soulmates...

[oldplasticbag]

Just need a bit of …. support, encouragement, sympathy.

I am just turned fifty and six months ago bravely marched online to try and find a match.

I knew it would be hard. But this hard?

All the obvious: men my age, if they are gracious, may deign to date a woman their own age. But generally their top limit is five years younger.

In e mail conversations I’ve asked a few of them about this, and they explain their age range by saying that they look and feel much younger than they are.

But we ALL think we feel and look much younger than we are. That doesn't make us any younger.

I have been on one date. It was pleasant. He was attractive and interesting. He asked to see me again. And then… Nothing. Just quiet. Tumble weed.

Another one was meant to take me out this weekend. Initial contact, a few texts, an ‘I’ll get back to you tomorrow message’. Then nothing.

I have taken to randomly 'liking' on the website to see if anyone likes me back (no).

I even write messages. Not needy messages - as by this stage I don’t really give a f* - but more for the masochistic pleasure of seeing how rude people can be.

Two nice men wrote back and said thanks but no thanks.

The rest just ignore the messages.

The remainder of the time, apart from a few likes by 60 pluses, it’s as quiet as a sound proofed room.

No activity.

Nothing.

My middle aged currency makes me count for nothing.

I may not be the best looking woman in the world, and I certainly feel pretty grubby after six months of this, but I’m OK, and happy and healthy, with a good career and income.

What is it? What am I doing wrong?

How long can I keep up this resilience? In the not too distance future I’m going to start feeling sorry for myself.

I already feel like I’m propping up a crumbling inside.

I think it’s particularly hard as I haven’t had a boyfriend for a decade since splitting up with my ex-husband. It took courage to sign up online but it’s like waiting for months to get into a great party and then discovering that no one else has turned up. Or they’re all in the VIP section and you’re not invited.

Any advice/wisdom?

justaboy I had a deal breaker age. He was absolutely amazing, met at a very posh house party and I felt incredible attraction to him but he is extraordinary, Olympic committee sort. I was 26 but he was 30 years older than me. We started boxing together twice a week but two months in I knew it wouldn't be a fling but more so I walked away. even though he sent me Anais Nin to read.

I was lovelorn for a while, and still hold a torch, but the fact that he would be 71 now is reason enough. he had a 6 pack though, swoon

There you go, you could have said "a much younger woman".

My then H started his exit affair when he was 48 and the OW 23. Apparently, I was old, no longer sexually attractive and boring. This despite the fact that, until the cancer got me, frequently, when we were out together, people thought I was his daughter. (I was also 48.) We divorced 3 years ago, exH all the time saying that we didn't need to divorce, we could have a "different" kind of marriage, housesharing while he "did his own thing"; because I was still his soulmate, etc.

Two years ago, exH cheated on his GF (previously the OW) with another 23-year-old.

GF split with exH about a year ago. Since then, he has been licking his wounds, trying to get together with younger colleagues and students and, occasionally when he had no better offer, me. ("Thanks, but no thanks".) At the beginning of August, he started OLD. The other day, he kindly explained to me how it worked. "Kindly" because he thinks that I should "get out there" and thought I could do with the benefit of his experience. He said that, ideally, he would have liked someone young enough to have children, but preferably hadn't already had children as he didn't want to be involved in the complications of step-kids. (We have three grown-up kids.) He thought of setting his preferences to 28-35, but realised that if he were honest about his age, he might come over as a bit of a lech. So he set it to 30-45. He said that he needn't have done that, as he had so many "worthwhile" inquiries from women between 30 and 35. A week later, he met a "promising-sounding" 33-year-old (it turns out that she had made a mistake in her profile and is actually 35) and since then, they have been inseparable; and she will move in with him when her current work contract finishes in November.

His advice to 53-year-old me was, "Start OLD; but set your profile to looking for men between 60-70. Nobody your age will be interested, but there are plenty of older men who might be."

Justaboy, I think my exH might be your soulmate.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse + Sheba OK, there was no real intent to use to goad or make an argument or use those phrases.

Can we just bury the hatchet on that now please?.

RedMapleLeaf Yes I could have used that very sentence but I feared it'd start another line of" there you go see its just younger women that after etc" sometimes it feels that all roads lead to hell;-!.

sofato5miles Wow!, that's a slightly unusual thing to have in common boxing, my dad was very disappointed when I didn't take up the noble art he wanted me to be Joe Bugner MK2 !.

30 year gap?, well that's really well past what I'd have thought was workable under most all circumstances, still you had a good memorable time so it appears:)

Have you ever seen him since expect he might be well fit for for his years!.

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are".

Always thought that was one of her best;)

FloppyRagdoll No thanks for the offer of your ex H I'm not into men;!.

Mind you the two male gay couples I know aren't that much different in behaviour to hetro ones!. OK not a very wide sample to make assessments on

So your exH is now what 53 and she new GF is 35 diff 18 years?.

FloppyRagdoll, why are you even still in contact with this loser?

Floppyragdoll, what a fucking prize your ex is. Ugh. What an arrogant prat.

Floppy

More or less (in age of OW only) my back story. You put this so well though. I dread the day he will want to share all* with me. (It's hard not to listen).

*He's already shared too much re his current relationship .

Ugh. I think for your own sanity you have to find some way to shut him out. Remember also that you'll be hearing only what he wants you to hear. What prize pillocks.

sigh

Flop your EX is a Dick head of the highest order!

Honestly, words fail me, I can't think of something shit enough to say about him. I agree you need to stop any contact with this douche bag.

I don't believe he has tons of interest either! Bell end.

Oh gosh, thanks for the support, everyone , and apologies to oldplasticbag for the hijacking.

Sheba is right that I need to find a way to shut him out. Currently there is a lot of contact for family reasons: DD1 is currently quite unwell and has chosen to go low or no contact with her Dad, but has given me permission to communicate with him about her illness. Also, ExH is in the process of selling the family home so there is a lot of to-ing and fro-ing about that. But when that is over, I definitely plan to keep contact to a minimum.

I am pretty sure things are right about the amount of interest he got with OLD, though. My younger DD was treated to regular updates on his OLD-ing and he asked her opinion on photographs, etc. She has also has met the new GF. (Not by DD's choice: she had arranged to meet her dad to sort out some of her belongings at the family home and then discovered that the GF was there, too.)

Elendon, I am sorry you have gone through similar. Wishing you strength.

Ok, so discuss with him what needs to be discussed (daughter's health, home sale) and if he starts boasting about his latest conquests (and do remember he has an agenda in telling you; often the lies are in the omissions), tell him it's not relevant, of no interest to you, he's embarrassing himself and you won't discuss it. Doubtless he will accuse you of being jealous or bitter or whatever at which point you laugh and say, "Nothing further to discuss, then? Ok, goodbye" and hang up. Just don't rise to it, even if it's killing you. It's what the pathetic little shit wants.

It's really not that hard to impress a credulous, vulnerable and possibly stupid young person. If he won't go for someone with a similar amount of life experience as him, it's because he knows what he's hiding. It's not worth your precious emotional energy. You don't concern yourself with other pigs, don't let this one bother you.

It's not on the same level, but when my ex and I split up I moved on extremely quickly (was in bed with someone else while he was still on the motorway going home, and started a new relationship a couple of months later). Never mentioned it to him, saw no reason to. After my new fella and I had been together a few months, ex contacted me to boast that he'd met someone else. I nodded along and said I was pleased for him etc. After about 20 minutes he asked, "So, how are you? Anyone new yet?" The look on his face when I said I was about to move in with the guy I'd been seeing since Christmas!

Re: Men dating younger women (and to be slightly jovial to get my point across) is it a bit like the great response by the JP Morgan CEO, that in general men are an appreciating asset, and women are a depreciating asset? (obviously in truth we both are both depreciating, but men slower (in general))

Therefore I am not sure its a case of men dating younger women per se. More a case of men dating women they resonate with.

Example - My friends (50'ish and male) are by and large are all fit, not gained much weight and still like to party etc etc. So if we dated women we would look for the same and that's probably not 50 year old women . preparing for incoming Roth

Sheba, you're great. Thanks. I plan to print out your advice and read it every time I am feeling weak. From now on "I don't concern myself with other pigs and won't let this one bother me."

Oh Dr, shut up. You're not big or clever and nobody cares what you think.

Floppy, exactly. He will really be trying to needle you and upset you, and it will be so tempting to rise to it, but you mustn't. Treat it with the contempt it deserves, laugh at it and ignore it. As a wise man once said, if you were going for a picnic, you wouldn't go and sit next to the only pile of dog shit.

Erm I'm not sure that's jovial so much as pretty offensive. There are plenty of grotesque, non fit, flabby men who still think that they are entitled to date younger women because they "resonate" with them. And plenty, plenty of women who are equally fit and still like to party at 50. I'm 31 and older men I have experienced online do not resonate with me at all, they just are sad and deluded with a bizarre sense of superiority over women their own age and women young enough to be their daughters, yet they still deem them fuckworthy

And it's wrath.

Ah, don't encourage the pillock. I know for a fact there are sexy silver foxes (used to date them - stopped for a reason I might go into another time) but I know where they hang out and it's not Mumsnet.

ToGoBoldly sorry - didn't proof read, no idea what I actually wrote to change wrath to Roth (with capitalisation), unless my spell checker is a Tim Roth fan

Oh, is Tim Roth going to turn up? He's a gorgeous example of a man in his 50s.

Unlike the balding eggs who keep messaging me online, who can barely string a sentence together (bit like Dr then) and generally have profile pics of themselves in stained t-shirts and miserable faces. Yep, they're all aging so well.

Dr Morbius - ExH, is that you? If so, DFOD.

I am now adding If you were going for a picnic, you wouldn't go and sit next to the only pile of dog shit to my collection of "The Wit and Wisdom of Sheba".

Ah Floppy, that is really kind. But that last one actually came from Shit My Dad Says. A fount of foul mouthed wisdom, that chap.

That line has been duly amended to "shit wit and wisdom of Sheba's dad"

27 year old men are where it's at