Been very very stupid. Now what. OW.

[msunnymol]

Hi. Expecting no sympathy here whatsoever, just some advice.

Having an affair with a guy who was engaged for around 3 years. He eventually finished his gf this summer and said he didn't want to rush straight from one rship to another so give it some time but it will all work out. He didn't tell her about me.

Few months have passed and he's now been a total and utter tw@t to me and ended it with me. Very rude and harsh in his texts to me and now ignoring me.

I am heartbroken. Never expected it to get as far as it did. He told me he loves me but now he says he doesn't know what love it. I feel so upset but now feel terrible for his ex, she expected a future with him so how must she feel.

I know she will hate me and I am in the wrong a million per cent but I know we can both do better (people may say i deserve what has happened to me). He's ruined her life and ruined mine. I don't want him to go running back to her and to his house expecting her to take him back and she be none the wiser. I want to tell her. But it's not her fault. I don't know what to say/do. I am also petrified of upsetting him as i do love him and don't want to cause his misery but I need to put myself first before him for a change.

Simple advice please?

Draw a line under this, learn and move on

You owe him nothing. You owe her nothing. Nothing you do can help her and you are likely to hurt her terribly if you tell her. It will seem like the vindictive act of a bitter, rejected lover. As you tell it you were no part of their break up. Might be true. Might not.

The man is not good news. Promise yourself you will keep well clear.

I feel so upset but now feel terrible for his ex

Like fuck you do. you just feel sorry for yourself.

I am also petrified of upsetting him as i do love him

LOLOLOL

Get a grip and move on.

When a man is telling you that he loves you very much and that he feels happier with you than with his other half, it is very difficult to walk away, even if you do feel awful about it - if it feels like 'real love' then this can be very powerful, and you might be hoping that he will sort out his life and decide to stay with you.

You don't have to hate or even dislike the partner of a man in order to be having an affair with him. However it is a case of putting your own feelings before hers which is not a good thing to do and never right, particularly as by default, you are also being lied to and 'cheated on' when a man is seeing two people at the same time.

I think you would be ill advised to tell this poor woman what he has been doing. I think you should focus on your own life. Walk away. Cancel his number, ignore his calls. He clearly does not love you, because he doesn't know what love is. He only cares about himself.

You can be better. Try and think of someone you really respect - would they behave like this? If not then you need to try and act like you think a 'proper' person would act, someone good and kind and wise.

You can move on and be better. Learn from it. Please do not contact this woman, because it will open up a whole can of worms and things will get very complicated and painful for all of you. She will find out by herself eventually.

Anchor speaks a lot of sense here. Liking those posts.

From your point of view:
It was good while it lasted wasn't it but now you're hurting. You say you still love him - so be honest, telling her is hoping she'll block him.
From her point of view:
?
From his point of view:
Me me me me me me me me me.

The worrying thing about your post is not so much the affair, though that is obviously damaging and sad, but that you have not gained the self-awareness you need from it to move on and be a better person. You do not see that what you want to do, enlighten her, is just an extension of what you have been doing before. You are trying to continue the affair by still being powerful and emotionally impactful in his life. Whether that's positively impactful or negatively impactful isn't the point, you are looking to continue the drama and thus the relationship through desperate action.

This has nothing to do with what the GF 'deserves' to know. It may well be that we would all want to know in her position. But look at it it this way, OP. He has already broken off an engagement with her. He may well have cheated with other people as well as you and she know or suspect about that. You have no idea what she does and doesn't know about him. If she were to take him back it would be on her own terms with what she knows or suspects about him. You are not more knowledgable than her. It is very likely he lied to you as much or more than her. You have no special wisdom to impart here. Some people suspect an affair and actively do NOT want to know after the fact, in which case you would be aggressively depriving her of that right.

Add to that the fact that many people don't believe anyway when they're told (I know a wife who received a letter from OW at work and the husband convinced her the the girl had a 'crush' on him and was just trying to 'cause trouble'.) Your motivations look suspect at best.

You need to get to know yourself much better before you can really look at this and what you've done and grow from it. Get some counselling and drop all contact access to this man and his life. The thing that is the hardest to do is almost always the bravest, right way to go with these things. Think about why you find it so hard to leave him and her alone. Then do it. Be free.

I haven't RTFT, but good god woman. You only want her to find out now, because the slimy cunt dumped YOU! You weren't all that fussed about her feelings prior to that, so this makes you nothing but a hypocrite of the highest order.

Sort your self esteem out, and your morals whilst you're at it. Above all, leave her alone. She doesn't need your whimpering to add to her pain.

If you are under 25, add a pinch more sympathy to my post. Otherwise, grow up. Stop. Why on earth would he be texting you harshly unless you were trying to contact him. He doesn't want you. You said yourself you can do better. Move on. You can do it.

Oh pull the other one OP

Where was your concern for her when you were fucking her fiancé?

It's a bit convenient that you suddenly want to show 'concern' now that he's dumped you.

Just learn from it and move on with your life.

we have a lot of mutual friends by the way, if that makes any difference. yes i can cut contact but i will see/hear about him too.

yes i can cut contact but i will see/hear about him too

And?

If you tell her, then you won't have a lot of mutual friends for very long, will you?

And I repeat: unfortunately, a very common response to discovering an infidelity is what has been called "the pick me dance". The cheated-upon person has such a huge knock to the self-esteem that they are less likely to leave, instead trying to prove they were what the cheater really wanted and needed, all along. The cheater may well go with that because he will suddenly have a lot of attention from her and far more sex than they've had in a long time - hysterical bonding. So if you can cope with that, and the fallout for you socially, then by all means, tell her. Just be aware that the outcome may well not be the permanent split you seem to anticipate.

You do not see that what you want to do, enlighten her, is just an extension of what you have been doing before. You are trying to continue the affair by still being powerful and emotionally impactful in his life.

Yep. I'm afraid it sounds as if you would rather any connection, even if he hates you, than accept it is over and walk away.

Be honest - you have no interest whatsoever in her feelings, or you wouldn't have had a relationship with her partner for 3 years without telling her. You chose to have a relationship with someone you knew to be an unfaithful liar and you got exactly what you deserved out of it. You now want him to get what he deserves out of it, too (or, even more stupidly, subconsciously hope it will bring him back to you). My advice is not to bother to pretend you are concerned for her feelings all of a sudden, because it's quite nauseating. Just carry on being self-centred and tell her if you want, without pretending you're doing it for her benefit in any way, as you obviously don't really care about her at all, you are just trying to make your revenge sound more virtuous.

Everything roundabout said.

I've seen and heard this a million times...women saying they must tell his wife/girlfriend/fiancé because they feel so bad for her and that she deserves to know the truth.

It's bollocks.

You want revenge...you want to cause him hassle because of what he's done to you.

Do nothing and move on.

I would want to know if I was her. Obviously I'd prefer to hear it from him but if he wasn't forthcoming, I would still like the truth, especially if I was in danger of taking him back.

The thing I want to ask you is this. If he turned up at your house tomorrow, would you take him back? Are you telling this girl to kill any chance of losing him to her, or iis this just protecting what you perceive to be your best interests?

Either way, if you do tell, do so kindly. None of this is her fault.

. yes i can cut contact but i will see/hear about him too.

So another valuable lesson: don't shit on your own doorstep.

Do what you like. Seems like you're used to that.

ms, you need to really get some perspective and advice. your replies are a little shaming. You sound quite young so I'm going to assume you are and not be too brutal. Firstly, no, you don't have to see them around, you could change your social pattern, group or workplace and you may find you have to in the end, either through discovery or admittance or because of your own feelings. You are not taking responsibility for this as you should. If you are trying to imply that because you will be seeing her you will feel too guilty NOT telling her, that is appallingly disingenuous, as presumably you will have seen her when you were actively cheating with him and felt no such urge to tell.

You need to get to know yourself better and the fact you don't even seem to have cut contact with him is a very very bad sign. He sounds like a prick. Why are you chasing after an infidelitous prick and toying with hurting a woman he hasn't even tried to return to yet. STOP. Drop contact, move on, find other friends, you have already wasted three years of your life. What are you DOING/

You do know he probably never left her at all, don't you? And that him telling you he left her was a delay tactic employed to keep you sweet. Is that not obvious?

Well, he's tired of you now! He'll probably move on to someone else. Meanwhile you have absolutely no business telling his fiance anything, no business at all.

You fucking her fiance was about you, and you telling her about it now is also about you. Nothing you're thinking of doing is selfless here. Give your head a wobble and move on.

Stay out of it....you didn't care what a lying cheating ass hole he was being to the poor woman when he was hanging out the back of you.

Why so worried about her now.

Best not to shite on your own strawberries in future.

Oh yes! Do tell her, she deserves to know!
As you have a lot of mutual friends (who can't be very good friends as they haven't told her about his extra-ciricular shagging) can I suggest Facebook. If you post it direct to her wall it will all be out in the open. This, I promise you, is a good thing, and absolutely nothing can go wrong.
Good luck! And don't forget to report back!

If you have mutual friends and you try stirring, you may find he describes you as deluded, a stalker and troublemaker. He's not going to have any qualms about making everything your fault.