soulmates...

[oldplasticbag]

Just need a bit of …. support, encouragement, sympathy.

I am just turned fifty and six months ago bravely marched online to try and find a match.

I knew it would be hard. But this hard?

All the obvious: men my age, if they are gracious, may deign to date a woman their own age. But generally their top limit is five years younger.

In e mail conversations I’ve asked a few of them about this, and they explain their age range by saying that they look and feel much younger than they are.

But we ALL think we feel and look much younger than we are. That doesn't make us any younger.

I have been on one date. It was pleasant. He was attractive and interesting. He asked to see me again. And then… Nothing. Just quiet. Tumble weed.

Another one was meant to take me out this weekend. Initial contact, a few texts, an ‘I’ll get back to you tomorrow message’. Then nothing.

I have taken to randomly 'liking' on the website to see if anyone likes me back (no).

I even write messages. Not needy messages - as by this stage I don’t really give a f* - but more for the masochistic pleasure of seeing how rude people can be.

Two nice men wrote back and said thanks but no thanks.

The rest just ignore the messages.

The remainder of the time, apart from a few likes by 60 pluses, it’s as quiet as a sound proofed room.

No activity.

Nothing.

My middle aged currency makes me count for nothing.

I may not be the best looking woman in the world, and I certainly feel pretty grubby after six months of this, but I’m OK, and happy and healthy, with a good career and income.

What is it? What am I doing wrong?

How long can I keep up this resilience? In the not too distance future I’m going to start feeling sorry for myself.

I already feel like I’m propping up a crumbling inside.

I think it’s particularly hard as I haven’t had a boyfriend for a decade since splitting up with my ex-husband. It took courage to sign up online but it’s like waiting for months to get into a great party and then discovering that no one else has turned up. Or they’re all in the VIP section and you’re not invited.

Any advice/wisdom?

My friend, now 63, met his dp, similar age, via GSM almost 5yrs ago. We don't live in London :-)

I've known him almost 30yrs, she's fab and they are a brilliant match.

Not all men are shallow when it comes to age.

Oh dear. I'm 64 and could just about do 60 if she hang it together

Yuck! Fucking agist macho....

I'm 60 and my toyboy is 38!

Met him in Real Life though. I don't do internet dating cos you don't get the essence of the person. You know, you see/meet someone, it's the energy which you don't get through the computer screen.

Six months is no time in the OLD world. I was on for around a year before I met someone, had six months with him and decided he was not for me, looked online again for another nine months and had another six months with someone. Have now been dating a lovely man for almost three years. It takes time, perhaps reconsidering some of your requirements (initially overlooked present chaps bad writing skills - turns out he's dyslexic), keep at it by looking at least every three or four days.

I am now in my late 50s and, if it all went tits up tomorrow, would get back out there and find someone else.

A friend of mine aged 60 has been looking for three years, had a few dates which did not lead anywhere, but has now met a great man. He is a couple of years older. One of the first things he said when they met up was 'thank God you are a normal woman, not poured into a too tight dress and covered in make up.'

Keep at it. There are decent men out there.

OP, good luck in your search...

Just one thing I would say really. Please don't read too much into it if you get no response to your initial message. I used to try and reply to every message, even those where there was absolutely no chance of a relationship for whatever reason... After a while, it starts to make you feel like a total . I'm a human being, I have feelings, and so does the person that took the incredibly brave step to message first. I used to try and write back something in the "thanks but no thanks" but with as much consideration to their feelings as possible. It's actually soul destroying. In the end, I couldn't even send a "thanks but no thanks"... To be fair, that's when I decided I needed to take a break from it.

Keep trying, but try traditional methods too. And take regular breaks when it gets too much like hard work !

RLD.

I can't understand why anyone would want to put themselves through the midden heap that OLD seems to be. Have we lost the art of meeting people and making friends in RL, a deeper relationship maybe then developing? IMO if you don't use that ability then you lose it.

Does anyone know of any rock solid reasons where there would be no alternative to OLD when looking for love?

Freda - my rock solid reason for going in for OLD was that I simply met NO single men at all through "normal" channels for four years. I was in my early forties when I divorced and after a couple of years of licking my wounds and regaining myself, I was ready to meet someone.

I attended all and any social invitations that came my way and generally got out there as much as possible. I put the word out to people who might know of people. I worked full time in a busy professional job where I met a wide range of people. Nothing. Nada. Apparently no single men in their 40s anywhere in my social circle or beyond.

In the end I found the hope of something happening in real life, which never did, exhausting and depressing. So I gave OLD a go. This was a few years ago now and I found it refreshing that at least the online men were actually looking for a relationship (or a shag) - so there was no confusion about that. There were chancers and oddballs, but pretty much all the men I met on dates were normal and pleasant, just not for me for one reason or another. In the end dating was like a hobby in itself.

After nine months, one three-month relationship (I think of it now as the "getting back on the horse" experience) and about 8 other dates I met my partner. He was and is normal, looking for a woman his own age and we've been together for six years. Now in my fifties, if I found myself single again I'd give OLD another go.

So shocked at 20 being the chosen perfect age Whatsforsupper. I know that though my body was in better shape back then I wasn't very confident. From 30+ I am way more confident, I know what I want, what I like etc. I would say sex is much better now that I am older, I don't remember it being very good when I was 20.

Because men that age are still lusting after the younger women, without the maturity to reevaluate what they are actually likely to be able to "get" now. They, for some bizarre reason, honestly believe that these younger women want to be with a much older man in his 50s, etc. These men go for younger women because they themselves are still very mentally immature. I've not heard of much success from mature women with online dating purely from the reasons you said, that the same-age men unrealistically only want women in their 30s/40s. I think you're much more likely to find success meeting someone like-minded in a similar group, something you enjoy doing hobbywise? Amdram, etc? x

I'm now 31, men stopped looking at me/giving me a second glance at around 27 :( They really are only really "visual" creatures on the whole.

justaboy. Youre deluded. Im nearly 40 and the idea of fucking an old man like you would make me boak. Youre the same age as my dad.

Meeting someone by chance in "real life" is to OLD as waiting for someone to offer you a job is to applying for an advertised vacancy.

I.E. You'll have a lot better luck meeting someone if you're fishing in a pond which is comprised solely of people who want to meet someone.

If you don't like the online element, then go for things like speed dating and singles nights. But if you just join various groups and wait for the perfect partner to drop into your lap, you're in for a long wait, statistically speaking.

Let's say you're a straight woman in the 34-44 age bracket, and you want to date men in the same age range. You join some sort of hobby/social group which appeals equally to men and women in that age range, with no outliers (which is unlikely, but go with it.)

Let's say the group size is 20. That means there will be 10 men. Let's assume 1 gay man, presuming the group topic isn't anything totally hetero So that leaves 9.

Of those, 51% will be married or cohabiting, so that leaves 4 men (rounding used since you can't have 0.4 of a person hanging around!)

OK, so of the general male population, what percentage of those would you generally find attractive? How many of the men you meet would you think "Hmm, if he asked me out I'd probably say yes"? For me it's probably less than 1 in 20, but I'm a picky devil, so let's say for the sake of argument that it's 1 in 4 for most women.

So of that social group, there's a probability that 1 man will be attractive to you, and single, and straight.

Now what are the odds of him a) actually wanting a relationship and b) you being his type? I'd put a) at no better than 50% odds. B) is very difficult to quantify but even if he is attracted to 25% of women (so the same figure we used above to determine your attraction to him) there is no guarantee that your attracting factors will intersect.

So for this group of 20 people, the likelihood of there being a suitable partner for you is 1 in 32. So you'd need to join 32 groups of that size and demographic mix to meet one person who you would be interested in dating and who would be interested in dating you. (And then you might go on one date and it would be crap anyway!)

(Data on single vs married/cohabiting men from 2011 census)

Soooo let's apply those factors to joining a dating site.

I'm going to take these figures from match.com for a specific geographical area and age range. I've gone with 30 miles out from a specific postcode, which may be a lot for some people but is what I'd usually select.

That's come back with 675 results. However, only about 400 of those have been online within the last month, so let's narrow it to that.

These will all be straight men (or bi men looking for women) so we don't need to calculate for that.

I've also removed all the ones with no photo, so that should weed out the majority of married/partnered men who are cheating.

We already know that all these men WANT to date, so we don't need to apply that probability either.

So all we have left is the attraction factor. Let's go with my 1 in 4 assumption above again, for both me and him. So the combined probability of finding someone I am attracted to and who is also attracted to me, within this pool of 375 men, is 1 in 16. That leaves me a whopping 23 potential partners! In order to get the same amount of potential partners from meet-up groups, I'd need to attend 736 groups. Sounds exhausting!

Thank you for attending this lecture on "Pocket's Theory of Dating Probability" My book is on sale in the foyer

Disclaimer: I am not a mathematician so my exact workings may be somewhat awry, however the theory itself is sound!

That post was completely crazy and very funny.

What is your day job?

I work in a female dominated profession and most of the men I meet are gay or in relationships. The numbers of single men I meet per year who id be interested in dating can be counted on one finger. Plus I'm not the only single woman in my workplace so numbers are against us for the few single men we come across.
I don't tend to socialise in groups that include spouses and their single friends so meeting men that way is unlikely.
Online dating is the only way to meet single men to date. I don't find it horrendous personally maybe because I don't spend much time on it (met 4 men since I started s year ago)

branluse how do you know if i would be interested in you even?.

A yah boo! argument isn't going the help anyone forward. However younger women do match up with older ones. Our 2 daughters were privately educated and at that school there were two sets of parents. One was the professional mum usually a barrister doctor etc bit like Dr Forster (compulsive viewing on a Weds nite!). The other was the younger woman who'd shacked up with the older man usually they were bankers, landowners, farmers and the ilk. They had very good lifestyles and didn't want for for much one horsey type had a whole fleet of nags around 10 of them set on several acres a couple of new range rovers to take the numerous horse boxes and other gear they need. They rattled on abut theri two big holidays a year usually to some small island in the Caribbean or somewhere similar plus their must getaway next week breaks yada yada. They all had children so perhaps they shut their eyes and thought of Britain while DTD?.

Nuff said. Lets leave that one there shall we and move on.

pocketsaviour Has a very interesting theory and just can jiggle the quantities around a bit but this is I think a fraught business of the actual meeting of anyone to most anyone at certain age ranges.

There is some well established physiological reasons why men look at younger women why they sod off with that younger floozie their just being base. Why do some do it and some don't perhaps some have stronger genetic drives I reckon we can find some evidence for that but this isn't helping the OP who sounds to me a very pleasant lady but could do with someone in her life.

Now how these days is that happening? I believe that many people meet their partners at work certainly that's a good place as working together relationships and bonds are to be formed. Now a shall we say some around 40 odd might not go to the other meeting ground the night club. I do sometimes with others and have a good time but it strikes me it's not the meeting place for anyone older. So apart from OLD what and where else is there as pocket saviour pointed out social interest groups are well, not giving very good odds and the few on-line dating places I've skimmed thru that Plenty of Fish seems around the very worse. Its a wonder anyone takes it seriously. So should she try other sites and can she say what ones they were or does there need to be a more mature dating site or some other way of bringing people together as either way there are people out there being wasted pining away wanting someone and not getting them now surely that cannot be right?.

Crikey pocket, that was cheerful

Christ you come across badly justa.

JAB, what you saw at that school was the power of money at work.

Mrs Merton: " Tell me, Debbie McGee, what was it that first attracted you to millionaire Paul Daniels?"

I agree with the op, we all like to think we are younger than we are, but justaboy your username says it all and your comments are sexist and embarrassing.

PS, do you think meet-up groups are the obvious alternative/adjunct to OLD? From my point of view you seem to have talked lonely hearts out of both choices. I mean that jokingly I think. But even so, hell, it must be soul-destroying.

One thing that could be said for RL meeting is that it's possible to spot bitter, opinionated or inappropriate types straight off.

I didn't have much luck with Guardian Soulmates either. OkCupid was much more successful as there are far more people on there and if you answer plenty of the questionnaire questions then you are being matched for criteria other than just age.

I am not too bothered about age. I am 41. I set an age range on my dating profile of 30 to 55. The man I am currently seeing (who I met through OkCupid) is eleven years older than me. I don't find the age gap a big deal. In fact it works pretty well because I had my daughter very young and she is now grown up and at university. Most men my own age would have younger kids whereas current chap's son is about the same age as my daughter.

Good luck! I am sure there are plenty of people out there who would like to meet you. You just have to develop a thick skin and not worry about those people who have already decided that you're not for them.

RedMapleLeaf Yes i expect I do. I have noted that there are sensitivities in here perhaps I should just leave it. I have been told that I basically mean well but don't always put it well!. Still this is on-line and you can get a very varied impression of someone here. I've seen this before several times. I know of Two people who on-line are at each other throats in real life I have met them and they are very pleasant people and I bet my bottom dollar if they met they'd be fine with each other .

Notpretending Yes sexist is where this is at, whether we like it or not. Embarrassing to whom me thee or others?. This is perhaps the downside of the male female conjunction. On this site there is a lot of grief owing to adverse relationships. The username is of no particular significance like most others heron.

FredaMayor Yes no doubt about that at all but this does happen, women are attracted to money suppose the more the money the more the attraction. Some of those were seriously rich tens of millions around. But tell you what they weren't pleasant people at all, and I'd not like to have lived with any of them.

jab

Freda mayer's mrs. Merton quote was exactly what I thought of too...

There is a certain type of person who is attracted to an older gent, as long as he has deep pockets and preferably a dodgy ticker. I've known a couple of them personally - one is shagging her equine physiotherapist and the other is shagging one of the gardeners and an old bf from her uni days who hasn't quite got the cash she needs but is rather attractive. Both play the devoted spouse but do indeed lie back and think of England. its not a dynamic I'd like, but all parties involved seem satisfied.

So, if you've got a nice pile in the Cotswolds, enough cash to run a fleet of polo ponies, a chalet in Zurmatt and have grounds big enough to need three gardeners, you're in the league where you can go fishing for a trophy wife.

But the vast majority of chaps don't, and yet still think they are fabulous enough to deserve a woman in her twenties.

This sense of entitlement I think is behind a lot of misogyny. Some men think the world owes them a beautiful perfect ten for merely existing (we ladies only exist for the pleasure of chaps, you see..) when they get rejected, they don't think to query why, they simply turn violent. We see this in a lot of life - bloke grabs you in a club, you politely say "no" and remove the offending hand and suddenly you're faced with an angry man. Or you're walking along and some guy is shouting obscenities at you from a car, you ignore and suddenly you get a barrage of threats...

Have a think about what your demand (not preference) for someone twenty years younger says about you, and about society.

I met date from online. He seemed great on paper but on meeting him it was obvious it wasn't going to happen. We had a very genial lunch, though I was happy that the staff kept coming in to check up on us. I felt after a while, he had been there before?

On leaving we said goodbye. I offered my hand and he took it and went to kiss my cheek. Upon which he turned my head and kissed me forcibly on the mouth, pushing his tongue in. I pushed him away, by pressing in his throat. He backed off and left. When getting into the car, I noticed one of the staff watching us. I let him leave first.

It didn't stop me from meeting other men, but I'm so much more wary now.

I have noted that there are sensitivities in here

such as? And what's that to do with you presenting yourself badly?