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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Been very very stupid. Now what. OW.

105 replies

msunnymol · 28/09/2015 10:13

Hi. Expecting no sympathy here whatsoever, just some advice.

Having an affair with a guy who was engaged for around 3 years. He eventually finished his gf this summer and said he didn't want to rush straight from one rship to another so give it some time but it will all work out. He didn't tell her about me.

Few months have passed and he's now been a total and utter tw@t to me and ended it with me. Very rude and harsh in his texts to me and now ignoring me.

I am heartbroken. Never expected it to get as far as it did. He told me he loves me but now he says he doesn't know what love it. I feel so upset but now feel terrible for his ex, she expected a future with him so how must she feel.

I know she will hate me and I am in the wrong a million per cent but I know we can both do better (people may say i deserve what has happened to me). He's ruined her life and ruined mine. I don't want him to go running back to her and to his house expecting her to take him back and she be none the wiser. I want to tell her. But it's not her fault. I don't know what to say/do. I am also petrified of upsetting him as i do love him and don't want to cause his misery but I need to put myself first before him for a change.

Simple advice please?

OP posts:
ifiwereuidhatemetoo · 28/09/2015 10:29

I would tell her. I don't really understand why everyone thinks by not telling her seems to be the best option. That poor girl could be on here in a years time saying she has had a baby by this man and has only just found out he had been cheating on her for years beforehand.

Tell her. It would break my heart but I would want to know. Who cares if its for revenge either. That man needs to be exposed.

tribpot · 28/09/2015 10:30

Normally I'm very supportive of posters who want to put themselves first for a change - women particularly are far too good at putting themselves last far too often, to their major detriment.

I fail to see, however, how telling his ex that you had an affair with her fiancé is putting yourself first. Putting yourself first would mean focusing on getting away from this destructive relationship, examining what failures of your character allowed this to seem acceptable to you, and moving on to a better, and more honest future. Trying to sabotage him and dressing it up as some noble quest to save his fiancée is the exact opposite of that - it's just you rolling around in the mud some more to try and get him back. Have some self-respect.

He hasn't ruined your life. He hasn't ruined hers. Stop over-dramatising. Clearly he never intended to end up with you, and he's played you. No shock there - it can't be surprise that he's a player, a cheat and a liar. He was all those things when you were sleeping with him too.

Put this behind you. Yes, you can do better than him but you're actually going to have to do better first.

Original poster
msunnymol · 28/09/2015 10:32

ifiwereuidhatemetoo all of my friends have told me to tell her. i dont know what to say or even how to say it. i have been stupid i acknowledge this and he has ended me twice before and i have bit my tongue and gone back like the n0b i am. i admit this. its all my own fault but having being treat like this once too often i can see how much of a bad person he is and doesnt deserve to go back to her and i wont take him back either.

OP posts:
AndDeepBreath · 28/09/2015 10:33

Well that's easy. Email her a link to this page and say "this is about you BTW".

ifiwereuidhatemetoo · 28/09/2015 10:36

Find a way and tell her. If he is trying to get back with her, he will probably make you out to be a mental case but then its up to her if she wants to believe him. Why let this man swing between two women as and when it suits him. You may find out that this woman already suspects he has been up to something and it happy to just play along with the fantasy of being with him. Who knows.

PurpleDaisies · 28/09/2015 10:36

Considering you're not together anymore you still seem very invested in his life. For your own sanity, the best thing you can do is move on and forget about him.

Asteria36 · 28/09/2015 10:41

There are few reasons that justify calling the ow and none of them are in this situation. No matter how well-meant, you will come out of this looking like an embittered ex stirring the shit. Walk away and deal with your grief in a healthy way.

AyeAmarok · 28/09/2015 10:41

Who are you trying to kid, OP.

You want to tell her purely for revenge, you don't give a shit about her. Funny how your guilty conscience only kicked in when he dumped you, Hmm despite having 3 fucking years to have come to the fore.

At least admit it to yourself if you can't admit it to us.

meditrina · 28/09/2015 10:42

He finished her by saying he wasnt in love with her no more but he said he is keeping her sweet because of the house and he doesn't want to be messed over with it. it has killed me inside. he said he was scared of losing everything and having nothing and he has done it all himself.

You do realise this is almost certainly utter bollocks, don't you? He's a proven liar, and will be telling you only what he thinks you want to hear.

Though even whilst doing that, the 'everything' he values is connected with her, not you. It's simple, really. They split up, nothing to stop him being with you. Except he didn't want that. Harsh? Yes. Because you sound as if you are flip-flopping and wanting to believe him. And from what you've posted, that would be utterly disastrous for you.

And the longer you spend thinking about him, the worse it will be for you. As all you're doing is wasting time dwelling on the past, rather than working out what you want in your future and going for it.

shovetheholly · 28/09/2015 10:47

I never know how to advise in these cases.

I hear that you hate him and want revenge. I'm certain that is NOT a good motivation for doing this. I am very, very glad to hear that you won't be taking him back.

OTOH, if I were his girlfriend, I would want to know. I think it would also help me through the breakup. However, I accept that many women don't want to hear it. You can't exactly give her the choice, either, can you?

I think that if you do own up to her, then you need to accept the guilt of it also. You need to stop blaming him entirely for creating the pain, and recognise your role in it. I don't think your guilt in this is as large as his, but it is nonetheless there and you will be carrying it as a burden for a very, very long time - and it means taking some responsibility for what you've done beyond simply saying 'I did a bad thing' - it means paying your dues, making up for it in some way by fundamentally making changes to your life. Maybe the right thing to do would be to pay for therapy or a holiday for the GF. Maybe it would be to do some more anonymous charitable work. Either way, you need to work out how you square this decision and expiate it.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 28/09/2015 10:48

My best advice would be focus on yourself now. Put him out of your mind and throw yourself into work/friends/hobbies/exercise. It will hurt for a bit but you will get over it. And promise yourself you will value yourself too much to get involved with an attached man again.

sleeponeday · 28/09/2015 10:50

She's very possibly more likely to want him back if she knows. It's a sad fact that a lot of people respond that way. So if you are genuinely motivated by concern that she has the full picture, by all means tell her - just don't be surprised if they suddenly set a date and then marry in short order. He could well lever the whole thing into what is known as "hysterical bonding" where the sex will improve, they have lots of deeply emotional conversations, you get all the blame, and they are "closer than ever". It's at least as likely as any other option.

Alternatively you sympathise with the poor woman, being with such an unpleasant man, but accept that he is going to be with someone in future whatever you do or don't do, and just thank your lucky stars that it isn't you.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2015 10:50

If this charmer hadn't dumped you, would you be considering spilling the beans to her ?

Get a fucking grip

sleeponeday · 28/09/2015 10:52

Are you saying you were cheating with him behind her back for three years, or that he was engaged to her for three years? And when you say "engaged" - you suddenly mention a house. They have a house they jointly own? Do they have kids?

AndDeepBreath · 28/09/2015 10:52

What AF said.

WanderingTrolley1 · 28/09/2015 10:53

Why do you suddenly care about her feelings, OP?!

You're a disgrace.

InimitableJeeves · 28/09/2015 10:57

There is absolutely no point in telling her unless he does try to get back into a relationship with her and unless she goes along with it. If that happens then yes, she needs to know - but I suspect that, having already been told that he didn't love her, she isn't going to fall for it again. If it doesn't happen, leave it alone and get on with your life.

And ffs, don't get into a relationship with someone who is engaged, married or living with another woman. It will only go the same way.

sleeponeday · 28/09/2015 10:59

He's ruined her life and ruined mine.

No he has not.

He did a crappy thing, having an affair. No question. So did you - you had the info, unlike his partner, and you made that choice. Your life is not ruined, you're just a bit upset at the moment. But you aren't upset because of his choices, but your own. Take responsibility for your own life, because happiness is impossible for anyone otherwise.

trulybadlydeeply · 28/09/2015 11:04

You obviously don't care about her, because otherwise you wouldn't have entered into a relationship with her partner in the first place. Sorry, to be blunt, but I don't understand your sudden concern for her. Even if you do tell her,(and he gets back with her) he will tell her enough lies that either she won't believe you, or she will believe you, but will believe whatever stories and excuses he makes up.

Leave them both alone. Learn from this whole sorry situation, move on with your life, and treat others, and yourself, better in the future.

0dfod · 28/09/2015 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shutthatdoor · 28/09/2015 11:05

I feel so upset but now feel terrible for his ex, she expected a future with him so how must she feel.

Errrrr no you don't.

You didn't feel sorry for his ex whilst you were snagging her fiance did you!?

I agree with AF, get a grip and a moral compass!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/09/2015 11:07

I would want to know if my DP/husband was cheating on me.

I would not want to find out from the OW.

Bogeyface · 28/09/2015 11:07

You wouldnt be wanting to tell her if you and him where skipping off into the sunset together would you?

He doesnt want you so you dont want her to have him, thats the truth of it isnt it? So are you are trying to make sure that she doesnt.

diddl · 28/09/2015 11:11

Is he even planning to get back with her?

molyholy · 28/09/2015 11:12

You want to tell her purely for revenge, you don't give a shit about her. Funny how your guilty conscience only kicked in when he dumped you, hmm despite having 3 fucking years to have come to the fore

^ this