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Original poster

Feel like I'm going crazy with suspicion

314 replies

Paranoiacentral · 30/09/2015 15:09

God I feel sick that I'm even writing this. I've name changed as im a regular poster with a memorable name!
Right, sorry I'm shaking , but I've had to work myself up to even post this let alone deal with might or might not be happening.
I'm suspicious about my husband, this kills me to say, he's a good man, a great man, an equal, a fabulously kind, generous, respectful man and a wonderful father. There is no back story, no history of cheating, no violence, no problems. So far, so sickeningly perfect.
BUT, I just can't shake off the feeling that something is going on. Let me give you the sum total of my suspicions so far;
Refuses to answer any calls from a certain work colleague (let's call her Lucy) in front of me. To the point that on two seperate occasions over the past month she has called whilst I have been in the car with him and he has actually answered with the following lines 'before you say anything Lucy let me just say I am in the car with Paranoiacentral'
Last week she called en route to the airport and he answers with 'sorry i couldn't talk before Lucy i was packing the car up with paranoia and the children, who are all here with me now'.....

He came home with a whacking great diamond ring 6 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. I feel horrible using this accusingly but it's so unlike him.

Now this one really will make me seem crazy.....on a few occasions recently he seems to get teary eyed when we are cuddling/kissing, he'll he onto me so tightly and say 'I love you so much' but then makes a gulping sound right after. Like I said crazy, but new for him. And the gulping is odd, like he's lying or afraid.
That's the sum total of my fears, not much I know, but the big concern, my main fear is the 'feeling' I don't know if it's instinct or what but something is different, something has changed and j can't put my finger on what it is. But it's starting to make me act differently in front of him, it's corrosive and its eating away at me. On holiday I couldn't stand to be around him, though I think I hid it well.
Oh god, I don't know what to do and I need your advice.

OP posts:
rainbowstardrops · 01/10/2015 14:13

Mmm I'm not convinced he's having an affair. Well, maybe something went too close to the mark with them and he's now full of guilt and remorse. That would explain the expensive show of affection and the tearing up wouldn't it?
You definitely need to Google how to get into his phone or find an opportunity to ask to borrow it. I'm sure you'd know one way or another then.
You could on the other hand mention to him that he seems a bit different lately and ask if anything is wrong???

Ilovetorrentialrain · 01/10/2015 15:43

Freda I don't think they meant that. MBIT has explained and LM I assume means the issue with the OP's husband is health/work related.

AndDeepBreath · 01/10/2015 17:02

Well if it is and this is the level of activity, it sounds like a shit show. I'd thank this thread for warning me Smile

ImperialBlether · 01/10/2015 17:21

I would trust your instincts here. If something feels off, then you'd be mad to ignore those warnings.

One thing I wondered is this - a friend of mine was having an affair with a married man. When he wanted to buy her a gift, he would buy his wife something from the same shop, so that it showed up once on the bank statement. Could this have happened with your ring? He might have justified it to himself by thinking he'd spent more on you anyway. This is what happened with her.

Elvish · 01/10/2015 17:34

Just FYI, I have a Nokia windows phone. Unusually the pass code is 6 digits. I found it hard to think of a 6 digit number code as most pins etc are only 4. Could be a date of birth, if you wanted to give guessing a try...

Jokat · 01/10/2015 18:50

When you are out and about with him, you could say that you forgot your phone at home but that you need to quickly call your friend about something (maybe a school mum who he wouldn't bump into), could you please use his phone. Surely he would then give you the code or at least unlock it for you. Ideally at someone else's house, then you could wander off with the phone and have a quick look at messages etc?

BojackHorseman · 01/10/2015 18:56

If the OP tries guessing the pin then the phone might erase the data if the PIN is entered incorrectly a number of times.

LucySnow12 · 01/10/2015 19:35

I think Imperial's suggestion of checking that jewellery receipt is a good one. You can most certainly find out the cost of your ring - probably online - and check it against the bank statement. It might give you a clearer picture of what, if anything, is going on. If something is, the longer the lies and deception continue, the harder it will be to recover. You deserve honesty and faithfulness.

ivykaty44 · 01/10/2015 19:52

If you want to look at your DPs phone - then just ask if you can look at his phone don't go all secret detective

WorzelsCornyBrows · 01/10/2015 20:22

I do find it odd that you don't know the pin for his phone, but maybe this is normal and my DH are odd because we have access to each other's devices, not for snooping it's just practical.

Greengardenpixie · 01/10/2015 20:42

Could he be worried about other things? Finances etc? Could he be in trouble? I know it seems unlikely after buying you a ring but you really have no actual evidence that he would do this. Maybe he is harbouring some secret but its not necessarily that he is having an affair with this Lucy. In a way you are reacting to his actions and in turn he will be reacting to that and acting oddly to you - it going round in a vicious circle. i would just ask him if something is wrong. The gulping to me suggests he is worried about something. He may love you so much that he feels he can't say the worry incase he loses you. Not necessarily an affair though.

Greengardenpixie · 01/10/2015 20:45

Also, would someone having an affair leave their phone lying around even if it has got a lock on it? I just find that hard to believe. Someone having an affair is more likely to have it with them everywhere.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 01/10/2015 21:17

They would if they had all their notifications switched off and a passcode on it that their partner didn't know.

Greengardenpixie · 01/10/2015 21:19

Would they still really risk it? I think they would still feel the need to have it with them tbh.

MatrixReloaded · 01/10/2015 22:25

Joint finances wont stop you paying for the service of a private detective if that's what you want to do. Next time you go shopping get £20 cash back. Get £15 cash back next time you fill the car up. You get the idea.

Op why don't you simply ask to use his phone next time you go out having left yours at home ? His reaction will speak volumes. Alternatively wipe his screen clear with a babywipe or something similar. When you tilt it a particular way you'll be able to see the numbers (although not the order ).

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 01/10/2015 22:51

Iv been thinking about this. If he is above her in work then maybe they are working on business together that's confidential and that's why he is saying you are there as they are bound by confidentiality laws or something? You said he ignores her calls then answers them after you say, does he ever ignore any other colleagues calls? I find it quite strange that you didn't just say after the calls 'what was that all about then, why did you have to prewarn lucy you are with me before she spoke as if you were worried she'd say something I shouldn't hear?' I'd of certainly just asked my husband.

Also, I can't remember if the kids were also in the car but if they were maybe he was possibly just saying my wife and kids are here to prewarn her because she swears a lot. When someone, a friend or my bil calls my dhs phone and we are in the car we always say straight away, the kids are here so they don't swear or talk about anything inappropriate infront of the kids.

Squishyeyeballs · 01/10/2015 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trickytricky · 02/10/2015 09:50

How are you getting on OP? Have you mentioned anything to your DH yet?

Original poster
Paranoiacentral · 02/10/2015 10:10

An update of sorts. As yesterday was the first of October I flipped the calendar page but it wouldn't fit back on the hook so I tore a few of the previous months off, including June, where I saw written 'works evening' in late June DH went away to a work event, dinner etc and stayed over, with all his colleagues, so several hundred people. Lucy would have been there.
The change in behaviour/instinct/ call it what you will began after this night away, the ring came exactly a month later. I might be reading too much into it but I believe something may have happened then.
Secondly, he went running last night and left his phone, I thought I would try and guess the passcode but it turns out he's left it unlocked, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest but I checked the text messages to/from Lucy and there was nothing incriminating, except she was rather too friendly for my liking. BUT I could only read messages from the last 2 weeks as when j scrolled up to read they just kind of stopped so if anyone has a windows phone and could tell me how to open up older messages I'd be grateful. I want to be able to scroll back to the time of the works event.
So, I'm not really any further on but I'm assuming he'll leave it around again and if so I'll try to look at older messages.

OP posts:
Original poster
Paranoiacentral · 02/10/2015 10:16

Just to answer a few questions.
The children have only been present in the car when she has called once, on 2 occasions it was just him and I so no need to warn her because of language etc.
The ring isn't from a high street shop, it was made by an independent jewellers, the same one who made our wedding rings ironically.
DH line of business isn't anything that would require confidentiality or would mean she couldn't discuss it in from of me.

OP posts:
BojackHorseman · 02/10/2015 10:16

If his text messages are backed up you can view them in his Hotmail/Outlook account under the 'Message History' folder.

JeanSeberg · 02/10/2015 10:28

Or look for his other phone.

thehypocritesoaf · 02/10/2015 10:31

Your intuition is clearly screaming at you...Trust it.

I'd also say that it doesn't have to mean the end of your marriage if he has 'done something', its long term lies/deceit etc that will prove more corrosive - but you know that anyway.

goddessofsmallthings · 02/10/2015 10:34

Even the most honourable among us can succumb to a moment's weakness.

It seems to me that if your dh was or is engaged in a dalliance with this woman his conscience is causing him to rest uneasy and, in the absence of hard evidence, you'll have to wait for, or engineer, one of those 'gulp' moments to ask what's troubling him.

As he may not leave his phone unlocked again, I suggest you continue to covertly observe his use of it in the hope that you can discover the passcode.

Unless he's deleted the lists, the log of dialled calls should show what numbers he's rung and when, and message recipients should show the dates and times of any texts he's sent to her or others, but it may be the case that his email account will prove more revealing.

BramblePie · 02/10/2015 10:38

Last year/year before I used to get an occasional lift home from a colleague. If his wife ever rang whilst we were in the car it answered on Bluetooth so I always heard the conversation. Every single time she rang he would answer "hello - just to let you know im in the car with bramble before you say anything" - I didn't think it weird just he wanted to let his wife know I was there too and could hear what she'd be saying.

I understand this is the opposite way around but it could just be a courteous piece of information.

You could just ask him why he lets her know you're in the car when she calls, as if he doesn't want her to say something in front of you and that it raises your suspicions. I don't see why you can't just ask that?