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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 01/10/2015 14:47

Ah well, my DH and will continue to suffer in our controlling shitty relationship where we don't take other people out on dinner dates behind the other's back out of mutual respect and kindness.

JawannaDrink · 01/10/2015 17:43

says anyone with a dictionary.

Its not mutual respect and kindness when one person is saying I won;t allow you to do the thing you want to do.

MissBattleaxe · 01/10/2015 17:46

It is mutual respect and kindness when neither of us want to. We wouldn't dream of going on a dinner date with a friend of the opposite sex. In a group yes, alone no. It's not remotely controlling. It wouldn't occur to us to do it each other.

JawannaDrink · 01/10/2015 17:48

yes, but you're not the OP. So it's not relevant what you do. Keep up.

MissBattleaxe · 01/10/2015 17:53

Yes but whether she "lets" him or not- he shouldn't be bloody doing it anyway.

TheDowagerCuntess · 01/10/2015 17:56

And you're not the OP, so what you're willing to put up isn't relevant, either. Confused

Heelsdown · 01/10/2015 18:46

I've checked with the dictionary, and the Op is not controlling anything jawanna

She's waiting to see what happens, the opposite of control.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 04/10/2015 08:41

Thanks for all the latest replies, battleaxe you're a star thank you for wording how I feel so much better than I've done! Smile

There's no updates really, he still hasn't told me (yet) which hurts. I took another look at his messages and they're still going for dinner - he has today or tomorrow to tell me!

I have done a lot of thinking the last few days. I've read this whole thread over and over so many times.

This weekend we went out to celebrate our anniversary which was lovely and we ended up chatting about things. A couple of months ago we spoke about stuff as he seemed stressed with work. Turns out I massively underestimated at the time how stressed he was! Things have improved a lot since that chat.

From talking over the weekend he still feels down and bored with work which he says makes him want excitement in other areas of his life. This makes sense as he has started taking up clubs and hobbie classes since our chat 2 months ago!

So now I don't know what to do.

I'm now wondering whether it's actually worth "rocking the boat" by telling him how I feel about this meal? Or do I bite my tongue and say nothing hoping I can get over it? He's been so so lovely the last month more like his normal self before becoming stressed.

Of course if he doesn't tell me or if he lies I will say something. But if he does tell me, I'm tempted to just say "you know how I feel about this sort of stuff but I'm not gunna stop you from going".

I don't know what to do Sad

I'm worried this may break us. Mainly because he's just getting back to his usual happy self and I don't wanna do anything that could ruin that!

OP posts:
RattleAndRoll · 04/10/2015 10:52

I just read 'makes him want excitement in other areas of his life' as having a bit on the side. I could be wrong.

lostinnormandieland · 04/10/2015 13:06

Thanks for the update. He seems to be in a positive frame of mind. I just have 2 questions. Where is he in his life with you? What about excitement WITH you?

lampshady · 04/10/2015 14:16

I've read the thread and am astounded you checked his phone again instead of talking to him. That's really poor behaviour.

You sound increasingly distressed and I don't think you'll have your resolution until you own up to checking his phone and finding out about the dinner.

Fontella · 04/10/2015 14:17

The reason he may be 'getting back to his usual happy self' may be precisely because he's safe in the knowledge that he's got a bit of excitement on the cards in the shape of a secret dinner date with another woman - planned and arranged behind your back and as far as he is concerned, without your knowledge.

Information which he continues to keep very much to himself, despite his chats with you about the nature of your relationship, when he has had ample opportunity to tell you what he has planned.

I think you are remarkably restrained and patient OP giving him until the 11th hour to actually tell you himself that he is going on a date with another woman. If I was being unkind I would say 'gullible' in continuing to give him the benefit of the doubt.

His 'happy' disposition indicates that his duplicity doesn't seem to be troubling his conscience in any way, does it?

ForChina · 04/10/2015 14:20

He's given you a part-confession there (/excuse). He's looking for excitement - that's why he's excitedly planning his date with another woman. Please don't be naive enough to think that this is innocent.

He's not going to tell you and then when you bring it up he'll either blame you (because you kick off about this stuff for 'no reason') or he'll say he didn't think it was that big a deal, they're just friends blah blah.

Sansoora · 04/10/2015 14:30

This is all beginning to sound very ominous.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 04/10/2015 14:46

Well OP, as you live together, come Tuesday when he goes out, let's see what he tells you about where he is going and with whom. If he tells you the truth, then I think your planned response is perfect. If he lies, then I think you have a problem on your hands. It may be that there are more than just the two of them going out, and that Sarah is just the organiser. That would be ok with me. But if it's just the two of them, I think that's odd. Re these new hobbies he's taken up, can you be sure that he was actually doing them and not seeing Sarah instead?!

Greengardenpixie · 04/10/2015 16:50

Oh my! The comment - I don't wanna do anything that could ruin that!
For goodness sake, he is ruining that!!! Its not you, its him!
It's totally unacceptable. He is still going to dinner. He has not told you. If it was innocent, he would have no problem telling you. If the argument is that he is afraid you might react badly then he STILL shouldn't be going. If you dont raise it, the trust in your relationship will be eroded..for good. What if he does it again? What if he doesn't are you prepared to be constanly looking over your shoulder?
You need to talk to him. Dont leave it too late.

0dfod · 04/10/2015 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 04/10/2015 17:19

Thanks everyone.

He's given you a part-confession there (excuse) He's looking for excitement

I know what you're saying. Admittedly he also said pretty much the same thing 2 months ago so I'm not too worried about that.

Where is he in his life with you? What about excitement WITH you?

I asked him this many times. He does still love me etc. We do many things together and anything I wanna do he's always willing.

Re these new hobbies he's taken up, can you be sure that he was actually doing them and not seeing Sarah instead?!

The hobbies he's taken up involves a team of 5 guys and one of these is my cousin, so yeah he's there with them not Sarah Smile

If he lies, then I think you have a problem on your hands. It may be that there are more than just the two of them going out, and that Sarah is just the organiser. That would be ok with me. But if it's just the two of them, I think that's odd

I'm 99% sure it's just him and Sarah. No mention of anyone else even when I read the messages the other day.
If he doesn't tell me then I completely agree we have a big problem. I will just tell him my friend saw him with Sarah and I want to know why he's lied. I won't tell him about reading the messages unless he continues to lie.

greengardenpixie - I agree with everything you said I really do. And if he doesn't tell me I shall definitely be bringing it up. If he does tell me, as I said I'll just say "okay. You know I'm not okay with this but I'm not gunna stop you from going. Do whatever you wanna do" and if he still goes, then I will have a lot of thinking to do.

His 'happy' disposition indicates that his duplicity doesn't seem to be troubling his conscience in any way, does it?*

I get what you're saying and I hadn't really thought about that.
If he lies about where he's going then I will definitely be saying this to him.

I've read the thread and am astounded you checked his phone again instead of talking to him. That's really poor behaviour.
You sound increasingly distressed and I don't think you'll have your resolution until you own up to checking his phone and finding out about the dinner

Honestly I'm not that bothered I've checked his phone once let alone twice.
If I never saw that first message pop up to begin with I would be none the wiser about their plans. And if he does keep it to himself and lie about where he's going, I would still be a gullible fool. But I'm not, because I checked them.
I have never done it before in our relationship.

I don't see why I need to own up about checking his phone. If I have to then I will, but he's in the wrong here by so far hiding this from me. If he had told me from the beginning I would never of had a reason to check it.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 04/10/2015 17:20

You're entitled to feel the way you do and he's entitled to tell you he doesn't agree to those standards. He is not entitled to deceive and lie. That's far more serious.

bjrce · 04/10/2015 18:15

Do you know where they've planned to go for dinner, has it been stated in the texts or do they have a "usual place" , they all meet?

bjrce · 04/10/2015 18:17

In my mind, it looks like you might just get a call from him Tuesday evening and he'll state he just meeting Sarah for dinner, if this happens he's playing you lime a fiddle.

bjrce · 04/10/2015 18:18

Sorry, like a fiddle, he will try to make it look like it was no biggie, last minute thing!

BSites · 04/10/2015 18:34

I think the dinner is tomorrow, I'm getting nervous myself.

Lacoba66 · 04/10/2015 19:01

OP, how you have held your tongue for 8 days, I do not know!

I know that you said that he "normally lets me know the day before, or in the morning" but from what you have updated, he has had more correspondence with her since your original post, so why has he still not mentioned it? If it were me meeting a friend, then I would have mentioned it by now- out of courtesy to you if nothing else.

I wish you well.

Greengardenpixie · 04/10/2015 20:57

well i really hope everything goes well for you Flowers.
We all have your best interests at heart. I really hope he tells you everything before he is meant to be going out. Just a last thought that i had. What if he tells you that he is going out with her and a few mates as normal? Is there anything to indicate that this would be the case and that she is texting your dp about it or are the definelty going out for dinner on their own?