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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 19:53

But if he trots out that line he'd be right in my opinion, the OP can't even explain why she doesn't like the idea of him socialising with the friend.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 19:55

And why should the OP be included in this group, are the other blokes bringing their partners?

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/09/2015 19:59

Well, Sarah is.

I don't know how other people work, but with my DH and I, we like each other to get to know our friends, and become friends with them, too.

Makes all friendship groups more friendly, oils the wheels, and people get to know each other better over time. Doesn't mean they're always included - but always excluding them is weird to me.

Maybe I'm the strange one, not wanting to keep things so separate.

ClashCityRocker · 26/09/2015 20:02

Jesus, why can't sarah be part of a friendship group that involves, shit shock horror, men with spouses. It is evidently not a 'guys night' because sarah is going.

Does op want to go out on these nights too? If her partner says he doesn't want her there, I can see why she's upset. However, if its just been the way they've socialised - as a group without partners - I don't think its wrong in any way and not that odd that they've never met.

I think op is being unreasonable in not wanting him to go out for meals with female friends full stop; I don't think she is being unreasonable to not want him to lie about it if he does.

Op, what will you do if he does say he has planned to go out for a meal with sarah?

lavenderhoney · 26/09/2015 20:02

If she travels a lot and has a good job, maybe she has news of a new role for him and being time poor, she wants to discuss it over dinner after work. Maybe it's the only time she has free. Lots of people do that.

I don't see why he's not telling you though. Would you try and stop him if he said " hey, I won't be home til bout ten on wed, dinner with sarah. She got some news re work"

Is it a sat night dinner? Or a weekday?

ClashCityRocker · 26/09/2015 20:05

I don't think its strange, dowager but both me and Dh of ten years still have friends the other hasn't met, or only met in passing...we do have mutual friends, and it's not been a conscious decision not to introduce them to dh or vice versa...but no, if I was going out with mates, who didn't know him, I wouldn't expect them to invite dh.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 20:08

Only on Mumsnet do couples share every friend.

loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 20:11

Obviously there are plenty of people for and against your views. You do what you're happy with.

Floggingmolly · 26/09/2015 20:13

Isn't there a slight difference between "sharing" friends and not having met your partners friends during the course of a three year relationship?

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/09/2015 20:14

Yeah, and I get - friendship dynamics are unique.

I just tend to think that in all the years the OP has known this women, it seems odd that there hasn't been even one occassion where they've been able to socialise together, and if they had had that opportunity, this whole thing would probably be far more diffused.

As it is, it's now way more of a Big Deal than it really needs to be.

I also don't think it's helpful for people to tell the OP she should ignore her own feelings, allow her boundaries to be overridden, and to do things she doesn't feel comfortable with, just becaus random strangers on the Internet are OK with it...

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 20:14

Chicken- nobody has said that couples must share every friend.

It wouldn't hurt the DP to at least introduce Sarah to the OP and then carry on with "guys plus Sarah but no partners" nights out.

Also-lavendarhoney- if she has work news, why not text him, ring him or tell on one of the weekly Wednesdays she sees him anyway? If I have work news I don't need to see my friends alone on their own, I just tell them.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/09/2015 20:14

And only on Mumsnet do people completely compartmentalise their lives.

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 20:17

Isn't there a slight difference between "sharing" friends and not having met your partners friends during the course of a three year relationship?

Yes there is. I agree.

It's funny how suggesting that Sarah and the OP are introduced has been turned into "why do all friendships have to be shared"

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 20:17

What do you mean Dowager?

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/09/2015 20:19

In response to Chicken at 20:08

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 26/09/2015 20:20

You are presuming they've never gone for dinner alone before. However, they may of and he's just never told you because you saying he wasnt to in the beginning.

Personally it wouldn't bother me my DH going out for dinner with a female friend for dinner.I can't understand why having a drink or going for coffee is different than going for a meal. How does putting food into your stomach suddenly change the relationship?? You are jealous op, regardless of how much you dispute it.

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 20:23

TheDowager- ah, I see. Good post at 20.14 by the way.

Whatsforsupper · 26/09/2015 20:27

Matt the single mate. Shagging Sarah. Friendship Groups. Shared friends. Sarah & nutty mate. Sarah & whats -app.

I have no advice ,sorry.

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 20:28

Exasperated-Dinner alone together in the evening is more intimate than a coffee in Starbucks in the day.

I don't know why, and it's nothing to do with genitals being more turgid after sunset, but as a cultural norm, a dinner alone with a member of the opposite sex who has invited you but not your partner of 3 years, is, in fact, suggestive of or conducive to more intimacy than a latte in the afternoon.

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/09/2015 20:29

Thanks, MissB.

Because it's not about sharing every friend always, and being joined at the hip always, right?

But keeping everything completely separate and never meeting certain friends of your partner's over the entire course of a LTR (even when they knock on the door to pick them up en route to the pub) is equally as weird as the joined-at-the-hip thing, IMO.

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 26/09/2015 20:37

Missbattleaxe what about a coffee in the evening in a cosy little coffee shop or in a drink in a nice little wine bar. I go for dinner with my friend in the day and the night its not intimate or cosy. I don't even find dinner with my husband cosy or intimate when we go out! But that's because we go out for nice food not for an intimate setting.

Maybe she wants to meet up with him to ask if he knows how matt feels about her because she likes him. Maybe she wants advice about something he can help her with relating to her job?

Cabrinha · 26/09/2015 20:42

There are a lot of people talking about sudden changes in behaviour.
I don't see a sudden change of behaviour.

He didn't see Sarah often, and when he did it was in a group. Because she travelled away with work all the time and when she was available wanted to maximise seeing everyone?

Now she's been back two months, and seeing OP's boyfriend and other friends regularly. She's back, she doesn't need to cram everyone in. Maybe she just wants to be able to chill and talk to just him now? Maybe "guys night" is alcohol and poker and pisstaking and she fancies a catch up chat?

That is not as dramatic as a "sudden change of behaviour". She's not introducing new behaviour in an unchanged situation.

I've said it upthread - my male friend of 12 years sleeping on my sofa tonight isn't going to fuck me tonight. Or even flirt with me. His girlfriend and my boyfriend know that.

OP has the right to set any kind of boundary she wants and he can choose to accept that or not. And she can act accordingly.

I won't tell the OP she should let him go. But I will tell her she NEEDS to talk about it.

Given the dripfeed that she's just arrived back a few months ago, I wouldn't mention the phone snooping.

I'd say "hey, boyfriend. You know Sarah's back and going to guy's night? You remember her crazy friend? You remember I said I'm not comfortable with you seeing other women alone? Do you think Sarah will suggest it? Because I'm uncomfortable thinking that she might."

And go from there.

Cabrinha · 26/09/2015 20:45

The dinner thing we just can't judge - it's an income / lifestyle thing.
I do it all the time. It's not intimate to me.

Even people jumping on OP mentioning that they don't go out to dinner much at the moment as saving money. It doesn't mean either of them CAN'T.

There's a difference between agreeing to spend nothing but a pre-decided budget while on a debt plan, and mutually choosing to rein in meals out but it still being OK to grab a pizza out if it's so and so's birthday. I don't think you can jump on that. Only OP knows the reasonableness of that.

ClashCityRocker · 26/09/2015 20:47

Well, I suppose the best thing op could do would be to ask her partner if he is planning on meeting sarah and if he is, asking to be introduced so perhaps she'll feel more comfortable?

There's nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about it per se, it's when you allow not feeling comfortable for no good reason to dictate what your partner, someone you supposedly trust, can and can't do.

As I said before, there are some friends of dh I've never met. I've never been hugely fussed about meeting them - if they were a big part of DHs life, of course I would have done. But he has lots of friends from 'back in the day' that he sees occasionally and I've never met, or only met in passing.

derxa · 26/09/2015 20:49

OP suggest a quiet intimate dinner with DP. What is his reaction?