How did you find out they were cheating?

[Frecklesandspecs]

How, why and when?!

Me and H have had problems for quite a while and are on the verge of separating. (I want to, he doesn't)
Anyway he's always been a bit of a workaholic, often strolls in 10pm, never before 7. I'd just kind of got used to it until I ealised a few months ago he was going out at 5.30am. 6.30 am I can kind of Imagine e would be sensible but 5.30am just seems way too early and coming back at the time he does.
He walks to the station (20 mins roughly) and gets train into London (approx. 45 mins at most I think)
This happens every day pretty much. I know his job can have long hours and this has been hard to deal with but this just seems a bit nutty?!
I really am starting to wonder here.

He left his emails logged in and asked me to check for a confirmation of something or other that was coming through while he was off doing a sponsored walk up a mountain (no signal)

I sat and watched as email after email came in from various hook up sites. I logged into the accounts and saw they were active, found a secret email address where he was having appointments with escorts. Then reset his facebook password and found he had another girlfriend at work.

Because he was up a mountain with no signal I just kept digging and digging and finding more. I then was a total twat, did the cliched pick me dance and hysterical bonding thing. Felt like I was Gojng mad as I so desperately wanted to believe what he was telling me, and then about a month later I came home to discover he had moved out and taken all his stuf without saying a word. He just disappeared.

Did me a favour but God I really felt I was losing my mind at the time. He's now married to the girlfriend he was cheating on me with. I strongly suspect he's prob cheating on her too but they seem sickeningly happy sadly

NewbieCrazyCatLady You got that list well defined!, is there a group wiki somewhere?, a sort of check list for cheater detection:.

Number 7 is well, speechless!! couldn't she get get her own morning after pills?.

I thin contacting the OW sometimes can scupper the set-up course it won't make you feel any better but revenge is sweet of a sort. Course on the other hand it might delay him pissing off which is what you really need or want!.

Bloody hell contrary that is horrendous.

I noticed a couple of FaceTime use on the phone bill. He knows nothing about internet stuff. So I believed him that he must have pressed wrong button. Funny, to hit wrong button twice to same number.
Then I went back over the older phone bills, searching for this number.
Over 50 phone calls, some at 5.30 am, or at times like 5 mins after I leave. Or before I get home, and the day he is out playing golf.
Then I checked his phone for that number. It was in his contacts as Lyn.

When I started asking questions "Lyn" disappeared from contacts. But searched that number and contact was now "Wally".

There was also suddenly a lot of Social Internet use on the bill.
I still have no idea what it is from?
Does anyone have any ideas what it might be?
He doesn't use Facebook or anything.
Wondering if there is some app that is hidden?

Also Gut Instinct. And yes he has denied it. Since me asking early August. Just this week, he said he has made some "mistakes"

-Lots of texting - bought a new phone and had a password for the first time
-Set the bloody thing up so that it flashed, beeped and buzzed every time he got a text, even after I started getting suspicious
-Started saying he didn't know how he felt about me, though he still loved me...
-At work until late at night and some weekends
-Coming back from a work trip with a slight tan (they had actually gone skiing)
-New moisturiser and smelly stuff appeared in bathroom
-Always going to bed an hour after I did, however late I went to bed
-Suddenly started watching programmes I didn't like on TV (so I'd leave the room)
-My daughter read a couple of odd texts, he claimed they were just jokes with people at work
-Losing a lot of weight, getting into sports
-Less interested in sex, then basically masturbating on top of me instead without worrying if it hurt
-When we went out for a walk he always walked separately, leaving me with the kids
-Saying that he felt guilty for making me live in this country though I hated it here. I said "I don't hate it and you didn't make me come here", but he still suggested that I should go back home for a long stay - he "just wanted me to be out of the way happy"
-Sitting with his back to me on a regular basis
-Started questioning my judgement about everything - I wanted to buy my daughter a bike and he said we shouldn't spoil her. When I agreed not to buy it after all he said that was no good either as I didn't discuss it properly
-Talking with enthusiasm about a new work project all the time (turns out it involved the OW)
-Growing a beard
-Reading books a "work colleague" had lent him - first time
-Not looking me in the eye; instead fiddling with his watch, the corner of his sleeve, his phone...
-Not talking to me any more
-Accusing me of being nasty to him, e.g. by interpreting whatever I said in the worst possible way - e.g. apparently I said he wished my mum was dead (I said nothing of the kind).
-Then saying that he would "never say anything like that"
-Saying "What kind of a wife does this...?", e.g. "What kind of a wife throws her husband out of the bed?" (One who you treat as described above - and in fact I slept on the floor, at first)
-Accusing me of nasty things I had apparently done months ago, which he did not comment on at the time but were now cardinal sins
-Stopping me from discussing any of the above by niggling over minor technicalities or the words I chose, instead of discussing the content
-If I cried about any of the above, just giving me a dirty look.

At this point I'd already asked him to leave, and he denied anything was going on and told me he'd be staying a few more months, though I told him I felt like I was going mad. Then I found the password to his email account and discovered he'd kept all the emails to the OW, including some X-rated ones, for the last year and a half. They'd been on holiday together etc. I downloaded all the emails just in case. He moved out shortly afterwards.

Hi again OP.

You asked how it was going with moving so far away from my ex.

For us it's been an absolute lifesaver. The schools are better here, the area is much nicer, we're by the sea, and we now have family support from my parents who moved here themselves some years ago. This has meant I could go back to work because my parents do the school run in the morning for me so I now work 21 hours a week in a school. We love our lives here.

Their Dad makes it down here every third weekend. Yes, he'said 4 hours away from the kids now but he travels all over the country for work anyway and could, if he was really that bothered, find work closer to us and stay down here. When he was in the process of checking out on me he checked out on his kids too. He was foul to live with for months, all of us tiptoeing around him. Everything was how he wanted it or there was tension.

Now, my house, my rules. I'm much more relaxed about things than him. If the kids want a pyjama day on Saturday then we have a pyjama day. If we're tired, we have a lie in. Life is simpler but more fun without him.

If you want to move, I say go for it.

He told me because he had to. The DH of the OW had found texts between them so they were rumbled. It had been going on for over 2 years and I hadn't suspected a thing, although with hindsight all the signs were there.

I just had a feeling. He told me I was just being paranoid and hormonal as I was 8 months pregnant. I got the same feeling when our son was 3 weeks old and asked him again. He denied it so I resorted to looking on his phone. Saw the messages and he still denied it for a few minutes!

Trust your instincts!

Wow, what truly hideous experiences I've read. Thank you for sharing and I hope you are all doing much better without them!!
I don't have any access to phones or computers of his so not much chance of me doing anything there. A few weeks ago he bought a whole new load of shirts for work.
He'd usually buy marks and Spencer or BHS or I'd get them but these new ones are expensive which seemed odd.
I don't know what social internet is Janaus but mine doesn't use fb either. (it's for common people like me

Unbelievable what lies and deception I've read on here.

Lilac, glad you are doing great. I can't wait to be like you now!
So tired of treading on eggshells and being a doormat with nothing in return.

ravenmum gawd that's a hell of a list!. Does the team think that sometimes either men are totally stupid and can't hide a thing OR are they somehow hoping that they'll' be found out and finally their Other half will know, when they couldn't tell them directly?.

Mmm, close call justaboy. If it were the latter though why would so many bother denying it?
I think men are much happier just staying put in an 'ok' relationship and might be more inclined to feel they are just fine all round with two people, whereas women might have a harder time with it guilt wise?

I just want to add that I was right; my ex was cheating. I thought about it for two weeks, had a last shag to remind myself how shit he was, then ended our joint tenancy and found a lovely little house to rent, in a lovely little town.

The absence of him is constant bliss.

(I have been dating someone for 3 yrs too, and he's lovely to me).

Good for you lovespeace

Frecklesandspecs I suppose this might be a well I've got her indoors and the others a bit on the side and well if here indoors finds out then tough, I'll just sod of with the new woman anyway.

Excuse the Arthur Daly "isims";!.

Lovespeace so happy for you! it seems rare we have a happy ending on these boards;!.

When he upped and left one day - 'twas probably the biggest clue! The whole sorry truth revealed itself when I finally got some bank accounts because of the divorce many months later.

Yes, that justaboy!!

I'm motivating myself by buying cheap things to put in my new home.
Today, I got a kettle
Mine will be a happy ending (hopefully)

The slags boyfriend messaged me telling me everything!

Freckles

I've been split from my ex for two and a half years now and I won't lie, it's been a tough path. Have faith in yourself, you will get there. Being positive, in your case you already know the relationship is over, regardless of the cheating, so you're already ahead of where I was. I didn't want my relationship to end and humiliated myself doing the 'pick me dance'.

At the moment, I'm having a touch time with our living arrangements but I keep telling myself that this too shall pass and despite being right in the middle of it now and not seeing an end to it, one day I'll look back at this and wonder why I worried. It was the same with the split.

I had major panic attacks for awhile and couldn't deal with even the thought of being a single parent but actually I'm awesome at it. Yes, it's exhausting, yes, it can be bloody hard work, but the kids are all doing brilliantly at school, have solid friendships, have great opportunities ahead of them and we're a solid little unit now.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.

Lilac you didn't 'humiliate yourself' - you stood up for what you thought was the right thing to do for your family.

You can't compensate for a con-artist.

Start being kind to yourself.

You could check his phone? Rule number one don't let him no you think his cheating. Check bank statement- pay for meals, cabs, gifts. You could check on sites like Facebook see who his friends are at work. You could turn up at his work ( in a car, or watch from s far) see where he goes and who with. I found out my husband was cheating by digging around, then I also found out she was pregnant too, double surprise. Always dig around but don't let him know, he will try to cover up things better and it only makes things hard for you, let him feel relaxed and he won't feel the need to go to extra lengths to hide anything. Good luck!

Agree, Greenfaith,
I have pages of phone use of a certain number printed out, but don't want to let him know just yet. Give him enough rope ...