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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Been very very stupid. Now what. OW.

105 replies

msunnymol · 28/09/2015 10:13

Hi. Expecting no sympathy here whatsoever, just some advice.

Having an affair with a guy who was engaged for around 3 years. He eventually finished his gf this summer and said he didn't want to rush straight from one rship to another so give it some time but it will all work out. He didn't tell her about me.

Few months have passed and he's now been a total and utter tw@t to me and ended it with me. Very rude and harsh in his texts to me and now ignoring me.

I am heartbroken. Never expected it to get as far as it did. He told me he loves me but now he says he doesn't know what love it. I feel so upset but now feel terrible for his ex, she expected a future with him so how must she feel.

I know she will hate me and I am in the wrong a million per cent but I know we can both do better (people may say i deserve what has happened to me). He's ruined her life and ruined mine. I don't want him to go running back to her and to his house expecting her to take him back and she be none the wiser. I want to tell her. But it's not her fault. I don't know what to say/do. I am also petrified of upsetting him as i do love him and don't want to cause his misery but I need to put myself first before him for a change.

Simple advice please?

OP posts:

Stillunexpected · 28/09/2015 12:51

So you were carrying on with him while seeing all your mutual friends? Did you actually see/hear about her while you were having your affair? What do you think the outcome is going to be if you tell her - who do you think these mutual friends are going to side with???

AndDeepBreath · 28/09/2015 12:53

Grief

coolaschmoola · 28/09/2015 12:57

He has been a twat to his df from day one - you knew that. Why so surprised he's now being a twat to you? You were a twat as well - you got exactly what you deserve tbh.

version74 · 28/09/2015 12:58

I don't think you want to tell her for revenge. I think you're terrified he'll go back to her and you want to scupper any chance of that happening. It's just as selfish a reason.

Learningtoletgo · 28/09/2015 13:07

You are kidding yourself that you are doing it for noble motives. You want revenge at least be honest about it.

You didn't give a shit about her for 3 years and you still don't. You just want to make sure he doesn't have the option to go back because he didn't want you.

Get your head out of your arse and grow up. Leave the poor woman alone.

Astonway · 28/09/2015 13:07

Learn the lessons and move on...

hellsbellsmelons · 28/09/2015 13:18

OK, I always say to tell the wronged party.
I was cheated on and it was hell knowing that some friends knew before me and chose not to tell me.

But..... This is not that situation.
I would say it's OK for a mutual friend to tell her but not you.
It does sound like revenge and you will come out of it looking like the bitter, twisted OW who's been dumped.
Don't do that to yourself.
You may still love him but please please please move on now.
Take no notice of your friends.
If they want her to know so badly then one of them can tell her.
You don't even know if he is going to try to get back with her.
Leave them both alone and get on with your life.

MamaMary · 28/09/2015 13:19

What if:

She found out about you and dumped him.

Trying to get her back, he 'dumped' you.

(He never intended you to be anything more than 'a bit on the side' so it doesn't bother him).

He's worried about what will happen now with the house etc and is still hoping desperately to win her back.

Even if the above is not true: one thing's for certain: HE'S LYING TO YOU, AND LYING TO HER.

thehypocritesoaf · 28/09/2015 13:22

Three years of screwing her over and you suddenly want to do the right thing by her?

You are terribly transparent!

MatrixReloaded · 28/09/2015 13:33

Look Op, this is nothing to do with your concern for her. It's about you being spiteful. She didn't matter to you then and she doesn't matter to you now.

Wounded pride, loss of ego, low self esteem ect is a consequence of having been the ow or om. It would be much healthier for you if you spend some time working out why you felt it ok to have an affair rather than hurting her. It's not her fault he's treated you badly or kept you a secret.

Sapele · 28/09/2015 13:35

I think realising you have nothing left to lose can make you want to give it all up, and stick it to him, and put him in a position where he will rightly be vilified for what he has done, and you have colluded with so far.

I can relate to that.

However I don't think it is fair on the partner to tell her yourself. that's why I don't think you should do it.

I think hoping she finds out and actually telling her are two different things. One is fine. It will probably mean some fallout for you though. The other is not fine, because it will hurt her even more to hear it from you, and actually it's none of your business any more.

I think you have to let fate take its course with this. Don't be the one to tell her, because that would be awful for her and awful for you too. Enacting vengeful thoughts is not good for your karma, for want of a better word.

lighteningirl · 28/09/2015 13:37

Three years and you have a lot of mutual friends? She may already know. But if she doesn't I think.you will find she has a lot of friends, he has a lot of friends you have very few. Try to gather some dignity and walk away read How to mend a broken heart by Paul McKenna I think and find someone who loves you not you and other women at the same time. Oh and sorry you are in no way doing this for her benefit you are doing it for you and it won't make you feel better.

Scobberlotcher · 28/09/2015 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

spudlike1 · 28/09/2015 13:42

You've be been used ... you are angry .join a kick boxing class ..but don't take revenge

Put the episode behind you, learn some valuable lessons ...move on
You mistreated his partner for 3 years leave her alone

Shutthatdoor · 28/09/2015 13:56

we have a lot of mutual friends by the way, if that makes any difference. yes i can cut contact but i will see/hear about him too.

I doubt you will still have mutual friends if they find out.

You were having an affair with someone for YEARS whilst they were with someone else.

Sorry, but I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

Fratelli · 28/09/2015 14:02

You only want to tell her to hurt her and ensure she doesn't have him back because you want him back. The only reason you have this new found empathy for her is because you feel hurt. Now you want her to feel hurt. You also can't be sure she didn't dump him.
You do deserve it, she doesn't. He'll get his comeuppance too. I've said it before and I'll say it again, karma is a bitch!

MatrixReloaded · 28/09/2015 14:04

I really don't think you've thought it through.

How do you think she's going to react when you announce you have been fucking her fiance ? Do you think that she's going to thank you, and you and her will join forces and compare notes ? I don't mean to be unkind, but to her you are a potential source of infection. She will want to ensure she hasn't picked anything up from you which means intimate examinations , blood tests , and weeks of worry. When you do that to somebody, when you make them feel dirty and you've risked their health, they DONT feel kindly towards you.

As the innocent party she will be supported. Her friends and family will be VERY angry at you. It won't be forgotten.

Your angry because you've been rejected. He had a public sanctioned relationship with his fiance. You've been kept as a secret and even now that he is single he doesn't want you. That must sting, but telling her won't make it sting less.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/09/2015 14:05

msunnymol - where was your concern for this poor woman when you were having sex with her fiance?

I'm sorry, but I cannot see that you have any kind or decent motives behind wanting to tell her about his affair with you.

Fratelli · 28/09/2015 14:10

at only1 "don't shite on your own strawberries" never heard that before but I love it!

Greengardenpixie · 28/09/2015 14:15

You want to do this for yourself.
This is nothing to do with her or feeling you want her to know from any guilt perspective or wanting to do the right thing. You are miffed with the way things have turned out.You want to punish him through her. You are also afraid that he will go back to her and that will be that with your relationship. I get it.
Either way, you wont have him back. If you tell her, he will be furious at you and that will be the end of it for sure so be careful, there will be no way back. I would wait and see personally.

Jasper15 · 28/09/2015 14:19

This guy has lied to her and used you -albeit knowingly on your part. Whilst everyone has made a mistake at some point he has messed with BOTH of you.
If I were you I would be glad to be rid of him. If you tell the other woman you will be playing right into his hands and wasting even more time with this hopeless case.
I know someone who was in exactly the same situation as you . The guy went on to a third woman and mucked up thereas well. Good riddance

AnotherGirlsParadise · 28/09/2015 14:24

I'm continually astounded by your sheer fucking hubris, OP, just from rereading your posts.

I'm sincerely glad I have no 'friends' like you. Your fuckbuddy's (for that's all he is, let's be honest) fiancee is well rid of him. He's a prize shit, and so are you.

Hope that flameproof suit is holding up.

Snoopadoop · 28/09/2015 14:24

Grow up OP. You do not feel any remorse for his fiancé (ex-fiancé) at all. You kept this up for 3 years. You had plenty of opportunity to do the right thing in that time. You also, despite having shared friends, have managed to keep this quiet for his long, there is no reason for it to come out now. You have been dumped, it hurts, I personally feel you deserve to be hurt in this way. You want revenge. Don't fool yourself, you want revenge, you don't suddenly feel guilty and want to tell all out of the goodness of your own heart.

Move on. Leave the fiancé (ex fiance) out of it.

Isetan · 28/09/2015 16:39

he doesnt deserve to go back to her

Despite your protestations, this is your motivation. It appears the lies you've told yourself to become the OW, are still being told to justify you putting her straight dropping him in it. Self righteousness is not a look you can pull off right now.

Use your anger as a catalyst for improving your life, as opposed to crapping on his Ex's life, again.

Psycobabble · 28/09/2015 16:42

I wouldn't worry about his ex sounds like she's well rid !

What do you mean by now what?

Well, you move on as that's all you can do

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