DP going for dinner with friend

[Lawler123]

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

Everyone has different boundaries, OP and her partner set these at the outset with regards to dinner with opposite sex friends. That is their business and what they agreed, it doesn't mean the OP is controlling or suspicious or anything like that. The fact he has not told OP yet is not right especially since he knows where she stands on this sort of activity with opposite sex friends.

I personally wouldn't mind my DH having dinner with a female friend if that was something they occasionally did but in this case he knows OP doesn't like it, he and the friend haven't gone for dinner alone before and he has kept it from her. There is a massive difference. In the OPs scenario I would be thinking "why are they suddenly going for dinner alone" which is exactly what the OP is saying. It doesn't mean she doesn't trust her DP.

I think you should just speak to him openly OP, get it sorted now and your mind put to rest.

Lawler - I appreciate what you are saying and I have read the thread, and I take on board what you are saying - it's a discussion more than setting out 'rules', it just sounded like that when you said you set boundaries. I just think you are going to find it really hard waiting and waiting for him to fess up, but I am an impatient person and I would just say straightaway, but of course that's just me.

I agree we aren't all the same, my DH would think I'd lost the plot if I said "you are not seeing Mrs so and so from your hobbygroup". I actually think she has a soft spot for him too!

I understand about this being out the ordinary, Lawler, but if you have no reason not to trust him, why couldn't he go? Just because she has suddenly invited him out to dinner doesn't mean they are going to be playing footsie under the table.

I think the issue is, at the beginning, you said meals out with other women wasn't okay, full stop.

Now you're saying it's not okay because it's not what they usually do. If they'd gone out for meals together before you came along, would you be okay with it then?

Exactly roussette.

It just doesn't sit right with me. I'm not comfortable with it. I understand why a lot of posters think I'm bonkers for not liking it but unfortunately that's the way I feel.

I wish I could be cool with it but I'm not. When we go out for dinner it's intimate and cosy, it's rare that we get complete one to one time with no distractions what so ever. And so for him to suddenly have that with this friend isn't okay with me.

Again, if they had always gone out for dinners I believe I would be a lot more understanding. I could tell myself "okay they've always done this it's no big deal nothing to it" but they haven't and so I can't tell myself that.

I've always been told I'm good at keeping calm in stressful situations. I have always been an anxious person and so I've learnt how to deal with things and stop myself from boiling over.

When you go out for dinner it's intimate and cosy because that is what your relationship is. Doesn't mean that will be the vibe for every meal out he has. You're not worried about him getting intimate and cosy over dinner with a male friend or his mother for example, so the issue here is not dinner, it's the fact that she's a woman and you don't trust him.

When I go out with my male colleague, we are both just stuffing our faces and yakking, there could be nothing less intimate or cosy to be honest. We always go somewhere nice like a gastro pub but it's always completely asexual. It's just a mate whose company I enjoy. It would be the same with a female friend.

But why?
You told him from the start no dinners with females. It's not just this time.
What do you think will happen?
Dinner could be McDonald's. Dinner doesn't necessarily mean a romantic restaurant with candles on the table, dark lighting and soppy music playing.

The fact that she is best friends with the other female friend who had a go at you makes it even more understandable that you'd feel uncomfortable. I can see that there are a few levels to this. It doesn't seem entirely non-threatening.

In my first post I mentioned a girl he used to be friends with who caused a load of problems for us and turned psycho. Well these two are best friends. That's the main reason why we haven't really met

I can understand why you're wary in that case.

I can also understand it's more so because it's not something they've done before so a new pattern of behavior.

Ignore the poisonous people on here.

I'd be doing what you are which is giving him the space to tell you in the hope that you don't have a problem with him lying to you.

The point is though, a lot of people have a lot of opinions but at the end of the day if one partner in any relationship isnt happy with something, it needs discussed and sorted out.
It doesnt matter what anyone says. Its not there relationship.
OP bide your time. See what he says. If he doesnt say anything, well that is your starting point.

If he tells you before they meet, you're going to give him grief and if he doesn't, you're going to give him grief anyway. He can't win, if I was him I'd at least get a 'cozy' meal before the haranguing starts.

There could be a number of legitimate reasons for the dinner but none of them would really suffice because you don't want him seeing her alone. You can try and hide behind the supposed peculiarlarity of her 'suddenly' wanting to see him (you don't even know if it's just the two of them) and you can also, get all self righteous if you catch him in a lie but it boils down to one thing, you don't trust him. Good luck in trying to convince him that do.

This girl spends a lot of time travelling away which is why I haven't met her

I'm confused. How can you have not met her due to her travelling away, and yet he meets her with others every week?

Then....

In my first post I mentioned a girl he used to be friends with who caused a load of problems for us and turned psycho. Well these two are best friends. That's the main reason why we haven't really met

I totally agree that there are some really depressing posts here. Not least the awful "cool gang" comment

Well if being in the cool gang means I'm comfortable with my DH having dinner with a female friend, don't set boundaries, have high self esteem and don't assume he's going to leap across the table and accidentally shag her, then I'm a fully paid up member.

Worraliberty - she returned home 2 months ago. They have a 'guys night' once a week and as she's moved in with the single guy she's also at these 'guys nights'

Whenever she's been home in the passed I haven't met her because they usually haven't met up themselves. It can be months and months and months with them not seeing each other. It's only since she's moved in with one of them that they've seen each other once a week.

I'm confused reading this thread. Lots of drip feeding. I really don't know why you can't just speak to him. Afraid he will find out you have been snooping? You can't control who he does and doesn't see alone. You obviously DO have problems with him having female friends.

Maybe you should explore the reasons why you are not comfortable with it?

'It doesn't sit right' isn't a reason to stop somebody you trust from doing anything. If you're worried he's being used or manipulated, by all means explain your concerns and then let him make his mind up. He is a grown adult after all.

It sounds like it's more your issue than his, and whilst it's absolutely right to be able to say 'no, that isn't on, I won't accept that' having dinner with a female friend really isn't the mountain out of a molehill you're making it to be.

You need to speak to him...this waiting to see if he tells you is a bit childish and smacks of head games.

More drips than a leaking tap on this thread.

Whether it's McDonalds or a nice restaurant I don't think it would make a difference to how lawler feels?!

Just putting myself in Sarah's shoes for a mo - I'd be wondering why insert your DP name girlfriend is so off with me. Perhaps she didn't think to invite you as well because the two of you don't have a relationship?

I think you should just talk to him.

They all get together once a week, and for at least the last two months you haven't been invited? And it's a 'guys' thing, but she gets to go because she lives with one of them? So do you...

Are you the person who posted a few weeks ago about how her DP goes to the cinema with friends every week but refuses to allow her to come along?

If so, I'd forget about the dinner with a female friend issue, there are larger problems here.

I'd raise it too, except I'd probably tell him you'd to go see X movie or go out to dinner on that same date they're going out. If he replies "I can't I have to work/going out with the guys" then you know he's keeping a secret and there's going to be a problem, but if he replies "I can't, I'm going out to dinner with Sarah" that's your opening... "just Sarah?".

It's been 3 years. There's every possibility he's forgotten your boundary because he's never had to worry about it before. And yes, reading his texts wasn't great, but that doesn't absolve him of guilt. I hope he's just forgotten and when you remind him of it he changes his plans.

You should though, be prepared for him to say he's not okay with that boundary now and your reaction to that, or for him to ask what you'd suggest instead, especially if she does just want one-on-one time for advice or something.

I really would raise it asap so that he has a better chance to reschedule to different plans, or come up with a reason to not have dinner that doesn't make you look controlling (as you've seen here, some people will think that). I'd personally go the route of him telling her that you're coming too so you guys can finally meet.

I honestly don't understand why you have insisted he can never have dinner with a female.

The fact you feel the need to insist he can't have dinner with women in and of itself is a bit off.

The problem here is you OP. You tell us that you are fine with him having women friends, but you are not !. That's the crux of the issue. You need to examine your reasons for this jealousy . If, as you say, you do not believe he would/is cheating on you, then why On earth would you give a toss who he has dinner with. It's not like he is going to slip on a banana skin in the restaurant and find his dick somehow inexplicably and accidentally wedged In her vagina.! There is also the small matter of all humans having pretty much free will. If he wanted to run off with this old friend I am sure he could, at anytime, however he has CHOSEN to live with you. Jealousy is a horrible emotion both for the sufferer and the victim of it. It's also one of the most unattractive traits going. I would work on my own self esteem, find out what is making you feel like this. If it is his behaviour towards you, then sod looking at fantasy OW to blame and just accept the relationship doesn't make you feel happy and move on and find someone who does. If you were confident and happy, you really wouldn't care he was having dinner with an old friend. I have just thought about the exact same scenario with my DH. This week he had lunch in the city with a female neighbour who works near him, and played badminton and had a bite at the pub after with his best friends single ex wife. I can't imagine telling him 'he couldn't' , neither would I dream of it. Honestly he would think I was having some kind of funny turn. Really think about your behaviour and your reasons for it. We had a couple of friends a few years back, wife was just like you. It drove him nuts. He eventually left her.

marilyn it's not an old friend, as pp has several times, it's a new thing.