DP going for dinner with friend

[Lawler123]

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

Ok fair enough camaleon. It would make me uncomfortable too.

However, I do think that many posters have alighted on the conversation she had early in their relationship about not having dinner with other women and almost "blamed" her for the DP's secrecy.

I also think the DP will say at some point "I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't like it" to excuse his shifty inappropriate behavior.

I feel sorry for the OP and can understand why she feels so excluded. I don't think it's her fault for being what some are calling "possessive", I think he's taking the piss.

To be honest, I don't think this relationship of 3 years can last. Partner lying about what seems an innocent date because he knows is against the rules he has theoretically agreed to. OP snooping despite believing nothing sexual is going on but still testing whether he will 'come clean' which would still result in an argument about breaking the rules.

There is no trust there, no compatibility concerning very basic values, no common moral radar and 'traps' set up to see who fails into them first.

My only advice would be: don't have children if you have not had them yet.

..falls...

But I think she's completely reasonable to say what she's uncomfortable with early on in a relationship. I don't think she thinks its sexual, but it is intimacy that she is clearly excluded from. Intimacy that is IMO incompatible with a LTR.

I don't think the poor DP has been forced to go secret because of "rules" and "traps" I think he is 100% in the wrong and taking the piss.

A tensed situation. A great test of trust. Let's hope he is open about it!

OP, I think you should confront him before the event or you'll be in bits. It's him who needs to explain himself, not you.

Ok. Here goes...... married for over 40 years ( might not be relevant ) but if this was me I would be very uncomfortable with the situation and would make that clear to my partner. Personally I think he's taking the piss and probably enjoys the fact that he has his bit on the side ( with or without sexual favours ) and a partner at home who is being kept on her toes ! I would never , never place 100% trust in anyone , let alone a man who is meeting up with another female " friend " behind my back ! Tell him you know about it , have a bloody good row if you have to. Don't be walking on eggshells about something so important in your relationship. He also can't then justify his sneaking around by saying he didn't realise you felt so strongly about it. His type will always be able to justify his behaviour.
It upsets you , you don't think it's right , it's not right for you ... so do something about it or you'll spend days worrying away at it and being unhappy. Life's too short.

Well said 4seasons. I've been married ten years and my DH and I both think this would be crossing the line. Neither of us are controlling or possessive but we can spot pisstaking and that's what the DP is doing.

Thank you again for all the replies! I've had a few days to think about things. He is still his usual loveable self and in all honesty there are moments when I completely forget what I know.

camaleon - I don't think men and women should only have dinners if they're in a sexual relationship I don't understand where you've got that from. I have had dinners with male friends in the past when we've both been single and not up to anything sexual.

I admit that I would be a little uncomfortable with my DP going for dinners with another woman however if this was something they had always done then obviously the issue would be MY issue - I would be able to tell myself to get over it get a grip and their dinner dates were nothing more than friendly because they'd always had them. However that is not the case here. In this situation, this girl who sees him weekly has all of a sudden asked only him out for dinner? Seeing him in a group isn't enough. She wants him on his own, just those two. Why?

missbattleaxe - thank you for your replies, they're comforting to read! I'm clearly not considered a cool girlfriend but that's fine by me.

I have spoken to a few people irl and the advice is very similar to here.

You are showing a huge amount of restraint. Why are you so afraid of confronting the issue head on

It's not that I'm afraid of confronting it all. It's hard to explain. I don't want to accuse him of keeping things secret when he may still tell me. He usually tells me the day before/that morning if he's doing anything after work. If I ask him now why he hasn't told me about this dinner then he can/probably will just say he was gunna tell me nearer the time.
I fully agree that he should've told me when it was first arranged, and in all honesty the whole situation has left me confused and my mind all over the place! I've never had to feel like this in our relationship before and it's knocked me so for that reason I do want to see if he will be upfront and honest and tell me himself without being probed into telling me. He should come up to me and say "hey lawyer, me and Sarah are going for a catch up over dinner on Tuesday I thought I should let you know". I shouldn't have to ask him to make plans with me for him to be honest.

What will you do if he doesn't tell you and lies? Saying something like oh were are having a boys night (on the date of his 'date)

This scenario has been through my head so many times! I'll just either tell him I know he's lying and that we have a big problem and if he has any respect for me and our relationship he wouldn't go for the dinner and come home to sort these issues out instead. OR I would say nothing, let him go to this meal, and once he's home just tell him I saw them together and I want to know why he's lying about his whereabouts. I think the second option would be so much harder though, knowing that not only had he kept it from me all this time but he's gone to the effort of lying. I also think the second option is probably more game playing and I could really do without it! Again I've never had to do all this before so it feels so childish having to do all that.

Thank you 4seasons. Glad I'm not alone.

me and Sarah are going for a catch up over dinner on Tuesday I thought I should let you know in the event of him saying something like this I would still wonder why a catch up is necessary when they see each other every week. To be honest I think that whether he tells you or not, its inappropriate to make such an arrangement.

It's not about whether he's "allowed" to, it's more about why he's going and why they want to be alone without the others.

I would, if I was your DP, never have accepted the edict you placed in the first place about no dinners with opposite sex friends. I would find this unacceptably controlling.
However, as your DP did accept it, he shouldn't really be going behind your back. I understand why his deceit has upset you. It would be better if he confronted you openly about how (we must assume) he really feels about the restrictions in place.
I hope you manage to resolve this, OP. Good luck.

battleaxe I completely agree with what you just said! If he tells me I can at least take comfort in the fact he hasn't lied and has been honest with me. I would then still tell him if he had any respect for the relationship he would come home for a discussion instead of going for that dinner. The fact he's already agreed to it despite knowing how I feel tells me we clearly need to talk!

If he feels as if going for dinners with this woman is worth our relationship then I would rather know. It would hurt so so much to think he's willing to throw away our 3 years together for the odd dinner with her, something they have never done.

Or that you are throwing away 3 years relationship for a dinner with a friend you don't think is anything else but a friend. Perhaps speaking to him now rather than 'testing' him would be the way to go.

Camaleon - it really isn't a test! Like I've said so many times he usually tells me his plans the day before/that morning. What's the point in questioning him now and asking why he hasn't told me, when chances are he will do what he usually does and tell me that morning?
By confronting him now before he's even lied/hidden anything I'm just creating issues!

You already have big issues with this Lawler. It is not a 'regular' thing you are happy with. Whatever way this goes, you should perhaps properly picture it in your mind. There are so many reasons I would want to see a friend in private: a job interview I would need help with, a family problem, a broken heart... and he cannot tell you about any of these without admitting he is having dinner with a woman. It is an issue. This is not how healthy relationships work and I don't think it is going to end well for any of you.

Well then she can call him can't she? Or she can ask him when she usually sees him once a week. Or, she could ask someone else that she's actually close to! They're not close enough for her to speak to him about those sort of personal problems.

But the fact is they aren't that close friends! They only ever see each other when the others are around. They can go months and months without talking. But now she's living with a mutual friend she sees him once a week but suddenly that's not enough for her, and she now wants dinner alone with him.

If you think me being unhappy about the above makes our relationship unhealthy then you are more than welcome to that opinion.

MNers usually tell you to take notice of your spidey senses, or go with your gut instincts. Good advice in this situation OP, something doesn't sit well with you.

It would be far more suspicious if this was arranged in their weekly meeting and avoiding 'texts' in my own life. There is no way on earth my partner would leave any written evidence on any wrongdoing (and I know how he sees this on his normal professional life, his open computer/ipad/iphone) If my partner was trying anything behind my back I would not find evidence in electronic media. But this is your life. I have just expressed my opinion in a public forum and I would never wait for Monday to let this one blow off if I wanted my relationship to work.

Camaleon - if you read the relationship posts on here you will see how many cheaters get caught because their partners have found texts, messages, phone bill records etc.

I do care about my relationship thank you very much so. Which is why I'm not gunna accuse him of hiding things when he still has every opportunity of telling me.

You wouldn't accuse a shopper of stealing something before they've even got out the shop, would you?

Cameleon - to be fair, the main way cheaters get caught is via messages sent text and other electronic media.

This is so routine in the cheating script as to be banal.

Lawler As I've said before, I like the sound of you. I would feel exactly the same as you in this situation. In a relationship there is one who loves more/is the more honest partner. I've been the least honest partner ie the shitty one. That feels bad to confess. If you had made these arrangements then I'm sure your DP would have been devastated. This woman is trying to trigger a catalyst where you break up. I'm sure of it. If you want to keep him then play it cool. Confusing post- I just want to help. Honestly I think you deserve more. You sound great.

The thing is OP, from what you said, they meet up weekly with a group, you came on here last Saturday looking for advice, so if they all meet say on a Friday night, tomorrows Wed. when are they planning to meet up?

Also, be very wary of him, if they are planning to meet up on Thursday for ie, he might just "let you know" the morning of, as if it was something just happened.

when are they due to meet up for this dinner?

Because, I could possibly understand, if the " meeting for dinner" was for the next evening, but is appears as if they dinner is planned way ahead, so this adds a lot of suscipicion.

I would, if I was your DP, never have accepted the edict you placed in the first place about no dinners with opposite sex friends. I would find this unacceptably controlling.

Not fair to blame the OP for being controlling. She was saying what would make her uncomfortable. It makes me really cross when posters effectively say "Oh he had to keep it a secret because his controlly partner wouldn't let him otherwise".

He shouldn't be doing it anyway- not because she is wrong not to "let" him but because its disrespectful and hurtful!

What I would find unacceptable is my partner/husband taking another woman out to a restaurant one evening when he's never introduced me to her and sees her once a week and also texts her! Now THAT'S unacceptable- not a woman telling her partner she wouldn't like it!

There are so many reasons I would want to see a friend in private: a job interview I would need help with, a family problem, a broken heart...-

so why arrange it for nine days time if its such a personal crisis?

I don't know Missbattleaxe.. nothing on this relationship seems right to me. I would not stay with a man who does this, nor will I be waiting until Monday to check it out.

In my world it is wrong to schedule a date with a friend behind my partner's back. It is also wrong to check his phone and keep to myself what I have found out until I can 'catch him' or let him prove himself to be reliable. It is my point of view, not a universal truth.