soulmates...

[oldplasticbag]

Just need a bit of …. support, encouragement, sympathy.

I am just turned fifty and six months ago bravely marched online to try and find a match.

I knew it would be hard. But this hard?

All the obvious: men my age, if they are gracious, may deign to date a woman their own age. But generally their top limit is five years younger.

In e mail conversations I’ve asked a few of them about this, and they explain their age range by saying that they look and feel much younger than they are.

But we ALL think we feel and look much younger than we are. That doesn't make us any younger.

I have been on one date. It was pleasant. He was attractive and interesting. He asked to see me again. And then… Nothing. Just quiet. Tumble weed.

Another one was meant to take me out this weekend. Initial contact, a few texts, an ‘I’ll get back to you tomorrow message’. Then nothing.

I have taken to randomly 'liking' on the website to see if anyone likes me back (no).

I even write messages. Not needy messages - as by this stage I don’t really give a f* - but more for the masochistic pleasure of seeing how rude people can be.

Two nice men wrote back and said thanks but no thanks.

The rest just ignore the messages.

The remainder of the time, apart from a few likes by 60 pluses, it’s as quiet as a sound proofed room.

No activity.

Nothing.

My middle aged currency makes me count for nothing.

I may not be the best looking woman in the world, and I certainly feel pretty grubby after six months of this, but I’m OK, and happy and healthy, with a good career and income.

What is it? What am I doing wrong?

How long can I keep up this resilience? In the not too distance future I’m going to start feeling sorry for myself.

I already feel like I’m propping up a crumbling inside.

I think it’s particularly hard as I haven’t had a boyfriend for a decade since splitting up with my ex-husband. It took courage to sign up online but it’s like waiting for months to get into a great party and then discovering that no one else has turned up. Or they’re all in the VIP section and you’re not invited.

Any advice/wisdom?

You have been proactive in messaging them, so just carry on. Men shouldnt always make the first move - even though we are used to it

Good luck

I don't think you're doing anything wrong per se. It's a bit of a cliche but a lot of men on these sites seem to think they're entitled to something ten/twenty years younger. It's a peculiar attitude, especially, as you say, we all feel younger than we are.

I was single for a few years after a long term relationship ended and I just never got on with online dating. I found it profoundly depressing. Men either seemed incredibly bitter after divorces and like they hated women, or they (despite being, frankly, not exactly Adonis material) had decided that only something ten years younger and supermodel esque would do. None seemed particularly keen on a moderately attractive, intelligent, independent career woman. They seemed to have rather twisted views on what they were entitled to. And I do mean entitled to. Very odd.

That was just my experience of course - I do have friends who have married from it but for me, it just didn't work.

I honestly think that the best way to meet someone is to expand your social circle of both sexes or to join some activity or become involved in a group. I personally found online dating pretty grim, but when I've met people before it's been via things like sports/hiking/local geographical society that has interesting speakers/local conservation group that has regular meets to rip up invasive plants, etc.

It is difficult to meet people after those sweet spots like university/new career etc. That's why I say expand your social circle - you're much more likely to meet someone nice because Julie from the conservation group thinks her cousin would be perfect for you than online.

What site did you join? Maybe it's time to branch out and sign up to few others.

Check out the "Step inside it's the Dating Thread 92!" on this board for handy tips and heartfelt commiserations

It does seem the way of it. I had a run in with another poster the other day over age issues. I was in a marriage with a woman 20 years younger and i implied that a woman from 40 to 55 odd not note the odd might be on the radar for the next relationship she didn't, shall we say, agree with that;!.

I'm now 64 but the age range could be from 40 odd to 50 odd even 60 something if the was sufficient attraction to hang it together.

Can you say what websites you have been on because one of them Plenty OF Fish struck me as a god awful place the women were very suspicious of everyone and the men seemed they just wanted a quick wham bam set-up and were married . It seemed a sort of desperate place there's got to be something better surely?.

As to interest groups I'm involved in Two but seem to attracts all male and a very few ladies and those who are there are married anyway makes me wonder just how you find anyone these days!.

I'd hardly thought that 50 is old these days !.

Just - Do you really think most single women who are 40 odd would consider going out with you? Why would you only possibly consider a woman who is even 60 something - even though that's the same age as you?

I am in my 40s and met a lovely man online 2 years ago who is a couple of years younger than me who luckily didn't have these weird age hangups. There is no way on earth I'd have looked at someone your age. Though I did get contacted by quite a few older men. I can't imagine any of my friends who are my age dating someone in their 60s (or possibly even their 50s).

OP - I think some men (and women) doing OLD are just plain deluded. But there are normal men out there. I'm sure you're not doing anything wrong. Would it be worth trying another site?

Good luck OP

A few of my friends have married or formed LTRs with people they have met online.

They have used the following strategy:
Add to favourites a large amount of people that vaguely Interest you (up to 200, cast your net wide at this stage)
If people favourite you back (usually about a quarter of those you added to favs), send them a short, bland message
Of those that message you back, arrange to meet for a drink asap. Don't get involved in long discussions online as it's a waste of time
Once you have met for a drink, keep it casual and get to know the people as friends. Date lots of people at the same time and keep it light and casual
Once you feel attraction growing for one person, be honest and don't mess the others around
In the meantime use meetup and other group events to meet people too
Ignore the many creeps you will meet online, don't let it affect you emotionally and three it over your shoulder

This strategy worked for many of my friends, good luck I hope it works for you too.

OK cupid asked all male daters what age is the perfect women.

All men regardless of age, said 20! What the actual fuck. This subject has come up many times its blows my mind some guys think a 20-30 year old wants to date someone 20 odd years older them.

The majority of those guys are utterly deluded......... probably divorced, kids, really they feel some entitlement in terms of a new Young partner.

I'm a guy early 40s who has done plenty of online dating ,I used the site you mention, I set my parameters at 37-43, mainly because I don't have children and the majority of women have kids by their early 40s'.

The youngest I dated was 35 I honestly don't think Id have anything in common with anyone in their twenties.......I would have dated older if the women and I seemed compatible!

I did meet plenty of women on various dating sites had some short six month relationships there are lovely women and men available. It is both time and emotion consuming anytime it makes you feel shit its time to take a break.

Op, Soulmates is very London centric, it has lulls summer time being one of them.

Justa aren't you doing exactly what the OP is complaining about you're just posted you wanna date a 40 year old women.

Being quite honest you're at very different life stages you're about to retire she's at the top of her game, career wise. Too me its a complete miss-match.

''I'm now 64 but the age range could be from 40 odd to 50 odd even 60 something if the was sufficient attraction to hang it together.''

Why the ''even 60 something if there was sufficient attraction''?

IF there was sufficient attraction?!

If you think you'll struggle to find anything attractive about a woman your own age, why are you thinking a woman 20 years younger than you will look at you twice?!

I must be boring! I've recently divorced and not even expecting to meet anyone.. anymore. At almost 50 I've had my fun. I know I look young and can still turn some heads (old heads mind you and really not interested in those) but maybe it's just easier not to even try. I won't.

Good luck to you! I admire you!

Jesus Christ justaboy you would only barely consider dating a woman your own age, and your preferred range is 20 years younger, why? What makes men think they are so special that they deserve to date women 20 years younger than them and will barely look at women their own age? Do you think you look 40 or 50 something?!

ChooChooLaverne EponasWildDaughter

Perhaps i could have put that better, lets say of an age perhaps from forty something 50 something 60 something its for me NOT that critical. I'd much prefer someone who I had some interests with and a connection there. I did have a long marriage with a much younger woman a 20 year gap that lasted 19 years and we spilt not to do with age but other matters which neither of us could do anything about. For the avoidance of doubt I do NOT need a bimbo on my arm to make me feel good/ better/ whatever!

I suppose bimbo will offend someone somewhere what's the old saying for that arm candy was it?.

Just - I still think you're a bit deluded. What about a woman of 70 something then if you're happy for such a big age range and age is NOT that critical? Or, silly me, does it only work the other way around?

I would not have anything in common with most men of 60 something (or 20 something for that matter) and would have NO interest in dating them.

And (if I was single) I can't imagine wanting to start a relationship with someone nearing retirement. Who in 10 years' time would be in his 70s while I'd be in my 50s. Like, my dad's age now. Ewww.

ChooChooLaverne Point taken re 70 what about 80 or higher;!.

Seriously just a question. Suppose that there was someone who you felt strongly about, the ticked all your boxes, was all that you ever wanted but he was say that that much older what you be the deal-breaker age gap be that you would tolerate or rather accept?.

FWIW I can't be arsed with retirement that's just boring, too busy happy doing what I'm doing:)

God, old . you have to be so brave to do it. I'm nowhere near brave enough.

It seems to me there is something about old that feeds into something in the male psyche that is plain DAZZLED by all those available women, so said men have no hope of focusing on just one woman bcs omg all those women! I have to try them all out!. Kids in a sweetshop type of thing.

Just - I can't imagine any circumstance in which I would have met this much older man to feel so strongly about because when I was doing OLD I would have ruled out anyone that far away from my own age - in either direction - because I just wouldn't be interested.

For me it's more important to have similar references having grown up around the same time, growing up with the same music, TV, etc. and just having more in common.

OP - sorry for sidetracking but there are lovely men out there - good luck!

I'm 41. 64 is two years younger than my Dad. I would NOT date anyone that age. Not one of my friends my age would date someone in their sixties. That is the age of our parents, for the most part.

Hate to say it, Just, but you got very lucky with your ex. Don't be delusional enough to believe it will happen again, especially while you're writing off women your own age.

You come across as a bit...icky, tbh.

Well I see in the car park of our local Waitrose girls in brand new range rovers, the occasional Bentley and porsche married to landowners, farmers etc where there is a fair old age gap, even know one couple shes around mid/late 40's he must be 70!.

I suppose that fact that he's worth the best part of 110 million quid might have turned her head somewhat;!.

Sure you do.

LilacSpunkMonkey Please take it from me that 40 is waay too young for me now.

justaboy you really would go up to a woman four years younger than you, if she was special. Thanks, but I'm busy that day.

just to add my tuppence ha'pworth, i think attraction is very much to do with the individual involved... i was with someone my own age for the best part of three decades, it ended and i now find myself free for the first time in my adult life, but sadly past the age of stopping cars/turning heads .

i'm like the poster above who says they're out of the game forever (shoelovingfinn) but would say that i've been struck by the idea that i don't have a type/can make my own rules and that i can find people attractive for no reason at all - which happens to include someone who is significantly older than me.

i'd never dream of OLD, nor of dating a married man, but i do think that where there is a meeting of minds, age really doesn't matter at all.

i hope everyone on here eventually finds their lobster

Ava Shame that will be then. Still me mum always said whatever will be will be whatever that someone is!.

Anyway anyone have any practical suggestions for the OP at all?

rubybricks A very well reasoned comment there:)

At 40, I'm out of the game forever. I became single at 37, and the men I've met ssince just aren't interested enough in me because I'm not young, slin or pretty enough for them.

It makes me sad to think that I'll never be loved now.

But what can you do.

It would seem that my biggest issue is that I would only realistically consider a man aged 39-45.

I went out with a 46yo when I was 38. It was a mistake. He was like an old man! Too big a gap.

I look and feel much younger than 40 ()