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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been very very stupid. Now what. OW.

105 replies

msunnymol · 28/09/2015 10:13

Hi. Expecting no sympathy here whatsoever, just some advice.

Having an affair with a guy who was engaged for around 3 years. He eventually finished his gf this summer and said he didn't want to rush straight from one rship to another so give it some time but it will all work out. He didn't tell her about me.

Few months have passed and he's now been a total and utter tw@t to me and ended it with me. Very rude and harsh in his texts to me and now ignoring me.

I am heartbroken. Never expected it to get as far as it did. He told me he loves me but now he says he doesn't know what love it. I feel so upset but now feel terrible for his ex, she expected a future with him so how must she feel.

I know she will hate me and I am in the wrong a million per cent but I know we can both do better (people may say i deserve what has happened to me). He's ruined her life and ruined mine. I don't want him to go running back to her and to his house expecting her to take him back and she be none the wiser. I want to tell her. But it's not her fault. I don't know what to say/do. I am also petrified of upsetting him as i do love him and don't want to cause his misery but I need to put myself first before him for a change.

Simple advice please?

OP posts:
wankerchief · 28/09/2015 10:14

You have absolutely no need to contact her.

rumred · 28/09/2015 10:15

Get some therapy. You need to sort yourself out

SleepyForest · 28/09/2015 10:15

You are planning revenge. Leave the poor woman alone, you have done enough.

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2015 10:17

Why do you want to be with a guy who is "an utter twat to you?". If he treats you badly, dump him - that's the simplest advice I can give you.

Stillunexpected · 28/09/2015 10:17

It's a bit late to suddenly start caring about his ex-fiance! You want to contact her only to make trouble for him, not because you care about her at all. Stay out of it!

DextersMistress · 28/09/2015 10:17

I'm guessing if he hadn't dumped you, you wouldn't be giving her another thought.

Leave her alone.

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2015 10:17

And leave his ex alone - none of your business.

Twinklestein · 28/09/2015 10:17

Although I think telling her is partly coming from a place of revenge, if I were her I'd want to know, irrespective of your motives.

She deserves to know why her engagement didn't end in marriage as she may be blaming herself for her faults, when actually her ex-fiancé is simply a cheat.

She also deserves to be in charge of her sexual health. You may not even be the only other woman he was sleeping with.

Original poster
msunnymol · 28/09/2015 10:19

I don't want to do it for revenge. I want to do it so that she knows what he has been up to if he starts giving her the i miss you story and she lets him back and she has no idea what he has done. It sounds like revenge but it's not. i have no sinister motive in telling her.

OP posts:
spanisharmada · 28/09/2015 10:19

Well, if I was her, I'd want to know.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/09/2015 10:19

Absolutely don't contact her.

You are no better than him, you started an affair with a man who already had a partner. She will blame you equally, if not more, as she clearly had feelings for him and she'll have none for you. You have no defence for what you did.

You only want to contact her now because he's hurt you too, and you want to hurt him back - and there's probably more than a small part of you hoping that if you tell her and she kicks him out, he'll run back to you.

Move on. Have no further contact with him and definitely none with her. Do not start any more relationships until you've assessed what on earth made you consider a relationship with an almost-married man.

He didn't love you, he strung you along, even when he broke up with his fiancé he wasn't interested. It was clearly nothing to do with not rushing from one relationship to another...he had been having multiple relationships for years! You need to look at what made you believe his frankly ludicrous lies.

IDontWannaBrag · 28/09/2015 10:20

Telling her would purely be to get revenge on him. A very selfish thing to do, and ultimately, it won't make you feel any better. You didn't care about her feelings when you were sleeping with her fiancee, so don't pretend that your motivation for telling her now is altruistic. I'm sorry to be harsh - but you know I'm right!

He sounds like a bastard who has probably done you a favour by ending things with him.

The best thing you can do now is to go completely no contact with this guy, try to sort yourself out and move on.

category12 · 28/09/2015 10:21

Maybe she found out and that's why they split up?

AuntieStella · 28/09/2015 10:21

Telling for revenge is always a bad idea.

If you feel someone should know, so they base their life on their true circumstances, it can be the right thing - say perhaps he had lied about being attached, and you tell immediately you discover the truth (and break it off) that could be quite different as it would reflect an ethos of fair dealing.

But you didn't deal fairly towards her, as you knew you were the OW. And as they are not together, leave it alone.

I think the best way to look after yourself now is to sever all contact with both of them, take some time to heal and learn from all this. And then think about going on into a future where you date only available men.

AndDeepBreath · 28/09/2015 10:21

Well you're probably going to tell her anyway based on the posts above.

You're hoping she'll end it and you'll get him back.

Agree to the therapy one.

IDontWannaBrag · 28/09/2015 10:22

Just read your last message, OP. His relationship with her is none of your business. You really need to leave well alone, unless you want to look totally unhinged and spiteful.

category12 · 28/09/2015 10:22

There's no reason to believe a single word he ever said to you, after all.

Original poster
msunnymol · 28/09/2015 10:22

He finished her by saying he wasnt in love with her no more but he said he is keeping her sweet because of the house and he doesn't want to be messed over with it. it has killed me inside. he said he was scared of losing everything and having nothing and he has done it all himself.

OP posts:
Burnet · 28/09/2015 10:23

Do not tell this woman. What are you thinking?

She is nothing to do with you and whether she wants to be with this man or what she thinks about him is none of your business.

Joysmum · 28/09/2015 10:23

I couldn't give a shit about the motive, there's no way I'd want to be tied to a man like that for the best years of my life because those who knew were selfish enough not to tell!

I'd want that info so I could be empower to make my own choices.

StanSmithsChin · 28/09/2015 10:24

Telling her will not help her. She will feel bad enough that they have ended why make her hurt more by telling her he cheated for 3 years.

You are looking for comfort and you think solidarity with this women will give you that. STOP BEING SELFISH. You are yet again only thinking of you.

Put this man behind you, move on and remember this feeling the next time you are tempted to fuck an attached man.

AndDeepBreath · 28/09/2015 10:25

Ooh. Well if this is real he sounds like a lovely catch.

Tell her and grab him for yourself Grin

Scobberlotcher · 28/09/2015 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stillunexpected · 28/09/2015 10:26

I want to do it so that she knows what he has been up to - then why didn't you contact her while he was actually "up to it"? Oh right, because he was doing it with you and it might have upset your "relationship" if you came clean to her then.

Scobberlotcher · 28/09/2015 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.