me, I'm not just casually enquiring into his wellbeing, I think he's havjng an affair and I damn well want the truth.

OP posts:
M0rven · 03/10/2015 09:18

It's very odd that he needs to warn Lucy not to talk in front of you. I often call colleagues ( about work related matters ) when they are in the car and they can't talk - usually because they have someone from another company or a client in the car with them . This is quite normal in our job.

They would do exactly the same as your DH , they would answer with " Hi Morven , I'm on my way back to the office and I've got Jo Bloggs from Smiths with me . "

If it was a client , I would just ask them to call me later . But if it was their family or partner , I would still talk . Not in detail . I'd say eg " John has called about that report we were waiting for . He says he will chase it with Mary and we should have a response from them by Monday "

So I think his reply to the Lucy calls is very suspicious. He won't even let her say a few words . Very dodgy .