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Original poster

DP going for dinner with friend

485 replies

Lawler123 · 26/09/2015 09:37

At the beginning of our 3 year relationship when discussing boundaries I told my DP I wasn't comfortable with the idea of him going out for dinner with female friends. Some people would be okay with it but I'm just not.

In my DP's friendship group they have this friend who we will call Sarah. I know the guys all find her attractive and very hands on. I recently found out that another girlfriend isn't comfortable with her. I should also mention I have never met 'Sarah' mainly because she travels away lot.

Anyway the other evening DP and I were cuddling and his phone was charging next to me when Sarah text him. I didn't open the message but it was on the screen. Basically she was saying she wasn't fussed and he could pick. It's been on my mind since.

This morning curiosity got the better of me and I read the full text. Cut a long story short, she asked him out for dinner next week and he replied saying he would love to.

Now I know she quite often does dinner with her other male friends so really my issue isn't with her (though I am annoyed she asked!).

Thing is 2 years ago DP arranged a dinner with Sarah's close friend but I spoke to him and he never went. Turns out this girl was crazy and caused a load of issues for us.

But why is he still doing things when he knows how uncomfortable I am with it??

I don't know what to do. I only know because I snooped. I don't even know if he's going to tell me I'll have to wait and see. Ofc if he doesn't we have an even bigger problem but regardless of whether he tells me or not he's still doing something he knows I don't like.

I don't think there's anything to it, as I say she often goes out for dinners with male friends. But none of the other guys (who are in relationships) in their friendship group go out for dinner with just her!

I know people will probably think I'm unreasonable but I can only go with how I feel, and I don't feel comfortable.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lawler123 · 27/09/2015 11:33

That bit to catpuke was about the old friend, not 'Sarah'

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 27/09/2015 11:36

I think a good step forward would be to meet this girl yourself. You seem quite uncomfortable with the situation in general, I think the dinner thing is a bit of a red herring.

MissBattleaxe · 27/09/2015 11:46

Probably! If he doesn't say anything what other reason could he have to give me that would explain him not telling me? And what could I say back to that?

You ask if you can meet her, even just once, or you ask why he is doing something that is upsetting for you. Is dinner with Sarah more important than not hurting you? I mean FGS he sees her every bloody week and they're in touch via text message, I can think of no innocent reason why she needs him alone for a dinner "just the two of them".

To be honest I think she's bloody rude to ask someone else's partner out on a date behind his partner's back. He's rude to accept.

Heelsdown · 27/09/2015 11:50

He's being devious now, even if he tells you before the actual date.

You're feelings are valid. Be wary, she is not a friend of your relationship.

loveyoutothemoon · 27/09/2015 12:00

I'm really sorry but it really does sound like they are all having a bit with her (or want to).

Original poster
Lawler123 · 27/09/2015 12:25

Battleaxe - that's the thing I have several male friends but I would never invite them out for a one to one meal! Not just because I wouldn't want to but also out of respect for their partners, even more so if I was single.

I do trust him. But I'm not naive. I'm not saying either of them have any intentions but let's be honest it usually starts like this, doesn't it? "Friendly" meals out, helping that person with something blah blah blah. I would rather have my back up now than regret it in 6 months time.

They all find her attractive which is fine, it's natural to find other people good looking.
But I'm not the only gf who feels uncomfortable about her. Not because they find her attractive, but because of some of the behaviour.. And I don't think suddenly inviting my DP out for a dinner together is okay behaviour?

Thank you to everybody who has replied to this thread. It's good to get different perspectives. I will probably update once this day comes or if anything is said by him.

OP posts:
Catpuke · 27/09/2015 12:28

"When DP and I got together she admitted she liked him, he knocked her back"

I'm guessing DP told you that.

Were you with your DP when she was calling him in tears?

"After she gave me abuse in the pub my DP along with a few others said they'd never seen her like that before."

That's what I mean, she acted completely out of character. Doesn't add up.

As long as you're sure that DP couldn't have nipped off to the bog at any point to send you those messages (again, the timing is convenient) and there's no way he could have known the info in the messages, then he's probably in the clear on that one...

Otherwise, it might be worth googling abuse/triangulation just to make sure it doesn't ring any bells.

derxa · 27/09/2015 12:33

No matter what other posters say, she's not to be trusted. Your DP hasn't covered himself in glory either. It looks like they all fancy her and it's turned into a competition. Not saying he would do anything though.
To be honest I think you should say to yourself, 'I'm the prize'. Don't lower yourself to fight for him. Bet you could have anyone.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 27/09/2015 12:42

Catpuke - honestly there's no way it was my DP. I was getting messages when he was sat next to me. She confessed she liked him over the phone not knowing I was there, so yeah I know what he said. I was also there when she called in tears blaming me for things I weren't capable of doing! They had always been friends until we got together and they saw a different side to her.

Thanks derxa - confidence boost Wink I think at one point they've all had a strong attraction towards her and she definitely knows it. She's very hands on with them all, which is 1 reason why another gf isn't her biggest fan.

we shall see.

OP posts:
Catpuke · 27/09/2015 13:12

In that case i'm probably projecting, Lawler. The dynamic between your DP and these women just seemed familiar. I had an abusive ex who used to pull this kind of stuff on me all the time - took me years to finally work out what was going on.

Original poster
Lawler123 · 27/09/2015 13:23

I understand. I'm glad you figured things out, you're worth so much more!

OP posts:
Catpuke · 27/09/2015 14:05

Thanks Lawler. Was getting a bit carried away with the DP theory there! I wasn't meaning to question your judgement. Sorry about that. It must have been a really stressful time for you.

MissBattleaxe · 27/09/2015 21:09

Lawler, I would ask him outright about it- say you saw the last few words of the text. Either that or ask him out to dinner the same night he's going with her and see what he says.

Personally if a partner was keeping secret dinners with attractive women a secret from me, I would be having serious thoughts about continuing the relationship. I just asked DH what he would think if I was planning an evening meal alone with a male friend he'd never met and he said he wouldn't be happy at all and wouldn't dream of doing it to me.

There may be many cool wives out there who wouldn't mind, but that doesn't mean you have to like it just because they would.

happyclappy123 · 27/09/2015 21:35

It always amazes me how different single women have different boundaries to what's acceptable with married men. I have a close male friend who is married and has several single female friends (we work in a female dominated industry). If I meet him alone it's for a coffee or a pint, things I could imagine him doing with male friends. I'd never invite him round my house for dinner (i'm single too) yet at least 3 of his other female friends do that (without inviting his wife). I always have at the back of my mind that he is someone's husband but maybe others don't think like that.

pictish · 27/09/2015 21:37

OP all I can say is trust your instinct. If he owns up closer to the time, it's all cool. If he lies about his whereabouts that night, you have your answer.

I started reading this thread think you wbvu, but as it has gone on I don't think yabu at all actually.

Don't let on and see what he does is my advice.

bjrce · 27/09/2015 22:15

OK, just saw your updates op, you know shesynot to be trusted, also I don't understand why you are not having the discussion with your boyfriend re both the text and his reply?
You are showing a huge amount of restraint. Why are you so afraid of confronting the issue head on. You so obviously need to watch your back with this girl. Also, if I were in your situation I would be making an appearance to the next few weekly meet ups, just to let her know the score

TheDowagerCuntess · 27/09/2015 23:45

I'm with pictish - I started the thread thinking YWBU, but now I don't.

These threads never go well.

People fixate blinkeredly on the basic issue, i.e. 'can men and women just be friends'? and are seemingly utterly unable to look beyond that, at the nuances in the OP's actual situation.

You see it every time, and it's big fat happening on this thread, too.

OP - you know your own situation better than anyone, and you know your own boundries. Good luck.

MissBattleaxe · 28/09/2015 11:06

I agree Dowager. The man is basically going on a date behind his wife's back and the wife gets flamed for not liking it. It's madness.

0dfod · 28/09/2015 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Duckdeamon · 29/09/2015 10:51

Why are you dripfeeding information?

Are you going to say something to him or not?

camaleon · 29/09/2015 11:11

TheDowagercuntess, I would say it is normal for people to 'fixate' on the general topic of male and female friendship if the OP starts with a general statement against it. She is, for whatever reason, uncomfortable with his DP going out for dinner with ANY woman. She would never go out with her male friends as a sign of 'respect'.

I have two close male friends, since I was 12. We go out for dinner (the 3 of us, or 2 of us) from time to time. On many more occasions we also have our partners and kids with us. We all get along fine.

My husband has countless dinners with female friends and colleagues. I don't distinguish between them being male or female. Nothing is 'off'. I don't have a general rule against it as the OP has (and I find rarely strange to think that you can have a friendship as long as it does not involved food). I have once disliked one of his female friends who made me feel jealous. I said it and it was immediately removed from the picture. It is difficult to know if there is really something here or whether the OP is generally paranoid with other women (which would also result on her DP hiding things and behaving weird)

camaleon · 29/09/2015 11:12

Apologies for all the typos... typing on a Spanish computer doing all kind of strange things with autocorrect

chrome100 · 29/09/2015 12:09

You sound quite jealous and possessive, hence why your DP feels he has to lie I am not condoning mendacity, but you really can't lay down the law like that about who he is friends with.

MissBattleaxe · 29/09/2015 12:53

chrome- have you read the thread? The DP already sees this woman every week and they exchange text messages. In three years he has never introduced them. They are now arranging a date behind her back. How on earth is that the OP's fault?

camaleon · 29/09/2015 13:02

MissBattleaxe,
I have myself read the full thread and if I was her partner I may be hiding a friendship that I know she would disapprove of, because my friend is of the opposite sex. She has a general principle against it. She has laid her rules without considering if they were conflicting with previous friendships. She believes women and men should not have dinner together unless involved in a sexual relationship. This particular female friend seems to belong to a group of friends who have regular contact. She seems to be a party of her husband's life before the OP entered it.

I would feel incredibly uncomfortable with my husband doing this behind my back. I would also tell a friend to be very wary of a partner who has general opinions on who you should be friends with and whether or not friendship can involve a dinner or only a beer. It is difficult to trust your gut regarding a particular friendship when you are worried about all the women of the world.