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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 29/09/2015 20:46

Fair enough Camaleon, point well made.

MissBattleaxe · 29/09/2015 20:47

Whilst I don't expect everyone to agree with me, each marriage is different, I think planning a date is every sort of wrong and I feel very sorry for the OP. I've seen "Sarahs" before.

ForChina · 29/09/2015 20:50

I'm totally on your side OP. I think it's wrong of your partner to be going on a one-to-one date with a female friend in these circumstances. I can understand dinners between long-term close friends of opposite sexes who are like brother/sister, but even in those cases I think it's prudent of the female friend to at least invite the wife along (and the wife can laugh and say 'No, no, you two will be talking about xyz all night I think I'll just put my feet up with Strictly thanks!' and everyone can feel comfortable with that.

I really hope, OP, that your partner thinks the better of this date that he has planned. It's not appropriate.

Greengardenpixie · 29/09/2015 21:24

Well why has he still not told you?
He is lying to you right now.
When is he supposed to be going to the meal?
I dont know how you can keep it to yourself tbh.

Greengardenpixie · 29/09/2015 21:26

If you say that its because you wont like it, he is not considering your feelings. He sounds like he has already agree to going hence the 'you choose'. I dont buy it that he just forgot and was going to tell you pitch.

whooshbangprettycolours · 29/09/2015 21:30

They are not old friends, but suddenly he's making time for her. Hmm, I'd be concerned too.

lostinnormandieland · 30/09/2015 22:50

has he told you yet?

JawannaDrink · 30/09/2015 23:13

I'm not controlling I just expect my boyfriend to do what I tell him and only see the people I let him see.

Sure, OP Hmm

Lovelydiscusfish · 01/10/2015 06:59

I absolutely stand behind my statement that OP imposing these restrictions on her partner is controlling.

My abusive ex restricted who I could socialise with, out of unfounded jealousy. He stopped me seeing my male friends. It was a way of controlling me. That relationship was devastating.

Because of my experiences, I abhor this sort of behaviour. I would strongly advise any friend of mine who had a partner who tried to stop then socialising with opposite sex friends, to refuse to comply, and to seriously question the relationship. Not to lie about it like OP's partner, though - I don't think that's good for anyone.

Joysmum · 01/10/2015 07:27

I absolutely stand behind my statement that OP imposing these restrictions on her partner is controlling

And I absolutely stand by my statement that people in relationships have the right to set their boundaries where they feel comfortable and their partner should either accept or move on, not lie.

I can't abide liars.

RattleAndRoll · 01/10/2015 08:09

I don't think I would be comfortable with this either OP. I think it's worse that you've both had the discussion and decided where your boundaries are and he's planning on crossing them. Even if he tells you, he's still arranged to do something you feel uncomfortable with. To me that's disrespectful.

MissBattleaxe · 01/10/2015 09:56

I absolutely stand behind my statement that OP imposing these restrictions on her partner is controlling.

I think that's victim blaming^^. It's like saying "he had to see her in secret because his wife wouldn't let him go on a date with her. It's his wife fault for being controlling."

I don't think that not wanting your partner to go on a date with somebody else is controlling. I think its normal.

JawannaDrink · 01/10/2015 10:02

Bollocks it is. Victim blaming? Stating its not ok to control what your partner is allowed to do is not victim blaming.

MissBattleaxe · 01/10/2015 10:03

My abusive ex restricted who I could socialise with, out of unfounded jealousy. He stopped me seeing my male friends. It was a way of controlling me. That relationship was devastating.

I'm really sorry for your past experience, but that's not the case here. The OP does not stop him seeing Sarah every week, nor does she insist on being invited on their men-only-except-for-Sarah evenings in and nights out. The DP and Sarah also text each other which the OP does not attempt to stop or control.

The bit the OP is uncomfortable with is the way they are arranging to go off piste without the others. It actually doesn't sound controlling at all otherwise he wouldn't be able to socialise with her at all or text her. It's very different from the scenario you have had.

MissBattleaxe · 01/10/2015 10:09

Bollocks it is. Victim blaming? Stating its not ok to control what your partner is allowed to do is not victim blaming.

In this context I think it is blaming her for her partner's secrecy. The OP is uncomfortable with it but this is being phrased as the "restrictions" that this "imposes". The poor DP is forced to keep it secret and the controlly OP shouldn't blame him for that?

The OP does not stop him socializing with or texting this woman, which he has never introduced her to. What he is doing is hurting the OP's feelings. Yet apparently she is in the wrong for "imposing restrictions".

It's important not to project previous experiences onto this situation. One size does not fit all. If the OP was that controlling he wouldn't be "allowed" to even be in touch with Sarah, so I don't think she's controlling at all.

0dfod · 01/10/2015 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JawannaDrink · 01/10/2015 10:20

Read the OP. She clearly states that she doe not want him meeting or spending time with any other woman unless in a group, and expects him to do as he is told. The stuff about him lying comes later.
If this was a man stating he didn't want his wife talking to men, and she did and lied about it, there is no way you;d all be blaming her for doing so, you'd be calling him an abusive controlling cunt.
Double standards. Women are "victims" even though they are the ones being controlling in the first place. I find that pretty insulting, having a vagina doesn't automatically make one the injured party.

FredaMayor · 01/10/2015 11:45

JD (@ 10:20) I believe you have misread what OP has written. 'Doing as he is told' is not the same as of 'reaching a mutual understanding' - would you not agree? OP's issue here is about DP not adhering to their understanding, and I do believe that it's not a gender issue, because if the genders were reversed the same would hold or apply for many people within relationships. It's only common sense isn't it?

OP, it seems that several posters on this thread who are in relationships feel is their given right to see whoever they wish and defend their position to you vigorously, and indeed they are free do so, but your relationship is what it is and you have the right to hold to your standards as you understand them to be between you and DP.

I hope this turns out well for you, and that it is no more than a bit of relationship immaturity on the part of your DP.

JawannaDrink · 01/10/2015 11:49

except they clearly did not reach a mutual understanding, as he did not agree with what she wanted.

It's all nonsense anyway. Either you trust your partner not to fuck anyone else or you don't. If you do, you don't need to tell them who they can't see, and you shouldn't be together anyway. So its all one big moot point.
If the only way your relationship works is to have rules about who you;re allowed to spend time with, you have a shitty relationship.

0dfod · 01/10/2015 12:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Heelsdown · 01/10/2015 12:34

I wouldn't much fancy sitting at home, whist my DP has a dinner date with this particular "friend", and their newly acquired wanting to be alone stance.

Some may think that's controlling, I think it's sensible.

MissBattleaxe · 01/10/2015 12:59

Jawanna, you sound incredibly angry.

I think there's a wide spectrum between being controlling and not liking your partner taking other women out on dinner dates. What works for some couples doesn't work for others, that doesn't mean their relationship is "shit".

JawannaDrink · 01/10/2015 13:14

I'm not remotely angry. How odd of you to think you can guess strong emotions from text Hmm

There really isn't a spectrum. The OP does not allow her partner to be alone with other women. That is controlling, end of story.

And yes, if you don't trust your partner to spend time with other people without fucking them, you do indeed have a shit relationship. You can try and complicate and pontificate all you like, but its really quite simple.

Heelsdown · 01/10/2015 13:21

Jawanna "That is controlling, end of story* Says who?

WhySoAngry · 01/10/2015 13:23

Jawanna: I'm not remotely angry I'M NOT REMOTELY ANGRY OKAY!?!