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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 26/09/2015 18:10

Sorry OP

BitOfFun · 26/09/2015 18:22

Perhaps he just felt backed into a corner and agreed to dinner but intends to blow her off nearer the time?

BlahBlahUsername · 26/09/2015 18:28

Whatsforsupper It's also quite off that she is excluded from his friendship group, like she is not good enough to socialize with. Perhaps if she was allowed to the occasional 'guys night', she might not be so concerned.

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 18:31

Lawler- I think you have had an undeserved roasting on here.

Just because some people are cool with their partner or husband dining alone with other women/female friends etc, doesn't mean everyone in the world has to be. It doesn't make you controlling either.

I wouldn't like to be in your position. If my DH was suddenly making plans to go on a dinner a deux with a single female friend that he sees every week in a group (i.e negating a need for a catch up or anything), I'd be cheesed off too. I know for a fact that my DH wouldn't like it either if positions were reversed. We have been happily married for many years, and it's perfectly OK not to like behaviour that hurts or worries you.

I'd be wondering why this woman needs or wants your DP all alone without the others, and I'd be wondering why he hasn't asked that she meets his long term partner i.e you.

sykadelic · 26/09/2015 18:32

Marilyn I don't know if you're being deliberately obtuse or if you just didn't RTFT.

  1. The OP's DP has never been to dinner with any woman alone, not just this one, at any point in his life (as he told the OP);
  2. During a mutual conversation at the beginning of their relationship they discussed each others boundaries and no disagreement was raised by either party;
  3. Ignoring the comfort of other people because you can, or because you're an adult who can make your own choices, is a big part of why society sucks... selfishness.

The OP is well within her rights to feel upset that her DP is doing something they previously agreed was not okay. It doesn't mean she has self-esteem issues or doesn't like female friends.

This isn't about male vs. female friends, it's about the intimacy of an action. Going to dinner in a group (even if the group was all female) isn't intimate, going to help them with something isn't intimate, but sitting in a cozy restaurant alone, is.

It's great that you feel that your husband "had lunch in the city with a female neighbour who works near him, and played badminton and had a bite at the pub after with his best friends single ex wife" but it is not something my DH would do, or has done, and if he suddenly started doing it I certainly wouldn't like it (and neither would he) because it's out of character.

It's about mutual respect. He doesn't want me to see "Thunder from Down Under". I don't care enough about seeing something like that to belittle how he feels. And if I DID feel strongly about it, and decide his opinion wasn't valid, then isn't that just a little bit sad? That watching men I don't know strip was more important that my DH's opinion? In that same way, the OP's DP deciding that having dinner with this person is more important than the comfort level of his partner is sad. There are other options (talk on the phone, talk via e-mail, meet at their house and meet his partner...) they're choosing the option that makes her uncomfortable.

But as I said before, he's probably just forgotten because it's never come up before. Hopefully the OP will raise the issue and it'll all be a moot point.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 18:34

But what happens if the DP tells the OP that she's being silly and he'll socialise with his female friend if he wants?

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 18:43

Chicken- he can say that of course, she is not in charge of him. If my DH said that to me I would find it very hurtful. They are also supposed to be saving money together but he is off to a restaurant.

Most importantly, the OP is not stopping him socializing with this woman as he already does. Her concern is that this is a raised level of intimacy and it is new.

It's not even about sex. Emotional affairs can damage a relationship too. The woman is seeking a more intimate friendship with him alone and he is compliant in agreeing to a private dinner alone.

Personally I think the OP's DP could have said "why do we need to meet? I am seeing you Wednesday with the gang"

or

"Dinner is a great idea, come round and I'll cook and you can meet Lawler"

APlaceOnTheCouch · 26/09/2015 18:47

I think a lot of posters are confusing 'boundaries' with rules. They're not the same at all. It's not about setting boundaries for other people. In a relationship, you agree what you are both comfortable with. The OP and her DP did this.

If OP's DP suddenly decides he wants to act differently then that's a conversation they need to have together.

derxa · 26/09/2015 18:55

MissBattleAxe I'm just like you. I've been with DH for over 30 years. Neither of us would go to dinner with someone of the opposite sex unless it was a business meeting. Something is wrong here. I like the OP. It's her life we are talking about not some weird set of rules she has to follow.

LosingTheWillToSkate · 26/09/2015 19:16

Wow!

If I invited a friend for dinner and they automatically extended the invite to their partner I'd be stunned.

I must have missed the rule that says you must share friends in a relationship! I have my friends, mostly male. DH has his friends, some female. We have some joint friends, but mostly individual. We both socialise with anyone else as we choose. I don't really see why there'd be a distinction between going for a coffee, lunch, a few beers, to an event, for dinner etc. It's only "a date" if the people attending make it so.

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 19:19

Well it certainly sounds like a date!

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 19:21

Oh fgs it's not a rule that you have to share friends! I just think there are other ways the dp could have handled the invitation. I think it's weird they haven't met 3 years into the op and did relationship.
And

LosingTheWillToSkate · 26/09/2015 19:29

I've been with my DH for 13 years and have friends he hasn't met because they don't mix in the same social circles.

And what the fuck is with people insisting a partner should be invited to a guys night??? Do you invite your partners along when you meet up with the girls? In my main group of friends, one of the guy's wives used to show up where we were, just by massive coincidence. He had the piss taken out of him relentlessly. He still does actually. Sarah is part of the guys nights because she is part of that friendship group. Nothing wrong or sinister in it.

And back to dinner, I go for dinner with male friends often. Never have either of us looked at it as a date because it isn't. Its that we're meeting up at a time it'd be the norm to eat so we have dinner.

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 19:30

Sorry, It's weird that after 3 years the Op hasn't met "Sarah". The OP is not insisting theu share friendships. She is not insisting on anything, she is hurt.

Kaekae · 26/09/2015 19:31

No I wouldn't be happy with my DH having a one on one meal with another woman. I have been with my DH 17 years and I'm not insecure but I just don't find it respectful. She'd be welcome to come round to our house for dinner but to a restaurant alone then no! I know a guy who used to go and meet his female friend, they ended up having an affair and then getting married!

AnyFucker · 26/09/2015 19:32

OP, they way I see it is that your H is going on a date with this woman

Call me old fashioned, but my H and stopped dating when we got married

Neither of us would ever dream of doing this. You are not wrong to feel the way you do. I am puzzled by your lack of action about it though.

AnyFucker · 26/09/2015 19:32

my H and I*

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 19:37

And what the fuck is with people insisting a partner should be invited to a guys night??

No need for the "what the fuck?" This woman "Sarah", goes on all the guys nights but the OP does not, nor is she insisting on going. The problem she has is with the dinner for two away from the group. It's not like they need a catch up- they see each other every week anyway.

I think people are being very harsh to the OP and imposing their own marriage style on her and berating her for not using the same model as they are.

She's hurt and worried that he is crossing boundaries they mutually talked about early in their relationship. People keep sticking the words "rules" and "controlling" on her. That may be your relationship model but it doesn't have to everybody else's.

derxa · 26/09/2015 19:39

AF You've arrived. You're so right. This date is wrong and I feel scared for the OP.

Joysmum · 26/09/2015 19:39

I think a lot of posters are confusing 'boundaries' with rules. They're not the same at all. It's not about setting boundaries for other people. In a relationship, you agree what you are both comfortable with. The OP and her DP did this

Exactly!

The cool crowd seem to believe we should all be like them. Confused

I'd never try to convince anyone that they should run their lives by my morals. Shane others don't do the OP the same courtesy.

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 19:40

Precisely, AnyFucker.

ChickenTikkaMassala · 26/09/2015 19:42

Can the hyperbole stop please?

Scared for the OP my arse, you're just adding fuel to the fire.

MissBattleaxe · 26/09/2015 19:46

Chicken- a quick glance on the relationships thread will demonstrate that sadly, but not always, it's the oldest story in the world.

The poster is not exaggerating in expressing fear for the OP. Whilst we're here, I'll bet my house that he uses the line "I didn't tell you because I knew you'e be jealous/overreact"

MadgeMak · 26/09/2015 19:49

To be honest I think if the OP had said in her first post that her DP was suddenly planning on going alone to dinner with a female friend who he had only ever socialized previously with in a group situation, and that he hadn't told her about it, then she would have got quite different responses. But in her first post she didn't say that, she said her DP was planning a dinner with a female friend and she was not ok with him having dinner alone with any female friends. Hence all the posts saying that perhaps she was being controlling b

TheDowagerCuntess · 26/09/2015 19:52

Sarah is part of the guys nights because she is part of that friendship group. Nothing wrong or sinister in it.

Well, either it's a 'guy's night' or it's a 'friendship group'. Which is it?

'Sarah' gets invited because she lives with one of the guys, but the OP, who also lives with one of the guys, doesn't get invited.

I'm sure this whole situation would be far more diffused if the OP had met Sarah on one or two of these 'friendship group'/'guys' + one girl nights' out...