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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 20:59

This will be my last post in this thread but the OP doesn't need to play games, just talk to him.

Gabilan · 26/09/2015 21:44

Either you are with someone or you are not. If you are, you don't do one-to-one with others

Well that's depressing.

When we go out for dinner it's intimate and cosy, it's rare that we get complete one to one time with no distractions what so ever. And so for him to suddenly have that with this friend isn't okay with me

OK, I kind of get it now and I think this is the nearest you've got to explaining the dinner ban. Otherwise what you've said has been quite inconsistent. You say you're suspicious because it's new behaviour - well of course it is, you've banned him from doing this in the past. And if there had been no ban and they'd been having dinners for months, would it be OK? Because for everything that's become a regular event, there was always a first time.

Thing is, not every dinner is intimate (and to the other PP not all one on one time is like that between partners). Dinner can be a fairly perfunctory meal in Pizza Express. Who knows, maybe she's developed feelings for Matt and wants to talk to a mutual friend in private. If dinner is for you something intimate and couple-y then fine but for your DP it might be something far less complicated and he might have just got a bit fed up with the ban.

And as PP have said - just talk to him.

LosingTheWillToSkate · 26/09/2015 21:50

Call it whatever you want, its a group of friends socialising without partners. Adding partners into the mix is unnecessary and changes the dynamic.

I'm friends with a lot of men and it really wouldn't occur to me to invite their partners to things because firstly I'm not friends with them and secondly we don't tend to socialise with partners there.

My DH is friends with people because he likes them and has things in common with them. I'm not an extension of him, I have my own personality and friends.

MatrixReloaded · 26/09/2015 21:59

It's a date. It's inappropriate.

Op you don't have to explain yourself. Your not comfortable with it and that's that.

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 22:10

Matrix exactly. It can be dressed up as "work news" or he is being "controlled" or the OP is "banning" him from freedom etc or you can call a spade a spade. She has asked to meet him alone, he has never introduced her to the OP even once, and the OP has not been told about the dinner.

I call that a date too.

MatrixReloaded · 26/09/2015 22:31

Why on earth do people think it's ok to tell other people how to feel , or ok to call people names such as controlling, jealous, insecure ? I'm astonished that adults have read this thread and concluded that the Op is BANNING him from having female friends. What a gross exaggeration.

If nothing else, she's friends with another woman who has previously caused lots of problems. That alone is reason not to go.

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 22:42

Well no one has said OP is banning her DP from having female friends, but she has said she doesn't want her DP having one on one time with female friends.

And as for the other psycho woman, do you mean that Sarah is therefore guilty by association?

OneDay103 · 26/09/2015 22:52

Op you should ignore the advice from the 'cool gang'. You will find in real life most people won't be happy or so accepting of these one to one private get togethers and that is normal.
You need to confront him and ask him what's going on.

MatrixReloaded · 26/09/2015 23:03

The Op has not said she doesn't want her dp having one on one time with female friends. She's explained clearly she's uncomfortable with this dinner invitation.

Guilty by association ? Possibly. I personally don't socialize with unstable troublesome people, or their friends.

Gabilan · 26/09/2015 23:12

"Op you should ignore the advice from the 'cool gang'."

Alternatively OP you could read each post as just that - an individual post. It might be easy to lump everything you don't agree with together and dismiss it with an insult but the views on here are actually quite varied. So consider each post and if one presents a view with which you disagree then why? Does that help you clarify your own position? You've thanked posters who've simply agreed with you. So presumably as far as you're concerned you're right and you just needed affirmation. However, your arguments have been quite inconsistent which suggests an emotional response rather than a logical one. That's not necessarily a bad thing but IMO it needs acknowledging.

I wouldn't just dismiss people who are saying "I sometimes go for dinner with opposite sex friends and they are just friends". Whilst you're not comfortable with it other people are. Time to talk to your DP again and really find out which camp he's in.

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 23:14

She has actually, matrix. She said in her OP that she told her DP at the beginning of their relationship that she wasn't comfortable with him going out for dinner with female friends.

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 23:22

She's entitled to say what she's uncomfortable with. I would hate it if my dh went out for a dinner alone with a female friend. Equally my dh would hate it if the shoe was on the other foot. I'm not going to insist everyone's marriage has to be like ours but it works for us. Many posters are basically saying that the op has to shut up and like it if her dp wants to go on date with a woman he's never introduced his partner to in 3 years.

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 23:31

And that's fine if that set up works for you, missbattleaxe. However the OP's DP clearly isn't on the same page which is wherein the problem lies.

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 23:45

I can see your point but it doesn't make his actions okay. To a lot of people whether they had set out terms and conditions or not, (figuratively speaking) a date with a member of the opposite sex is often considered bad form.

MatrixReloaded · 26/09/2015 23:54

I may have missed it, but I cannot see where the Op says she doesn't want him to spend one on one time with female friends, just that she doesn't like the dinner idea.

MadgeMak · 27/09/2015 00:35

One on one dinners. Apparently meeting one on one at their homes to do a favour like putting up a shelf or something is ok. Because they are clearly much more likely to shag publicly across a restaurant table than in the privacy of their own home. Or something.

horsewalksintoabar · 27/09/2015 00:44

I'm going to cut to the chase and tell you straight: your relationship is on shaky ground. He hasn't even run this dinner by you, not a mention of it?! That alone says you two are (nearly) done. Secrets in a relationship=death knell. SadFlowers I don't know why you'd want to remain committed to this man. Sorry to sound so harsh. But he's keeping his options open. God OP...you poor thing. This sucks.

MatrixReloaded · 27/09/2015 01:05

Madge if the Op is fine with visits in their homes then she's not the paranoid controlling spouse people have made her out to be. Sex would obviously be much more likely to occur in someone's home than a crowded restaurant.

The objection is obviously based on the fact that for the Op, going out to a restaurant feels more like a date which she's uncomfortable about. And she's entitled to feel that way. There's absolutely no way I would be ok with it.

Catpuke · 27/09/2015 01:39

Sounds to me like DP is the one playing games, not the OP.

"I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her.”

Have you heard this from other people or did your DP tell you this?

"DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick.”

So he was in the middle of this text exchange when he put his phone down next to you to have a cuddle? If he was, the timing seems a bit deliberate. I reckon he knows you’ve seen the text. Is it possible that he's intentionally trying to unsettle you and make you jealous?

Re. the first girl - I’m always a bit skeptical about claims of people suddenly turning 'psycho’. I’m not doubting your perception of what happened. I just think it’s rare for someone to suddenly go batshit without there being something more behind it. A triangulating DP for example...

Was the FB page definitely from her? When you met this ‘crazy’ woman, did she tell you anything dodgy about your DP that that could have been true? Could it be that he created the FB himself to cover his tracks?

Or am I being overly suspicious...

Catpuke · 27/09/2015 01:43

FB profile, I mean.

MatrixReloaded · 27/09/2015 02:37

Sorry to say I'd have had similar concerns as catpuke about the issues with the first friend. Unless someone really is mentally unwell there's usually a reason for what appears to be "phyco" behaviour.

It was bad judgment to have arranged to take the first friend to a restaurant for the evening and it's equally bad judgment now. He's looking an utter fool. I cannot imagine arranging something like this with a married man.

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/09/2015 04:14

Neither can I.

In fact, DH has several old female friends where I'd be only too happy for him and them to go out for dinner a deux. But they don't.

Partly, I suppose, because we're part of that weird cohort of people who share friends, want to meet and know each other's, and get on with those people. So if one of those friends wanted to catch up him, it'd be a more-the-merrier situation, and the cosy dinner just wouldn't happen.

TheStoic · 27/09/2015 06:59

And that's fine if that set up works for you, missbattleaxe. However the OP's DP clearly isn't on the same page which is wherein the problem lies.

He has been, and he still might be - it's not 'clear' at all. The OP doesn't know what his response is yet.

Peterspan · 27/09/2015 07:25

OP, I found myself in a very simIlar situation a few years ago. I didn't want to be the needy insecure girlfriend so outwardly appeared 'cool' with my then partner of 5 years (living together for 3) going out for the evening with a so called friend even though I felt very uncomfortable with it. He ended up shagging her, I found out, we broke up, trust your instincts OP.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 27/09/2015 11:30

They all get together once a week, and for at least the last two months you haven't been invited? And it's a 'guys' thing, but she gets to go because she lives with one of them? So do you...
Are you the person who posted a few weeks ago about how her DP goes to the cinema with friends every week but refuses to allow her to come along?

No that wasn't me.
When they have these guy nights they have it at the house where she lives, that's why she's there. Again, not a problem. I'm not the only gf who doesn't go nor am I insisting I go. I think it's good he has his own time with friends because apart from this 1 night a week they rarely get together. I'm not about to start demanding I go too.

missbattleaxe sykadelic derxa

thank you! You all worded everything so much better than I did. I'm glad I'm not alone.

I'll bet my house that he uses the line I didn't tell you because I knew you'e be jealous/overreact

Probably! If he doesn't say anything what other reason could he have to give me that would explain him not telling me? And what could I say back to that?

maybe she has news of a new role for him and being time poor, she wants to discuss it over dinner after work. Maybe it's the only time she has free. Lots of people do that

She doesn't have a good job she moves from job to job when she isn't travelling. And my DP has a great career there's no way their dinner would be about work! In terms of work/career their two very different people.

also this guys night isn't alcohol fulled they just get a takeaway and have a catch up. Plus it's on a weekday so they have work the next morning. So it's not as if 'Sarah' wants to catch up with my DP away from alcohol because she has that chance to every week.

They all went out the other week on the piss, I was working so couldn't go. In every photo they're next to each other. Again not an issue in itself, but add that to the dinner invite and my mind is all over the place.

catpuke when DP and I got together she admitted she liked him, he knocked her back. She didn't like the rejection. After she gave me abuse in the pub my DP along with a few others said they'd never seen her like that before. She wasn't encouraged by my DP. I would receive messages saying my DP was out with another woman yet he was lying next to me Hmm things were said that only she could know etc. She would call him in tears accusing me of things my DP and I knew I hadn't done.

OP posts: