Feel like I'm going crazy with suspicion

[Paranoiacentral]

God I feel sick that I'm even writing this. I've name changed as im a regular poster with a memorable name!
Right, sorry I'm shaking , but I've had to work myself up to even post this let alone deal with might or might not be happening.
I'm suspicious about my husband, this kills me to say, he's a good man, a great man, an equal, a fabulously kind, generous, respectful man and a wonderful father. There is no back story, no history of cheating, no violence, no problems. So far, so sickeningly perfect.
BUT, I just can't shake off the feeling that something is going on. Let me give you the sum total of my suspicions so far;
Refuses to answer any calls from a certain work colleague (let's call her Lucy) in front of me. To the point that on two seperate occasions over the past month she has called whilst I have been in the car with him and he has actually answered with the following lines 'before you say anything Lucy let me just say I am in the car with Paranoiacentral'
Last week she called en route to the airport and he answers with 'sorry i couldn't talk before Lucy i was packing the car up with paranoia and the children, who are all here with me now'.....

He came home with a whacking great diamond ring 6 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. I feel horrible using this accusingly but it's so unlike him.

Now this one really will make me seem crazy.....on a few occasions recently he seems to get teary eyed when we are cuddling/kissing, he'll he onto me so tightly and say 'I love you so much' but then makes a gulping sound right after. Like I said crazy, but new for him. And the gulping is odd, like he's lying or afraid.
That's the sum total of my fears, not much I know, but the big concern, my main fear is the 'feeling' I don't know if it's instinct or what but something is different, something has changed and j can't put my finger on what it is. But it's starting to make me act differently in front of him, it's corrosive and its eating away at me. On holiday I couldn't stand to be around him, though I think I hid it well.
Oh god, I don't know what to do and I need your advice.

I can understand where you are coming from Op....he could just deny then destroy every piece of evidence phone....emails etc, In anticipation of your possible hyper vigilance.

It's a shame you couldn't have another look at the phone as there seems some very tech savvy posters on here who could maybe advise you further with the phone ....emails etc.

Does he have just the one device?

I know it's horrible Op. I've been through similar.

Yes but you have very little evidence if any evidence at all, going in all guns blazing will not help. Particularly if it turns out that he is not having an affair, it could harm your marriage.

Okay, you need a strategy for when you speak to him. I would suggest saying very little and leaving lots of space for him to talk. People generally don't feel comfortable with silence and so try to fill it - what they say during this time can be very revealing!

The other strategy to use is to act as if you know far more than you do. Men nearly always underplay the level of infidelity and will only admit to what you actually know already. So if you act like you know, you are likely to find out more.

I think I would start with 'I want you to tell me about Lucy. I want to see if you have the respect to tell me the truth. I will know if you are lying because I know more than you think'. Then stop talking and watch what he does.

I really do hope there is an explanation for this, other than the obvious, but tbh I do doubt that there is. Be prepared for lies and minimisation and accusations that you were wrong to accuse/doubt him, that it is all in your head etc.

Pretend you have forgotten your own phone when you are out somewhere. Then ask to borrow his to make an urgent call .

Best to do this when you are with others so he can't say no, and it gives you an excuse to go into another room / the loo or outside to make the call. Check his phone and if you find anything incriminating , take photos of the screen on his phone with your phone .

This is so you don't try to remember it all . And in case you need evidence later .

Examples of urgent calls :

I've run out of meds and needs to call the pharmacy / doctor to order more

I ve a doctors / dentists appointment for tomorrow I need to cancel

I've lost a filling and need to make a dentists appointment ASAP

I told my mother I'd call her tonight about X

Jane called when I was at work and I said I'd call her back tonight

Make sure it's not a call that he could offer to make for you eg I need to call Teenage Son to see what time he needs picked up

I'm going to ask him if something is wrong - what a good idea.

I nearly blurted something out in bed last night but decided it wasn't the time or place.

There must have been some kind of conversation when your DH came home with a whacking great diamond ring from the same shop he'd bought your Tiffany engagement ring. There do seem to be quite a few opportunities for talking to him that you have missed.

I'll of course update you if I confront him. Does it have to be a confrontation? Sounds unnecessarily dramatic. But then you know yourself and his character best, OP, so perhaps all this building up of tension between you is what it will take to bring out the truth.

Op thinks dh is having an affair. Posters still trying to convince her that he isn't or telling her that he prob loves her anyway.

Mumsnet is changing.

So the OP is right and it isn't in her head? I'm not afraid to say LTB but the OP has no evidence and so I'm reluctant to insist that he is definitely having an affair.

Cherry, with the best will in the world, I think you are clutching at straws. Do you really think either of those scenarios are more likely than an affair?

I'm not insisting he's having an affair- op thinks he's having an affair.

Ok, maybe it is more helpful to her to hear many reasons that he might not be and she's just paranoid.

Even if it involves ridiculous mental gymnastics?

Actually if feels a bit like op had said she's worried, and everyone's said "well then talk to him and look into it more", rather than "nah you're imagining things".

I like that MN doesn't promptly say LTB in every situation anymore. I don't think there's been a "What, you can't read his messages? That would be a deal breaker for me!" sort of message on the thread yet, which is a welcome first.

Not to say there is or isn't an affair, only one person can work that out here.

So you're saying in the past, if an op said for the very first time in a long and happy relationship she had suspicions about her dh she would have been deluged with advice telling her to ltb?

That's absolutely not true.

What she prob would not have had though is these convoluted rationalisations of her dhs behaviour as though she is nuts.

I do appreciate there are different approaches to everything though. If I feel sick I want to be told to get to the doctor- not that I'm not sick. Others don't want that. So I get that what helps some might not help others.

Talking is great but the op suspects - and I imagine most of us agree with her- that he is highly unlikely to say 'ah yes that, well, Ive been shagging Lucy'. So talking is unlikely to give her any resolution unfortunately.

OP, I'm glad you've decided to talk to him. I know you think of it as a confrontation, but I agree with the advice not to go in all guns blazing.

Good luck, I hope it goes well.

Thing is though Cherry, virtually everyone on the relationships board who has been in this situation tends to say that standard behaviour is to lie their way out of it. Sometimes asking without evidence just leads to them being more careful in future.

Not saying that OP is wrong to talk to him - she really has no choice given that she can't access his phone easily but time and time again you hear of people in long marriages who would never suspect their partner of doing this, suddenly being blindsided at the depth of their betrayal and capacity for lying.

I've done it. Just had an opportunity last night in the kitchen. I was very calm and simply asked 'you have been distracted lately, is there anything you're keeping from me'
He was totally blindsided, asked what I meant, I kept it simple and said 'you seem distracted, nervous, anxious, I know you, and j feel like there is something wrong'
He swore blind there was nothing, promised me, swore on the children's lives, was devastated that I'd been keeping this in, couldn't believe I hadn't spoken up before. He has a new contract at work up for tender and there is a possibility he may lose it so he's been on the phone more/replying to emails all hours etc.
I then asked, while we were being open, about the Lucy calls, he replied straightaway with no hesitation that he doesn't want her talking 'shop' in the car when I'm their because he thinks I hate it, that I hate his work intruding on family life, which is true. He thinks my eyes glaze over when he discusses work and that I'm not interested. He says she would never have knowledge of something over me, I come first in all things,
So, that's it. I believe him, he insists if he's acting strangely again then I must say something straight away. His pain at how I've been feeling and keeping things in was genuine and I feel so much lighter and hopefully can move on now.
Thanks for everyone's advice and help over the past few days x

I'm glad Paranoia. Well done for bringing it up and getting it all out in the open!.

Sorry to be pedantic, OP, n I apologise if I've got this wrong but iirc, one of the reasons ur spidey senses were tingling about Lucy is because DH has no problem talking shop with other colleagues when u r in the car. That still stands so his explanation doesn't quite make sense to me - why is shop talk with Lucy different to shop talk with John, Sarah etc? I don't want to piss on ur chips, ur relief is palpable from that last post n I want that happy ending for u, but if Lucy is still the only one he is protecting u from with the boring shop talk ...... Why ?

Because gold, she has a tendency to drone on, and on and on and on.....
I know several people on this thread are going to like 'yeah right she's kidding herself, of course he's knocking Lucy off' but when your husband of 18 years looks you in the eyes and says 'I'm not having an affair with Lucy' you believe him.
I'm no spring chicken, I've been around the block a few times, I'm not saying this is happily ever after but for me, this is the end of it.

Well done OP for discussing with DH. Glad you've reassured yourself all is ok and hopefully you can now put this behind you.

That's good news OP, did he explain the ring? (Not that he can't buy his wife jewellery obviously)